The Ultimate Uke Syndrome
by rosesareblue
Summary: If it looks like a girl, it's a boy. Yaoi.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own Naruto.

Author's Note: Hello! This is my first Naruto fanfic, I only recently got hooked, so most everyone who will reading this will be my sempai. I will try my best despite this pressure... So if you can help me improve anything or if you'd like to leave me a note telling me what you thought, that'd be great (laughs nervously).

Please enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter One_

"SA-SU-KE-KUN!"

Uchiha Sasuke twitched only slightly as Haruno Sakura accented every single syllable of his name. She flew down the hall towards him, her expression bright enough to light the darkened passage. He casually glanced at his watch. It was almost six and the school was practically deserted. Why hadn't she gone home already?

"How do I look, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura bubbled, whirling around to show off her new cheerleading uniform. She tried to keep a calm and collected exterior though Inner-Sakura had already started a victory dance.

Would he notice that her super-short mini skirt flared dangerously up around her thigh, threatening to reveal all? Would he notice that wearing this uniform meant that she was the only freshman girl to be selected for the official cheerleading squad? Would he notice that this meant that she could ride with him to all his games and cheer on all his fantastic moves?

The pale boy glanced at her briefly before glancing at his watch again.

"Hm."

To most people, the muted grunt of acknowledgement would have been completely inaudible. But for Haruno Sakura – with years and years of experience at Uchiha Sasuke fawning/stalking/worshipping – even the slightest sound was magnified tenfold. Though it was (much, much, much) less of a reaction than she'd hoped for, she was greatly encouraged by it and continued.

"I heard that Sasuke-kun was the youngest person since – " Sakura gulped, catching herself just in time before she uttered a name that was taboo in Sasuke's presence, " – s-since a very long time that was selected for a starting position. Not only that, I heard you were starting center! Congratulations, Sasuke-kun!"

Sakura beamed up at the Uchiha, who stood wearing a faint bored expression as though his remarkable feat was trivial. But of course, Uchiha Sasuke had no problem in making the starting basketball team! He'd been accepted into Sound Academy – well known for its boy's basketball team, which had been National Champion for the past nineteen years – on a full athletic scholarship. Every sports magazine in Japan lauded the young Uchiha, the greatest prodigy the basketball world had seen since the legendary Uchiha Itachi.

The pink haired girl marveled at the tall boy's icy but extremely gorgeous features. And of course, his intense and too-sexy-for-his-own-good features had also contributed to his growing into a near national idol status… though of course that meant she had hordes on hordes of fan-girls to compete with for his attention…

Sakura coughed. "So, Sasuke-kun. I was wondering if you and I could walk home together now that your basketball practice is – "

"I have a meeting." Sasuke interrupted her, starting to walk back down the hall again. Without looking back, he raised his hand slightly in farewell as he disappeared down the darkened hall.

Sakura swallowed her disappointment as she listened to Sasuke's footsteps growing fainter. Of course, Sasuke would be busy! She chided herself. He was the young god of basketball with the weight of Japan's basketball future on his shoulders! He had no time to waste – not even with her that had been his neighbor for the past fifteen years. That's right, he had no time to waste with anything but basketball…

* * *

"Konoha." Temari snapped, as she looked through the papers in her hand again.

"Konoha?" Kankuro snorted at her reply. "Temari – maybe you are catching someone's insomnia and aren't thinking clearly – but Konoha's never even made it to the district finals."

"Temari-san." Yuki, Sand's guard, spoke up. He ran his hand through his light blue hair almost apologetically for contradicting their super strict, piss-me-off-and-be-damned team manager. "If I remember correctly, we only have to worry about Neji at Konoha. And the other guy – the one with the tacky bowl cut – "

"Rock Lee." Temari informed, her eyes narrowing at the younger boy's opposition.

"Yeah, Lee." Starting center Hitoshi began, rescuing a squirming Yuki from Temari's glare. "All the other members of the Konoha team are trash, Temari-san. Absolute trash! I don't know how two brilliant players like Neji and Lee were reduced to rotting away on a pathetic team like Konoha but surely they aren't – "

"Let Temari finish." A dangerous hiss came from the leading point guard on Sand's starting team. Till now, the redheaded boy had been absolutely silent, his green-eyes far and distant. Now, the lime colored eyes were intent with a deadly glare.

Yuki and Hitoshi bit their tongues immediately at Gaara's order.

Temari continued, "Of course, if you look at Konoha's performance so far, there is nothing to worry about. But this year, save Neji and Lee, they got rid of all their senior players and constructed a team of only freshmen. Which means – "

"I see." Kankuro frowned, rolling his hands into angrily fists. Dammit – it seemed like there would be more than Sound to worry about this year. Che.

"Er, Temari-san." Hitoshi mumbled, looking at Kankuro's grimace. "I don't understand what difference that makes. Freshmen or senior, we can take on a weak team like Konoha easy. It's the Sound and that goddamn Uchiha Sasuke we have to worry about."

Temari's eyebrow twitched. She really didn't like stupid people. Really. "Of course we have to worry about the Uchiha but - "

"Not with Gaara-sama!" Yuki interrupted her – yet again to her infinite annoyance. Not noticing Temari's dangerous frown and intent on trying to make up for causing the great Gaara to glare at him, Yuki insisted, "Since Gaara-sama is here, we can finally succeed in crushing Sound and taking the national title and – "

"Shut up." Gaara said, deathly quiet. As soon as the quiet words were out of his mouth, the whole locker room fell silent. Gaara turned his gaze expectantly toward Temari.

Temari sighed as the freshmen players nearly peed in their pants at Gaara's slight rebuke. Clearing her throat and summoning the last of her patience, she said, "Okay, Hitoshi. I want you to think – though that's not something you do often. Even if Konoha's seniors are not very good, they have two years of more experience than the freshmen."

"Right." Hitoshi frowned in concentration at the blonde girl's words.

"If all of them were replaced by freshmen – not a single senior with two years more experience left on the team – what does that tell you about the freshmen?" Temari asked slowly, as if addressing a five-year-old.

Hitoshi grimaced and raked his brain. "Uh-I-um…I dunno?"

After knocking Hitoshi unconscious with six speedily served ten-pound dumbbells, Temari turned to Yuki. "What do _you_ think?"

Adrenalin can do wonders for the human mind.

"It means the new freshmen players are good enough that they make up for the big difference in experience? And the fact that they didn't keep any senior players – even as back-up – means that the freshmen are talented enough to make the Konoha coach confident that he can win with just them?"

Temari nodded, dropping the prepared dumbbell much to Yuki's relief. "That's right. Now, last question. Calculate the sum of Hyuuga Neji and Rock Lee and decent players."

The whole locker room fell silent as the weight of Temari's words finally, finally sank in.

Gaara was the first to move.

"We will practice." He said, his green eyes flashing.

* * *

"Inuzuka Kiba, Nara Shikamaru, Rock Lee, Akimichi Chouji and Hyuuga Neji." Kidoumaru read the starting players of Konoha's basketball team, turning to his dark-haired teammate, "What do you make of it, Sasuke?"

"Hmph." Sasuke snorted, looking out the bus window in faint annoyance. So Konoha finally recruited some better players? Of course, in their case, it would have been difficult to do worse.

"I agree." Kidoumaru replied, reading the pale boy's expression and grinning at the expected answer. "But I heard their new manager is pretty cute though."

That – if possible – was even less interesting. Sasuke listened with increasing irritation, as Kidoumaru, used to the one-sided conversation with the stoic boy, jerked a thumb toward the back of the bus and said, "Whoever she is, she's got to be cuter than Tayuya, don't you think?"

Sasuke listen to Tayuya curse out Jiroubo for censored bringing yellow censored, censored Gatorade when she'd specifically censored ordered him to buy blue censored, censored, censored Gatorade and sighed. This was going to be one long helluva ride to their boarding house. Training camp was starting to become one fucking noisy nightmare.

At his sigh, Kidoumaru smiled. "Cheer up. We are not sharing the boarding house with only Konoha."

Sasuke turned to Kidoumaru with interest for the first time they'd gotten on the bus.

Kidoumaru grinned at the pale boy's attention. "Sand is going to be there too."

Sand. Sand meant…

A rare smile twitched the corners of Sasuke's lips.

Gaara.

* * *

Sakura looked up at the boarding house in the fading daylight. It was a little late since she'd come after getting settled in.

So, this was where Sasuke-kun would be staying during his training camp, huh? It was only a forty-five-minute walk from her own boarding house! It was almost as if fate wanted Sasuke and her to be together!

Caught up in her romantic girlish fantasies, Sakura dreamily looked up at the less-than-romantically built cement building. Now all she needed to do was find out which room Sasuke-kun was staying at. She clutched the jar of honey lemons she'd made in her arms; she'd read that the delicacies were good for athletes.

She'd do anything to make Sasuke-kun happy!

At that moment, two tall boys wearing Sand jerseys walked out of the cement building. Sakura was about to accost them for the whereabouts of Sasuke when their conversation caught her interest.

"Did you see Konoha's manager?" Komaja nudged Nejiri, grinning.

"The blonde?" Nejiri leered, thinking back. "She's really cute, isn't she?"

"She's like the type that'd probably cry all the way through when you are putting it in her – with all that innocent and pure crap going for her." Komaja shivered. "Shit, she's sexy."

"She's definitely asking for it." Nejiri smirked. "I can't believe she's going to be living under the same roof with three boys basketball teams for two weeks."

"Wanna bet on how many times she gets screwed?" Komaja kidded, punching Nejiri on the shoulder.

Nejiri took up Komaja's offer instantly. "Nine. Twice by me."

"In your dreams!"

Sakura looked stricken as she watched the two boys walk farther away. That was just sick – really sick! But what bothered her more about the conversation was not the two boy's talk about fucking Konoha's blonde virgin manager, but that Konoha's blonde virgin manager sounded like she was sculpted out of pheromone. And that blonde would be living in the same boarding house with Sasuke-kun!

Oh why, oh why, hadn't she tried out for team manager instead of becoming a goddamn cheerleader? Then she could spend two weeks in the same boarding house with Sasuke-kun instead of staying a freakin' forty-five-minute walk away!

Oh, that's right. Sakura remembered. Because the manager position was more than filled by foul-mouthed, anti-social, blood-thirsty Tayuya who albeit hated her guts.

Sakura sulked, dejected. Well, but it was Sasuke-kun she was talking about… She remembered the time when he turned down a date offer (more like on-the-knees-plead) by Asada Yumiko, a cute, big-eyed popular idol, without so much as a flinch.

Sasuke-kun had absolutely no interest in girls!

Not calculating that this also meant that Sakura herself had no chance with Sasuke-kun, she hurriedly walked inside the boarding house. She'd simply have to look for Sasuke-kun herself! As she rounded a bend, Sakura crashed head on with a blonde girl rushing down the hallway.

"Ow!" Sakura groaned, sprawled on the floor and covered with spilled honey lemons. Who the heck was that?!

She painfully looked up at the person she'd crashed into. Long slender white legs, short, pleated skirt that fluttered above taut thighs, a flat belly, revealed between an open Konoha jersey and a short tight tank-top, full breasts, a long blonde ponytail, and, finally, a very pretty, very girlish face…

Sakura leapt to her feet in surprised recognition, ignoring the stick lemon juice that clung to her body.

"INO!"

Ino scowled at the sight of her former archenemy from middle school.

"Sakura!"

Sakura's eyes flew open as she matched Ino's Konoha basketball jersey and the Sand basketball players' perverted talk. Konoha's blonde manager was none other than…

"Long time no see, forehead girl." The blonde beauty jeered.

Yamanaka Ino.

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke let the shower water caress his body, noting his tired muscles with gratification. He did not share his teammate's hostile sentiments about practicing five hours on their first day of arrival at the training camp with only thirty minutes to unpack. They were here, after all, to train, weren't they? Another rare smile lifted the corners of Sasuke's smooth lips as the cold trickles of water trailed down his neck. He'd stay here until everyone else left. From the noisy shrills of girls coming from the hallway that was essentially suppose to house boys' basketball teams, there obviously were some annoying visitors. Fuck.

Sasuke turned his mind back to the chilliness of the water. At least he could look forward to seeing Gaara again. The Sand would begin practice tomorrow, he'd heard. Hmm…

After standing under the shower for ten minutes longer, Sasuke turned off the cold water. As he dried his hair with a towel, he noticed steam rising from another shower – someone else was still here. Frowning at the fact that he had company, Sasuke made his way towards the lockers. Maybe he'd go outside for a walk until the dorm got quiet enough to sleep…

As he was pulling on his clothes, a flash of white suddenly passed in front of his eyes and before he could retaliate, he was tackled headon by a wet body.

CRASH!

Sasuke stared up at a towel covering his vision. He was lying on the cold floor of the locker room. His head and right elbow ached from directly hitting the hard floor. Something wet and heavy was sitting on his stomach. Something that was going to cease breathing soon was sitting on his stomach – !

"WHAT THE FUCK! GET OFF – "

"Shit! Hey, are you okay!"

The white towel that obstructed his view was cleared and Sasuke found himself staring straight up at a pair of concerned and indescribably blue eyes. Wet blonde hair scattered across a smooth tan forehead. The water slid down the brown golden-skinned cheeks and Sasuke gaze followed the water droplets as they gathered at the corners of the softest looking lips till they finally trickled down a slick chin, down bare neck, and collected again at the accented naked collarbone.

And the next thing Sasuke knew, something wet was dribbling down his own face.

"OH MAN! YOU ARE BLEEDING! GAH! I'M SORRY!" The blonde leapt off his stomach and Sasuke didn't even wonder why a girl was in the guy's shower as he dumbly let her pull him to his feet with surprising strength for someone so small – completely forgetting his initial plan to kill her.

"Here!" The blonde yelped, flinging her towel at Sasuke. "Wipe your nose with this! I'll go get a first aid kit or something!"

Sasuke gratefully dammed the blood with the towel as more blood gushed from his nose at the sight of the now-naked blonde in front of him, nimbly racing around to jerk on her shirt. For a girl, Sasuke observed still stunned, her chest was incredibly smooth and flat. And was that – wait! Girls didn't have that – !

As the blonde pulled on shorts and shot out of the shower room in search of a first aid kit, Sasuke realized faintly that the gorgeous blonde wasn't a girl at all.

He was a guy.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: You might think that Neji's behavior is a little (cough, cough) strange and slightly OOC at first, but it all has to do with a dark mysterious past complex relationship thing (oomp, oomp, oomp - strange and ineffective sound effects) so just bear with me for awhile.

As always, please tell me whatcha think! Thank you!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Two_

"Manager of Konoha's basketball team?" Ino asked the pink-haired girl incredulously. "Do I look like an idiot?"

Sakura frowned at her pretty rival. "You aren't the manager? Then what's with the jersey?"

"This?" Ino tugged on the sleeves of her basketball jacket, more than a little smugly. "This belongs to Shikamaru. I forced him to lend it to me because I wanted to look sexy and athletic!"

The pink-haired girl frowned, twitching with avid suspicion. "And why, pray tell, did you want to look sexy and athletic?"

"For UCHIHA SASUKE of course!" Ino bubbled, leaping to her feet and gathering her hands to her heart for a classic heroine pose. "I heard he was staying at this boarding house for two whole weeks! Am I lucky or what? I can just pretend that I'm here to cheer for Shikamaru and Chouji and everyone else and secretly go off on a dreamy date with Sasuke-kun!"

"LIKE HELL YOU ARE!" Sakura roared, her suspicions more than confirmed, and pushed her glaring face close to Ino's. "I'm the one who goes to the same high school with him and you're the one who was redistricted! You lost your chance, Ino-pig! Sasuke-kun is mine!"

"You think just cos I go to a different school, I'd lose to someone who only has a wide forehead to look at? When are you going to get that big head outta the clouds, Sa-ku-ra-chan?" Ino snapped, stretching out Sakura's name and thrilling it mockingly on her tongue.

"PIGPIGPIG!" Sakura rolled, pushing Ino.

"FOREHEADFOREHEADFOREHEAD!" Ino screamed, pushing back.

Caught up in their argument, both didn't notice one very wet and frightened blonde boy race past them clutching a first aid kit and splattering water all over the place. They also didn't see that the horde of very, very turned on high school boys trailing him.

* * *

"Where's Naruto?" Kiba asked, coming into the spacious bedroom he shared with his teammates. He had Akamaru hidden under his jersey. The rules for training camp specifically said 'NO PETS'. That's why Kiba had to slip away right before he turned in to walk his dog. No way he'd go for a full two weeks without the white puppy…

Chouji shrugged, stuffing potato chips into his mouth. "He went to take a shower." He replied with a full mouth.

"That was precisely forty-three minutes and twenty-seven seconds ago." Neji said, not looking up from intently perusing a basketball magazine. "Nineteen minutes and fifty-eight seconds longer than it usually takes for him to take a shower."

An amused Kiba was going to mention that for a guy that seemed to be so very preoccupied by a sports magazine, Neji kept a surprisingly accurate time of Naruto's absence. But he quickly decided to refrain when he saw the throbbing vein on the older boy's normally silky white forehead and decided to keep his observations to himself.

"Oi! Shikamaru!" Kiba yelled at the boy with a dark ponytail, who was leaning leisurely against the wall next to Chouji. "What are we gonna do?"

The seemingly lazy boy didn't look it, but the freshman was the newly appointed captain of Konoha's basketball team. It was Shikamaru's responsibility to keep everything in line – especially Naruto's… Naruto's…condition…

Shikamaru sighed tiredly. It'd only been a few hours since they got here. What were the possibilities that Naruto's little (yeah right) secret would have been found out _already_? A frown creased Shikamaru's brow as he thought of six hundred and fourteen ways just off the top of his head.

That dobe.

But it was his job, as captain, to look after the team. Of course, Shikamaru did not consider baby-sitting Naruto suffering severe side effects of his condition as a simply 'looking after the team' deal. But the little runt was his friend. Even if he _was _much too troublesome for his own good. Even if his inconvenient disease brought chaos upon chaos upon chaos…

"I guess we have to go look for him." Shikamaru sighed, getting to his feet in annoyance.

As soon as the words were out of Shikamaru's mouth, Neji streaked out of the room – his magazine immediately discarded – at lightening speed as if he'd been waiting for the signal.

Just managing to step out of his way, Kiba blinked at the incredible speed of the older boy. Akamaru, who'd popped his white furry head out of his jersey, barked in fear and snuggled back inside to avoid the roaring wind that lingered in Neji's blazing trail.

"Chouji, let's go." Shikamaru summoned the plump boy at his side.

"Okay." Chouji replied, getting to his feet while opening another package of potato chips.

As Chouji, Shikamaru and Kiba turned to exit the door, a huge group of guys raced past. Lee, who'd been returning to the room after shooting two hundred hoops, leapt at the sight of the fast moving boys and took up the "nice-guy" pose.

"What's this? A marathon of youth! Yosh!" Lee slapped his fist into his palm and pointed after the stampeding horny teenage boys. "I'll do it!" With that, he quickly raced after them.

Shikamaru sighed as Kiba and Akamaru – who'd crept his head out of Kiba's jersey – stared and Chouji chomped down on a mass of potato chips with a loud crunch. It was going to be a very, very long two weeks.

"I guess we should follow them."

* * *

Sasuke wondered why he was still sitting here, half-naked and cold, in the boy's dressing room bench and waiting obediently for the stupid blonde. Obviously, the blonde was taking his fucking sweet time in getting here; it'd been near fifteen minutes since he'd gone. And how long did it take to retrieve a first aid kit?

Not this long, dammit! Sasuke brooded, furiously. Well, the blood flow from his nose had stopped. He would leave now, 'cept…

Sasuke grimaced. But of course the stupid blonde – in his hurry – had made off wearing Sasuke's shirt and all Sasuke had was his bloody towel. Like hell yeah Sasuke would leave wrapped up in that damned thing for someone to see and be under the permanent impression that the great Uchiha Sasuke was some sort of perv – especially since there was blonde ball of energy running all over the place wearing his trademark dark blue shirt…

Another option would be to go to his room topless and get a shirt from his gym bag. But if the girls were still around… Sasuke shuddered in horror at the prospect of wading through a bunch of rabid fan-girls, half-dressed. The word suicide flashed on and off in his mind.

Shit.

Sasuke frowned, trying to puzzle out the steps to his getting into this situation again. Shower. Okay. Thinking about basketball and Gaara. Okay. Changing into clothes. Okay. Getting tackled head on by the blonde. Not okay. Nosebleeding after just seeing his face. DEFINITELY not okay.

Damnit, he was an UCHIHA! He did not nosebleed at the sight of anyone! Especially a runty blonde guy who obviously had issues! The bastard had hit his hard head against Sasuke's face without Sasuke feeling it and caused him to nosebleed – yes, yes! That had to be it! As soon as the little sonuvabitch got here, Sasuke would strangle the life out of the little –

The locker room slammed open and the blonde rushed into Sasuke's arms.

"You gotta help me!" The boy pleaded, hiding his face against Sasuke's chest.

Sasuke felt his anger deflate almost instantly. His mind turned into instant putty again as the blonde's soft hair and warm skin brushed against his cold naked chest. The smaller boy's arms were wrapped around his neck and his hands pressed into Sasuke's bare back. The blonde's legs were slung over his own and his hips were pressed against Sasuke's rising…

Sasuke's eyes flew open in shock.

Talk about LOUSY timing! Was he getting big? Um, DUH. But why was he goddamn getting aroused NOW?! Uchihas did NOT get fucking AROUSED – NOT EVER! ESPECIALLY not in the arms of a – arms of a…

… extremely good-looking blonde boy that seemed to beg 'please ravish me' signals with every twist of his lean body…

NOOOOOOOOOO!

Hot white panic blinded him as he tried to push the smaller boy off him before he caught onto his growing problem. Sasuke tried to wiggle out of the compromising position, muttering incomprehensible grunts in his alarm, "Ugh…hagh…oug…"

The blonde, ignoring the bigger boy's twisting, clung on with a surprisingly good grip. His warm chest pressed even closer to Sasuke's and his hands pushed up Sasuke's back. Sasuke tried to keep his threatening-to-shatter-self-control together. Keep it down! Keep it all DOWN, Sasuke! Down, down, down! You can do it!

"Hide me! Please!" The blonde, ignorant of Sasuke's dilemma, rubbed his face against Sasuke's chest sending a chill down the Uchiha's spine. His soft yellow hair just barely tickled Sasuke's neck. Not his neck! Dammit – NOT. HIS. NECK!

Sasuke barely managed to keep his fleeing soul from evading out of his mouth with iron Uchiha will, reminded his thing to return to normal size, and at the same time managed to gasp (his multi-tasking abilities are part of the reason why Sasuke was considered a tensai), "Okay! Okay! G-get off me and I'll hide you!"

"THANK YOU." The blonde cried, instantly flying off the taller boy.

Sasuke choked as the blonde's weight was relieved from his body. His other senses was beginning to function again now that the blonde wasn't so damn close and he could hear the noisy sounds of the blonde's pursuers closing in outside the dressing room. What the fuck was going on!

Luckily, the Uchiha was blessed with exceptional reflexes. Acting on impulse, Sasuke pushed the small blonde into his locker along with his bloody towel and slammed the door shut just a split second before a crowd of guys poured into the room.

"Where'd she go?"

"I was sure she came in this way!"

"Damn! I can't see her!"

"Hey you, did you see Konoha's manager come in here?"

Sasuke, who'd immediately been pretending to be dressing (into what?), looked up in hardly feigned annoyance at the idiot who dared to talk to him.

"I'm the only one here, obviously." He snapped coldly.

The boy who'd questioned him, backed away.

"Shit!" Came a cry of disappointment at the answer.

"Che! But I was sure I saw Konoha's manager…"

"What are you talking about?" A voice interrupted, silencing the crowd.

Sasuke turned to see a brunet boy with his hair tied up in a ponytail glance around at the hordes of guys, wearing a bored, degrading look. "I'm the captain of the Konoha basketball team and our manager is a GUY." The boy emphasized the last word slightly.

"WHAT?"

"Really?"

"No way!"

As disappointed sighs riveted through the crowd, Kiba – who'd been right behind Shikamaru – added for effect, "Yeah. Plus no one would wanna loser like him! I mean, he's loud and obnoxious and randomly emits foul body odors – not to mention he has a serious lack of brain-"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Naruto roared, kicking his way out of Sasuke's locker. Flinging the bloody towel aside, he glared at Kiba with furious blue eyes.

"-power…" Kiba finished, sighing as the crowd of boys exploded in excited cries at the sight of the blond, still shedding water from his golden hair, in a pair of shorts and some sort of sexy dark blue t-shirt.

"Heh, heh…" Naruto scratched his hair, realizing he'd just blown his cover and awkwardly backing into the locker again. "Oops…"

Shikamaru put a finger against his head, severe migraine, as the boys eagerly advanced toward the retreating blond. Baka. Gah, this was too troublesome for it's own good! Now, all he could rely on was…

"Naruto!" A long black haired boy promptly stepped between the blond and the crowd of leering and advancing group of horny teenage boys (shudder).

"Neji!" Naruto cried out in relief, the tension going out of his shoulders at the sight of his friend.

Neji smirked at the blond before turning his pale eyes on the crowd. Only the Konoha team knew what the sharp glint in the slim boy's milky eyes was a harbinger of. The fight was over in a flash and bloody bodies strewed the locker room.

* * *

"Uzumaki Naruto."

Temari slapped her pointer against a less-than-flattering picture of the blond (source unknown) – drawn complete with devil's red ears and red pitchfork – and shot death glares around the room filled with Sand basketball players – most of them injured. The wounded whimpered at her Look and she was comforted by the sound of their pain. How humiliating it'd been to have some of her teammates delivered in front of her room by an annoyed and arrogant Konoha freshman and a weird guy in some really tight green power suit – gah!

"Stay away from Uzumaki Naruto!" Temari spoke quietly, trying to keep her voice even as she delivered her warning.

Satisfying silence replied her order when suddenly it was broken by a quiet "Why?"

Temari was about to let hurl the pointer in her hand at the bastard that'd contradicted her and stopped when she realized the speaker was none other than Gaara. He leaned his powerful frame against the wall and looked at her with faint but evident interest. Was he, Temari blinked in surprise, was he… amused?

Or it could be that he too enjoyed the sounds of pain…

Temari shrugged. She was obliged to explain since it was Gaara that'd asked. After all, Gaara'd been with the starting team, tirelessly doing laps, instead of stalking some blond sicko on another basketball team. And maybe it was good to elaborate on Konoha manager's condition; it'd give more reason to the Sand players to keep away from the small boy.

Glad that she'd acquired (stolen) top-secret player information from Konoha's files, she said, "Uzumaki Naruto is Konoha's boys' basketball team manager. Hard as it is to believe, he is a _guy_." Temari smirked, remembering the shocking things she'd read in Naruto's files. "A guy that's suffering a certain tricky condition…"

* * *

"A rare ligand disease?" Kidoumaru asked, lightly surprised at Tayuya's words.

"Did I fucking stutter?" Tayuya snapped.

Trust that guy to echo her words. She'd already reached the end of her short rope when some stuck-up Konoha freshman, with some sort of red finger paint smeared on his face, along with a chubby guy, also with some sort of finger painted swirls on his cheeks (was it a Konoha fad?), brought several unconscious Sound players to her room door, when she'd fucking been trying to sleep too. Too amused for his own good, the conceited Konoha freshman had informed her to her mortification that her team had tried to molest, Tayuya shuddered, their male manager and had been all knocked out by one guy – Hyuuga Neji.

She was forced to call this emergency meeting in order to reveal her hard-collected (stolen) information about the Konoha team, especially what she'd found in the files of a certain Uzumaki Naruto. And some idiot had to freakin' repeat what she said after every sentence? Glaring steely eyed at Kidoumaru for him to be silent, Tayuya continued.

"Uzumaki's deprived of the TCAR ligand, something that restrains androstenol. Androstenol is the pheromone that girls emit which makes guys want to screw them. Of course, this is really all just fucked up because Uzumaki Naruto is a guy and shouldn't have androstenol in the first place." Tayuya recited. "But in any case, Uzumaki's body creates endless supply of androstenol and that's what causes this whole rape-the-blonde incident."

Her words were met with a general round of 'huh?'s. Sasuke, sitting against the farthest wall from Tayuya and enveloped in shadows, understood and grimaced. Was that why his body had acted up outrageously in the blond's arms? That usuratonkachi!

Tayuya snapped. "Listen, assholes. It's really simple. The nuclear receptor Constitutive Androstane Receptor, aka CAR, binds DNA as a heterodimer with the retinoic-X receptor and activates the gene transcription. Vitro studies have shown that the testosterone metabolites, androstanol, and androstenol, inhibit the constitutive transcriptional activity of CAR, suggesting that differences might exist in the response to CAR-mediated gene activation between different sexes. In one study, the response of female and male CD-1 stimulation of hepatocyte proliferation caused by the CAR ligand TCPOBOP showed that the labeling index of female hepatocytes at 24, 30 and 36 h after treatment was much higher than that found in males…"

Tayuya didn't notice the increasingly confused looks on the faces of her teammates as she continued to relay what she'd read.

* * *

"…the higher proliferate activity of female hepatocytes was associated with increased hepatic levels of cyclin D1, cyclin A, E2F and enhanced phosphorylation of pRb and p107. The increased mitogenic response of females was associated with higher mRNA levels of CYP2B10, a known target of CAR. Which means administration of androstanol to the TCPOBOP-treated caused a reduction of labeling index, which was accompanied by a decrease of CYP2B10 and CAR mRNA levels. In conclusion, these results confirm that, in addition to microsomal detoxification, another biological response elicited by the CAR ligand TCPOBOP, namely, hepatocyte proliferation, occurs at higher levels in female than male, suggesting that CAR transcriptional activity in males is partially counteracted by physiological higher levels of testosterone metabolites such as androstanol and androstenol."

Temari finished, looking expectantly around at her teammates. She'd explained it concisely and clearly – right off Naruto's private files.

"Te-Temari…" Kankuro called out, his head spinning.

"What?" Temari snapped.

"It might be more effective if you explain in terms that the general populace can understand." Kankuro suggested.

Temari frowned but answered, "Uzumaki Naruto, due to some morbid and freakish twist of nature, somehow endlessly gushes out a pheromone that should only exist in women that makes guys want to screw the shit out of him – all the time. The condition is called TCAR ligand deprivation – "

* * *

" – but sometimes called the _Uke Syndrome_." Tayuya concluded.

Sasuke was nearly choking by the end of Tayuya's long-winded explanation. What the hell, that stupid blond was an – was an –

Sasuke felt his face warm and flush in an unwanted dark blush. But that runty blond was just perfect for – for _that_, wasn't he? Sasuke cursed his memory as it unwittingly conjured up those impossibly blue eyes, the flawless golden skin, the trail of water trickling down his smooth neck – gah!

What the fuck was he thinking? He was an UCHIHA, dammit! As an Uchiha, he was _completely_ unaffected by even a full blast of any fucked up sex pheromone, even if it was emitted by a guy who would be so perfect on the receiving end, even if putting it in him would be the epitome of anyone's sex fantasy…

ARGH!!

Sasuke rammed his fist against the wall he'd been leaning on, causing a small crack to travel up the cement. Tayuya, mistaking Sasuke's overreaction as one of pure disgust and not of futile restrain, glared knowingly at the shocked faces of the Sound basketball players.

She snorted, "So I highly advise you to stay away from the blond. Next time I get word that someone tried to bang him up, I'm going to fucking remove that person's ability to make babies, got that?"

To her more-than-reasonable (cough, cough, cough) warning, the Sound players chorused together: "Yes ma'am!"


	3. Chapter 3

Warning: In the following author's note, author attempts to clear up some of the questions she was asked about pheromones. Note the word 'attempt'.

Author's Note: I'm not a biology student but I did read up (really limited) information on pheromones (would you believe, light reading?) to write Chapter 2. I skimmed an article on an experiment done about the TCAR ligand in the human body and how it controlled amounts of certain hormones. So I edited it and switched the wording enough to put take the focus away from the ligand and center it on the pheromones to make it sound like something like the Uke Syndrome was possible. Do pheromones exist... perhaps? It doesn't matter; I just made it so that Naruto had an unrealistically excessive amount of it for the plot. (Because I can! Hail gods of fanfiction!)

Anyway, like I said, I'm not a biology student so if someone brings up really technical stuff and says I'm wrong, I wouldn't even attempt to argue... The point I was trying to make was that in this fanfiction, Naruto has this disease called the Ultimate Uke Syndrome and the jargon uttered by Temari and Tayuya wasn't exactly to bring up a scientific argument but actually just a joke to show that the Sand and Sound managers do their illegal research well... Yeah, well, I babbled enough. Moving on. Moving on.

Anyway, here's another installment. Thanks for reading it so far! I'm trying hard to write stuff to entertain you folks. So hope you enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Three_

"So, that's basically what happened." Shikamaru yawned, as he explained the day's events to Aburame Shino, Konoha's back-up center and last roommate that shared their dorm room.

"I see." Shino said quietly, glancing at the blonde who was deep asleep, wearing the strange toothy hat he always wore in bed, his head snuggled in Neji's lap. "I guess it wasn't a good time for me to go and gather information."

"No, it turned out fine." Kiba reassured him, grinning at the older boy whose usually indifferent, calm expression was tainted by a faint pink blush. "Neji took care of it."

"…" Shino didn't say anything in reply as he analyzed what the Hyuuga's role in solving the crisis would have meant.

Shikamaru grimaced. "Sweeping it under the rug wasn't exactly as subtle as it could have been – but! Naruto wasn't screwed inside and out, so the mission itself was a relative success."

All six boys were deep in very different but equally emotional thoughts. Kiba, Shikamaru, Lee, Chouji, Neji and Shino were not only the future of Konoha basketball but the unofficial guardians of the blond, it'd been that way since the boys had met so many years ago. In all their time together with the dobe, they had become completely immune to Naruto's condition – though immunity was albeit bad in some cases.

Kiba winced as he remembered an incident when he was in seventh grade and had been invited to a male classmate's house to 'explore the wondrous world of men'. They'd all settled down in the guy's living room sitting in front of the huge, theater screen television installed with the recent breakthrough in sonic sound. The guy's parents had gone overseas for some errand or other and wouldn't walk in on them, so even the timing was perfect. His classmate had popped in a tape with a bright red label and Kiba heard a woman's high pitch moan as, in front of his eyes, jiggled a pair of biggest tits he'd ever seen. Especially on the wide screen – their size surpassed the basketballs Kiba practiced with.

While his male classmates writhed on the floor, all far-gone by the mind-blowing, expressive porn film flashing in front of their eyes and the sensual sounds echoing in their ears, Kiba confusedly blinked in indifference. A whole five minutes ticked by with no bodily reactions to the grade A porn. Strange. Kiba had wondered. Very strange. His mind was screaming profanities but his important thing didn't agree with his head.

And that's when he realized…

After all his time with that moron Naruto, he was now goddamn IMMUNE to all pheromones! Wild sexual cravings did NOT wrack his body – even in the most extreme circumstances! He'd become the PERFECT SHOUJO BOY ROLE, his lust only triggered by FEELINGS and EMOTIONS and INNOCENT ADORATION! GAAAHH! HE'D BECOME A GODDAMN FREAK OF NATURE! He'd become a guy, he was still a guy right? Shit! Maybe he could no longer be considered a guy! After all, he could only be turned on by ONE TRUE LOVE! His sanity cracked.

In his absolute fury, Kiba had put his fist through the super wide-screen TV and the super ultra-wavelength stereo system, pulled apart all the film in the ultra-porn tape and had socked out any bastard that dared complain to him about his actions.

Kiba's fists trembled in rage at the memory of becoming PURE but he subdued them when he looked at the blond dobe mumbling incoherent things about ramen in his slumber. But…but this couldn't be helped…could it…? No.

Kiba sighed. They were all that Naruto had left now that… now that Naruto could never play basketball again.

Shikamaru yawned as he read the expressions on the faces of his teammates as they looked on at the dobe. Neji's hand gently resting on the blond hair seemed almost fiercely protective. Everyone had reached the same conclusion that they had after every other one of these incidents for the past years: they would not stuff the little blond in an inconspicuous black plastic bag and throw him away in some major, fast flowing river.

"Let's turn in. We have practice early in the morning." Shikamaru suggested. "Maybe there will be some miracle and somehow the guys on the other teams will stay away from Naruto."

Chouji snorted, inhaling the last of his potato chips – he'd been munching away during the whole midnight meeting.

"…" Shino interrupted. (The Konoha team knew that a certain silence from him was a harbinger that he was going to say something.) Everyone stopped.

"And from my completely legal information gathering, Shikamaru's suspicions were correct." Shino said curtly, after a long pause. "They are here."

All six boys tensed. There was no need to specify who 'they' were.

Uchiha Sasuke. And Gaara.

* * *

Point of Information: Akamaru is unaffected by Naruto's pheromones since he is a dog. Only certain large farm animals are attracted to Naruto's pheromones. Kukuku… (Orochimaru's laugh for the evil effect (again shot)).

* * *

It could have been coincidence that his gym class was playing baseball on a day when that spot in his eye was acting up. It could have been a coincidence that his class was going to play against a class of a lower grade, the class that included a certain blond dobe. It could have been coincidence that one of his classmates, also coincidentally the grandson of the chief director of their school, had thrown a tantrum and had insisted on pitching at least for the third inning. It could have been a coincidence that Neji (who didn't care either way in this case) for that inning had been moved from his usual position as pitcher to the left field. And it could also have been coincidence that the baseball slammed, also coincidentally by their school's star slugger, had flown directly towards Neji in that certain angle – a certain angle that the long dark-haired boy, who was second to none in everything he did, just could not see…

Because the ball that was coincidentally aimed right at Neji followed a path undetected by the pale boy due to the Hyuuga's only physical weakness – his blind speck in his right eye…

No one had ever found Hyuuga's weakness. No one even suspected the existence of it. After all, why would the great Hyuuga Neji – number one in school, sports and with girls – ever be suspected of even having a weakness? But by a starkly humorless twist of coincidences, that incident had happened.

Of course, such a combination of coincidences could not be by chance… that day was ordained by fate… the day that Neji's one flaw would be revealed to all the onlookers, the day the dangerous baseball would threaten the milky-eyed boy's life as it careened through the air…

And fate would have had her way if the golden-haired second base runner hadn't, instead of running toward the third base, desperately thrown his body between Neji and the oncoming baseball.

Neji only realized what'd happened when he heard the sound of the speedy baseball hit against Naruto's shoulder blade with an ominous, loud CRACK.

"NARUTO!"

Kneeling down next to the fallen boy, Neji roared, "I didn't need your goddamn help! Why did you – "

"Shut up." The blonde had choked out, clutching his broken shoulder in restrained pain. "I-I just veered a l-little off course, that's all… It had nothing to do with you at all…don't be so c-conceited, Hyuuga…"

With that, Naruto closed his eyes and fell unconscious. A trembling Neji saw that the blonde's right arm was twisted at an angle that shouldn't have been possible. And Neji, the Hyuuga Neji that was cool and collected in any circumstance, held the wounded boy in his arms and screamed in beastly panic.

* * *

Neji jolted up in bed, his breath coming out in harsh gasps as his nightmare faded in the glowing morning light. Still panicky, he twisted around to see golden hair of the boy that was sleeping next to him shimmer in the bright sunbeams, his hair was the only part of him that was visible between the covers and his blue-gray nightcap with a strange face drawn upon it. Neji pulled the covers off the sleeping boy and breathed a faint sigh of relief when he saw that the familiar girlish and very pretty features were relaxed in a peaceful rest and not twisted in pain.

"Ne-ee-ji-ii!" Naruto drawled in his sleep, at the sudden loss of his warm covers. "I-am-c-old!"

A burning urge nipped at Neji's insides at the sight of the wiggling and oh-so-very-vulnerable blond in front of him and Neji wondered if he was the only one of his six comrades who still hadn't one hundred percent become immune to Naruto's condition. Neji frowned sharply. Hyuuga Neji was never last place at anything! But if it wasn't Naruto's condition that made Neji feel this way, there was that one other explanation… Neji grimaced. If that were true, then that meant…

A wry smile shaped the corners of Neji's smooth lips.

"Oi, Naruto." Neji nudged the sleeping blond.

"Hmm?" Naruto mumbled, fluttering open those amazing blue eyes.

Naruto rubbed the sleep from his eyes drowsily. It almost seemed that Neji was looking at him… fondly? He must be still dreaming. Yawning, Naruto turned to the white-skinned boy whose glossy black hair was shining in the morning sun.

"What?"

"It's five-twenty already. Don't you have manager duties, like getting everyone up for early morning training?"

Naruto stared blankly at the pair of creamy eyes before him, trying to find the coherent meaning in the older boy's words. Five-twenty…in the morning…manager…everyone up…duties… training… training camp! HOLY SHIT!

"GAAHHH!" Naruto roared, disrupting the sleep of everyone in the room like an alarm clock. "I'M LATE!"

As the rest of the Konoha players groggily got up in slow motion, Naruto flung his pajamas and nightcap off and raced about the room. Neji stood routinely by his side and handed him (all magically appearing out of nowhere) his toothbrush smeared with toothpaste, his towel, as the blond crashed in and out of the bathroom, his black t-shirt, his jeans, his socks, as the blond stumbled around trying to pull them on, his whistle, his manager files, as the blond hurried to find the player's lists and stats, a glass of milk, a plateful of toast, as the blond, quickly gobbling it down, raced out of the room to prepare the basketballs and sports drinks and everything else necessary for practice.

Looking after the back of the disappearing dobe, Neji smirked at his now fading, less potent memory of his dream. But that was only one of the reasons why he had sworn he'd protect Uzumaki Naruto with his life.

I'm sorry, Hinata-sama, but this is one right I can't let you steal from me...

* * *

Sasuke pounded his fist against the punching bag with a last burst of energy, causing the sand inside to burst and dribble generously out of the huge tear. Panting, Sasuke straightened up and surveyed the wrecked training room before glancing at his watch. Five twenty-three. He'd been here two hours now, venting his anger on anything solid he could get his hands on.

He kicked the punching bag away from him and when it swung back, splattering sand, he slugged it off the hook with a rock-hard punch. Choking out tired breathes. the Uchiha's eyes took on a dangerous look.

He was an Uchiha. Nothing would unstable his mind like it had yesterday, especially not a little blond twerp with a pheromone problem. He'd take Tayuya's advice for once and stay away from the usuratonkachi.

Stay away from Uzumaki Naruto. Find Gaara.

Sasuke smiled. That was a decent plan.

* * *

Naruto zipped down the hallways towards the training room. Gah! Why had he fallen into such a deep sleep yesterday! Perhaps it was because he'd fallen asleep besides somebody and not in some huge bed with way too much room… But that still didn't excuse him from waking up late this morning!

He was Konoha's basketball team's goddamn MANAGER and he took his job goddamn SERIOUSLY. He'd better get used to waking up fast FAST. Because, starting this year, Naruto proudly took in a great gulp of air, the national championship title would belong to – not to the Sound – not to the Sand – but to KONOHA!

Naruto slowed as he neared the open door of the training room; he'd come here to get some jump ropes and dumbbells. But it seemed like someone was already inside… Naruto frowned. If someone was inside, why'd they not switched on the stupid lights…?

Naruto peered into the dark room and gaped. The entire room was ripped apart and in the middle of the room stood a dark frame of a lean young man encased in shadows. Naruto gulped at the foreboding aura emitting from the young man. At the slight sound from the blonde, the form turned around slowly and his eyes pierced the darkness to lock with Naruto's.

"Uzumaki Naruto." The young man hissed.

Naruto felt his heart race as the guy accented every syllable of his name. This guy was dangerous. Every fiber in his body was telling him this guy was dangerous. Tensing his stance in a defensive position, Naruto demanded, "W-Who are you?"

The young man's lips twitched into a smile as he slowly peeled from the shadows. As the boy's features withdrew from the blackness, Naruto made out pale, ghostly white skin. The boy's red hair was accented by the darkness and a starkly blatant red tattoo AI marked his smooth white forehead. The young man's eyes were rimmed with black but themselves were a light lime shade, a bright, brilliant green. And those eyes, those eyes were still peering into Naruto's own as the young man, the very, very, very dangerous aura producing young man, stepped closer to him.

…Move…

Naruto didn't know why his brain hissed the order to his body – fear, shock? – but for either of those two reasons, his body wasn't obeying.

…Move…

The other boy drew closer and panic burst in Naruto's chest.

MOVE! GODDAMMIT MOVE!

But by the time Naruto's feet had twitched a little backwards, the young man was already upon him. His eyes were glinting with a murderous intent – a raw intent to kill –

"GYAH!"

Naruto's holler exploded through the quiet morning air. The redhead was so close now that their eyes were only a centimeter apart. Naruto felt the young man's smooth teeth brush his cheek and realized that… that SOME CREEPY GUY FROM THE SHADOWS WAS GOING TO BITE HIS HEAD OFF – !

Naruto threw his head back to scream again when a warm sensation stroked his cheek.

…

……

………

Naruto blinked and looked back at the scary guy in front of him, who was smirking at the evident fear and shock in the blond's blue eyes. Did this guy just… just…

LICK HIM?

At his wide-eyed stare, the young man's lips twitched into an, albeit creepy, but still dangerously sexy smile. "You had toast for breakfast, didn't you?" The redhead licked the essence of sugar from his lips and wiped the moisture from his lips with his thumb.

Naruto stared at the guy before him a little longer, listening to the sounds of his logic shattering into minuscule pieces. He'd just been attacked by the too-sexy-for-his-own-good-redhead, hadn't he? Was it possible to pee in your pants and simultaneously suffer a super erection? Cos that was what definitely felt like was happening in his pants this very second…

Naruto – when he'd not been still immune to his own condition before – had once been turned on by his own pheromones – which had been really, really, really humiliating. But this – this right now was even worse than his narcissistic lust of the past. An inner Naruto had run off to some dark corner in his mind to drown and faint away in his own nosebleed as Naruto himself was dizzily trying to decide whether to slap himself silly out of his horny infatuation or fall at the feet of the redhead and beg to be dragged to the nearest kitchen table and be repeatedly molested…

Shaking his head furiously out of his delusions, Naruto pointed a shaking finger at the redhead.

"What the FUCK was THAT for?!" He demanded, managing to keep all traces of his fear out of his voice.

The redhead smirked at the blond in front of him. This was working out too perfectly, wasn't it? Soon, he'd have everything working the way he wanted… Uzumaki Naruto really was proving to be an interesting and a profitable find…

He moved to walk past the much shorter blond boy when suddenly the dobe grabbed his collar with surprising strength for such a small body and jerked his face level with his.

"Hey! You didn't tell me what that was about!" The little blonde roared. "Did you wreck the training room? Huh!"

The redhead smiled in faint delight. So the blond princess had a temper, did he? This would be fun…more fun than it'd been even the last, satisfyingly bloody time…

Naruto was taken aback by a gorgeous smile that bloomed on the other boy's face. His heart began to thump quickly. This guy was… this guy was… what the fuck was this guy? Why was he making him feel so… so… not the way he was supposed to feel at all. Suspiciously, he glared at the redhead.

"Gaara." The boy answered Naruto's implicit question, his whispered breath tickling Naruto's cheeks. "My name is Gaara."

Naruto jerked the other boy back as his tuffs of breath warmed his cheeks and made them burn. His heart was racing now – too quickly for its own good. Whatthehellwhatthehellwhatthehell? "Uh..." Naruto replied blindly and rushed out in a futile attempt to hide his confusion. "My name is…"

"Uzumaki Naruto." Gaara interrupted, smiling that frighteningly sexy smile again. "I know."

* * *

Author's Note: The wonders of writing fanfic: struggling to keep all your complex story plots in order… trying to make the sentences makes sense… hoping that you aren't just confusing everybody… waiting for people to review (hint, hint)… wishing that your characters existed in real life and were willing to sleep with each other where you could watch…

Wait! WHAT!

The author digresses. Ahem, but, I hope to see you all in Chapter 4. If you feel like it, please drop me a line! (By the way, I'm not going to say what the pairing for this story is yet... so, please hang around to find out!)


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait, everyone… I was caught in traffic!

_Naruto and Sakura pop up out of nowhere and points a suspicious finger at the author and shouts "A LIE!" as Sasuke smirks and adds "You don't even drive."_

Cough, cough…

…uh, well, um…a lot of people had been asking me about what kind of pasts everyone had, but trust me, it'll all be revealed in good time. I promise I'll tell the whole story by and by. As usual, everyone that'd read my fic thus far, I really love you. Really. And an extra thanks to everyone that's been telling me what they think. You guys are great.

Well, I'll not keep you any longer! Enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Four_

Temari glared at the girl in front of her, her face twisting into a stubborn frown.

"Move."

Tayuya sniggered at the other girl – did she really expect her to listen to her order? Who did she think she was?

"No. You move."

This was going to be a problem, wasn't it? It was five thirty-six in the morning and all three teams were out to run laps. Shikamaru sighed as the two girls engaged in a stare down, electricity sparking between their eyes. That's what the administrators got for assigning three contending schools in one training site… a long, troublesome argument…

"Where's Naruto?" Shino suddenly spoke up from behind him.

Neji, who'd been intently staring at some birds in the far off distance, flinched at the observation.

Kiba glanced around and wondered aloud. "Why isn't he taking it out with the other managers like he's 'posed ta?"

Shikamaru had an impending sensation of dejavu and groaned. Not only did the fate of their choice of training grounds seem to be in the hands of two angry and irrational women, but also Naruto was missing – again. Shikamaru was about to open his mouth to suggest a temporary break to go search for the dobe but stopped when he saw Neji tense, just waiting for those words.

Assigning a search now would mean discarding bloody bodies later…

Shikamaru's brow creased in deep thought. First, he should secure the practicing grounds. Secondly, he would go off with the specific five to look for Naruto. Troublesome problems seemed to continue to pile – one on top of the other and on and on…

"Oi! Oi!" Shikamaru called out, gesturing at the still bickering women. "Let's not forget – "

"KONOHA! THIS WAY!" An incredibly loud and familiarly annoying voice shouted, interrupting Shikamaru's interruption. "Hello? HUT! HUT! We don't have all day! Let's JOG!"

All eyes on the field turned towards a little boy with golden hair, holding a clipboard in his hands. He was slightly ruffled and his face was colored with a pink blush, but this, and the way his tad-too-big jersey was hanging off his shoulders and revealing more of his smooth neck than expected, made the yellow-haired dobe look unearthly… unearthly _delicious_…

Instantly a stampede started to form from where the Sand and the Sound were lined up. Luckily, the would be repetition of yesterday's events were even more speedily dispersed when Temari slapped with her clipboard the first Sand runner away so hard that he flew fifty meters to crash into a tree and Tayuya hissed the word 'castration' in a dangerous, warning tone.

"Huh?" Naruto squinted, looking around at the crowds of Sand and Sound as if realizing their presence for the first time. "Is something going on?"

Temari looked back. She'd just noticed that Gaara had used the Uzumaki's gaudy entrance to join his teammates unobserved by the others on the team. It was unusual for Gaara to be late for practice. She frowned at his tardiness. Was it because…was it because…

_He_ was here?

Temari darted a look at Uchiha Sasuke, who was contemptuously looking to the side, away from Gaara. It didn't seem like the dark-haired boy had noticed her brother's presence yet. Which was a small relief. A very small relief in the way a natural disaster being delayed for a few precarious but still precious seconds would be… In that case, Temari wondered, would Gaara be the first to notice him then? Because Sasuke was definitely here… He was just so very close!

Temari spoke up, deciding it best to delay the natural disaster just a little bit more…

"Sand! We are going in to work on the basics first!" She snapped, ordering them towards the gym on the other side of the field. Temari turned toward Naruto and barked, "Listen, runt. I'm giving you an hour and a half to wrap up your team's warming up!"

"I'm giving you an hour." Tayuya interrupted, glaring at Temari for stealing the show. She pointed toward the second gym, directly across the field from the one Temari had chosen, and ordered, "Listen up, you assholes! Sound is going to do some training exercises before we run laps! Move your behinds!"

As both respected teams jogged off the fields, Temari and Tayuya turned to follow them when…

"I'm giving myself two hours."

Temari and Tayuya turned back again to see the little blonde, looking at them with vehement, fiery blue eyes. He folded his arms in front of his chest and stubbornly stated again, "Come back in two hours – then, Konoha'll be finished with laps."

The nerve of that…! Tayuya's eyes bulged.

The little runt…! Temari sharply drew in a reprimanding breath of air.

But Naruto met both death glares easily and snapped. "That's how it's gonna be cos Konoha is soon gonna be number one 'round here and you two better get used ta it."

Fire burst in both girls' eyes. Shikamaru had to move quickly to grab onto Neji's arm before he could get between the two attacking girls and Naruto.

"Wait." He hissed.

Naruto dodged Temari's punch before using her acceleration against her to pull her down on to ground. He then instantly blocked Tayuya's kick before flipping her on to her back. It was all over in half a second. Temari and Tayuya lay blinking similarly on the ground – unhurt but very, very surprised at the retaliation from the blonde twerp.

The same thought was floating above their heads.

'HOW HUMILIATING! I was just floored by a goddamn BOY – and a goddamn little twerpy boy at that! If the guys on the team find out – GAH! I'll never be able to live it down!'

"Two hours." Naruto pouted, looking down at them insistently.

Temari was the first to recover and leap off the ground.

"Hmph." She spat at the blonde, rubbing her cheeks to hide her faint blush. "You just caught me by surprise, runt. Next time, you won't be so lucky." With that, she stalked away, retaining all haughty pride – save her reddening face.

_"censored censored!_ _censored _you _censored censored! _I _censored_!" Tayuya roared, getting to her feet red-faced. Naruto stared at her, stricken at her verbal choices. Shikamaru and Neji were also both impressed by her colorful diction.

"_censored censored _will _censored! censored _that _censored censored!_ Fine, _censored_ two hours _censored_! _censored_ you little _censored censored censored_!" Tayuya grabbed Naruto's collar and yelled.

The crimson haired girl left a choking blonde behind her, wondering what language that'd been and why he was still able to understand parts of it though he didn't speak a second language.

* * *

Sasuke plopped down on the bench, taking a water break. From here, he could see the Sand team, moving out to the field. (To see the Sand was why he was taking a rare water break in the first place…) More specifically, Sasuke could see Gaara move out towards the field. The usually stoic boy's lips twisted in a wry smile at the familiar sight of the redhead. He found himself anticipating certain movements from the green-eyed boy and was pleased when Gaara moved in that exact manner. It was like all those years hadn't happened at all… 

Suddenly, something interrupted Sasuke's view of Gaara. The dark-haired boy frowned as he saw a certain usuratonkachi signal his teammates off the field. The blonde's face was split with a wide grin as he beamed at his teammates in pure bliss. Why the _fuck_ was that little freak of nature so damn happy?

Sasuke found himself irritably following the blonde's actions as Naruto quickly offered a chubby boy a sports drink and patted him on the back encouragingly as the lug chugged it down. Next, he sprinted off to read to a guy with a tacky bowl cut his records and – after listing the numbers off his clipboard – share a strange, seemingly ritual, thumbs-up sign and exchange shiny toothy grins. The blonde then charged off to offer refreshments to a guy with the ponytail, a guy with wild black hair and red markings on his face (both Sasuke had seen the day before) and a dark and mysterious guy with round black sunglasses. While they drank the drinks, the dobe twisted around in some sort of strange hip dance thing. Sasuke reddened – did that fool have no shame? What was that incredibly, freakishly stupid (yet sort of cute) cheer?

Suddenly, the blonde fell flat on his face after tripping over his own feet and waking Sasuke up from his momentarily delusion in thinking the abnormal dance was even slightly, minutely attractive. The other three, that'd watched the one-man show with similar frozen expressions on their faces, sighed as three black dots (the anime sign attributed to not knowing what to think) appeared over their heads.

Finally, Naruto skipped off to offer a longhaired boy – the same guy that'd punched out the mass of horny basketball players yesterday – a large white towel. As the taller boy took it from the blonde to wipe his face, Naruto brightly chirped something to him – wearing a happy smile and glowing with doting pride. The longhaired boy paused in drying his face for a moment to awkwardly pat the smaller blonde on the head.

…and why had Sasuke just watched this whole freakin' display of teammate love…?

Sasuke shook his head furiously. What was he doing? Why was he watching the stupid usuratonkachi? Gah! And he'd lost track of Gaara! Fuck it! He scanned the field for signs of the redhead and was dejected when he didn't find a trace.

"I wouldn't be there." A soft voice breathed on the back of his neck. "Because I'm right here…"

Sasuke spun around, eyes wide. Right behind him stood…

…Gaara…

* * *

Sunlight trickled into the warm room, bouncing off the white covers and shining on the wildly scattered clothes and mostly overturned, some broken, furniture. A raven-haired young man sat up in bed, stretching his arms over his head. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he turned to the young man sleeping next to him. 

"Oi. It's morning." Sasuke whispered, stroking the pale bare back of the redheaded boy besides him.

In response, all he got was a growl as the boy pulled the white covers over his head to drown out the light.

Sasuke laughed, tugging at the blankets that concealed the redhead from him. "Oi, Gaara. Temari's going to have a fit. She's probably out looking 'round for ya right now and my place is going to be the first she'll look."

At that, the redhead pushed the covers off his face and glared at his friend with furious lime-green eyes. "You didn't complain half as much yesterday night."

Sasuke grinned, lying back down so that he's chin was balanced on the other boy's chest. "But I wanted to. You got to be on top twice."

Gaara continue to glare. "No. _You_ fucking got to be on top twice, Uchiha. I pinned you only _once_."

"Sorry, I lost count." Sasuke muttered sleepily, rubbing his head against the white, warm chest.

Gaara angrily pushed his head off him to turn the dark-haired boy on his back so that he could kiss him, aggressively on the mouth…

* * *

"Thinking naughty thoughts, Uchiha." Gaara's cold voice broke into Sasuke's flooding memories that'd come back to him at the sight of his old friend. "You haven't changed at all…" 

Sasuke smirked at the redhead, who was staring at him with a hidden smile on his unmoving lips. "But you noticed? You haven't changed either, Gaara."

It was as if the whole gym was frozen. Even Tayuya was at a loss for words, as the Sound watched – though they couldn't hear – the exchange between their star center and near-legendary basketball genius, Uchiha Sasuke and Sand's starting point guard and the famous (or infamous, take your pick) basketball demon, Gaara. A cold aura seemed to envelope the two should-be rivals but seemingly friends…

"What do I owe this visit?" Sasuke jeered as the redheaded boy stepped back just enough so that his breath didn't glaze the other boy's pale skin.

Gaara raised an eyebrow at the Uchiha. He still hadn't lost his arrogant air or his godforsaken good looks. But Gaara didn't care about that anymore. He had another plan – a plan that had nothing to do with a reunion of any sort with the Uchiha…

Sasuke caught the basketball the redheaded boy – a tad more aggressively than necessary – tossed into his hands.

"I thought we could play some one on one, Uchiha." Gaara hissed.

Sasuke had to smile. Gaara had come to issue a challenge! And what was better than a challenge to make him forget all unnecessary thoughts – like that of a certain blonde dobe? What was better than a challenge to help him focus on what was the most important – basketball? Especially when the challenge proved to be something worthy of taking seriously…

Sasuke slammed the orange ball back into Gaara's ready hands.

"You should be scared, Gaara." The Uchiha snapped, getting to his feet. "And maybe begging for me to go easy on you."

A dark frown of anger tainted the other boy's pale brow for a split second before it just as quickly disappeared. "I _never_ beg." Gaara replied in voice trembling with suppressed rage. "You should know, Uchiha… It's usually the other way around…"

Sasuke twitched at the reference but let Gaara continue.

"But it is true that I haven't set any grounds for the game yet."

"Since when did you have any grounds for anything?" Sasuke answered, too coldly.

"And since when did you acquire this wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor?" Gaara jeered back, instantly perceiving the other boy's resent and enjoying it.

Sasuke fell silent, disliking the fact that he'd let his emotions show even in the tiniest way.

"I want an audience, Uchiha." Gaara snarled. "So everyone can see your defeat."

That sounded like the old Gaara… Sasuke's face unwilling twisted into a small smile. "We have an audience pre-made…" He gestured around at his still-staring teammates. "But is that it, Gaara?"

Gaara shook his head shallowly and continue to lock eyes with the dark-haired boy's. "One on one is still not meaningful unless we make some kind of bet, don't you agree Uchiha?"

"A bet?" The Uchiha echoed, curious despite himself. "What kind of bet?"

"It's been a long time…Sasuke…" Gaara's quiet voice echoed Sasuke's ears. His heart skipped a beat that Gaara had called 'Sasuke'. The only time the redhead called him by his first name was when he was close to…

Sasuke tried to shun all memories of them together. But his body was trembling in anticipation despite himself.

"Between old friends, it's only right to catch-up." Gaara smirked. "So, if you win, I'll tell you the name of my new bitch. If I win, you tell me who you _still_ like… Classic, don't you think?"

Sasuke grinned in faint interest at the proposal. "Why would who I like matter to you, Gaara?"

Gaara grinned back, his green eyes glowing in a slightly evil tint at the droll question. "It doesn't."

Sasuke's smile grew broader. Gaara had always been amusing in an evil way, unlike everyone else, in a way only Gaara could ever get away with…

"Ah." Looking at his friend with raised eyebrows, Sasuke jeered, "And that also explains why I'd care who you like."

"You do." Gaara said simply. Sasuke flinched a little at the curtness of the redhead's words. He'd still not lost that painful directness – not even after all these years.

"So, it's to your advantage Uchiha. What do you say?"

Sasuke's fist trembled in anger for a second at Gaara's degrading tone that he uttered his challenge. The raven-haired boy tried to figure out what the redheaded bastard was getting at. He stared into the beautiful green eyes, now shining with amusement, a while longer. His emotions twisted inside him but he managed to restrain them with iron Uchiha control as he gave his final answer.

Sasuke glowered.

"But I _will_ win."

* * *

"Watch Sound's number one player Uchiha Sasuke play one on one against Sand's number one player Gaara?" Shikamaru repeated in surprise at the blonde girl's proposal. Sure, he would – no problem at all! But the situation as it was, it was as if America had decided to display its new defense strategies and had invited all terrorist organizations with nuclear bombs to come and watch the show… 

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at Sand's manager as if to ask what the catch was. But Temari didn't know what sort of face she should wear…

Temari was worried. Very worried. In the middle of training, Gaara had disappeared again without warning – which wasn't highly unusual in itself – and had reappeared again only to tell her that he was going to play one on one with Uchiha Sasuke. Temari – who had seen practically all that was shocking living with Gaara for all his life – had near choked at her little brother's sudden proposal.

Uchiha Sasuke? Was there more than one Uchiha Sasuke? Pray to God there wasn't – especially with the same personality! But if it was the one and same Uchiha Sasuke… AGH!!

Temari had known to anticipate a natural disaster when the two boys would lay their eyes on each other again after so many years, but she hadn't known she should anticipate what was equivalent of four or five natural disasters at once – like your head drowning in a flood while your body burned in a conflagration. Not only that, there was another thing that disturbed her…!

Gaara had specifically told her to invite Konoha to watch…

Temari turned toward the captain of the Konoha team and – angry in her own confusion – snapped vilely. "Well?"

Shikamaru frowned. Why were women so emotional – all the time? They were so troublesome…

"Sure. We'll come." The dark-haired boy replied, casually.

"Yosh! Now I can analyze all their moves and tell everyone so we can beat 'em in the upcoming summer games!" Naruto pumped his fists into the air. Temari had near forgotten his presence behind the team captain – perhaps because Shikamaru was much taller than Naruto and hid the blonde from her sight.

"Yes, yes. Of course you can…" Shikamaru lied, pulling the still babbling blonde after him to go inform his teammates.

Temari bit her lower lip, watching the noisy blonde and the lazy brunette wander off to their team.

Gaara… Temari fidgeted. What in kami's name are you planning?

* * *

Sasuke felt a twinge of excitement as he stepped on to the basketball court and faced Gaara. On the sidelines, Sound, Sand and even Konoha were lined to watch the would-promise-to-be-heated game. Sasuke smirked a little, only now figuring out what Gaara'd wanted to achieve with his 'bet' in front of all these people. 

Still a little savage, Gaara? Sasuke asked the boy in front of him silently. Do you still so enjoy the expression of pain…

…even mine…?

But Gaara didn't seem to see Sasuke's temporarily vulnerable look – or if he had, chose to ignore it.

"We play to a score of one – half court." Gaara told the other boy promptly. "Or else it'll take too long."

Sasuke consented with a slight incline of his head. He watched Gaara bounce the basketball in his hand twice – so lightly that seemed like the ball never touched the ground – and moved into the position. The game began…

* * *

Author's Note: I know, I know… it's a cliffie. But actually, I was going to end this chapter two sections up with the words "but I will win" but I figured that would be too evil (and too short). 

_everyone glares at author as she smiles smugly as if she did something benevolent_

Well, tell me what you think and stick around for my next chapter, please. I love y'all!


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Wow… we are on chapter five already, huh? Doesn't seem like it, does it?

Naruto glares at author and says, "Yeah, specially cos you took so damn long to write it…"

;;; Um, well, sorry for another long wait, everyone! Smiles innocently I was climbing out of a plot hole!

_Naruto and Sakura snort in disgust._

"_She's not even worth accusing of being a liar." Naruto mutters._

"_It is so obvious." Sakura agrees. _

_Author runs after them, crying, "But s'true!"_

ANYway… Here's chapter five! As usual, please drop me a line if you have the time.

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Five_

Naruto's blue eyes did not leave the court – never even blinked – as they took in every detail of the gorgeous basketball game in front of him. The two boys on the court didn't even seem to be playing basketball at all but performing a very intricate, elaborate dance. Sasuke weaved around the body of the redheaded boy in a flash of the eye but Gaara twisted away a split split second faster.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

The bright ball bounced against the wooden floor.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Naruto's heart hammered loudly; his whole body ached with longing. How he wanted to touch that gorgeous ball – and feel each bump beneath his fingers as he made that glorious sound of rubber against wood! He wanted to play against these two – his whole mind, body and soul wanted to play against these two…

What he'd give to play basketball again!

Thump. Thump. Thump.

The sound of the basketball brought Naruto back from his desperate desires. Sasuke and Gaara were still almost intertwined with each other – still both searching for any opening to make the first move. Naruto noted that while Sasuke's movements were exact and fluid – lithe like flowing water – the redhead dribbled the ball as if it were part of his body. And the basketball seemed to be completely obedient to the Gaara's will…

And then it happened. Sasuke pushed his body a tad too close to Gaara's. Instantly, the redhead moved his arm – and the basketball bouncing from it dutifully like a yo-yo – out of Sasuke's reign of control. Sasuke realized his mistake a fraction of a second after Gaara did. He jerked roughly away from Sasuke.

Naruto watched, enthralled, as the redhead took a quick step, bounced the ball once and moved it into the smoothest lay-up shot he'd ever seen. Gaara's body was at the exact angle – the perfect angle – and Naruto found himself on his feet, anticipating the shot that would surely come –

It was as if the whole world was still. All that existed in the world was the small breath of air that escaped from the gorgeous redhead's body as he held it in the precise pose and the single loud beat of an eager blonde spectator's heart. Naruto was in love with the redhead's play. Naruto was in love with the redhead's silky magnificence…

And then the whole world broke as Gaara – as if checking himself – suddenly halted before he'd fully released the ball. The basketball hit against the far rim of the basket and a raven-haired boy flashed up to catch the rebound. Gaara darted to check his opponent but the play was now over. Sasuke had gained control and _he_ wasn't going to let go…

Sasuke moved the ball out and in again to make a clean three point shot.

* * *

Sasuke looked darkly at the young man in front of him. He was balancing the basketball that he'd retrieved on his fingers effortlessly. Not a drop of sweat marred the smooth white brow, which just added to further confirm Sasuke's suspicions. Did that goddamn sonuvabitch lose on purpose? Did he? 

Did Gaara mock him? Mock Uchiha Sasuke?

Sasuke had been sure that the bet was made by the redhead to have Sasuke admit all over again his weakness – how he still felt about the redhead after all these years. But that hadn't been it, obviously, or Gaara wouldn't have lost on purpose. But if it wasn't the reason, there could only be one other thing Gaara wanted…

Something that Sasuke had not – forced himself not – to admit as even a possibility.

Sasuke balled his hands into trembling fists. So… Gaara's words proved true. Sasuke had lost. He'd won the basketball game but lost the real game Gaara had been planning. He was furious at himself that he'd been tricked. He was even more furious that he'd not seen through the other boy's trick.

Sasuke turned to the redhead who'd realized that Sasuke knew now what he was up to and grinned from pleasure of the moment of his victory.

Spitting the words out nastily, Sasuke asked the question that he now knew Gaara wanted to be asked – in front of everyone…

"So who's the fucking whore you are in love with now, Gaara? Who's your new goddamn bitch?"

Gaara smirked up at his dark-haired friend's angry words, a little surprised that the Uchiha was revealing so much emotion all of a sudden. Was it possible that the dark-haired boy hadn't forgotten what'd happened so many years back? Gaara raised his eyebrows in mild interest at the seething boy in front of him, wonderfully sexy in his dark rage – and was that hurt – pain?

It _was_ pain! Now it was obvious that he hadn't forgotten.

Gaara grinned and broke his gaze with the Uchiha, glancing leisurely back to make sure all the members of the Konoha team were listening. They were.

And so Gaara announced, loudly and clearly.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

* * *

It would have been possible to hear termites whisper in the gymnasium as everyone tried to digest what the redheaded boy had just so blatantly said. 

Neji was the very first to digest.

Gaara held back the angry boy's fist with one hand – surprised at the sudden attack. Neji didn't give him time to wear off the surprise as he slugged at him with his other fist. Gaara barely had time to dodge and Neji's fist made brushing contact against the redhead's cheekbone. Gaara jumped back, glaring at the – light – but unexpected pain.

"DON'T JOKE ABOUT CRAP LIKE THAT!" Neji roared, skidding forward to deliver a kick.

Gaara blocked it with his left arm and punched at his attacker in reply with his right. His fist hit Neji's.

"Who says I'm joking?" Gaara snarled as the two boys strained against the other's power.

Everyone watched a new 'game' begin in front of them as the long black-haired boy and the redhead beat at each other at lightening speed, hissing inaudible curses at each other as they flashed through a series of Spartan moves. Only Sasuke seemed not to notice the exhilarated fighting that was going on all around him as one name continued to flash in his stunned mind…

'Uzumaki Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto…'

…till the named boy jumped in front of him to block Gaara's missed punch from hitting the far-gone Uchiha full on the chest. The move would have looked cool had the blonde not used his jaw to block it…

Naruto yelled through his bleeding lip, "STOP IT!"

The order was redundant since the two boys had already stopped at the appearance of the blonde interrupter.

Naruto glared at Gaara and Neji, his face red – either from the punch or a dark blush. "Stop fighting." He repeated, slowly.

And turning to Neji, the blonde said – his manager instincts taking over – " You could strain your arm before the game – you have to be careful."

"A-alright…" Neji replied.

Next, Naruto turned towards Gaara – who was staring intently at him – and, though blatantly blushing, screamed. "And you! Don't make fucked up gags like that! You don't even look like a gag character! GAH! And we are both guys! I mean, that wouldn't even make – "

Naruto's next words of hysteria were interrupted by Gaara, licking the dripping blood from the corner of Naruto's bleeding lip.

…

…lick, lick…

…

……

…lick, lick, lick…

………

An even greater silence – broken only by the sound of Gaara's sucking Naruto's blood – fell upon everyone in the gymnasium. Even Neji was too shocked to respond. This time, it was Naruto who broke the quiet first.

"GARGH!" Naruto shrieked, pulling away from a smirking Gaara. "ARE YOU BULIMIC! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LICKING STUFF OFF MY FACE? IF YOU ARE HUNGRY, I'LL FEED YOU! SO _DON'T_ DO THAT AGAIN! ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL THAT CRAP ABOUT YOUR LIKING ME -!"

The members of the audience collapsed to their feet. Their heads were spinning in the labor of trying to take in an outrageous one on one match between the two greatest basketball players in Japan's league; the demon of the Sand Gaara's shocking confession; a full-blown, almost invisibly fast fist fight between two bishounen; the named blonde being punched – out of the blue – full on the face; then having his wounds licked in an extremely erotic way by a very hot redhead – only to have it all concluded by totally stupid and completely irrelevant remarks from the hysterical blonde! It was just too much information in the spans of less than thirty minutes!

Unlike the audience, Gaara seemed to be rather amused by the blonde's ramping outcries. His green-eyes carefully trailed after the blonde's overacted movements. In the case of Sasuke and Neji, both their hearings had been tailored so that they'd heard Naruto's words as:

"…gargh…bulimic…ALWAYS LICKING MY FACE…do that AGAIN…"

Always? Again? As in, it has happened before!

The two dark-haired boys looked at Naruto and Gaara in shock.

Neji's eyes followed Naruto – though that was difficult because the little blonde was running all over the place in his hysteria. The Hyuuga couldn't help but notice that Naruto's face was just a little too red, his voice a little too loud (even more than usual)… Neji glared at the smirking redhead, who was now wiping a spot of Naruto's blood from his lips. Neji didn't like Gaara _at all_…

Sasuke watched the way Gaara's eyes were focused directly and never wandering from the rampaging blonde. Sasuke knew that look. And that look made even the great Uchiha uneasy. It was exactly the way a predator looked upon its prey before it feasted… If Uzumaki Naruto was the object of Gaara's 'lust', if Uzumaki Naruto was Gaara's prey…

…Gaara's prey…

Sasuke didn't know whether the great emotion that twisted his guts that moment was jealousy…

…or fear…

* * *

Kidoumaru looked at the empty mat next to his as he came back into his dorm room, drying his hair with a towel. 

"Jiroubo!" He called out. "Where's Uchiha?"

Jiroubo shrugged, looking up from icing down his legs. "He said he was going for a walk."

"Pretty late time for a walk." Kidoumaru remarked, looking at his watch.

11:13. Not only that, this was after their grueling practice till ten thirty that night… (Because Tayuya had gotten excited that Sound's number one player had beaten Sand's number one player and extended practice for two hours in celebration – a logic that made sense only to her very warped and savage mind.) Was the Uchiha boy really human?

Kidoumaru smirked. Of course, he'd been wondering _that_ for all the time that he'd known the cold, brooding boy. Especially after all that'd happened to the poor sonuvabitch cos of his older brother – a _normal_ human being would have committed a quick and bloody suicide. Obviously, since Sasuke hadn't, it could only be expected that the Uchiha would have more than few screws loose in the brain…

Suddenly, Sakon, who'd been till that moment lying flat on his back with his eyes closed on his mat, smirked. It was all very creepy because his eyes were covered with a wet cloth and only his twisted smile was visible.

"Maybe he went to Gaara." The pale-haired boy suggested – his tone undetectable.

Kidoumaru snorted as Jiroubo paused again to stare at Sakon's reclining form at the idea of it.

"Yeah right. As if cold-blooded Gaara will let Sasuke into his pants after Sasuke won the one-on-one…" Kidoumaru jeered, continuing to dry his hair again. "That's fucking crazy, Sakon…"

Sakon smirked again. "But Gaara lost on purpose; maybe old feelings die hard – even for the cold-blooded."

"What the hell?!" Kidoumaru blurted. Jiroubo shared his teammates astonishment and jerked his feet out of the ice; his face contorting into a furious scowl.

"You didn't know?" Sacon quietly mocked his surprised teammates.

Kidoumaru twisted the towel in his hand so tightly in his anger that the cloth began to rip. That sonuvabitch Gaara – how dare he mock the Sound!

* * *

A dark form approached the door of the Konoha team's dorm room. The pale boy raised his fist to knock on the door when a sharp voice called out, "What do you want?" 

Sasuke turned around to see Neji, staring at him suspiciously.

"I have no business with you." Sasuke told the dark longhaired boy briskly.

"And you have no business with Naruto, either." Neji snapped.

Sasuke's dark eyes met Neji's pale ones. Both boys' white skin glinted in the moonlight that floated into the hallway.

"It has nothing to do with _you_." Sasuke hissed dangerously.

"Naruto's not here." Neji answered coolly. "I'm coming back from escorting him. Good night."

Sasuke didn't move out of the way so that Neji could enter the room. Instead, the dark-haired boy interrogated quietly, "When will he return?"

"_That_ doesn't concern you."

Sasuke's fist crashed into the wall behind Neji, his balled up hands passing the pale boy's face by a hair. "Where's Uzumaki Naruto?" Sasuke asked again, moving his fist to reveal a chipped stone wall.

Neji didn't even flinch as he ordered the Uchiha, "Move."

Both boys glared at each other. A tense moment that seemed to linger forever passed before Sasuke finally broke eye contact, shifting away slightly to let the longhaired boy by. Neji grabbed the doorknob to open the door when, Sasuke's deep voice sliced the deeper silence.

"Tell the usuratonkachi to be careful."

Neji froze, the doorknob half-turned in his grip. After a moment's hesitation, he asked, his voice trembling lightly, "Why should Naruto be careful?"

"Because." Sasuke answered, as he began to walk away. His footsteps made lonely sounds that echoed in the empty hallway.

"Because, he might die…"

* * *

Sasuke heard the sounds of footsteps coming towards him as he walked down the hallway and back to his room. Sasuke knew who it was – just by the rhythm of those footsteps. And – even without the sound – the Uchiha could have probably felt this presence… Kami, why was he up at this hour? Why was he here – now? 

But of course, it was never a coincidence with him.

"Gaara." Sasuke greeted, stopping. The redheaded boy appeared out of the dark shadows of the hallway lit only by moonlight. The echoing footsteps stopped as Gaara stilled as well, standing before the Uchiha. Despite himself, Sasuke found himself thinking irrelevant thoughts of how he was still about three centimeters taller than Gaara; he hadn't realized that afternoon with all the chaos of the game…

"Uchiha." Gaara replied, his green eyes shining in the blackness.

And silence.

"Did you warn Uzumaki Naruto to be careful?" Gaara finally asked, his voice cool and indifferent.

"No." Sasuke replied, not adding that he couldn't because the blonde dobe had been elsewhere.

"I was sure you would."

Sasuke didn't say anything in return.

"…because you _know_…" Gaara continued, unusually filling in the silence. "Because you know what I'm going to do."

"Bad habits die hard." Sasuke replied, emotionlessly.

And another silence…

"I hoped you'd be jealous." Gaara spoke first again.

"Why?" Sasuke asked coldly, but too quickly.

"Because I like to watch you in pain." Gaara replied instantly. "I always liked to watch you in pain. Even then."

Sasuke twitched as he began to walk past the redhead. He had to get away before he foolishly leaked out any hint of emotion again – dammit! He was an Uchiha! So why the fuck did he show freakin' weakness! It didn't matter how much Sasuke had…had…

He had to admit it. The feeling was too strong to deny. No matter how much Sasuke had _missed_ Gaara's contact – missed the bond that they shared – this was _too_ dangerous. And foolish. Not after all those years… Not after all that'd happened…

Gaara called after the Uchiha, interrupting Sasuke's thoughts and the dark, dark night air, "I would kill him."

Sasuke stopped stock still.

"It's only hard the first time. Killing."

Gaara's words dripped like water and Sasuke found himself straining to catch them – like a thirsty, desperate man.

"And with practice, you can become good." Gaara continued.

No – no – Gaara's words weren't like water… Sasuke searched his mind for a more fitting comparison…

"Kill him and you'll be free."

With that said, Gaara began to walk away again. The echoing sound of footsteps returned, ringing in the halls, making Sasuke feel dizzy.

Blood… Gaara's words and voice…

They were like blood. Beautiful dripping blood.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for reading everyone! Next chapter, I'm going to start off with a scene from Sasuke and Gaara's past. So, I hope I see everyone then too. 


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: The story's skipping to different scenes. The times are explicitly or implicitly stated, so there won't be a problem with keeping track. But if anyone's confused, drop me a line and I'll state it more explicitly. I don't like writing in the word "flashback," especially when none of the characters are "flashbacking" and I'm just writing in a scene, but I mean… if it's necessary… I'm here to please after all.

Well, if you promise to tell me whatcha think…

Naruto appears to point an accusing finger at the author, "Stop being whiny for reviews!" and author sweatdrops very guiltily

Now, let's get on with Chapter 6!

Hope you enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Six_

"You really suck." Gaara told Sasuke, as they made their way toward their middle school.

Though both were only thirteen, the two boys' long legs and broad shoulders hinted at masculinity that was almost impossible at such a young age. That aura of maturity seemed to seep out of both boys especially _this_ particular morning. And it definitely didn't go unnoticed by the female population at their school who were waiting for their entrances – some holding 'Sasuke-kun Love' plankcards while others hefted 'Gaara-kun Forever' banners.

Stepping over a girl that cast herself at his feet and weaving nimbly through the fawning crowd, Sasuke raised a dark eyebrow at the redhead following him deftly through the crowd, managing to stick by his side. "How so?"

Gaara, pushing past a drooling, groping fan-girl, smirked at the Uchiha. "Your whole body was screaming 'I'm a virgin' last night."

Sasuke frowned. He opened his mouth to reply when interrupted by a girl in their class. She launched herself towards them, screaming "SASUKE-SAMA! GAARA-SAMA! I PROMISE TO BE AT THE BASKETBALL GAME TONIGHT!" Luckily for Sasuke (not at all for her), her flight was quickly smothered by other punching and biting fan girls shouting, "As if you are the only one going! Get away from Sasuke/Gaara! He's mine!"

As the fan girls 'discussed' the matter 'aggressively' – blood spraying everywhere – Gaara and Sasuke continued their conversation as if nothing out of the usual had happened. They went to the shoe lockers.

"But it _was_ my first time, Gaara." Sasuke confessed embarrassedly, pulling off his sneakers. "I thought you were a virgin too..."

Gaara smirked in a superior way, also changing out of his shoes. "Don't feel so special, Uchiha. You are not my first."

"You've done it before?" Sasuke asked, staring in amazement at his friend while stuffing his shoes in the shelf and slipping into his indoor shoes.

"Of course." Gaara answered, off-handedly, signaling his friend to wait as he pulled out a prettily wrapped package from his shoe locker and discarded it in a nearby trashcan before also putting away his outdoor shoes.

"When?" Sasuke demanded as both boys now moved towards their classrooms.

It was Gaara's turn to blush. "Er, um, l-last year…"

Sasuke stopped, waiting for the rest of the story.

Gaara paused before he continued. "Do you remember that student teacher we had?"

"Yeah. Some guys have posters of her still tacked up in their lockers." Sasuke replied flatly, conjuring a mental picture of their buxom, pretty-faced teacher.

"Do you also remember that day she asked me to stay after class?" Gaara asked, looking suggestively away.

Sasuke stared at the blushing redhead. After a moment, the dark-haired boy growled decisively,

"That's really _sick_. Must have been _some_ extra credit."

"She started it!" Gaara blurted, his face growing even redder.

Sasuke looked ahead angrily as he stalked off towards their classroom again. That whore! Didn't she know that was freakin' illegal? And to think that Sasuke had actually _enjoyed_ her _fucking _classes and actually _thought_ the bitch was goddamn _nice…_ what a traitor! And Gaara… He was a traitor as well! To think that Sasuke had thought Gaara's confidence yesterday night was just raw, superior instinct…!

"Oi. Uchiha!" Gaara called, catching up to him and trying to peer at his friend's face. The redhead winced at the darkening expression that contorted the pale features as Sasuke continued to refuse to look back at the redhead, his head filled with furious thoughts.

And why the _fuck_ did Gaara let her do it? He should have strangled the whore first before she let him touch his… his… an image of Gaara's naked form wandered into Sasuke's mind making him rivet with hot white jealousy! GARGH! But that was _his_! His naked guy! What fucking right did the bitch have to touch what was _his_?

Where was she now anyway? Sasuke wondered vehemently. Perhaps Sasuke would pay her a little visit with a forty-five and punch holes through that disgusting brain of hers that didn't understand the concept of possession and how to respect other's property…

"Oi!" Gaara said again, bring Sasuke back from his fervent ponderings.

When the dark-haired boy still did not respond, the redhead smirked. Well then, there was always another plan. Leaning up so that his lips almost brushed the back of Sasuke's white neck, Gaara whispered so that his breath traveled across the sensitive skin, "But it paid off, didn't it?"

Sasuke froze, all his senses concentrating where Gaara's hot breath glazed him.

"I was good. Huh, Uchiha?" Gaara asked, still breathing hotly on the taller boy's neck and grinned devilishly as the other boy shivered. "Since I'm your sempai, I'll give you lessons."

All the anger he'd felt for the redhead vanished into thin air (though he was still really pissed at his past student teacher) replaced by a hungry lust. Sasuke finally turned his gaze towards Gaara, who was triumphing in his success. A jealous Uchiha was damn sexy. A turned-on Uchiha was very, very damn sexy.

Sasuke glanced at a pleased Gaara and snorted. Even if he'd forgiven the redhead, he still shouldn't make this too easy for him. Sasuke still had to keep it clear who would be in charge – here and more importantly, later, in bed…

"Sempai? Don't kid me Gaara?" Sasuke jeered. "How can you be my sempai when I'm a full three centimeters taller than you?"

That hit the redhead where it hurt.

"Shut up, Uchiha." Gaara hissed.

"And you weren't _that_ good either. I even think I was better – even if it was my first." Sasuke continued. "So I don't need lessons. All I really need is…"

Sasuke met the redhead's green eyes with his dark ones.

"…practice."

Gaara grinned. Sasuke grinned back. And both boys, side by side, finally entered their classroom…

…not suspecting how a few years would harshly break their worlds apart… not knowing that their lives were doomed to collide with disastrous incidents that would shatter everything they held dear… not guessing that, in just three years time, a smile would be a rare expression to grace their features…

* * *

"If you are thinking that our little brother's reunion with his ex today didn't go very well," Kankuro began, knocking and entering his sister's single room, "I don't agree with you since they are both alive…" 

Temari, who'd been drinking a can of cold beer on the floor, looked up at her brother's entrance.

"Why aren't you asleep?" Temari snapped. "You are an athlete. Take care of your body!"

"Just like my manager's doing, huh?" Kankuro replied his older sister, not minding her angry tone. "Pass me a beer."

"You are an athlete. Take care of your body!" Temari repeated again, glaring.

"It's just one can of beer." Kankuro answered. "That has what – potency equivalent of drinking grape juice that's a week over the expiration date? Hand me a can."

Temari grumbled, but deep down glad of his company, tossed him a can. "If you get caught, you'll get disqualified from the summer games."

"You'll probably poke out any nosy administrator's eyes out before I get caught." Kankuro said, opening the can and gulping down the chilled beer. "Since I'm the starting center forward."

"Hmm." Temari agreed, staring at her younger brother and noting. "You boys grow up too fucking fast."

"Huh?" Kankuro choked, staring at his sister. "Are you getting nostalgic on me now, Temari?"

"But you do!" The blonde insisted, sipping her beer. "You are all 'the man of the house' now, Kankuro, since…" The blonde frowned darkly and Kankuro winced. After a painful silence – in which both Temari and Kankuro felt as though their intestines had become tangled – she wisely just left the sentence hanging as she continued.

"And look at Gaara! Gaara used to play so nice – albeit too 'nice' – with his little friend Sasuke-kun. And now! Now, its all about death and blood – there's not even sex! And Sasuke isn't even little anymore. What the fuck is up with that?" Temari roared.

"Er, Temari." Kankura put down his beer can. He'd just found a black plastic bag filled with twenty more so empty beer cans. "How many of cans of beer did you have?"

"Not more than two dozen. My bladder's bursting and I've been to the bathroom twice!" Temari replied, waving it off casually. Kankuro stared at her worriedly. It was very unlike Temari to get drunk…

She continued to talk, her voice getting louder with each slowly pronounced word. "I was celebrating my youngest brother discovering another _prey_! No thanks to you Sasuke-_kun_ for NOT rescuing by brother from his insanity… To think 0.000001 of me actually HOPED for that fucking miracle! I mean, a full 0.000001 of me wish for a sappy happy ending because I heard somewhere that love conquers all – even murder and blood and _death_!"

"I think maybe you got the idea from that one play by that dead English guy. Romeo and Juliet?" Kankuro guessed but quickly dismissed the thought. "Wait, both characters died at the end… Uh, never mind…"

"What a load of BULLSHIT!" Temari yelled, displaying the full anger of a woman who was sorely conned. "Love conquers NIL! Write that in your book, English guy!"

"Er…Temari…" Kankuro started, now a little scared of the eccentric behavior of his drunken older sister. So, Temari was the type that got hostile when she was drunk…figured.

"So you had all that shit with Itachi! Big deal!" Temari got to her feet, swaying. She was pointing her forefinger at a nonexistent Sasuke. "You think you've got problems, Uchiha? Huh? Well, let me tell you – you are not the only fucking idiot around here with goddamn PROBLEMS! WE HAVE OUR OWN FUCKED UP FAMILY, SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FAMILY PROBLEMS AND GO SCREW YOURSELF WITH IT! MY GOSH!"

"TEMARI!" Kankuro roared, grabbing his sister's wrists and forcing her toward the bed (not what it sounds like;;). He set her down on the mattress and said slowly, "You are drunk. You are going to sleep. You will wake up with a hangover and regret this very much. But I will tell everyone you are a little sick but you will be back to normal by tomorrow afternoon. Which you will be." He finished.

"See! You're all growed up too!" Temari's pronunciation had finally broken and she was slurring her words as she climbed under the covers. "Being so goddamn responsible. You know, innocent childhood when you don't know what a great fucking shit hole this world is way, way too fucking short!"

Kankuro couldn't help agreeing with the wisdom of his older sister's drunken words as he cleaned up the room while Temari muttered herself to sleep. He wondered if he should stay and guard the door, since it seemed as if a nosy administrator came by, Temari was not in a state to cleverly excuse herself like she normally would. And if she'd done the attacking his eyes stunt now…she'd probably miss and end up ripping his nostrils off.

Kankuro sighed as the familiar hatred of that man began to boil inside again.

* * *

Neji jammed the basketball through the hoop in a shattering slam-dunk, his black hair spreading out behind him. As the backboard and the hoop trembled from the powerful impact and Kiba let out a soft whistle at the fantastic play, the dark-haired boy jumped back to instantly glance at his watch yet _again_. 

"Neji." Shikamaru sighed. "That's the sixth time you looked at your watch in the last two minutes."

Neji didn't say anything while wondering if his watch was broken. Two minutes? It felt like two hours! Damn distorted human concept of time…

"It is 12:03." Shino spoke up, straightening up after making a smooth lay-up shot, "Two hours and fifty-seven minutes left before it is necessary to go pick Naruto up from the hospital."

Neji glowered. Then another thought popped up in his mind. Maybe it was a good idea to get a head start toward the hospital. After all, it was a fifteen-minute walk there… He wanted to make sure he didn't keep Naruto waiting for him in that empty white and freakishly depressing building… What if the little blonde got lost in the big maze of hallways? Or worse! What if he decided to wait for Neji outside the building and didn't wear a sweater! Gasp! He'd get frostbite!

The fact that it was mid-summer and scorching hot evaded the worried Hyuuga's frantic mind. Shikamaru sighed, glancing at the anxious and writhing pale-eyed boy. Deciding to let it go, he passed the basketball to Chouji, who made a clean two-point shot. His performance was promptly out shadowed by Lee, who raced out to make a spectacular three-point shot.

"YOSHI!"

He pumped his fist energetically into the air to celebrate the perfect shot. Chouji's cheeks puffed out in sudden hot feelings of rivalry. The chubby boy took an orange ball and charged to the near-center of the field. He threw the basketball powerfully. It slapped against the backboard before falling with a ching! into the hoop.

"What the?" Lee cried, as Chouji gave him a satisfied smirk. The tall, lean boy threaded on the centerline that divided the court and leapt vigorously into the air to make a basket.

Shikamaru sighed as the two boys started to furiously shoot baskets from the middle of the basketball court, avidly yelling the number of shots that made it at each other. Oooookay… he'd practice on the other side of the court then…

"Oi Shino, Kiba – let's…"

But Shino had disappeared from his side, reappearing silently in the middle of Chouji and Lee. Raising his hand to request silence – given – he made a clean shot with minimum movement. One second, the boy in sunglasses was completely still. The next second, his arms flashed and the faraway hoop was rattling as a ball passed through it. Lee and Chouji looked at him, surprised at his quick shot.

Shino's stoic expression melted for a second to form a superior smirk. "Hmph."

"Aaaaahhhhhh!" Lee and Chouji cried in outrage.

"How about this?" Lee challenged, twirling up into the air – his long frame spinning round faster and faster– "Basketball dance of YOUTH!"

From his rapidly rotating body, basketball after basketball darted out toward the basket and successively dropped through the hoop. When the last ball had fallen precisely through the hoop, Lee dropped on to one knee and flashed a nice-guy pose. "The ultimate way to practice free-throws! Yeah!"

His white teeth gave off a twinkling shine as Lee grinned proudly.

"My turn!" Chouji puffed, not wanting to be left out. Picking up a basketball, Chouji snapped one powerful arm back for a precarious second till he hurled it forth, roaring, "AKIMICHI MISSLE SHOT!"

The soaring basketball traveled the half-distance of the basketball court and neatly… snapped off the hoop from the backboard. As the metal ring crashed to the floor, Kiba rushed out to strangle his plump teammate.

"BAKABAKABAKA…!" Kiba roared, shaking Chouji back and forth, "You _broke _it! GARGH! Not another expense we have to pay for – this is the fifth hoop you broke!"

"Gee, sorry…" Chouji stuttered, smiling sheepishly – though his smile was hard to see since Kiba was still attempting to choke him.

Shikamaru sighed yet again. The Akimichi Missile Shot was unparalleled in power... Unfortunately, it was self-destructive. It had an accuracy of… Shikamaru thought back to all the times he'd seen it and quickly calculated the likely average in his head… 6.4321 Give or take a decimal point…

All this time, unmindful of the usual chaos around him, Neji was still looking at his watch.

"Neji nii-san!"

The Hyuuga finally looked up from his timepiece and Kiba instantly dropped Chouji at the sight of a dark-haired young girl enter the court with a familiar blonde.

Just great! Perfect timing for the only person that was possible of making his body aroused to appear when he was in the middle of murdering his teammate… Kiba groaned, as he looked towards the owner of the voice…

"Hinata-sama." Neji answered.

Hyuuga Hinata. And along side her was Naruto, waving at his teammates.

"Heh, heh…" The blonde laughed at his smiling friends who all were implicitly happy at their manager's unexpected early return. "It didn't take as long was expected! And Hinata gave me a ride!"

The named girl blushed, her pale features turning pink at the sound of her name escaping Naruto's lips. Kiba saw that she – glancing at a laughing Naruto pound a smug Chouji on the back asking if he'd delivered another Akimichi Missile Shot – didn't notice Neji glare at her contemptuously. Kiba was going to move between the two Hyuugas when Naruto turned to wrap his arms around the older Hyuuga's waist – unknowingly solving the problem.

"Didya miss me, Neji?"

Neji coughed, quickly detaching himself from the blonde's arms. Rubbing his cheeks to hide an uncharacteristic blush, Neji changed the subject.

"Where's your jersey, Naruto?"

"Back in the room." Naruto replied.

"Why aren't you wearing it?" Neji asked, glaring at the smaller boy's rather revealing sleeveless t-shirt with dislike.

"Aw, Ne-ji-ii!" Naruto whined. "It's real-ly hoooot!"

While Neji zipped up a protesting Naruto in Neji's own jersey jacket, Hinata turned toward the other members of the Konoha team to shyly greet them.

"Hello, Shikamaru-kun, Chouji-kun, Lee-kun, Shino-kun." Hinata smiled shyly at all five boys. "Hello, Kiba-kun."

"…uh…hey…" Kiba answered, awkwardly. The short dark-haired girl seemed so sweet in her simple white summer dress… Trying to think up something to say, he blurted. "W-Why are you here, H-Hinata?"

He didn't mean his question to be negative to the small girl – quite the contrary – who now ducked her head embarrassedly. "N…Naruto-kun said I-I could stay for a-a-a while to help him with his m-manager duties." She looked up nervously at the boys. "I-if that's o-okay, I-I'd like to…"

"Sure." Shikamaru said instantly, rescuing the shorthaired girl from her struggling, stillborn question. Of course, her staying might cause (a lot of) trouble with Neji but she obviously so wanted to help. Shikamaru glanced at Neji, who was currently distracted from the younger Hyuuga and folding up the too long sleeves for the cutely pouting blonde. Well…maybe it'd work out…

Very unlikely. Less probability of success than the Akimichi Missile Shot…

But Hinata smiled gratefully. "Thank you so much."

* * *

Author's Note: In the young Sasuke and young Gaara scene, I wanted to emphasize that the two were just boys (okay, those two could _never_ be _just_ boys, but…in the chronical sense) before the 'mysterious' incidents happened. Their present selves are more in tune with the original character in the anime, so… 

_Sakura interrupts, "Are you sure there wasn't a bigger reason?"_

_Author flinches. "L-like?"_

_Naruto smirks. "You just wanted to write a scene where Sasuke and Gaara has a lewd conversation."_

"_No, no…! What possibly gave you that idea?" Author fidgets nervously._

"_Because they stole a lot of MY screen time." Naruto barks. "I'm the main character – you keep forgetting!"_

_Author falls to her knees in tears. "I know, I know…oops…"_

Anyway, hopefully soon all the big colossal truths will be out, so please look for this fic again!

Thanks!!


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. I will not come up with an excuse since people will kill me if I do, not even faking a smile… _weeps in corner sadly at the truth of her own words_

Um, well, this chapter I rather liked after I wrote it.

_Naruto smirks, 'Why? Cos you can finally update?'_

BESIDE that, it's, well, it's a little bit different than its precedents. But I hope you enjoy! As always, if you feel like it, drop me a line. Thank you!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Seven_

"Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed, hefting the big orange water container to his shoulders. "Wouldya grab the clean towels?"

"Al-alright!" The short-black haired girl rushed toward the rack where they were carefully – but rather oddly – folded into a triangle shape instead of the conventional square. Hinata smiled fondly. Naruto-kun must have folded these himself. Gathering them in her arms, she turned towards the blonde.

"Is there anything else I can do, Naruto-kun?" The cute girl asked eagerly.

Hinata still couldn't believe that she was so close to the gorgeous blonde – so close she could see his light, long eyelashes. Her heart started to beat faster as she privately apologized in her mind…

Kami-sama, I'm sorry, but I can't help liking Naruto-kun so, so very much – though I'm nothing special at all. His eyes are so blue, his smile is so soft, his heart is so good…! Even Neji nii-san likes Naruto-kun, I can tell! Even Neji nii-san, who's usually so cold, becomes a warm person around Naruto-kun because Naruto-kun is so wonderfully nice and sweet and brave and…

"Oi! Hinata!" Naruto called. "Wake up! Let's go!"

"H-hai!" Hinata cried, flying after the blonde.

As they made their way down the hall to the gym again, Hinata glanced at the heavy load on Naruto's shoulders. Feeling extremely guilty that she was carrying light towels and Naruto was carrying the water container and several other supplies, Hinata urgently interrupted.

"N-Naruto-kun…"

But suddenly Naruto had stopped. He was staring intently out the hallway window at the outdoor basketball court below where Sand was practicing. Hinata followed his gaze and observed a frighteningly attractive redhead dribbling a ball with surprising grace. Hinata – though she didn't consider herself very good at basketball – knew enough to observe that what the redhead was doing so effortlessly required the most precise ball control.

Hinata looked back at Naruto, who seemed entranced by the redhead's movements. She felt a pang of pain as she watched the hungry look in Naruto's blue eyes. He wanted to play. He obviously wanted to play so, so very much!

Now, Hinata was angry at kami-sama. She was furious that he'd taken away the one thing her beloved blonde wanted to devote his life to. If only there were anything she could do – if there were anything in the world Hinata could do to grant Naruto's wish… she'd… she wouldn't care if she died afterwards…!

That moment, the redhead suddenly looked up. Hinata jumped as the redhead's intense gaze directly aimed at them. He'd seen them standing in the second-story window? How'd he know to look? Hinata's heart beat as the green eyes concentrated on Naruto.

And the redhead smiled. He turned to fully face Naruto, slowly mouthing some words repeatedly till his audience had no doubt what he was saying.

"For you Naruto."

With that, the redhead expertly twisted around to dribble almost ferociously to the nearest hoop. Weaving expertly through all his teammates practicing in front of it, he soared into the air to release a gentle shot that smoothly traveled round and round the hoop rims till it fell – beautifully – in. Instantly the redhead darted forward to retrieve his ball, only to move out again. He once again defied gravity as he launched into the air – his body arched to make a perfect two-point shot.

Hinata dropped the towels in her arm at the sheer magnificence of the too easily delivered, near impossible feats.

Hinata watched with an avid Naruto as the redhead performed one magical play after another, over and over again. While the redhead showed off a series of perfect shots, Hinata saw the famished look in Naruto's eyes sate – just ever so slightly – as his raw envy was little by little replaced by innocent enchantment at the simply gorgeous plays.

They must have stood that way for almost an hour, their eyes locked on the redhead's form and moves. Finally, his shirt lightly damp and clinging seductively to his body, a very slightly out of breath Gaara turned back to meet Naruto's eyes again. His lips twitched into a smile as he casually extended his fist toward the blonde – a sign of shared victory. Naruto smiled earnestly back as he extended his own fist in reply.

"Naruto! Hinata-sama!"

Hinata whirled around to see Neji, glaring angrily at them. Hinata's heart pounded – this time in fear. Neji nii-san was angry! And she felt as though they'd been caught in doing something very, very wrong…

Hinata's first instinct was to direct Neji's anger towards her to protect Naruto from any of his wrath.

"It's my fault. Sorry, I - I am sorry!" Hinata bowed her head. "I-I wanted Naruto-kun t-to explain to me some p-plays and…" Hinata wondered why she was lying. She just knew that if Neji knew what they'd really been doing, he might get even angrier and that would be dangerous…

"I was making some observations on the Sand team." Naruto spoke up, grinning at Neji. "I especially found out a lot about Gaara's plays… It's lucky I – your manager – have such good analyzing skills, Neji! We can win the Sand, no sweat now!"

Naruto laughed loudly and Hinata sighed with relief as Neji's anger seemed to alleviate slightly.

"I'll carry that for you, Naruto." Neji said to the blonde, reaching for the water container that had been set down besides Naruto while he'd watched Gaara.

"S'okay!" Naruto protested but Neji said, "You should pick up the towels…"

"Ack!" Naruto cried. He bent down to collect the towels that Hinata had dropped while Neji relieved him of the bulky water container.

"I'm sorry!" Hinata blurted. "I wasn't paying attention!"

As they were picking up the towels, Naruto's hand accidentally grabbed Hinata's. She blushed a dark red – her pale cheeks looked almost as if she suffered a heat rash.

"S…sorry." Naruto mumbled, embarrassed.

"I-It's okay." Hinata squeaked.

Neji glared angrily at Hinata's happy face but his anger, this time, didn't last upon the younger Hyuuga for very long. He instead turned to look out at the outdoor basketball field. He could make out Gaara, indifferently sipping some sports drink and being lectured – more like spoken gently too – by Temari for something. Neji's expression darkened furiously.

When Hinata stood up, she saw Neji nii-san looking out the window furiously. The small girl gulped.

It was that look…that hateful look…

Neji nii-san usually reserved that look only for her…

* * *

"That's Hinata!" Ino exclaimed, spotting a familiar girl in the distance as she jumped off the bus that'd carried the Konoha cheerleaders to the boys' dorm building. She could see the Konoha basketball team running laps. (She'd actually been looking around for the Sound – specifically Uchiha Sasuke – but they were nowhere in sight.) 

"Hinata-hime?" Ten Ten asked the younger girl, stepping off the bus with her pom-poms held at her hips.

"Yup." Ino replied, pointing at the short girl standing next to that super annoying freak (known less insultingly as Uzumaki Naruto). "_Hyuuga_ Hinata."

"Ha…" Ten Ten squinted out towards the field. "I thought girls like her Hyuuga Hinata wouldn't be at a place like this…"

"Hmm…" Ino shrugged. "Well, I heard she used to play girl's basketball in middle school and was even pretty good."

"It's surprising she got to play!" Ten Ten replied the blonde girl, her voice clearly showing her emotion. "Isn't basketball too dangerous for the too precious heir of all that great Hyuuga fortune?"

Ino could hear a tint of wryness in the older girl's voice and couldn't help sympathizing with the dark haired girl's contempt for the young Hyuuga heir. After all, it was only natural that love made a girl more emotional… Ino found that out whenever she fought with Sakura over Sasuke-kun…

Ino knew that Ten Ten had an unbelievable – and quite obvious to those who knew the pretty cheerleader – crush on the most popular boy in Konoha. Hyuuga Neji. _That_ Ino could sympathize with even more…

What was _not_ to like about the beautiful Hyuuga boy? Not only was he singly the prettiest boy Ino had ever seen – he was even prettier than Sasuke-kun (though Sasuke-kun made up for the lack of prettiness with raw, drastic and COMPLETE sexiness) – Neji was the leading genius point guard for the Konoha team. Pro teams were already scouting him, though for the last two years he'd been playing for a weak team. Sports agents even came to see Konoha's games to watch Hyuuga Neji (and Rock Lee ) play!

Not only that, Neji was in the top of his class – placing first place in the national exams last year. He was serious and collected in a way that defied that he was a high school boy and had always been – ever since middle school – more a man than a boy.

And it didn't hurt at all that he – though not the direct heir – was a Hyuuga. Hyuuga Corporation was one of Japan's oldest and leading industrial companies, selling everything from electronics to cars to household furniture. Hyuuga Neji was a modern prince and if it wasn't for sex on legs, basketball miracle Uchiha Sasuke, Ino might have liked him too.

She looked proudly at her older friend at her sensible choice… but wait! …wasn't that…

Ino frowned, checking to see if she'd seen correctly. Yup. And Ino had twenty-twenty eyesight… Well… she should tell Ten Ten before the older girl noticed on her own and hope to alleviate the pain she'd feel on finding out…

"Ten Ten nee-chan." Ino nudged the older girl, gently. Ten Ten was fixing her hair into tight twin buns again, looking at her image carefully on the side of the shiny bus. "Don't be too hurt when I tell you but…"

"Hmm?" Ten Ten asked, blinking at the blonde girl. It was unusual for Ino to be so nervous. "Is something wrong?"

"Naruto's wearing Neji's jersey."

"WHAT?" Ten Ten whirled around, one unfinished bun coming loose upon her shoulder. Naruto was jumping up and down at a clean shot that Shikamaru had made. His back to them, his slightly too big jersey distinctly displayed the name HYUUGA in bold letters upon his back.

The dark-haired girl blanched. "WHY?"

Ino winced at the older girl's totally dejected expression. The blonde looked again to see that Hinata-hime was wearing Inuzuka's jersey and noted it with particular interest. Well! Ino certainly wouldn't be left out!

Pulling out Shikamaru's jersey – which she still hadn't returned – from her sports bag, she pulled it on over her shoulders to create her 'athletic and sexy image' once again.

Ten Ten looked at the younger girl a little enviously and Ino preened despite herself.

"Who's is that?"

Ino turned around to flaunt the bold lettered name NARA on her own back. "Shikamaru's."

"Hmm…" Ten Ten frowned and looked out toward the Konoha team again. "Wait a sec, Ino-chan."

Ino watched as the older girl, one bun still not complete, stalked toward the field. Ten Ten suddenly ran forward to grab the shoulders of an unsuspecting boy with a bowl cut and start to strangle him – yelling incoherent but obviously very forceful orders.

A few minutes later, Ten Ten appeared at Ino's side again. Cutely blushing – very contradicting expression with her previous attitude – and showing off the too long sleeves of her newly acquired jersey. The older girl tilted around just enough to flash the thick black letters ROCK on the back of her jersey. Ino felt a small stir of jealousy. Rock sounded very sexy, didn't it?

She glanced out toward the field where Shikamaru was dribbling around a blocking Shino, sweat splaying off his quickly moving body and sparkling in the afternoon heat. The stirring feeling faded.

Nah… Nara was pretty sexy too…

* * *

"Shikamaru! Chouji!" 

Shikamaru looked up from wiping his sweaty face with a towel. It was after practice and Ino, wearing his jersey (grr, why was she not giving it back?) and her green and red cheerleading uniform, hurry towards him. She was proudly carrying plastic bags filled with sodas. She was followed by Ten Ten, wearing Lee's jersey (grr, she probably wouldn't give _that_ back either; what was up with women and running off with jerseys?) and her own green and red cheerleading uniform, also carrying plastic bags filled with snacks.

Shikamaru had seen Ten Ten earlier, but he hadn't seen Ino. The Konoha team captain wondered if all the Konoha cheerleaders here today?

"Have a good practice?" Ino quipped, as she sat down on the bench besides him. Chouji instantly appeared at their side to search inside the plastic bag for potato chips.

"Huh." Shikamaru grunted in reply, continuing to wipe his face with a towel.

Ino smiled at Shino, as he came to take a soda from her as well. Maybe she should have been a manger instead… She turned to see Ten Ten – her hair perfect now – approaching Neji, who was also drying off, with her refreshments. The blonde sent her friend a silent mental encouragement.

"INO! TEN TEN!"

Ino's face instantly crumpled into a scowl as Naruto rushed over towards them, followed by Hinata-hime. Why was he wrecking the atmosphere for Ten Ten?

Her thoughts were interrupted as the blonde tripped over a stray basketball and came crashing down into the dirt with a loud BANG!

"That baka!" Neji yelled, tearing away from Ten Ten, who was offering him a soda, to race to Naruto's side.

The longhaired boy knelt next to Naruto, unconsciously pushing a worried Hinata lightly to the side.

"Are you okay?" Neji demanded.

Naruto looked up at the bigger boy with sheepish blue eyes. "Heh, heh. Yeah, I just tripped…"

Though the blonde was scratching his head more embarrassedly than in pain, Neji ignored his words to examine the bloody gash on the blonde's knee.

"Shit. You are bleeding!" The Hyuuga boy scowled.

"It doesn't really hur – ack!" Naruto cried as Neji lifted the small blonde easily into his arms.

"Hinata-sama." Neji turned to the still worried girl.

"Y-yes!" Hinata replied instantly, looking at Neji with frightened eyes.

"I'm going to take Naruto to the infirmary." Neji said. "Would you wrap up the practice?"

Hinata nodded quickly and Neji ran towards the main dorm building with an objecting Naruto in his arms. Hinata dearly hoped that Naruto-kun was okay…

Ino was having quite different thoughts as she gazed back and forth from a very disappointed Ten Ten, the soda can still clutched in her hand, to a speeding Neji with Naruto's arms around his neck getting farther and farther away. This was not good turn for Ten Ten's romance. Not a good turn at all.

Stupid, _stupid_ Uzumaki Naruto… Did he just have a _thing_ for destroying romantic fantasies – like that last time?

* * *

"S-sorry, Neji." Naruto apologized to the older boy, who was cleaning his cut carefully. 

"…"

Neji didn't say anything in reply, intently staring at the blood trickling down the other boy's knee. The liquid was so sticky sweet, clinging to the smaller boy's tan and wonderfully smooth leg. It seemed so tempting…no wonder Gaara had licked the blood off Naruto's lips…

The Hyuuga blushed at his own thoughts.

Silence.

"O…oi, Naruto."

"Hnnn?" Naruto asked. He sat innocently on the infirmary bed, looking down at Neji kneeling in front of him dressing his bloody knee.

"D-do you want me to lick your wound?

…

……

………

…

…

GASP!

Naruto jerked Neji's head up, holding the older boy's plae face in his cupped hands. The blonde looked into the pale eyes in horror.

"NEJI?! ARE YOU BULIMIC TOO!"

Neji blushed darker at the sensation of Naruto's hands on his face. But Naruto interpreted his blush differently and was thus promptly freaking out.

"GARGH! YOU _CAN'T_ BECOME LIKE GAARA! GAARA BAD! GAARA BAaaaAAAD! NO GAARA! GYAH!"

At the repetition of Gaara's name, something inside Neji crumpled violently. The Hyuuga tried to bring his emotions into control. But a second consciousness was repeating stupid old cliché over and over in his mind, taunting him.

"A too strong denial is actually a strong affirmation…"

And Neji snapped.

The next thing he knew, he had pulled the hysterical blond off the bed and had trapped in his arms. The pale boy buried his head against a very surprised Naruto's shoulder. Naruto reddened in the older boy's strong embrace. Neji's hair was brushing his cheeks and he could smell Neji's shampoo, generously scenting from his long hair. It smelled like…

"Mint." Naruto found himself muttering out of the blue. He blushed at his own irrelevance and as if to excuse himself, explained, "You smell like mint, Neji."

At the blonde's voice, the older boy buried his face more closely against Naruto's warmth.

Neji whispered hoarsely, "Don't go. Naruto. Don't go anywhere."

"What are you talking about Neji?" Naruto laughed, putting a hand on the dark hair. "I'm not going anywhere…"

But Neji didn't let the small boy out of his hug. He clung to him, as if afraid that in the next moment the blonde would evaporate and disappear into thin air. Neji could hear Naruto's heartbeat quicken. Don't go away. Don't go anywhere…

The flagrance of mint lingered.

* * *

Ino had gone with Ten Ten to shop for Neji's birthday present that July. She remembered that day clearly, because they had gone through half a million magazines the day before, reading up on all the tips for giving the guy of your dreams a meaningful gift. 

"Shampoo." Ino had concluded, after a long study. "It's not too personal – like boxers would be – but it's not too impersonal – like a fountain pen – and its not too ordinary – like flowers and candy! Plus," Ino added. "Neji has really nice hair."

Ten Ten had agreed with her. They'd gone to one body shop after another after another after another… looking at one expensive brand of shampoo after another after another after another… They must have sniffed a gazillion different smells. But finally, finally! Ten Ten decided upon a mint-smelling herbal shampoo. Though it was extremely expensive, Ten Ten felt as though it was worth it. (Plus, she'd sold all the ugly clothes and gross perfume she'd been given by the stupid boys at her school on her birthday that March…)

"Mint." Ino informed her, instantly pulling out a magazine from their mass of magazines (they carried their bulk load of information everywhere) with the feature 'tell the guy you love _how_ you love him through flowers!' that explained flower names.

"Hmm… Mint means 'I want to continue to love you.'" Ino looked up from her magazine and frowned at the older girl, who turned the shampoo around in her hand thoughtfully.

"I dunno. It sounds kinda sad to me." Ino told her friend. "I mean, it's asking permission to continue to love someone… like the other person likes someone else or doesn't like that person back, but the person still loves him…"

"Sounds perfect for my case." Ten Ten replied a little forlornly, the pretty shampoo bottle clutched tightly in her hand. "Since Neji doesn't like me."

"Yet." Ino insisted, trying to cheer up the older girl who was forcing a laugh, and Ten Ten made her purchase.

Mint means "I want to continue to love you"…

* * *

Author's Note: Now I can really get the story started… 

_Naruto and Sakura roars, "So what have you been doing till now?"_

_Author fidgets. "Er... typing practice? Ha... ha... hur..."_

Well, I hope to see you in the next exciting chapter (self advertisement is not a pretty thing). Hopefully, I can get the whole story moving even faster then. Thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Okay! Finally! Author is posting some revealed past.

_Thunderous applause._

_Author bows happily, "Thank ye, thank ye!"_

_Naruto appears to switch off the tape and the clapping sounds instantly stop._

_"STOP BOTHERING PEOPLE AND LET THEM READ!"_

So…um…without further ado, chapter eight!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Eight_

In the middle of the night, Naruto opened his eyes. Slowly, slowly, he sat up on his mat. He glanced to his side where Neji slept soundly on his mat next to Naruto's. Neji had acted really strange today… Naruto wondered if something was wrong. The blonde laid a hand on the Hyuuga boy's head and stroked his hair lightly – being very careful not to wake him. Neji's lips curved into a faint smile and Naruto smiled back at the sleeping boy.

I'm sorry, Neji… I always make you worry, huh? I'm really sorry.

Naruto felt the irony of his words as he got up from his mat. If Neji found out about this, he'd worry again. But… but Naruto had to go… If he didn't, if he didn't go now, Naruto felt that he'd die with longing – nothing left of him except a soulless body.

Naruto had to go search for his soul…

Quickly and quietly, Naruto crept out of his room and ran silently down the hallway. The moonlight seemed to ask him questions, bouncing off the blonde's golden locks and light brown skin. Naruto didn't reply.

Soon, he was out of the dorm building but still running. His feet quickened to match his heartbeat, pounding loudly in the excitement. The blonde darted across the outdoor basketball field, not knowing that his actions were being closely watched by three pairs of eyes…

* * *

Hinata had been watching the moon – it was a full moon that night – and making the same wish – the only wish – she'd had ever since she'd learned the truth about Naruto's condition. Kami-sama, please, please let Naruto-kun be able to play basketball again. Kami-sama, please, please let Naruto-kun be able to play basketball again… 

And – as she repeated her wish over and over – Naruto-kun ran past her window as if her silent words had somehow summoned him. Hinata's eyes grew wide as Naruto-kun ran from the dorm building. Where was he going? It was so late at night! Was…was Naruto-kun going away?

Hinata instantly repented her last thought, angry that she'd had it. Of course Naruto-kun wasn't going away! He would never run away! He wasn't someone like that! The fear cleanly evaporated from the small girl's mind.

But, even if Naruto-kun wasn't going away, Hinata couldn't help worrying about him. Quickly pulling on her jersey that Kiba-kun had lent her, the short, dark-haired girl hurried out of her single room to trail Naruto-kun.

When Hinata came out of the dorm building, she was a little surprised at the light chilliness of the night air contrasting so much with the hot day. That fact instantly linked itself with the other fact that Naruto-kun had only been wearing a t-shirt. Hinata looked around worriedly for Naruto-kun and was relieved to find his form again easily, disappearing into the main gym. She swiftly followed.

Hinata entered the gym quietly – Naruto-kun had left it open behind him – and instantly stopped, standing in the shadows so that she wouldn't disturb Naruto-kun. Because, that moment, Naruto-kun was standing in the middle of the basketball court – the hungry look in his eyes unconcealed and so, so very powerful that Hyuuga had to hold back a sad sob that threatened to escape her contracting throat.

* * *

Naruto looked around at the moonlit basketball court. He computed his distance from each basket almost expertly and was relieved when the calculations still came naturally – instinctively – to him. He moved his legs slightly, feeling the familiar firmness of the court floor below his feet. He even remembered the sound of his sneakers against the slick court floor. It was all still the same. The basketball court was still the same…only Naruto had changed. 

Naruto looked around at the moonlit basketball court. Naruto looked around the lonely burial ground of his soul before moving to the sidelines, having spotted a basketball under a bench. Picking it up, the blonde held the ball firmly between his hands. His palms sensed every bump of the orange ball as he turned it masterfully in his hands. The touch was so real – this feeling was so alive! The only thing that made him feel alive…

…because, because till now, till he was _here_, Naruto had been dead…

Naruto looked out at the glossy floor of the basketball court, shining in the moonlight. He squeezed the basketball in his palms. And his heart pounded…

Thump. Thump. Thump.

…like the sound of a basketball being dribbled against a wooden court floor…

Thump. Thump. Thump.

And Naruto would so willingly trade the first sound for the second!

It was as if kami-sama was daring him to try. The setting was perfect. The beautiful, moonlit court. The fated basketball – left behind just for him – in his hands. And no one was watching. No one would ever know if Naruto shot some hoops – just a few hoops – just three! No, no, two… One! One! Naruto would just shoot one single glorious shot…

But his feet didn't budge toward the hoop as his own voice thundered in his head.

"I promise I'll never play basketball again…"

Naruto screamed, clutching his head to drown the power of his own conjured words as memories of that day flooded back. The white hospital walls… Tsunade's apologetic smile… all his friends – finally people who cared! – watching… his heartbeat being measured by a inhumanely beeping machine… Iruka-sensei's lips moving… Jiraya's shake of the head… the tears falling down Neji's face… all those eyes, pleading, pleading, pleading…

And finally, his own voice ending everything with those words.

"I promise I'll never play basketball again."

Naruto stopped yelling to hear the bouncing sound of the basketball he'd dropped.

Thump. Thump. Thump…

The noise faded as the ball stopped bouncing and rolled away…

* * *

Tears flowing freely down her face, Hinata watched Naruto-kun dart frantically forward to retrieve the basketball. He easily scooped it into his arms and held it to his chest like one would hold a child. Hinata covered her mouth with her hand to stop the sounds of her crying as the blonde sat down forlornly on the bench and stared with empty eyes out on to the basketball court. 

But…Naruto-kun… Hinata begged him – apologized for what was unforgivable to him – her body wrecked with guilt as she thought how she herself was – though a very small part – one of the reasons Naruto-kun had stopped playing basketball… Naruto-kun, I couldn't lie to you that day… I can't lie to you even now… I want you to play basketball so, so much – but I can't let you – not in this state… Naruto-kun, sorry, sorry, I am so sorry...

Hinata remembered the day in the hospital. She remembered Naruto-kun's small form, looking even smaller in the great big bed. His face was pale as he looked out at everyone – deathly silent – in the room. His eyes met the eyes of every single person there as he searched their faces for his answer. She remembered how Naruto-kun's impossibly beautiful blue eyes had found hers – how he'd asked, begged, pleaded – and how Hinata couldn't – she just couldn't! – let him do it… she couldn't ask him to die. Instead, she told him with her eyes – her own eyes – she told her beloved – like everyone else did in the room – to give up his soul…

So Naruto-kun had opened his mouth – smiling lightly – to firmly utter the saddest words Hinata had ever heard.

"I promise I'll never play basketball again."

Hinata stood in the dark, crying endlessly and watching Naruto-kun drift off to sleep with the basketball hugged tightly in his arms. Long minutes ticked by. Naruto-kun didn't budge.

Hinata slowly crept forward, not bothering to wipe her tears. The wet drops fell from her cheeks and trailed her footsteps. She approach the sleeping boy and her heart ripped when she noticed the peaceful look on those pretty features, resting upon the orange ball.

I hope you dream, Naruto-kun. I hope in your dream you can play basketball without any hindrances…

The small girl accidentally let out a broken sob. She bit down on her lip instantly, choking back another, as she quickly stripped out of her jersey.

"Naruto-kun." She whispered – almost inaudibly – "It's cold, Naruto-kun. It's very cold."

With soft fingers, the dark haired girl delicately pulled the ball from the sleeping boy's arms and laid the blond on the bench after dressing him in the jersey. Hinata wondered if she should stay by his side, just in case… She wanted to very much.

But she wouldn't. She wouldn't disturb Naruto-kun's private and too temporarily stay in his basketball haven… So with a last sad look on her beloved's peaceful features, Hinata wished the blonde a sincere good night and left the gym…

* * *

Sasuke watched the girl leave through the door she'd come in. It was a good thing they'd not come in by the same doors. Leaving the shadows that'd veiled him only when he knew the crying girl had gone quite a distance away; the dark-haired boy approached the reclining form of the blonde. 

Sasuke looked upon Uzumaki Naruto's sleeping face…

He'd seen clearly how the blonde had looked around at the basketball court. He'd interpreted perfectly the meaning of the blonde's lost, frightened scream. Because Sasuke himself screamed in that way before, Sasuke had screamed like that when he saw with his own eyes what Itachi had done…

And so, Sasuke knew. Sasuke knew the terror that the little blonde felt.

Sasuke smiled wryly down at Naruto's angelic features.

The usuratonkachi didn't look like the type at all – didn't look like he'd know – should know –even a sliver of that terror… the terror of his world crashing down around him. Looking at the blonde dobe, so innocent in his sleep, Sasuke felt…

…felt that Naruto would understand Sasuke…

"You are going to catch a cold," Sasuke whispered to the sleeping blond, "usuratonkachi."

The blonde stirred but didn't wake.

Sasuke stripped out of his jacket and rolled it up. Lifting the blonde's head gently, Sasuke pillowed Naruto's head with his jersey. The blonde's golden hair felt soft against the bigger boy's large hands; the color of his hair – almost transparent gold in the moonlight – seemed even paler somehow than the Uchiha's ivory skin.

"Uzumaki Naruto." Gaara spoke up. The redhead appeared abruptly behind Sasuke. "Uzumaki Naruto can't play basketball."

"Seems like it." Sasuke replied, not even surprised at the redhead's approach.

Gaara noticed that the Uchiha's dark eyes did not wander from the blonde's sleeping face to look at him. Nodding, Gaara too stripped out of his jersey and spread it to blanket Naruto's body. Both pale boys continued to gaze at the sleeping blonde, thinking very similar thoughts…

…till one of them leaned down to kiss the blonde's soft lips…

* * *

"Hey!" 

Naruto fluttered open his eyes and squinted into the bright morning light.

"Wake up, Naruto!" Ino snapped at the sleeping blonde. Ten Ten and she had discovered the little runt that morning when they had come to the gym early to practice. (The Konoha cheerleading team was going to be staying several days at the training camp to cheer on the Konoha boys' basketball team.)

Naruto rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He'd just had a weird-ass dream of kissing… of kissing… Naruto groaned.

That was one hell of a twisted, freaky – and really realistic – nightmare… Naruto shuddered at the memory and wiped his lips, muttering as he sat up. A Sand jersey – nameless – slid off his chest and fell into his lap.

"Huh?" Naruto frowned, wondering how it'd got here. He took the jersey up close to his face to examine and inhaled a scent that he surprisingly recognized… this jersey smelled like… like… Naruto frowned. But there wasn't possibly a way that Naruto would have _his_ jersey… was there?

And what was this? Naruto was _wearing_ Kiba's jersey! Naruto gaped at the long sleeves that covered his hands. He didn't remember putting on Kiba's jersey at all! But then, Naruto relented, he didn't remember falling asleep either…

Ino glowered at the blonde dobe looking around in shock at his jersey collection. Was he flaunting how popular he was? Yesterday he had Hyuuga Neji's jersey and today he had Inuzuka Kiba's jersey – that he'd initially given Hinata-hime, that player – and a Sand jersey… Oh? Ino arched her eyebrow critically. So the blonde was popular with other teams too, was that it? And was he using another jersey for a goddamn pillow?

Ten Ten curiously picked the black and purple jersey up from the bench. Obviously, it belonged to a player from the Sound.

"Who's is this?" Ten Ten wondered out loud, shaking out the jersey.

The jacket in her hand unrolled to reveal the name – boldly for the whole world to see – UCHIHA.

Ten Ten screamed, not believing that she – in her hands right that very moment – was holding the great Uchiha Sasuke's jersey.

Ino screamed, promptly fainting in shock (at the fact that Sasuke-kun had given the blonde freak his jersey).

Naruto screamed, crying out, "I'm NOT a goddamn _lost and found_! Do I look like a fucking coat rack? Why's everyone giving _me_ his stupid jersey? I have my own goddamn jersey – thank you very much! Do I LOOK like the lost and found person?"

It was Ten Ten's turn to collapse – on top of Ino's fallen form – at the completely irrelevant (so much that it was scary) outburst from the blonde dobe (and at the fact that Neji had chosen a total idiot over her).

* * *

"Shh!" Ino hissed at Ten Ten. 

Ten Ten couldn't believe that she'd let the blonde talk her into this. Okay, so she hadn't exactly been talked into it… Ten Ten herself was curious what the blonde's relationship with all these boys were… but this…

Ten Ten and Ino were crouched inside a leafy shrub. They had trailed Naruto – who'd left the gym screaming "FINE! I will BE the goddamn LOST AND FOUND person!" He'd first headed to where his team was getting ready to start early morning practices.

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata cried, relieved at the sight of the blonde who seemed all right.

"Where have you been Naruto?" Shikamaru called.

"Neji's been worried sick…" Kiba snickered. Ten Ten flinched as the Neji shot Kiba a death glare but adorably turned a light pink, also relieved that the blonde was back.

"Here's your freakin' jersey!" Naruto yelled in response, approaching Kiba to hurl the Konoha jersey over Kiba's head.

"Huh?" Kiba pulled the jersey off his head in confusion. "Why do you have this, Naruto?"

"Because I'm the lost and found person!" Naruto replied angrily, shaking the other two jerseys in his hand furiously before stalking off to where the Sound was practicing.

The Konoha team and Hinata blinked after him.

"Did he just say he was a lost person?" Lee frowned, wondering if Naruto also had read the adventures of Peter Pan (such a classic of youth!) like he had…

"He _looks_ lost." Kiba answered, staring at his jersey.

Shikamaru groaned, watching a yelling Naruto interrupt the Sound's practice. That blonde dobe was so troublesome…

He glanced off the field and frowned when he saw the strange sight of two Konoha cheerleaders darting out of a bush. Shikamaru recognized Ino's voice as she ordered, "Move to the next bush!"

And then Ten Ten's voice reply, "I'm on it!"

Today was a very strange, very troublesome day…

* * *

"What do you want?" Tayuya glowered as the blonde Konoha manager approached her. "I already consented to your team using the field first for two hours and I won't give you three…" The Sound manager added menacingly, but inwardly hoping that the blonde runt wouldn't want to spar about the matter like last time… 

"I want to talk to Uchiha Sasuke." Naruto replied.

"Is that a joke?" Tayuya blinked. Sure, Sasuke was really popular – he even had a lot of guy fans – but most of them knew to stay clear of Tayuya and hope to jump the Uchiha boy himself when he was least suspecting it.

At that moment, Sasuke spotted Naruto with his jersey in his hand, and casually walked over.

"What do you want, usuratonkachi?"

Tayuya blinked again. Sasuke – Uchiha Sasuke – was willing to talk to someone who was not on the basketball team about what did not surely promise to be a basketball topic?

"Is _that_ a joke?" The confused Sound manager asked.

Naruto met the stoic boy's dark eyes and said, with a very small hint of pride now, "What does it look like? I'm the lost and found person!"

Sasuke frowned and repeated, "The lost and found person?"

"Yes. You – " Naruto poked the Uchiha's chest. "Lost your jersey. And I – " Naruto jerked his thumb at his puffed out chest. "Found it."

"…" Sasuke was at a loss for words as the little blonde pushed his jersey into his hands and leaned up to pat his cheek as if the bigger boy was a small child.

"Don't worry about your inferiority, Uchiha." Naruto soothed. "That's why superior people like me exist to protect you!"

"What the – " Sasuke jerked away, his usually cool exterior shattering on hearing the blonde's delusional words. "Wait? What! Did you just accuse _me_ of being inferior to _you_?"

"Of course." Naruto smiled proudly. "What else explains your being incapable of even hanging on to your precious possessions while I'm the invincible lost and found person?"

"You are not the invincible lost and found person!" Sasuke bleated, wondering how in the world the blonde could be so stupid.

"Then explain," Naruto replied, ready to enjoy delivering his cold, smooth logic, "why _I_ had _your_ jersey."

"BECAUSE LAST NIGHT I – " Sasuke roared and stopped when he realized that the whole Sound team was listening to their conversation.

"What happened last night?" Kidoumaru called out, eagerly.

"Shut up!" Sasuke hissed, slightly embarrassed. "Get back to practice!"

At his dangerous tone, the Sound team quickly pretended to obey while still keeping both ears on the conversation. Grr… stupid, stupid usuratonkachi…

Lowering his voice, Sasuke glared at the blonde and said again, "You are NOT the goddamn lost and found person, usuratonkachi!" He continued, his voice strained, "And the reason you have my jersey is a goddamn coincidence!"

The Uchiha didn't pay attention to the fact that the reason he'd given did not make sense at all.

"Uh huh. Whatever you say, Uchiha." Naruto replied, generously. "Ganbare!"

Naruto thumped a stunned Sasuke on the back while saying, "Inferior people like you have to work hard if you want to ever catch up with superior people like me."

With that said, Naruto turned around to skip off toward the other gym where the Sand was practicing.

"Wait!" Sasuke yelled, running after the fleeing blonde. "I didn't say you could go dobe!"

* * *

Ten Ten patted a sobbing Ino on the back. 

"S'okay, Ino-chan." The older girl soothed. "It doesn't look like they have an _affectionate_ relationship..."

From their spot under the bush, Ten Ten could see that the tall Uchiha boy had caught up with the blonde and two were now engaged in a vigorous spat.

"Never mind that Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto are the perfect height for each other. Never mind that they look really good together with the whole sexy boy and beautiful girl combo working for them. Never mind that Sasuke usually doesn't say in a whole month half as much he's saying to Naruto right now." Ten Ten continued, finishing off with, "And never mind that Naruto's the only person I've ever seen that's actually getting some emotion out of the stoic Uchiha."

"Ten Ten nee-chan." Ino wept pitifully.

"Hmm?" Ten Ten asked gently, smiling kindly at the younger girl.

"Shut up, please."

"Oh, um…sorry…" Ten Ten replied sheepishly.

At that moment, an angry Naruto kicked Sasuke's knee hard and – after hitting his hip mockingly – ran off. Sasuke limped after him, furiously hissing death threats.

"Now they are playing CATCH!" Ino wailed.

* * *

Author's Note: Leave me a review and tell me what you think or send me an e-mail (luv all e-mails save spams)! I hope you enjoyed. Then, till next time! 


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: I guess I shouldn't be saying this, but poor Naruto-kun! I really felt bad writing that last chapter.

_Sakura glares at author, "You say that as if someone else wrote it!"_

I know. I know. Weep, weep.

Ah, and people continue to ask me about pairings but… let's just wait and see, eh?

_This time, Naruto glares at author, "You are just saying that because you don't even know how this fic writes itself and you just like to write about me being screwed by various guys!"_

"_Na-Naruto-kun…hush…"_

ANYway, on to chapter nine!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Nine_

Gaara looked up to see Naruto watching him from the sidelines. He'd noticed the blonde every since he'd appeared on the field grounds to approach Temari and ask who the owner of the jersey was. Having been told it was Gaara's by his older (and very curious) sister, the small blonde boy now stood waiting for him, clutching his jersey tightly in his hand. Gaara smirked at the evident nervousness of the little boy.

On making eye contact, Naruto called out, "Hey! Bulimic guy! I found your jersey!"

The members of the Sand team froze to stare at the blonde but Gaara deliberately looked away.

"It's _him_." Komoha leered.

"Gah - ! But Temari is watching!" Nejiri complained.

"How dare he talk to the great Gaara-sama in that manner?" Yuki gasped, looking sideways at Gaara and hoping the redhead would catch his respectful tone.

"And why is he still standing afterwards?" Hitoshi wondered.

"GET BACK TO PRACTICE!" Kankuro yelled. "Or you'll be sitting on the bench all season!"

All the members of the Sand team obeyed – save Gaara who peeled away from his teammates. Kankuro was gathering courage to say something to his younger brother when Temari signaled him to stop. She wanted to see the reason Naruto had Gaara's jersey.

Naruto waved the jersey above his head. "Oi! Gaara! Take back your jersey!"

Gaara paused, looking back at the blonde with amused green eyes, but turned to wander off the field in the opposite direction from where Naruto stood.

"GA-A-RA!" Naruto yelled.

The redhead paused again, looking back at the blonde with the same smirking eyes, and continued to walk.

"Gaara!" Naruto rushed after the Sand basketball player, the gold and black jersey waving in the wind behind him.

Temari nodded to Kankuro to take over as she – unknowing followed by two creepers in the bush – chased after the boys.

Naruto panted, his hands on his knees. He'd chased Gaara all the way to the far off second gym. The redhead somehow moved really fast – even though he didn't seem like he was running. Naruto angrily wondered why he'd not just dropped the stupid jersey on the bench for Gaara to find later. Why had he planned to give it to him in person, anyway? Grr…

And _where_ was Gaara now?

Naruto went around the side of the building till he was in the back of the second gym – his view of the field now completely blocked off. And there stood Gaara, leaning against the building and looking as strikingly powerful and compellingly gorgeous as any god…

Suddenly, Naruto felt nervous. His heart was beating in a distorted rhythm and his hands began to sweat profusely. Swallowing and finding his throat parched, Naruto willed himself to speak.

"I, um, found your jersey." The blonde's heart skipped a beat as he approached the redhead to push the jacket forward.

Gaara nodded and the corners of his lips lifted slightly. In reaction to the barely visible action, Naruto's body went crazy.

The blonde's mind screamed. Why the HECK was he SMILING at him? Smiling like _that_ at him? With those kind of eyes! And kami – why the hell did he have green eyes, huh? Cos the green eye thing – in combination with that smile – was making Naruto feel… making Naruto feel…

…not like how he was suppose ta feel at all…

Gaara reached over and instead of taking the jersey from the blonde's hands, took Naruto by the wrist to pull him closer.

Naruto realized in horror that he was getting closer and closer to that smile. GAH! What the _fuck_ was happening? Pull away! C'mon, body, get with the program! Pull away! RUN DAMNIT!

And his body, in reply to the frantic orders from his head, gave a very curt reply.

Nope.

GAAAAAHHHHHH!

Gaara was still gently pulling Naruto's body forth and turning him slightly so that it was the blonde who's back was now to the wall. Naruto's heart stopped functioning all together as he found himself pinned between the redhead's arms and the wall and looking up at those green eyes…

And it was then that Naruto's mind decided to replay his weird-ass dream. The one of Gaara leaning down to kiss him in the dead of the night. The one where Gaara's smooth lips pushed against Naruto's own to send through the blonde's small body one of the most outrageous sensations he'd ever felt. The one where Naruto had definitely pressed back…

Naruto jerked his free hand holding the jersey between Gaara's face and his.

"Here!" Naruto quipped into the cloth that now obstructed his view of Gaara.

Seconds of silence ticked by till Gaara plucked his jersey from the smaller boy's hand, releasing Naruto from his confinement. Naruto heaved a sigh of relief. His feeling right now was definitely relieved. Relieved. Right. Relieved.

"Don't lose it again." Naruto warily told Gaara, now trying to get his heart to go at normal speed.

Gaara stared blankly at Naruto – almost as if he didn't recognize the blonde at all for a moment – then said briskly, "I never lost it. I gave it to you."

"Wh-what?" Naruto asked, his eyes growing wide. He must have heard the redhead wrong. For a second, he thought he'd heard Gaara say that he'd given him his jersey.

"Don't you want it?" Gaara taunted.

Taken aback, Naruto cried, "Why would I want you – "

Naruto had meant to say 'Why would I want your jersey?' but Gaara suddenly slammed his fist against the gymnasium wall and drowned out the last of Naruto's words. Gaara raised his eyebrow, almost challenging the little blonde to answer his own inquiry as Naruto's unfinished question lingered in the hot summer air.

"Why would I want you?"

It was actually a very, very good, significant question for the dobe. Why would Naruto want Gaara? Why _did_ Naruto want Gaara?

Because Naruto realized with a shock, that was exactly what he did – he felt so strange _because_ he did! Because, for some obscure unknown reason…

…Naruto really wanted Gaara…

* * *

Ino looked at Ten Ten with huge eyes. 

Ten Ten looked at Ino with huge eyes.

_Did you just see that?_

Ino and Ten Ten nodded simultaneously.

Well, it was very unlikely that both girls' visions were impaired… And if both their sights were okay; then those two boys, those two _boys_, had really just almost _kissed_…

Uzumaki Naruto ran away from the redhead, passing the bush where the two cheerleaders were hiding. Ino saw that the redhead (correction: the incredibly hot, unbelievably sexy and desperately gorgeous redhead) was now being accosted by the Sand's blonde manager. She nudged Ten Ten and both girls wiggled silently out from under the bush to make their getaway. They ran off and quickly hid in another abandoned bush far enough away where they could talk without being heard.

"Kami! That redhead gives me the _shivers_!" Ten Ten shuddered excitedly. "Really _good_ shivers. He's so sexy."

Ino nodded in avid agreement. "I'd beg him to rip me apart if I wasn't in love with Sasuke-kun."

"Lucky sonuvabitch." Ten Ten spat instantly and Ino knew right away that the older girl was talking about Uzumaki Naruto.

The blonde girl poked the dark-haired girl. "But nee-chan! This is just perfect!"

"What's perfect?" Ten Ten glowered bitterly. "It looks like Neji, Sasuke and Gaara all like _Naruto _– not _us_. The only one who doesn't seem to like Naruto in that way is Kiba. Although that might also change if we hang around a little longer…"

"No, no!" Ino cried, furiously shaking her head. "Don't you see!"

"Do I see that we'll probably be under a bush while Naruto will get to be under three of the hottest guys alive?" Ten Ten hissed. She promptly answered her own question quite nastily, "Yes, I see that _too_ clearly. Do you want to bring the video recorder or shall I?"

"I will." Ino replied and stopped.

"No! No! That's not what I was getting at! Nee-chan!"

"What?!" Ten Ten exclaimed in equal frustration, coping with her own shattered love fantasies and her whining younger friend at the same time.

"Naruto obviously likes Gaara!" Ino cried.

"Wouldn't _you_ like Gaara?" Ten Ten snapped. "I'd probably nosebleed if he looked at _me_ like that."

"Of course I'd like Gaara." Ino snapped back. "I'd probably drown in my own nosebleed if he looked at me like that."

Ten Ten looked at her with a very annoyed 'and so, what's your point?' look.

Ino slapped her head for getting so easily sidetracked. "Look, nee-chan! If we support Gaara and Naruto getting together, that would leave Neji and Sasuke-kun without a pairing! And _that_'s where we come in!"

Ten Ten frowned darkly. "Okay, let me get this straight. _You_ want _us_ to become maniac GaaNaru fans…"

Ino bobbed her head up and down and the older girl skeptically continued.

"Because you think GaaNaru somehow equates out to NejiTenTen and SasuIno?"

Ino nodded eagerly, glad that Ten Ten finally understood.

"I don't think so Ino-chan." Ten Ten replied curtly as she crawled out from under the bush.

"Why not?" Ino asked, crestfallen that her friend had failed to agree with her perfect logic.

Ten Ten helped the younger girl out from under the bush. Suddenly conjuring up a blackboard, a case of chalk and a pointer out of nowhere, Ten Ten pulled Ino down on to a desk (also magically conjured) to give a quick lesson in computations.

"Ino-chan. I'm much better at math than you are because I can do the basics." The dark haired girl explained to the younger. "And this…"

Ten Ten furiously scribbled on the blackboard:

GaaNaru equals NejiTenTen equals SasuIno

She slapped her pointer against the equation so hard that her blonde student jumped.

"And _this_! I don't even know _what_ this is! It's, like, so obviously wrong!"

"But Ten Ten nee-chan…" Ino tried to interrupt.

"In fact!" Ten Ten continued, scribbling 'GaaNaru' on the board again. "If we make this happen." She circled 'GaaNaru' furiously. "It'd more likely lead to this." Ten Ten wrote a new equation up on the board:

GaaNaru equals turned on Sasuke equals SasuNaru equals turned on Neji equals NejiNaru

"Which may ultimately equal…" Ten Ten roared as she jot down in huge, block letters:

GAASASUNEJINARU.

And underlined the word several hundred times hysterically.

Ino swallowed as her teacher then kicked over the blackboard and stomped on it till it became dust; splintered all her chalk; and broke her pointer to hurl it into the bush.

"Ten Ten nee-chan!" Ino quickly stood up from her desk. "Calm down!"

"No! I will _not_ calm down!" Ten Ten shrieked uncharacteristically. "I'll go down to where the Konoha team is right this very moment and…"

"…beat up Naruto?" Ino asked hopefully.

"…sob hysterically in Lee's arms. He'll comfort me!"

"Nee-chan, I promise this will work!" Ino tried to persuade the now bawling older girl.

"And I got a goddamn hundred point average in all my math classes all my fucking life for all the good it ever did me!" Ten Ten shrilled. "So get Sakura or someone else to join the GaaNaru fan club with you!"

With that, Ten Ten ran off sobbing. Ino watched her get farther away and sighed. Love really was a complicated thing – you really needed to just go with the crazy plans to win at the game of love… It must be tough for a pragmatist like Ten Ten to be in love…

Don't worry, panic-stricken, out-of-control, pessimistic nee-chan! I'll prove your calculations incorrect and break your hundred point average in math!

Ino gripped her fist tightly in determination.

You can bet on it!

* * *

"Gaara." 

The redhead looked up to see his blonde sister, approaching him cautiously and stopping with a good meter in between them. Her fear was evident.

"What?" Gaara asked, the smile gone from his face without a trace as he glanced at his sister without concern.

Temari bit her lip, a little frightened at her brother's cold tone. But, because it was important, Temari repressed her fears and asked, slowly and deliberately choosing her words, "Are you going to kill Uzumaki Naruto?"

Gaara didn't reply Temari's trembling question.

"Gaara!" Temari blurted out, knowing that it was very dangerous but still insistent. "Do you love Naruto?"

Gaara met her eye directly and said emotionlessly.

"No."

Temari sucked in her breath sharply. No, but she had worded her inquiry wrong. Gaara loved only himself – not anyone else. Swallowing, Temari choked out, "But you like Naruto, right?"

Gaara seemed to be a little irritated by her questions now. However, to that, he answered. "I don't like repeating myself, Temari."

That was a yes! Gaara had just confirmed that he'd answered truthfully to Uchiha Sasuke's question… Temari knew that the scope of the word 'like' for Gaara was limited to his 'interest' but still… that alone was impressive. The little blonde had managed to catch Gaara's interest…

Temari found 0.000001 of herself grasping on to a sliver of hope again.

"Gaara!"

Gaara's eyes flashed that Temari dared question him again and Temari backed a little away in fear, stuttering, "Sorry, Gaara, but... but..."

Temari called upon all the courage that she had left in her body after such a long confrontation with Gaara and – a little faint headed – asked her last question – the most important question –

"Are you going to kill Uzumaki Naruto?"

Gaara closed his eyes, thinking for a moment. The redhead's pale face was decorated with black make-up rimming his eyes and a red tattooed 'ai' upon his otherwise unmarked forehead. This beautiful boy was her little brother – and the god of death at the same time…

Gaara opened his lime green eyes and replied.

"Probably."

With that, he turned and left to return to practice. Temari – all the strength gone from her body – sank to her knees in quaking fear. Gaara's words repeated over and over in her white mind.

He'd said 'probably'… He'd said 'probably'…

Temari allowed herself a relieved smile as glad tears fell down her cheeks. Maybe it was okay to let that 0.000001 of her hope again. Maybe it was all right for her to believe that the little blonde might succeed where Uchiha Sasuke had failed – maybe Uzumaki Naruto could rescue Gaara and make him truly her little brother – and not the god of death – again.

Because Gaara had said 'probably' – not 'yes'.

And that, Temari wept, that was a miracle in itself.

* * *

Author's Note: As always, thanks so much for reading! And leave a review if you want to have any input on the outcome of pairings or plot! I'm ultimately aiming to please my favorite reviewers (despite what some people may think) afterall... 

Thnx!


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: Ugh! It took me forever to write this chapter! I'm still not altogether that pleased with it and even thought of taking it out of the –

_Sasuke appears out of nowhere to hold the author at kunai point._

"_Oi." He mutters dangerously. "You wrote all that NejiNaru shit and GaaNaru crap fine and you want to take out this rare SasuNaru scene?"_

_Author blanches and rapidly shakes her head._

_Sasuke smirks. "Good…"_

…but! But despite all this, I recognize how significant this chapter is in adding a much needed spice of SasuNaru (notice how I say SasuNaru and not NaruSasu – Naruto topping doesn't really work for me, especially in this fic which has its main point in that Naruto is an uke) into the fic so…um, yeah… here goes…hahaha.

Hope you like it!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Ten_

"SASUKE-KUN!" A girl's excited scream broke the morning air.

Sasuke's body stiffened and the dark haired boy turned warily around to see an impressive horde of fan girls completely surrounding – like wolves or lioness on the hunt – the field where the Sound was practicing. His teammates groaned loudly. They were grateful for the Uchiha's basketball skills. They felt very differently about his dammed good looks.

"I _wondered_ where they all were these days." Tayuya growled, signaling the pre-analyzed (specifically for this purpose) escape routes to Sasuke in a pre-created sign language (also created specifically for this purpose).

"_Run_." An amused Kidoumaru laughed, nudging a very annoyed Sasuke.

The Uchiha – a vein on his forehead pulsing in infuriation – took a running start and leapt over the heads of the least dense part of the closing in circle of girls. Clearing their heads – and making some of them swoon and faint (two birds with one stone move) – Sasuke speeded away followed by shrieking herd of stampeding fangirls.

"Sasuke-kun! STOP!"

"Wait for me, Uchiha-sama!"

"LET ME HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!"

"I think you are the hottest boy ever!"

Jumping over some hedges (the same ones Ten Ten and Ino had hid beneath the day prior) Sasuke flashed into the dorm building – escape route A. Dammit! Girls were swarming and blocking the entrance and at the sight of him, they squealed loudly (the sound was almost threatening to the aggravated Uchiha's ears).

Sasuke turned on his heels and ran out towards the second gym. He'd hide in the storage room – escape route B! But as Sasuke neared the building, he saw another small horde of a hundred something girls come out of the gym with flashing cameras. SHIT!

Okay – escape route C!

Blocked out by his middle-age fans…fuck!

To escape route D –

Complete overrun by barely clothed girls promising him their virginity – GAAHHH!

ESCAPE ROUTE E – head for the tall trees and live like a squirrel till the girls went away or cut the trees down with big-ass axes!

Sasuke realized that he did not like escape route E at all, he was now being pursued by an army of rabid women and he was basically cornered. The Uchiha decided to drop all escape plans and go straight with emergency plan X – punch them all out (though that would fucking take all day)! As the Uchiha was preparing to slug out the nearest lovey-dovey fan girl, a thunderous voice rose over the silence.

"SUKE-CHAN!"

The Uchiha almost tripped onto his face at the sheer volume of the voice (and the fact that the idiot had called him – shudder – Suke-chan). A small blonde – the obvious owner of the tremendously shrilly voice – pushed out from the crowd and padded girlishly over to the stunned dark-haired boy.

Sasuke looked down – his eyebrows arched in horror – at Naruto who was wiggling his shoulder into the Uchiha's side.

"Suke-chan." Naruto bubbled girlishly, clutching the appalled boy's arm to snuggle his face against. "I was looking all over for you, silly."

Sasuke was rendered speechless – horrified at the usuratonkachi's behavior. For his fan girls – the case was entirely different.

"Who the _fuck_ are you?" The nearest fan girl demanded. The mob of fan girls nodded, uttering (not very nice) choice words vigorously.

Naruto didn't even flinch as he stepped forward and forced out in a sweet voice. "Who the _fuck_ do I look like?"

The fan girls critically examined the little blonde, standing way too close to their beloved Sasuke-kun: The blonde's golden hair rivaled the hot summer sun in its shiny yellowness. Her eyes were an amazing shade of blue – unrealistically bright and clear cerulean. Her extraordinarily long, light-colored lashes framed her beautiful eyes and their silky heaviness gave her otherwise cute-looking eyes a seducing effect.

The blonde's tan, summer golden skin was flawlessly smooth and bouncy taut. Her soft plump pink lips seemed to be taunting 'kiss me, kiss me, kiss me…' And though the blonde was completely flat, the way her jersey slid off a little to expose the smooth curve of her silky-smooth neck and golden-brown shoulder and the way her long straight legs stretched out from her shorts made even the fan girl mob's hearts go dokidoki.

And, as if to serve the final blow, the beautiful blonde smiled sensually.

"HUCKS!" A collective gasp arose from the now writhing fan girl mob.

The tallest fan girl (203 centimeters tall) blasted like a foghorn "We _lost_!" At her cry, the whole mass of rabid fan girls began to wail simultaneously. "We lost! We lost! We lost!"

Sasuke and Naruto managed to not be run over as the thousands of female fanatics dispersed, shrieking like banshees and licking the wounds that that single smile had caused. When all was finally silent, a rather smug Naruto glanced at a rather surprised Sasuke.

"You really suck!"

Sasuke froze at Naruto's oddly familiar words. He found himself looking at Naruto and seeing Gaara – that was exactly what Gaara had said on their first morning after… But the hallucination didn't even last for a split second. Naruto became Naruto again in Sasuke's eyes and the Uchiha glared vehemently at the usuratonkachi's words.

"W-what?"

"I told ya, Uchiha. Yer inferior!" Naruto quipped, putting his hands behind his head, and looked up at the twitching Uchiha boy without knowing to be scared. "You need superior me – Uzumaki Naruto! – to protect ya from a bunch of girls!"

"Oi, oi, usuratonkachi!" Sasuke snapped. "I don't remember asking for your help."

"Heh heh." The blonde dobe laughed – and Sasuke's disgruntled mind disliked the fact that the laugh was really quite cute – "But yer glad I helped, huh?"

The Uchiha boy would rather die than admit that!

Naruto interpreted the stoic boy's silence as consent and pointed off in the distance, noting with a shred of satisfaction evident in his voice, "Now, Gaara can take care of himself!"

Sasuke whirled around to see that Gaara was being approached by a large group of turned-on women as well. He saw the redhead's eyes narrow into a fierce glare. Instantly, the women eeped, formally apologized and ran for their lives.

"He's better at it than you are, Sasuke." Naruto teased, poking the much taller boy's arm.

"You wanna try it and see?" The Uchiha muttered back darkly.

"What?" The blonde asked and Sasuke inwardly kicked himself.

Shit! Did he – _Uchiha_ Sasuke – just make a dirty joke? To the stupid blonde usuratonkachi? GAH! An Uchiha did not fucking make jokes – 'specially not super low class, get-in-bed-together jokes! His mind must becoming tainted by conversing with the delusional dobe! Ugh!

Naruto did not notice Sasuke's inner turmoil. Instead, he wagged a finger in front of the pale boy's face and taunted, "You haven't been working hard enough, Suke-chan! You'll never be as superior as me at this rate!"

"I'm not goddamn inferior to you, usuratonkachi!" Sasuke roared. "Get it through your thick skull!"

"Suke-chan's jealous of my superiority. Neh, neh!" Naruto slapped his butt at the irate boy, not realizing that his very action counterattacked his own claims.

"AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE CALL ME SUKE-CHAN EVER AGAIN!"

* * *

Sakura sat, crying silently, on the steps of the dorm building. She was waiting for Sasuke-kun's return from practice. Because she wouldn't believe it – didn't want to believe it – till she heard it from Sasuke-kun's own lips… She'd been there – unwillingly lost among the fan girls when she'd come to visit him – when the beautiful blonde had stated her claim on Sakura's beloved and Sasuke-kun had not denied it at all!

Sakura buried her face into her hands. But… Sasuke-kun hadn't admitted to it either! So there was a little hope, wasn't there?

Not at all! A dejected Inner Sakura screamed.

And despite herself, Sakura conjured up an image of the blonde girl in her mind again. But she was just so pretty! And apparently very close to Sasuke-kun – she'd even called Sasuke-kun 'Suke-chan'… Sasuke-kun wouldn't let just anybody get away with something like that! Sakura would know! She'd been by his side for all her life!

…so _when_ exactly – in between all her ceaseless stalking – did Sasuke-kun get himself a girlfriend without her knowing?…

Like that mattered now!

Suddenly, the forlorn girls sobs were interrupted by a polite "Hey, does something hurt?"

Sakura glanced up to see a dark haired girl – who she instantly recognized as the _Hyuuga_ Hinata (she'd seen her in celebrity magazines) – and besides her – the last person in the world Sakura wanted to see at that moment – the beautiful blonde.

Sakura dried her face quickly, turning her head away and hoping her expression hadn't already relayed how much she detested the blonde. It was unfair for her to feel so strongly and negatively about someone that Sakura hadn't met. It was unfair to be mean to someone Sasuke-kun cared about…

But Sakura couldn't help her feelings…

"N-no." She lied quietly.

"Are you waiting for the Sound team?" Naruto guessed, looking past Hinata at the pink-haired girl's Sound cheerleading outfit.

Sakura nodded stiffly.

"So, um, why are you crying?" Naruto persisted, sitting down next to the girl worriedly.

Hinata beamed at her beloved. He was _such_ a caring person! Very proud of Naruto, Hinata sat down on the other side of the weeping Sound cheerleader thinking infatuated compliments about the quality of the blonde's character.

That moment, Sakura realized she was sitting in between the beautiful blonde and Hinata-hime. Feeling incredibly pathetic, she hiccupped, "Be-because I found out that the guy I like has a girlfriend."

"That's crappy." Naruto frowned uncomfortably. Shit! So it was love problems… Gah! To say the least, they weren't his specialty. He _hated_ love problems… He really didn't understand 'em at all!

"That's too bad." Hinata replied sympathetically, glancing at Naruto and blushing shyly.

The small girl could commiserate readily with the pink-haired girl. Hinata couldn't deny that a selfish part of her wanted Naruto-kun to like her back… But no… she didn't deserve it… And Neji nii-san, whose friendship Naruto-kun probably valued much much more than hers, would never ever approve of her. Never.

"Who's the guy?" Naruto asked offhandedly.

"N-Naruto-kun!" Hinata whispered, glancing at the forlorn pink-haired girl.

"We probably wouldn't know who it was, anyway." Naruto shrugged. The dark-haired girl relented.

Sakura wiped her eyes determinedly. This was no time to be weeping; she would get the blonde's perspective of the relationship as well! Summing up all her courage, Sakura looked straight at the blonde and said in a steely voice. "Actually _you_ do."

Naruto was mildly surprised.

"I do?"

Sakura nodded firmly and blurted, "Because I like Uchiha Sasuke!"

It took a moment for the information to sink in. Hinata remembered the handsome player from Sound who Naruto had pointed out to her as the leading scorer for that team. Naruto remembered a rather different memory – one of the Uchiha twisting his head in a headlock when last Naruto had kicked the cold sonuvabitch's knee…

"Can't say much for your taste." Naruto grimaced at the reminiscence of pain.

The pink-haired girl was insulted by the blonde's reply. Did she mock her? Sakura leapt to her feet and pointed a menacing finger at the sitting blonde, and said in a trembling voice.

"He's your _boyfriend_!"

Why was the blonde denying it now after flaunting it in front of so many people earlier! That was no attitude for Sasuke-kun's girlfriend to have at all! Sasuke-kun's girlfriend should be goddamn _proud_ that he loved her!

"Eh?" Naruto asked.

"N-Naruto-kun?"

Sakura furiously lectured the blonde. "So act PROUD of Sasuke-kun or I can't acknowledge that your being worthy of being his girlfriend!"

Hinata instinctively pushed herself between the furious girl and her Naruto-kun, though her heart thumped painfully in wonder whether the girl's words were true. But Naruto-kun cleared her doubts with his next words.

"Actually…" Naruto began. "That's a misunderstanding."

"There you go again!" Sakura threw her hand into the air. She might have even struck the blonde (Inner Sakura was urging her to make the brawl a physical one) and was glad that Hinata-hime was in the way to remind her to restrain herself. "It's really a big deal for Sasuke-kun to open up like that! You should know! So you shouldn't take his feelings lightly! If you hurt him, I'll never forgive – "

"Hey! Hold on a minute." Naruto hollered, interrupting the pink-haired girl's rant. He was quite surprised that a tearful girl could suddenly transform to a looming presence in a split second.

"Uchiha Sasuke is not my boyfriend! I was just pretendin' to get him outta the mess with his fangirls because he helped me some last time!"

Sakura blinked, her rage instantly deflating. "You aren't Sasuke-kun's girlfriend…?"

Naruto looked sickened at the idea. "No." He said firmly.

"O-oh." Sakura bowed her head while Inner Sakura was pumping her fist and screaming 'HUZZAH!'

"Sorry then." Sakura said meekly, embarrassed that she'd gotten angry. She quickly added. "And, uh, thank you for helping Sasuke-kun…"

"S'okay." Naruto answered. Again, he was astonished at the pink-haired girl's contrasting softened tone. In this case, it was a nice surprise. Girls – 'cept Hinata – usually despised him and treated him like some sort of plague. But this girl was kinda nice. …and kinda cute…

"Uzumaki Naruto." Naruto introduced himself, sticking out his hand.

"Haruno Sakura." Sakura replied, smiling sincerely in her relief as she shook hands with the pretty blonde.

"H-Hyuuga Hinata." Hinata spoke up, sharing a handshake with Sakura as well.

Sakura was a little excited at touching Hinata-hime's hand. And the beautiful blonde's… Sakura was now sorely sorry that she'd initially had such negatives feelings about her. She seemed really nice!

Naruto summed up all the reactions he'd seen from the pink haired girl and guessed slowly, his brow creasing, "You really like Uchiha Sasuke, huh?

Sakura turned pink and Hinata giggled at her obvious answer.

"Well, good luck." Naruto encouraged, catching sounds of the approaching Sound team. "Because I hear 'em coming. We should exit the scene. C'mon, Hinata."

Hinata nodded and started to get up when Sakura frantically grabbed the small girl's hand.

"D-don't go!" Sakura blurted. "Sasuke-kun doesn't know I'm coming and I…"

"N-naruto-kun?" Hinata looked towards the blonde for his decision.

"Fine, fine." Naruto plopped down next to Sakura again. "We'll, um, you…just pretend like your talking to us…"

Maybe he actually was better at this love crap than he thought.

The boys on the Sound team gave a low whistle when they saw what was waiting on the steps of their dorm room. There was the lovely Hinata-hime, the illustrious Hyuuga heir, and… a cute pink-haired cheerleader and…

Uzumaki Naruto.

It was like self-serve take-out. Only even _yummier_…

"I get the blonde." One of the Sound players hissed, his whisper traveling through the group and starting a chain reaction.

"Not if I get him first!"

"Sure you can; right after I floor him…"

"I had dibs on him the moment I got to this freakin' camp!"

Soon, the members of the Sound team – the punishment of castration readily forgotten – started to punch and kick it out to see who got to screw the blonde first when one Uchiha Sasuke separated himself from the scratching and hissing crowd and approached Naruto.

"Usuratonkachi!" Sasuke slapped his blonde head. "Stop littering our doorstep and go back to your own dorm."

"What the hell, asshole!" Naruto surged up from his seat and engaged in a brutal stare down with the Uchiha.

"Um, Sasuke-kun…" Sakura started, tugging on Sasuke-kun's arm. He didn't even look at her, determined not to lose to the unblinking and glaring blonde.

"Look away, you stubborn and inferior person." Naruto ordered, his eyes watering.

"You look away first, dobe." Sasuke hissed back, straining not to close his eyes.

"Er…Sasuke-kun…" Sakura started again.

In the background, a bloody but victorious Sound player cried out, "HA! I WON! I GET TO FUCK THE BLONDE FIRST!" only to be replied by a suddenly appearing Tayuya who asked, smiling savagely, "Congratulations. You won the privilege of being the first fucked up guy to give up all his sperm. Do you prefer knife or big-ass scissors?" This was promptly followed by a blood-curling scream which sent all the other Sound players trotting obediently back to their dorm without so much a second glance at the still unblinking Naruto – still in an eyeball game of death with a certain Uchiha – as they passed.

"Oi! Oi! Hinata!" Naruto groaned, his eyes feeling raw.

"Yes? Naruto-kun?" Hinata instantly answered.

Sakura blinked in surprise. If she didn't know better, she could swear that Hinata-hime liked Naruto. Hmm. Hinata-hime didn't seem like the yuri type… And Naruto…

Sakura glanced at Sasuke-kun struggling to keep his eyes open and refusing to break contact with Naruto's. Sakura felt a hot jealousy for the blonde bloom in her heart all over again…

"Kick this guy really hard between the legs." Naruto told the smaller girl.

"THAT'S CHEATING USURAKTONKACHI!" Sasuke bellowed – his dark eyes flashing and thus swaying from the eye lock.

"Yosh!" Naruto leapt into the air, tears trailing down his face from his itchy eyes, "I win! I'm still superior!"

"You _cheated_!" Sasuke replied in a cold voice.

"Whatsa matter? Can't stomach a loss, Suke-chan?"

Sasuke glowered at the detested nickname and leaned forward to flick the blonde dobe's forehead, sending the little boy tumbling backwards – his feet flying over his head.

That was the last that Sakura could take. She whirled around and fled – not wanting to see Sasuke-kun heap endless emotions on another girl anymore. She was sorry to Naruto, she really was – the blonde didn't mean to hurt her; Sakura knew that for sure – but she couldn't deny that at the same time, she was jealous… jealous of Uzumaki Naruto for being able to bring back the Sasuke-kun before Itachi.

"Sa-Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried, watching the pink-haired girl race away with a pained look creasing her features. He sat up and rubbed his forehead. "Wait – what – Sasuke!"

But Sasuke had stalked angrily into the dorm building, giving Naruto a frightening smirk as he slammed the door shut. GAH! Where'd his superior cupid playing gone wrong?

When you got yourself caught in that stupid stare-down with the Uchiha, dobe. Naruto's conscience accused, pointing an accusing finger at Naruto's guilty private thoughts.

Okay…maybe taking up time for the stare-down wasn't a smooth move… But Sakura wouldn't have been hurt just because he took up time – would she?

"Why'd Sakura run off, Hinata?" Naruto asked the remaining dark-haired girl.

Hinata bit her lip as she fidgeted. "Maybe she was j-jealous, Naruto-kun…"

"Jealous that Sasuke flicked me on the forehead?" Naruto wondered out loud. His forehead was still sore from where the Uchiha's forefinger had struck him. GAH! Damn the bastard and his accursed strength…

Hinata didn't mention that she'd too felt slightly left out at the oddly friendly – though visually hostile – aura between the two boys. She helped Naruto-kun to his feet and the blonde got up and dusted himself off.

"Love is crap!" Naruto spat, swearing to wash himself of the whole ordeal. "And Shikamaru was right all along! Women are impossible to understand!"

The blonde paused to glance sheepishly at the small girl at his side.

"'Cept you, Hinata. You are the only girl _I_ understand, anyways."

Hinata blushed, her heart swelling at Naruto's words. Maybe he valued her friendship as well –though of course not as much as Neji nii-san's… She beamed at her beloved, silently thanking him.

'Thank you for saying that, Naruto-kun!'

* * *

Author's Note: Please leave any comments you have. :) 


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note:

"_Congratulations, Neji-san." Author applauds the pale, disinterested Hyuuga boy. "You are really popular with the beautiful people who read this fic!"_

_Neji ignores author's presence completely, looking around for Naruto._

"_Er, Neji-san…" Author fidgets. She is really embarrassed that her lack of control over the cast of her own fic has become evident to everyone. "Could you, um, say thank you to the reviewers? Please?"_

_Neji smirks in annoyance and gives author a pointed look which reads clearly, 'Go away if you like to breathe.'_

_Author sighs. "Well, then, I guess I'll just have to throw this away!" She blandishes a Naruto plushie – her last resort – from behind her back._

_Neji's pale eyes glint at the sight of the plushie._

_Author is smug at her damn good idea. "If you thank the reviewers, I'll – "_

_Neji suddenly flashes forward at lightening speed and snatches the Naruto plushie out of her hands without waiting for her to finish speaking. Author's mouth drops open as she stares at Neji triumphantly running off with the plushie and sighs as she finishes her now unnecessary sentence, " – give this to you…"_

Well, um, everyone. Thanks for reading! And I know that deep down, Neji's thankful that you are reading too.

Here's chapter eleven! Enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Eleven_

"WAIT! SAKURA, WAIT!!"

Sakura whirled around to see a pretty blonde rushing towards her.

"Ino!"

"Hah hah…" Trying to catch her breath, the blonde girl greeted, "Phew, hello, Sakura-chan!"

"Heh?" The pink-haired girl asked, immediately suspicious (for a very good reason) that her rival had so urgently came after her. "What do you want?"

"Can't a girl talk to her best friend?" Ino asked, her eyes huge in an obviously fake look of innocence.

"What do you want?" Sakura demanded, a little scared now of her rival's intensions.

The pink haired girl was blatantly backing away… Ino realized that her cheerful cover was a total bust and dropped the smile on her face. Now serious, the blonde girl stated, "Sakura-chan. It's about Sasuke-kun."

Her fear instantly forgotten at her beloved's name, Sakura's green eyes grew round as she cried, "Oh no! Is something wrong?"

Instead of answering, Ino started to rummage around the pocket of her (Shikamaru's) Konoha jersey.

"What about Sasuke-kun?" Sakura urged, clutching the other girl's shoulders and all but strangling her. "Ino! What happened to Sasuke-kun?"

"Stop shaking me first." Ino ordered. Sakura immediately dropped her hands and the blonde pulled out a picture from her pocket. She thrust it into the pink haired girl's hand, declaring, "Exhibit A!"

Sakura looked at the picture. A small, shirtless blonde boy was unbuckling his belt in a locker room. She couldn't see very well in the dimming evening light – which was good because the boy was really really cute and she might have – had her view not been so shaded – drooled over a picture of a guy that wasn't Sasuke-kun.

"What's this!" Sakura asked, looking up at her friend. Suddenly startled, Sakura gasped, "Is this a new perverted hobby? How does _this_ have to do with Sasuke-kun?"

"Huh?" Ino asked, now her turn to be confused.

"IS THIS SOME SORT OF WARNING YOU ARE GIVING ME?" Sakura wailed, calculating one and one and getting three. "YOU ARE GOING TO STALK AND TAKE PICTURES OF SASUKE-KUN?"

"What? NO!" Ino roared, grabbing an overreacting Sakura's wrist. Ino ripped the picture from Sakura's hand and push it up close in front of her friend's eyes. "This is what happened to Sasuke-kun!"

Silence.

"Sasuke-kun's shirtless somewhere?" Sakura finally asked, getting lightheaded and nearly swooning at just the thought of it. An erotic Sasuke-kun…? Mmmmmnnn… Sakura half-closed her eyes as fan service images popped up plentifully above her head in pink thought bubbles.

Ino almost nose bled at the images that were floating above her rival's wide forehead. Luckily, the blonde snapped out of it just in time.

"Sakura-chan." Ino tried to clarify. "Uzumaki Naruto happened to Sasuke-kun!"

Sakura stopped dancing with her shirtless Sasuke-kun illusions.

"Uzumaki Naruto?"

Ino nodded, flapping the picture pinched in between her fingers.

Sakura felt as though her mind had been cleared of all logic. She tried to puzzle what Ino was saying out: Uzumaki Naruto… that was the beautiful blonde she'd met… who wasn't Sasuke-kun's girlfriend… still somehow really close to Sasuke-kun… but this had to do with some shirtless boy… and it happened to Sasuke-kun… had to do with Uzumaki Naruto… shirtless boy… Sasuke-kun… Uzumaki Naruto… Sasuke-kun… shirtless boy!

"GYAH!" Sakura shrieked jerking the picture out of Ino's hand to zoom under the nearest streetlight to get a better look at it. In the bright light, the picture now clearly reflected in the pink-haired girl's green eyes and she could make out the details of the shirtless blonde's features. And it was like a heavy weight had dropped on her head.

"Uzumaki Naruto's cheating on Sasuke-kun with…" Sakura shrieked, forking the picture above her head to show the world, "HER TWIN BROTHER!"

* * *

Naruto sneezed. Rubbing his nose with the back of his hand, he turned and said brightly to the long-haired boy stripping out of his shirt and pulling on his night shirt besides him. 

"Neji! I'll give you a back massage!"

Neji jerked around to face an eager blonde as the Konoha boy's dorm room grew deathly quiet at Naruto's suggestion. Everyone had been getting ready for bed. Chouji had been eating an imported super size bag of Ultra Cheesy Doritos. Kiba had just returned from walking Akamaru. Shikamaru had been looking over the records of how today's plays had run. Shino had been watching a spider weave her web outside their window. Lee had been wringing out his really soggy gym suit – courtesy of a need-to-be-comforted Ten Ten.

But all this stopped as all eyes watched a hyperactive blonde jump up and down on his mat, eagerly.

"I'm serious!" Naruto continued. "I've been reading this!"

The small blonde blandished a huge book with the title "A Tensai Manager's Guide to Making his Team Perform at its Very Best."

Shikamaru took the book from the blonde and opened to the first page. The picture showed a leggy girl manager straddling a very happy jock in an extremely lewd position. Shikamaru flipped to the cover again. Just as he expected. The author was none other then…

Shikamaru started to speak up when suddenly he was interrupted by Neji.

"Okay. Naruto." The dark-haired boy replied slowly, his face betraying nothing. "Give me a back massage."

The blonde beamed as the other members of the Konoha team raised surprised eyebrows.

"You won't regret it, Neji." The blonde indicated towards the blankets. "Lie down on your stomach and get ready to receive the best back massage you ever had!"

Neji obeyed quickly. He was relieved that he could hide his now reddening face in the folds of a pillow. Naruto crawled on top of the Hyuuga and sat on the older boy's hips. Cracking his knuckles as the rest of the Konoha team continued to stare curiously, Naruto paused for a moment to gently swipe Neji's hair off his back. Then, the blonde rested his hands just below the bigger boy's shoulder blades.

"Here goes!" Naruto declared before pressing firmly down on the older boy's back with his thumbs.

* * *

Ino stalked over to her rival and slapped her hard on the back of her very round pink head. And Sakura was supposed to be a brain! Honestly! 

"No silly!" Ino demanded, "What are you ranting about?"

"I…"

"NO!" Ino interrupted, slapping a hand over Sakura's mouth. "I don't even _want_ to know. Just listen to me for a sec, 'kay?"

Sakura nodded obediently – it wasn't as if she could do anything else with Ino's firm hold of her.

"This is a picture of Uzumaki Naruto." Ino explained.

Sakura jerked out of Ino's grasp. "EH!"

"You know Naruto?" Ino asked, surprised.

"EH!" Sakura repeated, not hearing Ino at all.

It was apparent Sakura had not outstripped her shock. Ino guessed that the pink-haired girl had probably thought Uzumaki Naruto was a girl – a very common mistake. Ino watched her rival say "EH!" repeatedly in regular intervals and thought how Sakura's reaction mirrored Ino's when she herself had first found out that the too-pretty-for-his-own-damn-good blonde was actually a boy.

* * *

Push. Push. 

"Ah! Ah!"

Press. Press.

"A little bit higher..."

"Here?"

"Hmm…"

Rub. Rub.

"Hah…hah…"

"Does that feel nice, Neji?"

"…em…yeah…"

Push. Push.

"….ah…ah!"

A light pound.

"Oh!"

"Hee, hee. I told you I was good!"

"…"

Press. Press.

"There. Nn, there!"

Pound. Pound.

Shiver.

Push. Push.

"…unnnn….nunnneee…."

Press. Press.

"Down."

PUSH!

"Nmmmm…ah!"

Poke. Poke…

(Author's Note: Children, let your imaginations be free!)

* * *

Ino waited for a good ten minutes for the information of Naruto's being a guy to sink in before interrupting the other girl's "EH!"s. 

"Sakura-chan?"

"Y-yes?" Sakura managed to reply though her brain still tried to comprehend how a _boy_ could be so _pretty_.

"Sasuke-kun is…" Ino hoped that her next words wouldn't bring mental trauma on the pink-haired girl and impair her for life. "…sorta… of course, really, really slightly! (here, Ino laughed nervously as she desperately thought of the least intense word that would still convey her observations) – _interested_ Uzumaki Naruto."

Sakura froze and Ino tensed – praying to kami-sama that Sakura's outburst wouldn't cause an explosion that'd endanger their lives. Much to Ino's (great, great, great, great, great…) surprise, Sakura just nodded painfully.

Ino blinked. Sakura…knew…? How?

The blonde looked at her depressed friend. It didn't matter how. She knew and she was hurt… That was why this plan was so important…

"C'mon, Sakura-chan. You need to do this as much as me..." Ino continued in her most gentle voice.

Sakura peered up as her rival withdrew a second picture from her pocket slowly. This time, Ino identified the person before pushing the picture into her friend's hands.

"Exhibit B: Gaara."

Sakura gasped, staring into the picture.

"He's hot, huh?"

"On fire!" Sakura exclaimed, her cheeks growing pink.

The boy in the picture emitted a raw sexiness that nearly paralleled Sasuke-kun's. His white skin contrasted starkly with the dark rim of his light green eyes – such beautiful eyes – and the tattoo on his forehead – doomed to be ridiculous on everyone else – was dangerously sexy on the redhead. The way his smooth lips were twisted into a slightly annoyed frown and the way a light frown faintly wrinkled his smooth brow displayed that this boy was fully aware of the intent masculinity that demanded everyone to obey his wishes that he was emitting.

Sakura admired the redhead's broad manly shoulders and just as suddenly, frowned. The rest of the boy's lean, muscular frame was interrupted by what looked like blurred leaves. It was curious… as if this picture was taken with a camera with a super-zoom capability from inside a thick bush…

Sakura stared at Ino. Ino took this picture in a bush after taking the first in a boy's locker room? When'd Yanamaka Ino become a stalker?

* * *

Kiba looked with surprise at Shikamaru. 

"I'd say Naruto's actually really good at back massaging."

"Yeah." An equally surprised Shikamaru agreed, watching Neji continue to make happy sounds from beneath an intense Naruto who was professionally thumbing the exact places where the back muscles were likely to get strained.

Chouji had stopped chomping down on his imported super-sized bag of Ultra Cheesy Doritos. Licking his fingers, the chubby boy remarked, "That looks pretty relaxing."

"Guess that book's better than it looks." Kiba stated, taking the book from Shikamaru to get a closer look.

"No. Naruto's good _despite_ that messed up book." Shikamaru corrected, taking it back and tossing the hentai book by a hentai author to the side.

"Uzumaki's muscle control is perfect and all instinctive." Shino agreed. "And he also knows precisely how to relieve the tension from the muscles."

"Neji seems to like it." Lee observed, as the usually calm boy groaned as Naruto inched his hands down the older boys back.

And all four boys noted how their own shoulders were aching from a hard day's practice…

* * *

"Er, Ino-chan?" Sakura asked, looking strangely at her rival. 

"What is it now?"

"Where did you get these pictures?"

Ino blushed. She'd hoped that Sakura wouldn't ask that…

"Er, the second one I took, um, in, um, from the far, far sidelines of where, um, the Sand team was practicing…"

"In a bush?" Sakura asked incredulously.

"Actually, I took that one on top of a small tree." Ino confessed.

At her friend's degrading look, Ino blurted, "Well, Gaara's not exactly a person that I can walk up to ask for a picture!"

Sakura let that one go. The redhead really didn't look like a person that one could easily accost… And that wasn't the problematic picture…

"And the first picture…?"

"That one I bought." Ino replied quickly, dismissing Sakura's worst fears.

"Bought?" Sakura wondered out loud.

"Yup." Ino said. "From the president of Uzumaki Naruto's fan club."

"Fan club?"

"Yeah. It's an, um, all boy's fan club at our school…" Ino explained. "I needed a picture to show you and um…since it's impossible because of a certain guy – cough, cough, Hyuuga Neji, cough – to take pictures of Naruto using the bush/tree method, I had to buy it to show you."

"Oh?" Sakura breathed.

"It cost me sixteen hundred yen too! Even though it's a goddamn copy..." Ino grumbled.

"How did the president of Uzumaki Naruto's fan club get a picture if there's that…um…certain guy guarding Naruto?" Sakura wanted to know.

"Not only did I have to pay lots of money, I had to bike all the way to the hospital." Ino continued to explain.

"Hospital?" The pink-haired girl quipped, startled.

"Because the president of Naruto's fan club's been in a full-body cast ever since Neji found out how he'd been 'taking advantage' of being in the same gym class as Naruto." Ino told her rival.

Sakura blinked. She wondered just what this Hyuuga Neji's relationship with Uzumaki Naruto was…

* * *

"I'm all done, Neji." Naruto said, crawling off the Hyuuga's back. 

Neji didn't reply; his face still buried in the pillow. The dark-haired boy knew that staying down was not exactly a natural action – but he couldn't really think of anything else at the moment except that he wanted Naruto to crawl back on his back again. His face instantly heated up in appall at his inappropriate thoughts. Neji buried his face even deeper into the pillow.

"Neji? Did you fall asleep?" Naruto asked, leaning his head down close to the pale boy's hidden face. "Neji?"

When the older boy didn't reply – busy restraining extremely improper, pheromone-affected (or so the Hyuuga thought) urges – Naruto shrugged. Turning back to his other patiently waiting teammates, the blonde smiled.

"Does anyone else want a back massage?"

At the blonde's offer, four boys answered at once.

"Yeah, sure… it doesn't look too troublesome…"

"…" (A silent yes from Shino.)

"Gah! After all those free throws, my back is killing me!"

"Can I eat while you massage?"

"Yosh! Getting a back massage sounds like an activity for the YOUTH!"

Naruto grinned, happy that his teammates recognized his tensai manager skills. "Okay! I'll do it! Who wants a back massage first? Heh?"

Naruto blinked as he suddenly saw his teammates blanch. He was so busy looking at one pale face to the next that he didn't realize that there was a looming dark shadow of one very pissed off Hyuuga who'd near transformed into a shinegami right behind him…

"Nah, never mind. It actually looks too troublesome."

"…" (A silent (and very potent) no from Shino.)

"Gah! After all those free throws, I'm dead tired. Better turn in _right away_!"

"I don't think I can eat while you massage!"

"Getting a back massage is definitely not for the YOUTH! Yosh! I'll _not _get a back massage!"

"What the...?" A disappointed Naruto asked, as his once eager teammates scattered to busy themselves with other things. Thwarted, the blonde turned around and saw that Neji had woken up and was sitting up on his mat, giving Naruto a kind, sympathetic look.

"WAHHH!" The blonde dobe cried, flying into Neji's arms. "Only Neji loves me!"

Neji soothingly stroked the blonde's quaking back, as the pouting blonde stuck a tongue out at his teammates and announced, "I'm never gonna offer ta give any of ya back massages – ever!"

Neji successfully ignored poisoned looks from his other teammates as he patted the blonde's head.

* * *

"Ino-chan?" Sakura asked. "What does Gaara have to do with…" 

Sakura choked out the painful words. "Sasuke-kun taking interest in Uzumaki Naruto?"

"Good question, now I can finally show you the long waited exhibit C!"

Ino eagerly pulled out a badge sponsoring huge block letters from her pocket and gave it to Sakura. Sakura frowned as she read the blackened words.

"What does this mean?" The pink-haired girl asked her rival.

"It means the answer to our problems!" Ino winked, wagging a sly finger in front of the other girl's face.

"Answer to our problems?" Sakura echoed.

Ino nodded vigorously. "Uzumaki Naruto has a thing for Gaara – it's like, obvious."

"I don't blame him." Sakura replied seriously. "If you pass him!" Sakura flashed the photo of the redhead. "On the street and you didn't look back to stare, you would not qualify as a human being. Unless, of course, you were blind, deaf and were so dry that you bristled."

Ino twitched at the Sakura's somehow familiar reaction. But the blonde willed herself to continue and explain. "If we get Uzumaki Naruto and Gaara to love-love, then Sasuke-kun would stop being 'distracted' and…"

A silent, pregnant moment passed as both girls arrived at the same glorious conclusion.

"…come to me!" Both girls finished together, clutching their own hands together in like classic-Shoujo-heroine-rapture poses. Each was too worked up in her own happy ending that they did not argue over the fact that their fantasies conflicted with each other's…

Sakura hastily bent to pin the badge Ino had given her on as Ino mirrored her rival's actions, pulling out another badge from her pocket (Ino made a mental note to thank Shikamaru later on; his jersey's pockets were really deep and could conveniently hold a whole bunch of shit). When both girls straightened, their chests sponsored sparkly badges engraved with the bold proud letters:

**GAANARU**.

* * *

Author's Note: 

_Author finishes posting the new chapter on and is about to switch off her computer when an angry Uchiha enters, pointing out the window. "Explain!"_

_The author looks out to see a very happy Hyuuga clutching a Naruto plushie and smirking at an annoyed Gaara who's looking with evident jealousy at the Naruto plushie._

"_Er…well…that's…"_

"_I hope that isn't your way of subtly suggesting this is going to be a NejiNaru fic." Sasuke's eyes narrow dangerously._

"_There's a perfectly logical reason behind – "_

_The author is interrupted by Sasuke's demanding, "Well if it's not, I want a Naruto plushie too! Now!"_

_Few minutes later…_

_A happy Sasuke exits the room with a Naruto plushie as author sinks into her chair after taking two aspirins. She tries to look on the bright side. At least, she was still alive. Yeah, that was good… The sun will come up tomorrow, right?_

_At that moment, an angry Gaara enters the room and spits out, "Explain!" jerking one thumb out the window._

_Author silently curses Annie in her mind._

Well, everybody! We are on chapter eleven already! Thanks for the reviews and I hope to see you in the next chapter too! As always, feel free to send me any suggestions for the fic.


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note: Good morning everybody! Sorry about the delay (really, really).

Now, without further ado, here's chapter twelve! As always, I hope you enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twelve_

Naruto was on his knees, searching the dusty floors of the storage room. He'd dropped his key to the second training room somewhere… GAH! Where was it? He had to get back to his team practice quickly, dammit! Shit! Maybe someone had kicked the key beneath one of the storage shelves…

Naruto crawled on his hands and knees, inserting his hand beneath the shelves in a probing search. GAH! He'd come all the way to the way back of the storage and all he'd collected was a huge black pile of dirt. Naruto coughed at the rising dust as he pulled his hand out. There was no way his key would've fallen this far back into the room… He was about to dust himself off when he heard a girl's muffled shriek come from behind the wall.

"Unnnmmmm." The girl moaned painfully.

Was somebody hurt? Why were they way out here – people didn't use this storage room that often? Naruto rushed to his feet and hurried to look out the storage room back window. Because of a particularly dense shrub planted along the back of the building, it was difficult for someone to see the back wall of the storage room and nearly impossible to see the far end wall. But Naruto had a slightly better view, looking out of the smudged glass from the inside.

Naruto could make out a girl's bare legs, stretched out in the dirt. She apparently wasn't alone. Though it was hard to see because of the hedges, Naruto saw a jerking form – wearing a gold and black jersey – hovering above the reclining girl. He heard the girl cry out again.

"Ah! Ah!" She moaned. "Ugh! Harder! _Harder_! Ha – ah! Aaaah! AAAAAHHHHH!"

The blonde felt a shiver jerk through his body at the girl's sensual scream. What the fuck – !

Tearing away from the window instantly, Naruto – forgetting all about his lost key – ran out of the storage room. He didn't stop running till he crashed right into a hurrying girl going in the opposite direction.

"N-Naruto-kun!"

"SORRY!"

Naruto cried, helping the girl he'd collided with – Hinata – to her feet. He bowed his head apologetically.

"I'm fine, Naruto-kun. I-I found the key. Shino-kun had it." Hinata told the blonde, showing him the key she clutched in her palms.

"Ah…"

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked. Naruto-kun was covered in dust and his face was bright red. "A-are you okay?"

Naruto nodded and, promptly, almost tripped over his own feet.

Hinata bit her lip, worried now. Perhaps he had a fever! "Naruto-kun… perhaps… perhaps you should rest! O-or take a hot shower…" Hinata blushed when the blonde looked at her, a little surprised. "Because you look feverish…"

A hot shower sounded terrific, Naruto though, glancing down at his dirt that covered him. And, it'd probably clear his head as well.

"Thanks a whole bunch, Hinata. You are a life saver." Naruto smiled at the small girl, who blushed. "Can you deal with the manager duties by yourself for a while?"

"N-no problem. Please don't worry!" The dark-haired girl nodded fervently, determinedly.

"I'll be back quickly then." Naruto told the small girl, running towards the showers. Hinata looked after him, hoping he was all right…

* * *

Naruto walked slowly toward the showers, trying to organize his thoughts. What was the matter with him? Wasn't he goddamn overreacting? Kami! It wasn't as though he'd fucking never seen someone have sex before… 

………

……

…

Okay, so it was his first time watching someone have sex. But it wasn't like he watched the whole thing just now! He'd just heard a very small part of it. And the inadequate girl hadn't even sounded that good anyway. In fact, she'd sounded really bad…

Fuck, she'd sounded horrible!

……

…

And why was he pissed off at some random girl?

Because, his hidden conscience whispered, because the guy who was screwing her had on a Sand jersey…

Naruto shook his head furiously. What was he thinking? There were lots of guys with Sand jerseys. There were probably a _million_ guys with Sand jerseys! Of course. Sand jersey didn't mean…didn't always mean…

Him.

Naruto swallowed.

Why was he just thinking of _him_?

…

……

…a-and w-who the hell was this him, anyway?! Naruto's mind furiously denied. H-hmm! Naruto had no _him_. He was so definitely not thinking of someone in particular. And the person he was so definitely not thinking about in particular did not have the most amazing green eyes. And the person he was so definitely not thinking about in particular who did not have the most amazing green eyes also did not have the most spectacular shooting form and ball control Naruto had ever seen…

Plus, Gaara would never screw a girl that didn't even sound sexy at all when they were doing it…

…

……

Naruto needed to shower and cool off. Now.

* * *

"Gaara!" 

Gaara turned to see Temari – trying hard to conceal her annoyed expression – running to catch up to him.

"Where were you today?" Temari asked, her brow creasing as she noticed that her brother's jersey was smeared with dirt and there were leaves caught in his hair. "You missed practice, Gaara."

"…" Gaara didn't reply but looked expectantly at his sister with a slightly puzzled look – as if he didn't understand what the problem was. Temari sighed. It was no use lecturing Gaara. (Not that she had the guts to properly lecture him…)

"Go wash up and then come out for practice." Temari added, "Please."

"…"

Gaara started toward the showers and stopped. He turned back slightly to give a delayed answer. "Fine."

Temari – though she'd been furious with Gaara till that very second – smiled. He'd consented to her instructions. He'd _expressed_ consent to her instructions. And that was something, at least.

* * *

Naruto turned his shower off, drying his hair with a towel. Kami! He felt much better. And he was no longer thinking about Ga… no longer thinking about other stuff… Thanking Hinata in his mind, Naruto wrapped his body with a towel and padded out to the lockers to dress. 

A pale young man was drying his hair with a towel and for a moment, Naruto thought it was Sasuke.

It wasn't.

"Gaara." Naruto breathed, as the young man pulled the towel off to reveal his red hair. Gah! Why was _he _here? Why did Naruto have to run into him out of all people? Why was he here after…after…

The green eyes casually looked up at the dripping blonde and Naruto's heart leapt painfully. Gaara was looking at him with mild confusion evident in his features – he didn't seem to recognize him at all.

"Hey." Naruto choked on his own words. Gah! Why didn't his body function properly when he was around this guy?

Gaara didn't even answer as he went back to drying his hair. Naruto, feeling disappointed for some obscure reason, was about to return to his own locker to dress when he spotted Gaara's jersey on the bench. He felt a burst of pain as he saw the dirt stains on the gold and black cloth.

So it really had been Gaara…

Naruto knew he should go back and change. It was none of his business who Gaara screwed. None of his goddamn business at all! So why the hell was he standing here, dripping water all over the place and looking pathetically at Gaara's jersey?

Gaara's dirty jersey.

And before Naruto could think, he found himself jerking the gold and black jacket up in his hand and demanding, shaking the dirty jersey in Gaara's face, "I thought you gave this to me!"

The redhead looked up – his green eyes frosty – at the trembling blonde. Naruto's fist that clutched the jersey was shaking in his anger. Naruto didn't know why his whole body felt so hot, why his soul felt like it was on fire and why, why, why he felt so incredibly betrayed – hurt – angry at the silent boy in front of him who goddamn refused to answer him.

The blonde and the redhead stood that way for a second that seemed to last a million years. The blonde shaking in his confused anger. The redhead looking sullenly back at him.

Finally, Naruto threw the jersey down on to bench again, disgusted that some of the dirt had smeared on his own palms. The repulsive dirt that that bitch and Gaara had rolled all over just moments ago. Feeling that the filth was burning off his hand, Naruto stalked towards his locker. He thanked kami for the small mercy of his locker being in another row than Gaara's.

Naruto dried himself off hastily, wishing that his hands would stop shaking as he pulled on his clothes.

* * *

Naruto sat on the bench in the locker room. He'd originally intended to wait till Gaara left to leave cos he didn't want to see the redhead's face again. But, Gaara – though from his silence, it was evident he was done dressing – didn't make any sign of moving. Naruto swallowed. He had no choice. He had to go out first…. 

He should go out first…

He didn't goddamn want to fucking go out first – ! He didn't want to see Gaara. Because if he did, Naruto was sure he'd do something irrational again. Like scream. Or punch him. Or worse…

…cry…

Which was just fucking messed up because he and Gaara… he and Gaara were… nothing to each other…

He'd just blast out of the locker room. Naruto decided. He'd run the hell outta here so fast that he wouldn't see Gaara sitting there. Drawing in a bracing breath, Naruto bolted…

CRASH!

………

……

…

Naruto sucked in a broken breath. Gaara had grabbed a fleeing Naruto and had him firmly pinned against the lockers. The blonde's blue eyes met the redhead's green ones and held.

And finally, Gaara spoke.

"You gave it back."

Naruto's eyes opened wide at his words. Did that mean…? Did Gaara mean that he…?

Gaara's grip on Naruto's arms tightened and Naruto let out a small yelp of pain. That only made the redhead's clutch strengthen even more as Gaara hissed, deathly dangerous.

"But you fucking gave it back, though…"

Naruto swallowed. He had to think straight. Yes. Think, Naruto, think. First… first, he'd break free. His arms were being bruised in the bigger boy's hands. His first instinct was to break free… yes, break free…

No.

His first instinct wasn't to break free. His first instinct was to…

Naruto closed his eyes and pushed his lips against the redhead's in a hungry kiss.

* * *

"Hinata-sama?" 

Hinata looked up and winced at Neji nii-san's stern expression.

"Y-yes?"

"Naruto went to take a shower?" The pale boy near demanded.

Hinata nodded quickly, swallowing in fear.

"Would it be all right for me to go and check on him?" Neji's pale eyes dared the smaller girl to say no.

Hinata didn't. Instead, she eagerly consented. "P-please."

Neji bowed curtly and flew toward the boy's showers in search of a missing Naruto…

* * *

"Where's Gaara?" Temari wondered out loud, breaking her sixth pencil in her frustration. 

Kankuro tried to calm his older sister. "Maybe he's taking a long shower, Temari."

Temari looked at him flatly. Kankuro sighed. It was very unlikely for Gaara to waste more time than necessary in something like taking a shower. For Gaara, washing was strictly an act of cleaning oneself – not a method of relaxation.

"I'll go look for him." Kankuro offered.

Temari, in reply, broke her seventh pencil.

* * *

Neji raced down the halls. An ominous feeling was eating at his insides and making them twist with worry. His heart pulsed irregularly and a single thought kept echoing in the longhaired boy's mind. 

Don't go away. Naruto. Don't go away…

* * *

Kankuro looked down at the two sleeping forms in horror. Gah! If Temari saw this…

"Oi! Oi!" Kankuro snapped at the naked couple.

At his voice, the blonde stirred in the redhead's arms…

* * *

Neji arrived at the door of the boy's showers. His thudding heart seemed to have crawled up from its place in his chest and was caught in his throat. Swallowing heavily, the Hyuuga pushed open the door.

* * *

Kankuro kicked the redhead's chest squarely. "Wake up, idiot!" 

The blonde had enough decency to look embarrassed as the redhead coughed and jerked awake. As he opened his eyes, he saw the very pissed off face of Sand's basketball team captain.

"Kankuro…" He scratched his head awkwardly, forgetting that he was completely naked.

"The fuck, Komaja." Kankuro spat.

The blonde tried to hide her bare body behind her boyfriend's body as Komaja finally grasped the seriousness of the situation. Of course, it could have been worse. Komaja could have been discovered by a pissed off Gaara or by Temari… but apart from those two, Kankuro was the worst person to be found screwing a girl in the bushes and skipping out on practice…

"How did you find us?" Komaja asked dumbly. He thought he'd hidden himself so well – behind the storage room where it was damn hard to see.

Kankuro threw a blue bra into Komaja's face. "Because _that_ was blowing in the wind." Kankuro spat.

Komaja blushed though he was scared enough to pee in his pants.

"Maho, um, this is yours." He fished the bra to the blonde girl, who'd been getting dressed and had been searching for it. Maho blushed as well, darting a scared look at a furious Kankuro. She quickly hooked on her bra and buttoned her blouse. Darting a glance at Komaja – who was looking at his feet fearfully – she hurriedly got to her feet.

"Don't ever fucking come here again – especially not during practice." Kankuro warned her.

Maho gulped. She bowed awkwardly and turned to race away. Kankuro allowed the small mercy of letting the girl get out of hearing range before he turned to a sickeningly white Komaja.

"Get up."

Komaja did.

"Clamp your jaw hard." Kankuro said, balling his hands into fist.

Komaja braced his jaw – and closed his eyes against the first terrible impact.

* * *

Neji looked around the locker room and the showers – completely empty. Except for some scattered dirt, there was no sign of anyone. Neji frowned. 

_Where was Naruto?_

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry, it's slightly a cliffhanger…kekeke.

Well, I hope everyone enjoyed it. And if you want – please tell me what pairings you are rooting for. It's really fun to hear those. Plus, we have several potential (cough, cough) pairings possible in this fic, so… Anyway, hope to see you in chapter thirteen!


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note: Hi everyone! It's been awhile.

_Author laughs nervously as her greeting is replied by a shuriken that narrowly misses hacking off her left ear._

Er, well, I'm glad people missed me.

_Author eeps as two more shurikens just barely miss both sides of her neck._

I'm sorry that I was so late in updating… Hope you enjoy!

_Author runs behind a thick door as a dozen shurikens bury themselves into the thick wood._

And onto chapter thirteen!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Thirteen_

"Uchiha! Pick up the speed!" Tayuya yelled at the seemingly distracted pale boy.

Sasuke didn't need to be told twice. He quickened his steps, dribbled past the Sound guard and dunked the ball through the basketball hoops. His opponent fell back, gasping.

"Nice!" Tayuya yelled, making a mark on her clipboard. She noted with an annoyed frown that though the dark-haired bastard had performed very impressively with a near perfect shooting average, the Uchiha just didn't seem to be concentrating today… Gah! What the fuck was his problem (not that she wanted to ask)!

Kidoumaru glimpsed their manager's glowering expression and turned to glare at the Uchiha, who'd sat down on the bench for a short break. Sasuke taking a break was rare – his stamina wasn't human – but today, this had been his third goddamn water break.

"But Gaara lost on purpose. Maybe old feelings die hard – even for the cold-blooded."

Sakon's words echoed in Kidoumaru's mind, upsetting the already frustrated basketball player. Sasuke better not be letting his past relationship with Gaara be affecting his plays. The summer games were approaching and the greatest opponent of the Sound was the Sand – not to mention the greatest single opponent of the Sound team was Gaara. Sasuke was their ultimate weapon against the redheaded basketball demon. But if that weapon went soft…

Maybe it was time for Kidoumaru to inform Orochimaru-sama and... shake things up a bit.

* * *

Sasuke looked at his white palms. He grasped them tightly and opened them again. A slight pinkness rushed back to color his pale skin. Blood. Blood was flowing under his skin. 

The same blood that was flowing under Itachi's skin…

Sasuke slammed his hand against the bench. Tayuya jumped with surprise at the pale boy's sudden action. Trying to calm her quickened heart tempo, the pink haired girl spat, "Gah! Sasuke! What your deal today?"

"…" Sasuke didn't respond. As Tayuya continued to glare at him, he got up from the bench. The Uchiha turned and started to stalk away from the manager and off the basketball field.

"That's a damn good idea! Go cool your messed up head and, while you are at it, fix that attitude Uchiha!" Tayuya called after him, though she felt a little pathetic she was talking to a turned back. "Come back when you can fucking concentrate better."

Sasuke continued to walk, not listening. He was thinking about blood… his blood. Itachi's blood…

And, most of all, Naruto's blood.

* * *

The moonlight was trickling into the gym, giving the sleeping blonde's tan skin an ivory shine. His golden hair was scattered across his forehead. His long lashes cast shadows across his cheekbones. The dark haired boy and the red head watched the moon shade in the blonde's relaxed features. 

"Uzumaki Naruto." Gaara paused. "Uzumaki Naruto can't play basketball."

"Seems like it."

Sasuke was aware of Gaara at his side, also watching the blonde. He was aware of Gaara's rhythmic breathing. But the Uchiha was more aware of the deep breaths coming from the sleeping dobe. Naruto's lips were slightly parted, their moistness glossy in the yellow light. The small boy let out trickles of air till suddenly sucking them back. And he repeated this act over and over… Naruto was so alive. The blonde's beautiful breaths kept him alive…

…and it would be so easy to block the little boy's lips, suffocate the life from him with a forceful, sealing kiss.

Sasuke watched as Gaara leaned down to kiss the blonde's soft lips. Naruto's breath stopped short as the redhead's lips pressed against his. The sleeping boy's eyes fluttered for a moment but he didn't awake. Sasuke felt a shiver travel down his body as he watched Gaara's grip on the blonde's jersey tighten as the redhead pulled the blonde closer to receive his suffocating kiss.

Gah – the forceful, dominant redhead making out with a sleeping, vulnerable was so goddamn sexy – ! Sasuke felt his cock twitch at the erotic scene in front of his eyes, all the more intriguing dressed in suggestive moonlight continue in front of his eyes… Gaara's kissing skills had gotten even better though Sasuke would have sworn that Gaara's ability had already reached his peak all those years back –

But as the Uchiha continued to watch, the kissing scene before his eyes seemed to become dyed in a beating crimson. A pulsing was sounding was distracting the Uchiha from the rise and fall of the boys' chests, Sasuke frowned - trying to figure out what the pulsing was. What the thudding, threatening beat in his ears were…

And the answer soon became obvious.

Blood. Sasuke could somehow hear the pulsing of blood.

As if to congratulate the Uchiha's discovery of his natural bloodthirstiness, Gaara suddenly pulled away from kissing the blonde and moved his fingers deftly down the blonde's neck. The redhead pulled back Naruto's jersey and revealed his slick small shoulder. Moving his mouth down upon the tan skin, Gaara bit hard against the revealed flesh.

Sasuke watched fascinated, as the redhead did not relieve his bite on the blonde. Naruto whimpered in pain.

Before the Uchiha's dark, eager eyes, two droplets of blood slid down the blonde dobe's smooth skin…

And it was the most gorgeous thing the Uchiha had ever seen.

Sasuke took the blonde from Gaara's arms. The redhead smirked, satisfied that he'd managed to turn on the usually emotionless Uchiha. Pulling Naruto up in his own arms, the dark-haired boy leaned his head down to lap up the red drops of blood that balanced perilously on Naruto's skin. The blood tasted sweet and potent on his tongue.

Before he knew it, Sasuke was imitating Gaara's previous actions. He kissed the sleeping Naruto, almost experimentally, the essence of the blonde's blood still heavy on his tongue. A little dazed, Sasuke pressed his lips against Naruto's.

And the blonde, who had been limp in slumber during all of Gaara's kisses and the sharp bite, suddenly started in Sasuke's arms…

…to reply the Uchiha's kiss by firmly pressing back.

* * *

Gaara put a hand on Temari's shoulder, stopping her from breaking her hundredth and sixteenth pencil. The rest of the Sand team sighed greatly (and nearly fainted) in relief. Their blonde manager had almost run out of pencils and had threatened to move on to their necks if she'd exhausted her pencil supply before her brothers' return. 

"Gaara?" Temari blinked, surprised at seeing her redheaded brother by her side calmly stripping out of his jersey. If Gaara was back, where was Kankuro? Temari looked around for her other brother, but he was nowhere to be seen. Which meant… Gaara had come back on his own…?

Temari watched as Gaara stalk towards the basketball court and casually steal a ball away from a Sand player – who'd been fiercely guarding it from another Sand player in a heated practice match – and dribbled it leisurely as he joined in on the practice. Temari swallowed, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks despite herself. Gaara was very smooth – she'd give him that… but…

The blonde stared at the way Gaara's black t-shirt stretched tightly across his broad shoulders. Gaara didn't wear spandex shirts, preferring loose shirts that hung off his powerful frame. Temari frowned at her brother's suddenly changed fashion – all in the time frame of his returning from the boy's shower…

In conclusion, suspicious… very suspicious…

"Gaara-sama!" Yuki cried out, holding a handkerchief against his nose, as he swooned at the sight of the redhead in a tight black shirt. "I worship your new style – it makes you seem even more magnificent! – though I did not think such feat was possible!"

"Get a grip!" Hitoshi slapped the starry-eyed Yuki to the ground.

A puzzled Gaara tugged at his shirt, as if just now realizing that it was different from before.

"…"

Temari strained to hear his explanation as the redhead slowly opened his mouth when –

"Temari!"

The blonde turned around to see Kankuro and Komaja. Kankuro had an irritated frown on his face. And Komaja – Komaja was… Temari barely flinched as she interrupted the meaning of the basketball player's broken lip, swollen eyes, bleeding nose, torn torso and bruised legs. Despite all the heavy injuries, Temari noticed smugly that Kankuro had avoided any critical damage – Komaja was hurt but he could still play basketball. Which was good, because the boy did have an okay hook shot.

"A hundred laps." Kankuro pushed Komaja roughly forward. "If you don't die, you can still finish the season."

Komaja nodded and winced as pain surged up his black and blue neck. He agonizingly trotted off. The rest of Sand team barely breathed as they saw their injured teammate limp around the tracks.

"Anyone else thinks its funny to miss practice?" Kankuro asked his teammates, snaring.

The answer to his question was obvious as every boy turned back to his play hastily. Kankuro looked out toward the field and met Gaara's gaze. The redhead – who'd been the only one staring at Komaja with an entertained look – raised his eyebrow in amusement at his older brother. Kankuro nodded sharply and Gaara too turned back to practice.

"Must not have been something too bad." Temari smiled at her brother. "You didn't break any limbs…"

"I wouldn't have made him bleed, either," Kankuro replied offhandedly, stripping out of his own jersey to get ready for practice, "but the bitch he was with wasn't even hot."

"Ah." Temari asked, interestedly. "So where was he?"

"Under a bush."

"Not suave. It hurts to be fucked on top of twigs and shit." Temari nodded knowingly.

"Too much information." Kankuro muttered, shuddering as he tried not to imagine what the poor fate of the bastard that tried to sleep with his older sister outside was… if he was still alive to have a fate that is…

* * *

"Please, please, Ten Ten nee-chan!" Ino pleaded, on her knees. 

"No way!" Ten Ten snapped at the begging blonde girl, trying not to look straight into those green-blue puppy-dog eyes. The being-begged older girl (and the begging younger girl) both knew that if she did, she'd give in.

"I already told you it wouldn't work and I don't want to join your fan club!" Ten Ten cried.

"We are not asking you to join." Sakura insisted. "We are just asking you to help us with our plan!"

"I'm _especially_ not helping with a plan that obviously won't –"

"NARUTO!"

The door to the gym where the Konoha cheerleaders had been practicing (and Sakura had come with Ino to convince Ten Ten) suddenly slammed open, interrupting Ten Ten's words. In the afternoon light coming from the door was the alluring silhouette of a quickly breathing Hyuuga Neji.

"Neji-sama!" A collected cry instantly erupted from the Konoha cheerleaders as they recognized the incredibly pretty pale boy's identity as their favorite basketball player (and most of the girl's reason for being on the cheerleading team).

Neji, ignoring the shrieking girls, raced into the room and grabbed the shoulders of a small, blonde girl with a boy-cut. Oblivious to the fact that she was in a cheerleading outfit, the longhaired boy whirled her around.

"Naruto?"

The blonde cheerleader – obviously not Naruto – swooned and fainted at the proximity of the gorgeous Hyuuga. Neji immediately discarded the girl – who dropped to the floor with a thud – on realizing it was not Naruto. Breaking out of the cheerleader's grasps, the panicking pale boy raced out of the room.

"Wow. I've never seen Neji sempai act so crazy." Ino said, glancing sideways at a crestfallen Ten Ten. "He's crazy in _love_ with Naruto."

Sakura nodded, reading the stiffening expression on the older girl's face at Ino's remark, and adding mischievously. "Since Naruto's so popular with guys, it's only obvious that incredibly beautiful and fantastically gorgeous guy over there would worry about him and _not think about anyone else_."

"Yup." Ino agreed as Ten Ten continued to slowly become a rock. "It's _too bad_ we can't take care of Naruto's eligibility by pairing him with a guy powerful enough to keep all other searching guys at bay – like say, Sand's Gaara."

Sakura nodded again, more deeply for emphasize. "It _is_ too bad…" The pink haired girl stared up at the now twitching older girl – who looked like she'd acquired a severe tick. "If only we could get help with our plan…"

"Fine! Fine!" Ten Ten yelled out, making the pink haired girl and blonde jump. "I'll do it."

"Ten Ten nee-chan is the best!" Ino and Sakura cheered cutely.

Ten Ten glowered at the two giggling younger girls. "This is going to be _so_ embarrassing…"

* * *

Naruto wrapped his arms around the bigger boy's pale neck, gasping as Gaara nibbled at the soft flesh of the blonde's neck. 

"Nunnnn…Gaa…ahh……"

Naruto couldn't even properly form the other boy's name in his mouth, as the cool skin of the redhead's chest pressed against his own hot skin. Gaara's skin was so cold but he was so, so, so hot… The blonde's eager lips buried against Gaara's pale shoulder as Naruto kissed the curve of the redhead's smooth cool…

"NARUTO!"

Naruto jumped, dropping all the basketballs he'd been just barely balancing in his arms.

"Neji!"

The blonde blinked at the panting boy standing in the doorway of the training room. Naruto felt his face grow hot. After he'd parted with Gaara in the locker room, Naruto had come to get extra basketballs from the training room. But the blonde had been lost in memories of what'd happened with a certain sexy redhead just a few minutes ago.

"I was um… I kinda need help." Naruto fumbled, glancing around at the number of basketballs he'd somehow been balancing but were now rolling around the training room floor.

Neji sighed in relief, swallowing an utterance of thanks that the blonde was all right.

"It would have been faster to make two trips, Naruto." Neji said, helping Naruto pick up a stray basketball.

"Heh. Heh." Naruto scratched his head and laughed awkwardly. "You are right, Neji."

"You are such a dobe…"

The basketball in Neji's palm dropped on the floor and bounced away as the pale eyes looked up at the blonde.

"Neji?" Naruto asked. "Are you okay?"

The Hyuuga did not hear the blonde's words. He was busy noticing that the short sleeves of Naruto's black t-shirt were covering small boy's elbows and the round collar was clearly revealing too much of Naruto's tan shoulder. The length of the t-shirt stopped at Naruto's mid-thigh, as the blonde got worriedly to his feet to approach a startled Hyuuga.

Why was Naruto's shirt suddenly too big for him?

Neji's insides twisted as the Hyuuga tried to shun the obvious explanation that tormented his mind.

* * *

Author's Note: 

Muffled voice comes from behind thick door "It's a cliffie…kekeke…" followed by a sharp scream as Sasuke's shadow windmill pierces the wood…

Thanks for reading, hope to see you in chapter fourteen!


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Note: This chapter is much longer (almost twice as long) as the usual chapter. I guess I owe it to everyone for the long wait.

Enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Fourteen_

Naruto pushed his lips against the redhead's lips, desperately. Gaara wasn't kissing him back! He wasn't responding to the blonde's kisses… Naruto's heart pounded with panic as he kissed the stoic boy harder. Gaara wouldn't budge – almost indifferent to the fact Naruto's lips were on him.

Naruto felt tears swelling behind his closed eyes as he hugged Gaara closer.

Kiss me back. Please. Kiss me back!

A single tear escaped and traveled down the curve of the blonde's cheek.

Why aren't you kissing me back? Why aren't you kissing me back?

The tear traced Naruto's upper lip and brushed against Gaara's.

Why don't you move? Why don't you reply, damnit?

………

And finally, _finally _– just when Naruto thought he'd die from the frustration – Gaara kissed Naruto back.

Relief exploded through Naruto's body along with the power of Gaara's kiss. Naruto eagerly accepted the redhead's lips. The blonde struggled, now almost wrestling against the other, in a lip lock. But the force of Gaara's sudden kisses suppressed Naruto's in the end and the blonde found himself groaning lustily into the redhead's mouth as the bigger boy's tongue pushed into his own.

"Unnnn…" Naruto murmured, his chest burning as Gaara's tongue tangled roughly with his.

Locked in his kiss, everything was so goddamn hot – everything was so goddamn bright – !

"Aaahhh…aht!"

Gaara's hand went up Naruto's t-shirt, brushing forcefully against the blonde's hot skin. Naruto jerked at the cool sensation of the redhead's hand as a long, nimble fingers traced Naruto's left nipple. One touch of Gaara's fingertips against the sensitive spot was enough to banish all coherent thought from Naruto's dizzy mind and the blonde almost purred from pleasure.

At the sound, Gaara released the blonde from their kiss to grin.

Naruto shakily grinned back at the redhead – not knowing why the other boy was smiling – but glad to be the recepient of such a goddamn sexy smile. Then Naruto frowned as another thought popped into his head. Wait, was this a 'kissing was okay but let's stop now' smile or maybe – hopefully – an 'I have something else planned' smile? Gah! Naruto was wondering if he should ask when Gaara answered the pregnant question by deftly pulling Naruto's shirt over the dobe's head.

Ah… It was a 'I'm going to take off your shirt' smile… Naruto thought stupidly.

Now, Gaara's lips were on his again, crushing his lips with his own. He was supporting the blonde's back with his hand, pushing him closer. Naruto wrapped his arms around Gaara's head. In his empty mind, all he wanted was the feeling of the redhead's lips on his own – a single blind desire to touch. As he concentrated on pushing his lips as hard as he could against Gaara's, he barely felt sweat slide down his own temple.

Naruto felt Gaara's tongue slide into his mouth and brush his teeth. The blonde tried to pull the bigger boy even closer to him, wishing that the his slightly damp shirt didn't cover the silkiness of his skin. Gaara's tongue filled Naruto's mouth and tangled with the blonde's own, the redhead's lips were excruciating against the smaller boy's but Naruto wanted to suffocate - to smother - in this pain. He closed his eyes, not wanting to struggle against anything that Gaara wanted from him.

The delightful torture was far too brief as Gaara withdrew his tongue and moved his lips down to the blonde's neck. Gaara sucked against Naruto's neck, licking roughly away all the sweat that trickled down the blonde's neck.

Gaara jerked Naruto against the lockers as he got into a more comfortable position. His hot tongue trailed saliva down the curve of Naruto's shoulder, his collarbone, his Adam's apple. Naruto muffled a moan as he hugged Gaara's head more tightly, his fingers holding on to the softness of Gaara's red hair. Gaara's hand twisted Naruto's left nipple harder and harder as Gaara's licks on the neck turned to bites.

Naruto tasted blood in his mouth as Gaara moved his aggressive kisses down his front – he hadn't realized he'd been subconsciously biting his own tongue in the tight tension. The bigger boy smoothed his hot tongue across the tender flesh closer and closer to Naruto's hardened nipple. Not enough contact. Damnit. Not enough contact. Naruto's body arched forward. Not enough, not enough. His head screamed in the slow agony as Gaara continued to suck, bite, kiss, snuggle, lick all parts of him save where he was the most sensitive. Naruto wiggled in discomfort.

"Damnit asshole!" The blonde hissed, trying to pull the redhead closer. Gaara didn't budge and only paused in his kisses to smirk evilly at the smaller boy's tugs.

Naruto closed his eyes in complete frustration. Damn – please – wouldya – ah, ah...aht! Naruto writhed, his mind screaming.

Gaara seemed to respond oppositely to Naruto's silent pleas by alleviating the force of his licks. But when Naruto moaned again – desperately, urgently – the redhead couldn't hold back his own urges for the sake of his sadistic game. Gaara bit down on Naruto's nipple hard and the blonde choked out the blood that erupted in his mouth.

Not enough! Damnit, damnit! Still not enough –

Gaara saw Naruto's body rivet as he pulled away from him. The blonde was pleading with his gorgeous blue eyes to continue – and, of course, Gaara would - but he'd seen the blood fall down the golden tan face and the sight was too intriguing to ignore. Gaara leaned down to lick Naruto's blood almost tenderly away from the smaller boy's face.

Naruto whimpered at his touch and, when the redhead leaned his head down, whispered jaggedly, "Gaara – would you – would you – "

Naruto didn't finish his sentence but Gaara understood. He kissed the blonde's bloody lips lightly and moved down the tan frame to his left nipple. It was still red from his bite. Gaara licked the hard bud to soften it and took it between his lips, sucking it, biting it, licking it. He felt Naruto's body tremble as he held back his urge to groan and Gaara delighted in the smaller boy's shaking and aggressive trembling. He jerked Naruto forward, sucking harder and harder and harder.

Naruto wrapped his thin arms around Gaara's milky frame and buried his face in the other boy's shoulder. His moans were pressed against Gaara's skin as the redhead sucked, determined to make all of Naruto's shaking body know who owned it.

The blonde felt pain jolt him at every tug of Gaara's mouth but found that he was almost teary-eyed upon receiving the excruciation. He'd never felt anyone else so much. So alive. He was so goddamn alive in this pain. Naruto groaned into Gaara's shoulder, trying to brace himself against the bigger boy's sucking. Finally, the redhead released the blonde's nipple from his lips and Naruto panted against the Gaara's smooth forearm.

Gaara paused to pull his shirt over his head but Naruto didn't have time to admire the revealed milky, muscular chest before Gaara jerked the blonde's body forward again, this time taking his right nipple into his lips. Naruto accidentally let a yelp escape before he – embarrassed at the girlish sound he made – buried his face into Gaara's shoulders. His body shook as Gaara sucked him tightly.

"Ah, aaaaaaah, aaaaaaaaaaaht!"

Naruto breathed as Gaara's lips released him and he felt his chest throb with another new unfamiliar pain – wanting, wanting, wanting. At the new sound, Gaara threw him on his back again and silenced the smaller boy by kissing him, teeth crashing, his hands roughly pinning the blonde's shoulder down. Naruto parted his lips and Gaara's tongue entered through them and the blonde grunted, desperately trying to match the force of the redhead's lips.

SLAM! A loud bang of the door echoed from down the hall.

Gaara lifted his head, an annoyed frown creasing his pale forehead. Naruto lay immobile, his chest heaving. He tried to read the other boy's expression but it was difficult. He felt too dizzy looking up at Gaara. So dizzy and still so, so, so hot. He reached for the redhead, whimpering that Gaara'd left Naruto alone for a full two seconds.

But all of a sudden, Gaara was pulling away.

"He's coming."

At the redhead's matter-of-fact statement, Naruto reluctantly pulled himself up into a sitting position. Gaara grabbed a black t-shirt and tugged it on over his head quickly, hiding away his milky white frame. Naruto frowned disapprovingly and asked in aggravation.

"Who?"

Throwing Naruto the remaining shirt, the redhead quickly got to his feet. All of the blonde's thoughts were incoherent – his brain was still glazed over by his lust – but this one thought surfaced in his whirlpool of thoughts. Naruto's eyes flew wide open. Gaara was leaving?

Why the hell was Gaara leaving?

"Wait!" Naruto cried out, grabbing the redhead's arm.

Gaara smirked as he looked back at the so obviously disappointed dobe.

"Not now."

Leaning down, Gaara kissed – feather-lightly in sharp contrast to their previous passionate kisses – Naruto's forehead before turning to go out the door.

Naruto stood in the shower room for a minute, his insides twisting in confusion. Immediately, the feeling was replaced by utter dejection. Didn't Gaara want to… want to… ! Naruto bit his lips and looked down forlornly at his bulky pants… damnit…

DAMNIT!

Naruto's fist collided with the nearby locker, leaving a big dent in the metal door. Didn't that freakin' redhead want to do more than kiss? Like something where they stripped outta more than just shirts, huh? Like strip outta pants for example? Of course, the other stuff had felt pretty damn good. But, GAH!

What the fuck was that…? Gaara had made Naruto all turned on just to leave him without… without…

WHERE WAS THE HUMPING?!

Urgh, who the fuck wanted to be screwed by that asshole even if he was probably the sexiest thing that ever existed under the fucking sun, anyway?

Pulling on his own shirt – which felt oddly loose on his shoulders – Naruto furiously kicked the door to the shower room open (making the door tilt crookedly on the hinges). With that, the blonde – his cheeks bulging in an irate pout – stalked off to get some extra basketballs…

Just as he turned the corner, a certain Hyuuga appeared in that hallway…

* * *

"Naruto!"

No answer from the daydreaming dobe.

"Naruto!"

"Yeah!"

The blonde jerked up in his seat to see that the rest of the Konoha team – especially Neji – were staring at him worriedly. Naruto gave a hasty laugh, scratching his head in embarrassment realizing that he was fucking doing _that_ again.

Gah – ! Naruto had been thinking about that stupid cocky redhead with that dangerous killer intent vibrating so powerfully from the most brilliant pair of green eyes – GYAH! What was wrong with him, anyway? Naruto was even thinking about Gaara in that way again _while_ he was resolving _not_ to think about the sexy Sand player in just that way. What WAS his problem? Gaara was a guy. Gaara was part of the Sand. And Gaara was a fucking jerk who didn't even – who didn't even –

Damn! Naruto sank his face into his pillow and muffled a furious scream. The Konoha team was not even surprised by the blonde's one man drama (that they were used to).

Naruto was kicking himself inwardly. He'd been out of it all during practice the whole day. No wonder his team was worried. He had to get a grip. He was a tensai manager first and foremost. And he was not, not, not, not, not, not interested in being fucked by Gaara.

_At all_.

…

……

………

Yes, not even a tiny bit.

……

Okay, maybe a tiny, tiny, _tiny_ bit – but that was it! Naruto gritted his teeth in his resolve.

"Naruto!"

At Neji's voice – evident with concern – the blonde felt like a grade A ass. Here, he had all his teammates – all his _friends_ – anxious. Uzumaki – you have to snap out of it. Stop acting like an idiot!

Naruto jerked his head out of the pillow and flew into Neji's arms – determined to forget a certain redhead (who didn't even want to have sex – not that Naruto _cared_).

"Neji – sorrysorrysorrysorry..." Naruto murmured against the bigger boy's shirt.

"Wh-wha…" The longhaired boy cried out in surprise at the sudden action from the blonde as the rest of the Konoha team sighed in relief. It seemed like Naruto was back to his normal self. Whatever normal was for the blonde baka…

At that moment, a knock came from the door to the Konoha dorm room.

"Who could it be at this hour?"

When Kiba opened the door, he was surprised to see a blushing Ten Ten standing timidly in front of their room door.

"Er… Ten Ten sempai? It's… um… late." Kiba frowned, looking the girl up and down then glancing at his watch – which read 11:30.

Ten Ten almost died at even this subtle reprimand. Maybe she should go back. Maybe – no, not maybe, _definitely_ – this was a really stupid idea –

Just as the dark haired girl's will was about to fall apart, her eyes found Naruto snuggled in Neji's (very) willing arms…

And all of a sudden, she found herself pushing into the room and forcing on her brightest smile. Using her adrenalin surge to remember all the instructions Sakura and Ino had given her, Ten Ten recited – her smile cracking as she saw Naruto and Neji out of the corner of her eyes again – "So-rry-for-in-tru-ding-so-late-please-for-give-me-so-rry-but…"

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at Shino at the older girl's awkward act. Shino looked suspiciously at the older girl's expression changes. This time, Ten Ten was forcing a smile on her face.

"But I thought that we should have a scavenger hunt! Fun stuff, huh?!" Ten Ten, trying hard not to sound stiff, blurted.

All the boys' faces seemed to freeze in – not surprise – not annoyance – not irritation – but complete lack of expression – as if the boys did not comprehend what had just been so strangely uttered by the dark-haired girl. After a moment of this silence, Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, thinking of all the complexities women brought.

Sighing, he opened his mouth to explain the obvious reasons why such a suggestion was incredibly, totally, completely, entirely, fully, absolutely and _utterly_ out of place.

"Sempai. We had a late practice and a scavenger hunt is…"

"Really stupid." Kiba said, filling in the sentence. The spiky brown haired boy apologetically lowered his eyes. But he'd only just now realized the bizarre thing that Ten Ten had said was not a joke.

"Really sorry, sempai. We're just not interested."

Ten Ten felt her cheeks flush at all the physical signs of aversion for her idea that the boys were admitting. A potent violent 'no'. But looking at the identical confused expressions on Neji and Naruto's faces – what? They were over couple look and into couple _expressions _now? – she boldly blabbered on.

"It's for a…um… science project. I'll give everyone who finishes it a really effective sports drink – it's very good. Really."

When Ten Ten mentioned the sports drink prize, Chouji paused in munching potato chips for a moment to peer at Ten Ten with a slightly curious look. But the rest of the team stared at the girl as though a third arm was sprouting out from between the cheerleader's dark buns. Science project? During summer break? At 11:30 at night?

"Please – !" Ten Ten cast aside her pride – she was too mortified now to retain any pride – and begged. "It won't take very long and – "

Ten Ten blushed darkly, her words halting. How had she ever been fucking talked into this ludicrous plan? Why had she listen to Sakura and Ino –

"I'll do it."

Ten Ten blinked. Lee was smiling sympathetically at her and raising one green gym-suited arm.

"If it really won't take long… Ten Ten must have some reason she wants to do this."

At the bowl cut haired boy's – albeit reluctant – but relenting tone, Ten Ten felt relieved tears come to her eyes. While she silently thanked Lee in her mind, Shikamaru inwardly groaned at the older girl's glistening tears. Urgh.

As much as a scavenger hunt was troublesome, it was nowhere as troublesome as a crying girl. A woman in tears was too, too, _too_ troublesome…

"Count me in." Shikamaru barely subdued a groan.

At his friend's reply, Chouji nodded too.

"Yosh!" Naruto cried, slapping his fist into his palm. "As tensai manager, I have to check out all the effective sports drinks for y'all. I'll do it too!"

Ten Ten didn't fail to notice that as soon as Naruto yelled his consent, Neji tiredly gave a slight incline of his head to signify his own agreement. Her heart felt like it was being tormented by a thousand needles. Lee immediately noticed the twisting look on the girl's face and handed her a towel.

Ten Ten stepped out of the door, belted out one loud bawl muffled in the towel, wiped her nose, willed her face to not betray her misery and stepped back in – all in a split second. As she handed the soggy towel back to a used-to-it Lee, Shino gave a silent yes ("…") and Kiba – seeing that it would be faster to just get the whole damn senseless thing over with – agreed.

"Thanks." Ten Ten breathed, very relieved that she didn't have to make up other (stupid) reasons to gain the boys' (reluctant) consent. Heaving a long calming sigh, the dark-haired girl pulled out several scraps of paper from her bulging bag (filled with the expensive sports drinks she and Ten Ten and Sakura had pooled together to purchase) and being careful to hand all the boys – save Naruto – a slip of paper.

"Ten Ten sempai." Naruto spoke up, raising his hand like a school child. Ten Ten suddenly had an absurd urge to pat the little blonde on the head and immediately squelched such thoughts by reminding herself that it was this exact cuteness that had stolen Neji's affections away.

"What is it?"

"I haven't got one."

"Oh!" Ten Ten feigned an exaggerated look of surprise and uttered her pre-planned words. "I am so so sorry. Here…"

As the older girl dug into her pockets for the 'special' slip of paper, her plans were almost foiled by Neji naturally handing Naruto his own slip of paper.

"NO!" Ten Ten cried, hurling herself at the longhaired boy in a desperate attempt to stop him. Neji easily dodged out of the way and Ten Ten found herself sprawled on top of a very surprised Naruto, her breast planted firmly on the blonde's chest and her face crushed against his neck.

……

…

Silence dominated the room till all chaos broke loose.

Shikamaru, Shino and Lee held back a furious Neji – Lee screaming "Neji! Ten Ten's a girl! You can't hit her!" – while Chouji and Kiba watched as Ten Ten's face grow red as she realized the very compromising position and the fact that one of Naruto's hands were – though not on purpose – resting on her butt.

"Gyah!" Ten Ten shrieked in girlish indignation, pulling away from the furiously blushing blonde to slap him.

Chouji and Kiba had to help the other three hold back one incredibly irate Hyuuga.

* * *

Sakura waited, crouched in the dark. She looked at her watch and frowned. It was almost twelve and not even one of the two people that were supposed to arrive were here yet… The girl's wide forehead furrowed as she shivered from her position from behind the hedge she was hiding. It seemed like it'd rain the day after – the moon was completely covered in black clouds and Sakura couldn't really make out anything in the pitch dim…

The pink-haired girl smiled. Perfect. What was more romantic then being with someone you love during a summer storm? And especially if the rain lightened the summer heat, the lovers might have to hold each other really, really close…

Sakura giggled at the mere thought of it.

All of it would equate out to GaaNaru…

* * *

Ino looked at the letter she clutched in her palms. She was standing in front of the Sand dorm room where a certain redhead was said to be staying. And, despite herself and her want to make this work for Sasuke-kun, the blonde girl was very, very nervous. Her heart was clanking inside her chest.

Two reasons: First, she'd sort of written the letter in someone else's stead. Simply put, it was forgery – well-intentioned, but still forgery. Second, the plan she and Sakura (and an unwilling Ten Ten nee-chan) had schemed was that she was to talk directly to Gaara – to make sure he came.

The act of talking to the sexy, beautiful redhead alone would have delighted Ino. But Ino was scared of the consequences of such an act. Gaara was possibly the most closest actualization of a sex god that Ino had ever seen (save Sasuke-kun of course). Unfortunately, Gaara was also the closest actualization of a death god that Ino had ever seen as well…

In the end, Ino had half-chickened out. She'd settled for writing the redhead a letter.

Taking in a deep breath, Ino put up one trembling fist to knock when a voice made her jump.

"Who are you?"

Ino swiveled around to face the owner of the sharp authoritative voice and saw a buxom, sturdily built blonde. Ino recognized her as the manager of Sand's basketball team and quickly gave a polite incline of the head in greeting.

Temari instantly analyzed the scene in front of her. An apprehensive girl – quite pretty – wearing a Konoha jersey – must be a basketball _player_ fan… Temari gave a light snort. And judging by the way she clutched an envelope – obviously a love letter – and her standing – obviously terrified – in front of her brother's dorm room…

"You can put that here." Temari smirked, kicking a nearby hallway trashcan. "It's Gaara's personal mailbox."

Ino's eyes grew wide; she'd been covering the writing on the envelope with her hand. "H-how did you know it was for Gaara?"

Temari rolled her eyes at the obvious question. What other boy on the Sand team – what other boy anywhere, for that matter – could make a girl scared enough to pee in her shorts but still make her desperate (or desperately horny) enough to still want to give him a love letter?

Ino wrinkled her nose as she looked toward the trashcan. "I have to give this to Gaara."

"Trust me." Temari jeered, her patience wearing thin. "Gaara doesn't want it. Or you. Good bye."

The older blonde girl meant her farewell as an indicator for the younger girl to step aside. Ino didn't but insisted, "No, this isn't from me. It's from my friend."

Temari gave a sharp snort. This was why blondes were subject to vulgar jokes… "For your 'friend'. I see. Even if both you and 'your friend' – or all your friends for that matter – offered yourselves to Gaara to be fucked at the same time, he'd still decline."

"But this is from – " A very insulted Ino cried.

Temari roughly pushed Ino to the side, cutting her off.

"Go away before I lose my temper."

"Uzumaki Naruto!"

Temari stopped. She turned back to Ino, who was pushing the letter out toward the older blonde.

"It's from Uzumaki Naruto." Ino insisted. "Gaara might want Naruto – wouldn't he?"

Temari's face turned serious at the girl's question. Uzumaki Naruto, huh? Would Gaara want Naruto? _That_ was a very, very good question…

* * *

"Sorry."

Ten Ten's apology traveled around the finally order-restored room. The dark-haired girl glimpsed up at a certain seething pale boy – who was still glaring at her – and her heartstrings twang in misery. Shit! Neji was mad at her…

"Sorry, Naruto…" Ten Ten said to the blonde, ducking her head.

"It's okay." Naruto grinned – he was the only one cheerful though his cheek was still red from Ten Ten's slap since Neji was furious and the rest of the Konoha was harried from desperately restraining the Hyuuga from his over-protective, almost paternal urges.

"Let's finish this quickly, sempai." Shikamaru spoke up, tiredly.

"Ah…" Ten Ten whole-heartedly agreed – wishing dearly, dearly, dearly that she hadn't agreed to Ino and Sakura's plan – and fished out the last slip of paper to an eager Naruto.

Shikamaru's eyes narrowed as he looked at the scrap of paper in the blonde dobe's hand. The dark haired boy quickly sensed trouble. Ten Ten sempai's awkward acting – as if she was repeating something someone else had told her – the way that she'd arranged a 'scavenger hunt' out of the blue – how she'd taken all the paper out of her bag except Naruto's – as though she'd arranged to give Naruto a different scrap of paper from the beginning… Gah! This was so troublesome!

It was just too clear that Ten Ten sempai was trying to pull something on Naruto. Shikamaru didn't suspect the older girl of malice – she wasn't that kind of person – but she was close to Yanamaka Ino, who practically redefined troublesome by herself (a prime example would be that she still had his jersey). And the Konoha team captain had a sinking feeling that whatever Ten Ten had so obviously unwillingly gotten herself into had something to do with the mischievous blonde cheerleader.

Another thing was also too clear. Whatever it was, Neji would definitely not approve of it happening to Naruto. Shikamaru glanced up at the still angry Hyuuga glowering at Ten Ten and flinched. Troublesome with a capital T!

But he _was_ the team captain. It was his responsibility to keep track of what was going on; it was also his duty as the blonde's unofficial guardian to find out what was happening surrounding Naruto… which meant…

Shikamaru had to do something very very troublesome…

"Open your scraps of paper, bring back the item on it and I'll present you with the sports drink." Ten Ten said, looking nervously around at the basketball players.

"Oi, Naruto!" Shikamaru cried out, stopping the blonde just in time from unfolding his piece of paper.

"Heh?"

"Trade with me." Shikamaru tossed his own folded paper at the dobe.

Ten Ten's jaw nearly hit the floor in shock. But Naruto just laughed good-naturedly. "Scared you'll get a hard one, huh? Fine, fine."

As the blonde exchanged the pieces of papers, the older girl cried out. "Wait – but that's…!"

"Is there a problem, sempai?" Shikamaru asked, raising one eyebrow.

Ten Ten twitched at Shikamaru's lightly suspicious tone – damn the stupid genius! – and silenced at a sharp glare from Neji. Her heart sinking, Ten Ten just waved the question away.

"N-nothing…"

She'd never be talked into doing humiliating things by Ino and Sakura ever again! This plan is foolproof her foot!

Kiba opened his slip of paper and read dryly. "A pillow." He looked up at a blushing Ten Ten and pointed to his pillow lying nearby. Some scavenger hunt…

"Good job!" Ten Ten chirped – still dark red – and handed him a cool sports drink.

Kiba raised his eyebrow in incredibility – still not sure what this was about – and opened the can to drink.

"This is _good_." Kiba noted appreciatively, his light annoyance evaporating. "Thanks a lot, sempai. Sorry for giving you such a hard time."

Ten Ten thanked the brown-haired boy enthusiastically in her mind for his leniency.

Chouji hurried to be next. "A towel?"

The chubby boy easily plucked one off the floor and Ten Ten gave him a sports drink.

The routine was similar with Lee (a sock), Shino (a magazine or a book of any sort), Neji (a pen) and Naruto (a t-shirt). All the boys – appeased by the cool drinks (even Neji's dark mood had alleviated at the sight of Naruto happily gulping his refreshment) – watched a wary Shikamaru unfold the piece of paper.

"A ripped and dusty basketball." Shikamaru read, tiredly.

It would be redundant to note that there was none such anywhere in the room.

* * *

Author's Note: Please leave a review. Hearing what people think of my writing really is encouraging. Probably not only for me but everyone who writes. But, above all, I hope you liked this chapter and will be back to read more. 


	15. Chapter 15

Author's Note: We are finally at chapter fifteen everyone! Here's the answer to the semi-cliffie in the previous chapter. Hope you enjoy and tell me what you think! Readers, as long as you're there, I'll be here too.

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Fifteen_

Sakura felt her nose itch but she quickly sniffled her sneeze. Gah – ! Why didn't Naruto and Gaara show up already? The night kept getting darker and her eyes were starting to feel heavier. But no – ! She couldn't nod off to sleep now, not on her first GaaNaru mission.

For Sasuke-kun, for Sasuke-kun, for Sasuke-kun…

Her fervent player seemed to answer itself; at that moment, she heard the sound of scuffling dirt. Footsteps. Coming nearer. Sakura felt her heart start to pound as the figure walked directly toward the old equipment repair room. Ever since the new one was built, this building had been more or less abandoned – the fact that someone was coming this way meant that he was either Naruto or Gaara (though she couldn't really see which it was at all in the dark).

The thought of being close to either of these boys – even if darkness veiled her completely from whomever it was seeing her – made Sakura's heart throb crazily. Because Naruto just vibrated an almost luscious aura… And Gaara was – well, Gaara was – too sexy for words.

Sakura furiously shook her head as she saw the figure near her and enter the old repair room. Yosh! Now all she had to wait for was the remaining match and…

Sakura had to cover her mouth from giggling again in delight at the foolproof-ness of Ino's and her plan.

* * *

Shikamaru groaned as he shifted through the dark of the dusty repair room. He'd expected the night to be bright because it'd only been a few days since the full moon. However, it seemed like they were in for a storm tomorrow (Damn! They'd have to practice only indoors!). It was a great thing that he had excellent night vision and could see through shadows almost as well as most people could see through dim light. Otherwise without a flashlight he would have been completely lost – especially since the cramped old repair room had no windows, just a metal door, which he left open. 

He turned his digressing mind to the task at hand: finding a ripped and dusty basketball…

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. The only place a ripped basketball would be at a basketball camp was in a repair room – naturally, all teams tended to take good care of their equipment. Now, a _dusty_, ripped basketball would only be found in this abandoned repair room since the new one was in active use and ripped basketballs wouldn't stay there long enough to gather dust. Also – that meant Shikamaru couldn't just slash a basketball and trade it in for the soft drink (not that he would, but had he wanted to) because then the basketball would only be ripped and not dusty…

Shikamaru didn't want the sports soft drink – no matter how good and effective it was. Gah, it was all just too troublesome. But as team captain, he wanted to discover just what Ten Ten (and Ino, probably) had been up to that involved Naruto – especially cos Shikamaru had the feeling that Ino held a grudge over Naruto...

On his finding out, Shikamaru thought that he might be able to prevent further problems with Neji and the cheerleaders. The longhaired boy would be sure to get angry as soon as he knew some dark ploy had been conspired against Naruto. And the Hyuuga's rage was not, not, not something to be taken lightly.

Thus, Shikamaru was doing this troublesome (to the max) deed to stop an even more troublesome outcome…

So where the fuck was that a ripped and dusty basketball?

Shikamaru's eyes caught sight of a box labeled 'basketballs' and knew he'd found the object of his search. While he was busy searching through the pile of stretched orange balls for one that was ripped and not simply flat, a distinctly female voice cried out.

"Oi! Uzumaki!"

Shikamaru jumped and whirled around to see a figure standing in the dim light of the doorway. The girl – who was pigtailed with curvy outlines – stepped toward him. The Konoha team captain was about to reply when, suddenly, the door shut with a loud crash behind the girl.

The startled two were totally enclosed in complete blackness.

* * *

Temari had carried Uzumaki Naruto's letter firmly in her grip as she purposefully headed toward the old repair room. She'd accepted the letter from the stupid blonde girl, saying she'd relay it to Gaara. The girl seemed both suspicious (of Temari's intentions) and relieved (that she needn't talk to confront Gaara). And Temari, instead of giving the letter to her redheaded younger brother, had planned to meet Uzumaki Naruto on her own… 

Because…

Because that 0.000001 of her wanted to ask the blonde dobe what his feelings were for Gaara – whether they were impossibly special enough to rescue her brother from his darkness. And if Temari found this Uzumaki Naruto – though only 0.000001 of her believed in this possibility – she'd maybe _maybe_ extend to the unusual blonde short words of encouragement –

maybe even words of hope –

Temari shook her head fiercely. She was getting ahead of herself. And what's worse, she was getting soft! This was no time to become weak. She was coming here to make sure that some weird bastard hadn't somehow gotten it to his unworthy head to fall in love with her precious – crazed, but still precious – younger brother.

Temari looked at the note in her hand – though it was too dark outside to read. The note, she remembered, had said: Please meet me at the abandoned repair room at midnight.

Temari contemptuously thought it was – the letter was – extremely gay sounding. But since she knew that the poor dobe was suffering from overdoes of female pheromones, she graciously let the mawkish letter pass with only one negative mark to the blonde's grade

…

No, two. Definitely two negative marks. Midnight? Abandoned repair room? Did the strange blonde think that he was some sort of heroine in an old, outmoded shoujo manga? Gah – !

Temari wished that she'd thought to bring a flashlight. The night sky was unusually cloudy and everything was much too dark. When she'd arrived at the old repair room, she carefully entered the shadows of its entrance. Squinting, she managed to distinguish a boy's wide-shouldered figure scuffling around in the back of the room.

What was that dobe doing – ?

"Oi! Uzumaki!"

Temari called out, using her haughtiest, most callous tone to hide the tremble of – did she dare even think the word? – expectation that might be revealed in her voice. The boy jumped and turned sharply towards her.

Then the door to the repair room clanged shut.

Temari shrieked, as she turned around to see the very dim light seeping through the edges of the door fluidly disappearing as a terrific humming sound echoed from the outside. It almost sounded as though – but it wasn't possible that – why the _fuck _would anyone –

The boy confirmed her doubts by exclaiming in shock, "WHY THE FUCK IS SOMEONE WELDING THE DOOR SHUT!"

* * *

Sakura happily ignored the surprised – and furious – exclamations echoing from within, except to note that Naruto's voice was even girlier than she'd remembered. Gaara and Naruto were obviously trying to bust out of the room… 

Ha ha! Not a chance!

The old repair room had one quality that was better than the new – the door was metal and three steel bolted bars that could only be unlocked with the complex combination (Sakura had just barely been able to memorize the long numbers using her wide-forehead granted brainpower) from the outside. It provided _maximum_ security.

Had that been the only preparation they'd made, there might still be need to worry that Naruto and especially Gaara would somehow muscle out of the old repair room. So, Ino and Sakura had layered the cracks in the walls with instant-dry cement the night before in preparation. Not only that, Sakura'd borrowed a very high-powered (and highly dangerous) torch from a metal artist that lived on her block and had melted the metal door onto its metal flame. Even if an interfering outsider discovered the imprisoned couple, they'd still have to stay there for an uncertain number of days while someone cut them out.

Of course, they wouldn't starve to death. Sakura and Ino had made sure of that by buying forty-six packages of instant rice, twelve boxes of fried shrimp, twenty containers of ready-made noodles and another huge box of snacks to tide them for the couple of days they would have to stay there.

Pretty sure that the two were trapped – after all, Gaara and Naruto would be happy to be together and wouldn't try too hard to force themselves out, would they? – Sakura dusted her hands of her labor. She carefully inspecting the door for any opening she hadn't welded with her flashlight (which she could use now that her hiding time was done). When she found none, Sakura turned to report their first successful GaaNaru mission to a probably eagerly waiting Ten Ten and Ino.

* * *

"What the hell?!" Temari hollered, banging her fist against the unmoving metal door. 

Shikamaru echoed the girl's question as he shouldered the door aggressively. The metal vibrated violently but did not give way even slightly. GAH! This was the EPITOME of troublesome – it would be less troublesome to have let Hyuuga beat up three cheerleaders – !

"LET US OUT GODDAMNIT!"

"THIS ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY!"

"OPEN UP SO I CAN FREAKIN' TWIST YOUR NECK YOU STUPID BLONDE!"

"TEN TEN SEMPAI! INO! C'MON!"

After a couple of more threats, both Temari and Shikamaru realized that whoever had locked them in had left long before. Both irritated, tired and above all, astonished, sank to the floor of the repair room and sat there looking into the dark trying to decipher for the life of them how this had suddenly happened…

How a psycho had imprisoned them in pitch-blackness…

A long period of silence passed before Temari broke it at last. The blonde girl squinted furiously into the complete dark – not a single beam of light entered the room. When she couldn't make out the boy next to her, she reached out and fingered his face and shoulders.

Shikamaru sweatdropped as a girl – he was sure it was a girl by the silhouette he'd briefly seen before all light was sealed away – poked his cheekbones and forehead and patted his neck and shoulder (and not to lightly either…)

What the fuck – ? What happened to that one rule about personal space?

Temari observed by touch that the boy next to her was both too tall and too broad to be the female pheromone-carrying blonde. Which meant…

"You and the blonde bitch tried to set Gaara up!"

The infuriated blonde girl would have served Shikamaru a super punch, but on the account of her not being able to see anything, she slugged the air and – by the force of her thrust – fell face first into the boy's lap. Her nose hitting – hitting…

…

……

………

"GYAH!" Temari screamed, pushing herself off and – using the indignant female instinct of an anime girl who's accidentally stumbled into an embarrassing situation – struck Shikamaru's cheek squarely even in the complete darkness.

Shikamaru's face was red – though it was impossible to see. One of cheeks was redder than the other from the impact of Temari's hardly gentle slap, but mostly they were red from embarrassment. His…his…well, um, important part had been poked at by some strange girl's face… gah! This was a different kind of troublesome –

"Who the hell are you!"

"Identify yourself!"

Both questions were uttered together. Temari glared at where she thought the boy would be sitting while Shikamaru tried to massage a serious migraine. Suddenly, the dark-haired boy observed a strange thing with his superior night vision. That seemed like…

"What are you doing? You are going to crash into something!" Temari warned as the boy stood up and walked toward another section of the room. She could hear him rummaging around and was about to ask him what he was doing again when suddenly light flooded the room.

Temari closed her eyes tightly from the sudden bright light as Shikamaru examined the room critically. If it had been any lighter that night, he'd have noticed immediately upon entrance. The room was nowhere as dusty as it should be. And a lot of the boxes had even been neatly piled away – as if someone had cleaned the room.

Why would anyone clean an unused room…!

Not only that, he'd just now discovered eight battery powered fishing lanterns; they'd be able to light the small room, though not brightly, for nineteen days and thirteen hours – if there wasn't one with a faulty battery. Of course, Shikamaru had no intention of staying here for that long. First, he'd get too hungry –

Speaking of hungry. He sniffed a slight essence of food. Ah – there! Shikamaru opened a huge box – too crisp and new to have been originally here in the room – crammed with snacks. He suspected the other two new boxes it was piled on were filled with food. All this summed into only one conclusion…

Those stupid, troublesome as hell, girls – !

They'd planned to lock Naruto up with this strange girl – probably with some obscure plan of getting them to fall in love or something – ! Just like girls – they somehow get it into their head that forcing two people to share time together will get them to fall in love. What was that… The quality time thing? Didn't they ever think of the possibility that all that time could make it so that the two people could grate each other's nerves so much that they might despise each other for being so damn troublesome!

Shikamaru decided it was both a good thing and a bad thing that he had replaced Naruto for this fate. It was a good thing cos Neji would have been furious to an extent where it'd be near impossible to stop him from committing violent, bloody murder on all person's involved. It was a bad thing cos, had it been Naruto locked up, Neji probably would have produced enough adrenalin to muscle through any metal door…

By that time, Temari was by Shikamaru's side and peering critically into the boxes.

"Where are we supposed to go to the bathroom after consuming all this?"

…

……

………

Shikamaru hadn't thought of that yet. He looked around the cramped room and thought of the consequences if any of them went to the bathroom here…

No need to picture it. The conclusion was one, implicit but so completely understood by both Temari and Shikamaru.

_They HAD to find a way out!_

* * *

Ten Ten rushed down the halls and passed a pink-haired girl, running down the hall in the other direction. Ten Ten skidded to a stop. So did the pink-haired girl. They turned to face one another and cried out. 

"Sakura?"

"Ten Ten?"

At that moment, a blonde girl – also flying at top speed – plowed straight into the pink-haired girl's back.

"Ow – ! "

"What the – !"

"Sakura?"

"Ino?"

"Ten Ten?"

"Sakura? Ten Ten?"

"Ino? Sakura?"

"Ten Ten? Ino?"

When the girls had finally identified and confirmed themselves, they opened their mouth in union to explain the outcome of their night's efforts when –

"Where is he?" Lee's worried voice echoed through the halls.

"I shouldn't have traded with him." A trembling, guilty whine.

"No, Naruto, it's a good thing you traded with him…" Ten Ten recognized Neji's quiet, strong voice.

"What do you mean, Neji?" Naruto asked.

"Gah – ! It's Shikamaru. He wouldn't do anything stupid like you would, dobe."

"NANI – ! Kiba – "

"Shut up! Where's Shikamaru!" Ino swallowed. That voice – seriously pissed – was definitely Chouji's…

All three girls ducked behind a door as the Konoha team made their way down the hallway. They didn't share a word but the two younger girls stared in confusion at the one madly blushing older girl. Ino and Sakura peeked out from behind the door and saw all the boys fervently searching for Shikamaru and calling out his name.

As the boys passed, Ino and Sakura were getting ready to confront Ten Ten about her now obviously revealed mistake when the Sand team appeared around the corner of the hall. Leading them was Kankuro and standing next to him – slightly bored – was the incredibly, sexy redhead himself.

"Where's Temari?" Kankuro fretted. "She'd never miss a meeting – especially one she called."

Gaara smirked in reply and waved one lofty hand at his teammates, giving them permission to disperse and search for their manager. On his signal, the boys instantly scattered and timidly called out their manager's name. All three girls – forgetting themselves for a split second – gurgled silently at the redhead's innate aura of control.

At that moment, one (foolish, foolish) back-up center whispered to his neighbor, "This sure beats having a meeting."

Kankuro – on hearing this – did not hesitate slamming the boy into the nearest wall and breaking his nose.

Gaara seemed to be a little relieved of his boredom by the sight of blood and was smiling a dangerously sexy smile as he motioned everyone to move on. Kankuro ordered the boy to go back to the room and clean up his bleeding nose. All three watching girl's swallowed fearfully as the crowd of boys dressed in impressive gold and black passed.

Silence prevailed as all three girls choked on realizing what'd happened.

Sakura summed up the same conclusion that they'd all arrived at by whispering, a little frightened, "I – um – I locked – "

"Temari." Ino interjected.

"And Shikamaru." Ten Ten added.

"– in the old repair room for at least three days!"

All three girls stared at each other in horror. And, as one, turned to hurry to the scene of their crime.

* * *

"Give me some shrimp." Shikamaru gestured with his wooden chopsticks. 

"Sure." Temari fished over one open container. "Pass me some seasoned noodles, would you?"

"This?" Shikamaru asked, with his mouth full.

"No, no. That's sesame flavored." Temari pointed. "The one with the spicy sauce – in the red package."

"Here you go." Shikamaru handed the blonde girl the indicated package.

After they'd examined the old repair room and had deemed it almost impossible to break out of – but Shikamaru hadn't yet worked out all the possibilities he'd thought up yet – they'd rationally sat and decided to eat. Food was fuel for thought after all.

"Your name is?" Shikamaru asked, after swallowing the shrimp in his mouth.

The blonde girl looked up at him – a little suspiciously at the question – but after the pause, willingly replied, "Temari. Yours?"

"Nara Shikamaru." The dark pony-tailed boy replied, remembering. "You are the manager of the Sound team."

"And you are the captain of the Konoha team." Temarireplied.

Both nodded in recognition and went back to eating. Till Temari interrupt the sound of chewing this time by tossing a rumpled paper in front of the other boy. The trick 'love letter' the stupid blonde had given her.

"Explain."

Shikamaru paused in picking up another piece of shrimp with his chopsticks and took up the letter. Quickly skimming it – and instantly recognizing Ino's handwriting – the lazy boy groaned at how Ino always managed to expend the meanings of troublesome.

Temari analyzed the meaning of the groan and narrowed her eyes. "That stupid blonde was trying to play matchmaker, is she? Using that other stupid blonde dobe as bait! Well, in that case – why are you here in Uzumaki's place?"

"I don't have to tell you that till you tell me what your relationship with Naruto is." Shikamaru answered instantly.

"Fine." Temari said slowly, weighing the disadvantages and advantages of the information about to be shared and coming out even. It was no loss to tell. "My relationship with that runt is nonexistent. I'm also here in someone's place."

"Ah – " Shikamaru's brows furrowed. _Someone_'s place, huh? This girl didn't give anything for free, did she? Talk about one dangerous woman…

"Your turn." Temari ordered.

"I caught on to the scheme a little – though obviously I didn't know enough to prevent this disaster." He gestured around the dark room. "And came cos I thought I could prevent Naruto's getting into trouble."

"Why are the members of the Konoha team so protective of that blonde dobe?" Temari wondered out loud.

"Can't answer." Shikamaru replied offhandedly. "Till you tell me who you are here for and why as well."

The blonde girl met the dark-haired boy's eyes. This boy was smart, wasn't he? Temari sniffed. Didn't seem like a freshmen at all… Arrogant jerk.

But never mind the boy… Temari frowned, thinking about exchanging information. Her first instinct was to answer no. Telling her story was too heavy a burden on her part. She'd have to tell what happened to her family – what happened to Gaara – and that was just too – just too –

Gah! She didn't even want to think it!

But maybe, maybe if – Temari shuddered – Gaara did kill Naruto like he had that… that other time… then it'd be important to know what kind of reaction the overprotective Konoha team would make in retaliation. Not only that, it might serve as sort of an indirect warning – through Uzumaki's concerned team captain – to the blonde as well. Temari didn't care whether Naruto lived or died. But Shikamaru would make the blonde stay away from her brother if that stupid Uzumaki really wasn't serious about his damn feelings…

Maybe she could find out everything she'd come here to find out in the first place.

As Temari was about to open her mouth to answer Shikamaru's seemingly careless question, she heard loud banging on the door and girlish cries of "Shikmaru! Shikamaru!"

"Ino?" Shikamaru stood up.

"Sorry! I'm so sorry – Shikamaru!" Temari heard the blonde's voice cry. "We'll get you out – don't worry."

Temari gritted her teeth at that – who's dammed fault was it that they were fucking in here the first place!

"Shikamaru!" Shikamaru identified it as Ten Ten sempai's voice. "I didn't know this part of the plan – I swear I didn't. Sakura – "

"I didn't do it on purpose!" A third girl's voice interrupted. Then, "But I'll get you out! I called someone who can help. We'll have you out of there – three days max!"

"Three days!" Shikamaru and Temari exploded at once.

"Ah – ah – ! Um, two. He'll be able to do it in two days!" The flustered girl corrected.

"How are we supposed to go to the bathroom?"

"How are we supposed to wash?"

"What about practice? How am I supposed to practice basketball?"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT MY MANAGER DUTIES?"

The silence that answered them signified clearly that the three girls hadn't thought about these problems yet.

"We'll do something!" Sakura cried on the verge.

"No – tell Kankuro! Go and tell Kankuro where I am!" Temari yelled, furious at their lack of foresight.

And, again silence. Temari wondered if the girl's hadn't heard them but in truth, the three cheerleaders were picturing Kankuro slugging them in the face with the same dangerous punch. The three girls paled and three hands went to three noses. All thought that they liked their nose bone to stay whole.

"_We_'ll do something." Ino stressed 'we'. "Please hang on a little! Please!"

"You can't be serious!"

"We'll be back! Wait, wait!"

But the third silence that answered them again signified that the guilty cheerleaders had now fled.

* * *

Author's Note: I'm sorry I haven't been good about updating. But, the next chapters will have faster pace (and faster updates) because we'll finally get to see into Naruto and Gaara's pasts. Yes, for real this time. Can you not feel my aura of good intention? Lol. 

Please send me your surmises or any ideas or anything else – ! (And for people who are greatly disturbed by dark and bloody, next chapters aren't really… um, well… cheerful, so, it's for the plot of the story, but just in case you mind, I don't really recommend it? Also, I can't confirm what the pairing will be because that'll take away from the ending I was planning (oh my god – author actually has some idea what she's doing with this fic!) So, yes, we'll just wait and see…)

As always, I would be ever so pleased to hear from you. Hope you liked this chapter and I'll hopefully see you in the next!


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note: Please believe me when I say this was a difficult chapter to write. But I figured it was really time to reveal some parts of our character's mysterious pasts. This chapter is about Gaara's (which, I'll warn you now, isn't exactly the brightest, happiest childhood one could ever have (complete understatement)).

Well, I'll let you read. I hope you enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Sixteen_

The redhead stared at the scene in front of his eyes, his brain not comprehending, not understanding, not functioning in any way to interpret what lay so blatantly before his two wide lime-green eyes. And as a result, he didn't know what to do. Gaara – blessed with the best reflexes on his basketball team – didn't know how to react to the sight of the two naked forms before his eyes.

It was the smell that finally reached him. He knew this smell, so powerfully present, so completely clinging to the air of the room. Gaara's mind could link this smell with white blankets – with piles of cast aside clothing – with a certain raven-haired boy's deep-throated sensual groans.

Yes. This was definitely the smell of sex.

And Gaara finally realized after that long silence what he'd now accidentally intruded on. He was seeing his mother being filled up by…

His uncle.

The realization sent a hot surge of panic through the thirteen-year-old's paralyzed body. One minute – nothing. The next minute – everything – every goddamn thing that he knew – redefined in a way that he didn't want to accept – not at all. And Gaara's burning chest burst out a hysterical, very uncharacteristic high-pitched scream as he climaxed in his warped feelings.

His mother's purring and his uncle's gasping were completely drowned in this sound of Gaara's self-control shattering into miniscule pieces. He stood in the doorway of his mother's private parlor – shrieking, shrieking, shrieking at discovering her incestuous affair. The shrill sound finally broke Yashamaru's smooth, sweaty body away from his mother's equally sweaty one.

"Gaara!" His mother cried out.

"Gaara, please be quiet! Stop!" Yashamaru ordered, pulling the covers up to shield his mother's naked breasts.

But Gaara didn't stop. He didn't stop. He didn't stop screaming until he felt a heavy hand drop on his shoulder. Gaara choked back a next flood of screams at the sight of the paling features of Yashamaru and his mother and the sensation of that weighty hand. His eyes traveled up the arm of the owner of the hand and saw the one thing that could make his discovery deliver a worse impact.

His father stood beside him, callously looking on to the scene with the most indifferent eyes – emotionless eyes.

"So…" He said offhandedly, as if observing the weather. "So, that's how it is."

His mother gasped in a strangled voice at the sight of his father. Instinctively, Yashamaru pushed his body in between his sister's and her husband's.

"There's no need for that. Don't make such a racket." His father hissed and his mother instantly bit her tongue. Yashamaru's form was quaking in fear at Gaara's father's insensitive words. Turning his head to his redheaded son, his father said slowly. "You too, Gaara. Stop your insane screaming."

With that his father pulled Gaara's shoulder roughly back.

"Finish whatever it was you were doing, Yashamaru."

With that, his father closed the door. He ignored his wife's belated apologies and Yashamaru's desperate pleas. He pushed Gaara roughly out of his way and turned to stroll down the corridors of the mansion. Because his back was turned, Gaara only saw his indifferent back and felt his stomach twist at his disgusting apathy. He didn't see that his father's features – shadowed and without eyes looking – were twisting and cracking –

Were breaking…

* * *

Gaara fumbled with his cell phone. Jaggedly cursing under his breath, he dialed the only number he'd ever bothered to memorize. The phone played Papa Roach's _Blood_ – the colored ring on Sasuke's cell phone. 

_I will forgive but I won't forget  
And I hope you know you've lost my respect  
_

Pick up bastard. Pick up!

_You better watch out  
If you don't know what's going on around you_

Why wasn't that asshole picking up! Gah – ! Gaara needed Sasuke now. Gaara _needed_ Sasuke _now_…

_You better think twice  
Before you fry off the handle and lose it_

He needed to here his best friend's voice. Just something to tell him that not everything had changed. That yesterday was just as same as today. That today would just be the same as tomorrow.

_You better join us  
Before you get lost in the shuffle_

Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!

_You better rise against  
The demons that are gonna try and hold you down  
_

Practice! The explanation suddenly appeared in the redhead's mind. Sasuke was at practice – basketball practice. That's right… That's where Gaara was supposed to be at that moment. He'd forgotten it in the day's unnatural events. Fuck. Fuck.

Gaara picked up his coat. He'd go meet his best friend at the school gym. Yes – that was it. The redhead flipped his phone closed, the last pieces of the color ring of the unanswered phone echoing in his ear

_Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?  
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?  
The ones you love, the ones you love, the ones you love  
_

* * *

Sasuke's face lit up at the sight of a familiar redhead, waiting for him in the cold parking lot of their school. 

"Oi! Gaara!" The Uchiha waved. "Why'd you miss practice? Coach is fucking furious!"

The said boy's head snapped up at Sasuke's call and – without answering – hurried toward him.

The pale boy frowned at the sight of Gaara's shivering form – why wasn't he wearing a coat during the early frost? His forehead creased more when he saw Gaara uncharacteristically trip in his hurry towards him.

"Gaara?" Sasuke rushed forth to meet the redhead. His stomach twisted. Something must be seriously fucked up to make Gaara miss practice and look so completely – completely perplexed – so unlike his usual self.

"Is something wrong?"

In reply, the redhead grabbed the necktie of Sasuke's school uniform and jerked the taller boy's head down toward his own to press his lips firmly against Uchiha's.

Sasuke's eyes flew open in surprise at Gaara's sudden kiss. This was Gaara – the Gaara that scoffed all forms of public display of affection – even more than Sasuke did himself? This was Gaara who thought emotion was a sign of weakness? This was Gaara who was probably the only boy alive who could keep his face stony while screwing someone? Something must be seriously fucked up. _Seriously_ fucked up.

But that fear became the second worry in Sasuke's mind as the smaller boy desperately pushed his freezing lips against the Uchiha's. Sasuke felt his mind grow hazy as everything else became less important than the hot sensation curling inside him and feeling every space within him with hotness. Gaara wanted Sasuke.

And Sasuke wanted Gaara.

The Uchiha did not hesitate in kissing back any longer, matching the redhead's forceful pushes. He only paused once to flick off all the passerby and send them scattering with a sharp glare.

* * *

"Was something the matter, Gaara?" Sasuke asked on a second thought. The dark-haired boy and the redhead were sprawled side by side on a mattress in the darkened gym – the warmed site of their past hour's love making. 

The Uchiha rolled over on his side to look at Gaara's features in the dark. The redhead's usually stoic face was twisted into a grimace and his black-ringed eyes stared unblinking into the dark ceiling. Sasuke smoothed Gaara's undisturbed white brow with his palms. The two boys continue to lie, breathing in the other's smells.

Finally, Gaara spoke. His voice was strained of any indication of feeling. He just said simply. "It's all fucked up. The world."

"Hmm." The dark-haired boy only murmured in answer. Sasuke didn't ask what was fucked up because he knew it didn't matter. He reached out a long pale arm and pulled the redhead closer. Gaara leaned his head on the bigger boy's firm shoulder and closed his eyes on the world.

"…and I don't give a damn right now." Gaara rubbed his face into Sasuke's warmth. "I don't give a damn."

"That's good." Sasuke soothed, kissing the redhead's forehead. With the essence of Gaara upon his lips, the Uchiha fell promptly asleep. Gaara looked up at the sleeping face of his lover and smirked.

There was still sex. There was still Sasuke

So it didn't matter. It didn't matter.

* * *

Temari knocked timidly on Gaara's door. Her dark eyes betrayed nothing of the past weeks of hardships she'd suffered. But she had suffered because during the past six weeks nothing had happened. Nothing _outward_, at least. 

Temari herself had known about her mother and her uncle's relationship nearly two months now. She'd bitten her tongue and had pretended to see nothing. It was easy because it was an affair she'd been suspicious of since she was very young.

She remembered very vaguely her first consciousness of the existent incest. It was Gaara's fourth birthday. Her father was in the middle of an important state affair and absent from the lavish party held for his third child. Her father was an illustrious member of the Japanese diet and a leading representative in the Sangjin – thus always busy. Too busy.

But Yashamaru was there. Temari remembered that he gave Gaara a basketball. It was funny to see her little redheaded brother, the ball precariously clutched in his unstable grasp, waddle over to the basketball hoop. The basketball court in their backyard was her father's present to Kankuro on his fifth birthday – though he hadn't been home to present it.

It was amazing though. Gaara looked like he'd drop the ball the next second. But he somehow tossed the ball high – almost three times his height – and the ball fell in through the hoop. Everyone present was astonished into silence. Gaara – feeling that he'd done something right – performed the terrific feat again and this time earned the cheers of all who were present.

And Temari had seen Yashamaru lean close to his sister – her mother – and give her a peck on the cheek.

"He's wonderful, nee-san." Yashamaru's pretty features curved into a peaceful smile. "Thank you so much."

It would seem like only a friendly gesture from a younger brother to his older sister about his nephew. But Temari somehow knew that was wrong. It wasn't friendly. It wasn't just friendly…

But always after that, whenever Gaara did something spectacular, it was the same scenario. When Gaara placed head of his elementary school graduating class, when Gaara was scouted into a prestigious sports middle school, when Gaara and his best friend Sasuke had led their team to nationals, Yashamaru had given her mother that same short kiss.

"He's wonderful, nee-san. Thank you so much."

Thank you not just for Gaara. Thank you for her mother's love. Thank you for their love.

So Temari, always so shrewd, had known early on. And when she'd witnessed hot, fleshy evidence of their love, she'd let it be. She'd just worried that everyone would soon know – her father would soon know. And he had found out, six weeks before. Gaara, Kankuro and her father all knew.

But did nothing.

Temari suspected that Kankuro too probably knew a little before hand, like she had. But Kankuro was built in layers – he had one emotional and mental barrier after another. He was a lot like Temari in that way. He'd developed that skill living as an older brother to a certain tensai redhead. Temari and Kankuro were both incredibly skilled in school and sports. Just not as much as Gaara. Never as much as Gaara. And they'd learned to accept it; to live in layers.

But Temari had worried about Gaara a lot. Her arrogant youngest brother – who didn't express pain even when he felt it – wasn't used to situations where he was swept up by fate's tide. Gaara liked control. But in this situation, he didn't have any control of what was going on.

Temari had been concerned that Gaara would simply let this matter rot his insides. But Gaara seemed to be getting on well. He seemed to be spending a lot of time with Uchiha Sasuke. The two boys together obviously did not mean something along the lines of a study group, but that was okay. Gaara's partial denial of their mother's incest was still much better than their father's reaction.

Because her father really did nothing. It was absolutely frightening. A tornado was scary; the seconds before the tornado struck were scarier. In that way, Temari knew her father would have his revenge somehow. He didn't allow any sort of betrayal.

She remembered once when one of her father's supposed supporters had been revealed to be a spy sent from an opposing party member. The 'supporter' had tried to deface her father by spreading an unrepeatable unscrupulous during election time after getting his hands on some private documents. The next thing Temari saw of that man was reading about how he was killed by a radical nationalist after being sentenced for treason.

It was her father's doing, though the paper didn't say.

Her uncle Yashamaru worked as her father's secretary. He lived in her father's mansion. And he had betrayed her father by stealing what was his father's possession – her mother. Temari shivered, anticipating the bloody conclusion that this whole situation could only lead to.

Temari shook her head to clear it of all these stray thoughts and knocked more loudly on Gaara's door.

"Yeah? What?"

The door opened and her younger brother offered her a sleepy and annoyed frowned.

"Father wants you. Now."

His sleepiness was immediately cured and Gaara stared at his sister with wide lime-green eyes. He swallowed. And nodded.

* * *

The redheaded boy stood awkwardly in his father's spacious office. He looked nervously up at the cold-faced man but his father seemed not to notice his son's discomfort. 

"Gaara." His father spoke curtly. "Your mother is ill."

Gaara nodded briefly. His mother was grasped with fear of her deeds – fear of what her husband was waiting to do to her. His uncle came often to repeat to his father that none of it was his mother's fault and the blame was all on him. And his father was indifferent – as if he didn't care who fucked his wife –

As if he didn't care who fucked his wife…

These whole past weeks were filled with that kind of feeling – fear, dread, anger, coldness. No action. Just the cruelest of human emotions wrecking havoc on his mind.

"Here."

Gaara's father gave his son a thick envelope and a slim jar filled with white powder. Gaara looked at the objects in his hand curiously.

"I want you to take her away, Gaara." His father explained. "Take her to a hospital in the country. The medicine in the jar is for her migraines – give them to her in small doses." His father tapped the elegant glass container and continued. "Stay with her till she is well, Gaara." He paused and looked straight into his son's beautiful features. "I place her in your care."

Gaara flipped the envelope open and saw the money that stuffed it. He heard his father's words. And he felt – he felt – the merciful shower of relief. His father's wrath was stillborn!

"Yes sir." Gaara replied, his usually calm voice a little more animated in his good mood.

His father allowed a small, pleased smile to grace his cold features.

"Good boy."

* * *

_Cause I'm not a pawn for you to play in your fucking game  
I've got dignity and I dream that I want to change_

Gaara frowned, his cell phone pressed against his ear. Sasuke wasn't picking up and Gaara found himself listening to the color ring again. It wasn't practice this time; they'd finished practice an hour ago. And the Uchiha wouldn't be asleep at this time – he better not be since Gaara had told him that he'd call.

The redhead gritted his teeth and continue to wait for his best friend to pick up his cell.

_The pressure, your troubled and you let me down  
I'm not deaf and all I hear is your empty promises  
_

Gah – ! Damn the stupid bastard – where the fuck was he? Gaara'd wanted to see him before he went with his mother to the hospital in the country that his father had suggested. This meant Gaara wouldn't be able to see Sasuke for a week – at least. Especially since Gaara and Sasuke had been spending – cough – quality time more and more often lately, his dark-haired friend's absence weighed even more on the redhead's troubled heart

Stupid Uchiha… He better have a damn good excuse. Or Gaara would never give him a blowjob again… Okay, well, maybe that was a little severe – for both of them... But – still! Gaara would be really, really pissed.

_Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?  
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?  
The ones you love, the ones you love, the ones you love._

Gaara flipped the phone shut, silencing the music.

* * *

"Gaara." His mother called out to him from her bed. 

"Yes." Gaara looked up from the sports magazine he'd been reading at his mother's bedside.

"Darling, I have a headache." Her mother's pale, wane face managed to bend into a smile – though even that seemed painful. "Get me my medicine – there! Be a dear…"

Gaara nodded curtly and moved to the cupboard of medicine. His mother's hospital room was the most spacious in the entire building and even had a balcony over looking a sprawling Japanese garden. The nurses and doctors assigned to her were the top elite in the medical field. Every factor contributing to his mother regaining health gaudily showed off the power of his father's influence and wealth.

_But she's not getting better…_

Gaara tried to push that pessimistic thought to the back of his mind, but it resurfaced again to plague him.

_The doctors don't know what's wrong. But… but there wasn't supposed to be anything really wrong! She was simply heartsick when she entered the hospital and now – three days later – his mother had death's breathes marking her._

Gaara's hand jerked out the glass of water too quickly and the gorgeous glass vibrated, threateningly. The redhead steadied it with his hand and thought bitterly.

_And Sasuke won't answer the phone…_

Had Gaara watched the news, he'd have seen the suspicious stories surrounding a group of talented young sports stars – including his best friend's older brother Uchiha Itachi. The redhead would have then easily figured out the reasons the younger Uchiha boy couldn't be reached. Had his mother had newspapers delivered to her, Gaara would have definitely surmised what was going on behind the uproarious Uchiha scandal by piecing together the distorted editorials. But Gaara didn't watch the news, his mother didn't read newspapers and they were both in the countryside – surrounded by mountains offering fresh, curative air and cut off from the harsh rumors that were causing a unnaturally tamed uproar in Tokyo.

So Gaara didn't know. He didn't know why his best friend was suddenly missing altogether in his life. He cursed Sasuke under his breath and took up the medicine spoon.

His mother watched him carefully. Her expression was a little far-gone as she traced her son's glorious features. His white brow was so handsomely sculpted. And those hands – those sturdy, magical hands were identical to _his _in grace and ability. Gaara was so painfully enthralling…

"I'm glad you are here, Gaara."

His mother finally spoke up.

"Why is that, okaa-san?"

Gaara poured the powder onto the medicine spoon and added droplets of water. He held out the mixed medicine to his mother after stirring the powder and water together with his little finger.

"Because you are the most beautiful of my children." His mother breathed. She willing took the spoonful of medicine in her mouth. After she swallowed, she continued.

"You are beautiful."

Gaara only nodded in reply, wondering what his mother wanted to say.

His mother smiled that tired, airy smile again and nearly wept.

"Just like him. You are beautiful just like him."

…

……

………

Gaara froze and turned sharply toward his mother. The thin, pretty woman only offered him another trembling smile and took up the glass of water he'd brought. Gaara's head was whirling and he noticed that everything was a little too bright – a little off color –

Just like him? Him?

Just like…

Gaara's stomach twisted and he felt that disgusting surge of panic he'd felt on seeing his mother and his uncle together. He felt the sensation mangle his insides as his brained denied it. It couldn't be possible! Of course! It couldn't possibly be that he was –

But Gaara had no time to confront his mother and win her confirmation because, suddenly, the glass in his mother's hand slipped. It fell as if in slow motion till it shattered on the floor. Glass bits flew everywhere. His mother doubled over, clutching her stomach, and began to choke like she wanted to spit out her lungs.

Blood splattered black-red all over the white covers. Gaara was fascinated and appalled at the sheer dark red of his mother's blood. His lime green eyes memorized the scene by darting from his violently choking mother to the blood…

Blood on white.

Blood on white.

Blood on…

…white…

* * *

Author's Note: Please review. Thanks! 


	17. Chapter 17

Author's Note: It's taking a lot longer than I thought it would to tell Gaara's story. It's so difficult to write. And after this, I was planning on writing Naruto's past too. Gah – !

_Author weeps quietly as Sakura points an accusing finger at author's forehead. _

_"It's your fault for thinking up such complicated plots!"_

_Author bawls as she senses the truth in the pink-haired girl's words._

Anyway, hope you enjoy! And as always, much thanks for reading!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Seventeen_

"DAMNIT!" Gaara screamed, pounding down the hospital hall and jerking his head around to sight a doctor. "Where is everybody? Goddamnit – !"

The redhead had rung the emergency bell endlessly for a nurse or a doctor – but all those outwardly professional looking medical attendants seemed to suddenly have become deaf. He skidded to a stop in front of the reception hall and slapped his hands mightily down on to the counter, making all the nurse-secretaries swivel around to face the seething young man.

"My mother – ! My mother's coughing out _blood_! Come – " The redhead choked on his panting breathes. "Come and help her now!"

The nurse that sat behind the counter raised her eyebrow quizzically. "Bleeding?"

"DID I FUCKING STUTTER!" Gaara roared, making her reluctant face flinch in fear at a young thirteen year old's rage. "Hurry up, damn you!"

"What seems to be the problem?"

Gaara whirled around and saw Dr. Kitamura, who was the head doctor in charge of his mother's care, looking at him with mild interest. The redhead lunged and furiously jerked on the stiff white collar of the tall doctor.

"My mother's dying – ! That's what's the fucking problem!" Gaara screamed, shaking the much bigger man easily like a scarecrow.

"Ah? Is she?" This bit of information seemed to keen Dr. Kitamura's interest and he creased his brow thoughtfully. "Now that was earlier than was planned."

Gaara froze, his lime-green eyes wide.

Earlier than…

…planned?

Gaara yanked his head back and forth, taking in the sight of the immobile hospital staff. They knew and they – and they – He opened his mouth but couldn't form words. Instead, the redhead slammed his fist against Dr. Kitamura's jaw.

The nurses screamed as the redhead turned swiftly on his heels and pounded down the hallway back to his mother's room. Gaara was both deaf and blind – he couldn't hear the the bleeding man cursing him from behind, couldn't see the bright white halls – and could only think of the image of his father's rare smile.

The medicine in the jar is for her migraines – give them to her in small doses.

No – no – ! It couldn't be – His father wouldn't – couldn't –

Gaara stumbled to a jolted stop in front of his mother's spacious hospital room. His green eyes unwillingly reflected the horror that was playing within. His pale, thin mother had tumbled out of the bed in pain, clutching her sides and throwing up blood – so much blood –

_How could there be so much blood – !_

Her covers were stained with red. She'd knocked over vases of flowers, glasses of water in her blinded pain. The shattered glass was cutting into her blank skin and poking starkly red wounds on her pallid, weak flesh. The blood – everywhere – her blood – all her blood –

His mother had another spasm of shock and she clutched her side. This time what she spit out wasn't just liquid – she was – she was –

Gaara grabbed the doorframe and threw up, his lean body quaking as he tried to retch out all the disgust he felt.

She was spitting up her bloody lungs.

* * *

"Yashamaru."

The said man's fair head jerked up at his brother-in-law's quiet but beguiling voice.

"Yes, sir?" Yashamaru ventured. It was unusual to be addressed – not after six weeks of silence. He frowned lightly up at his employer's features and his heart fell into the pit of his stomach.

Why was he smiling?

"Yashamaru." The politician continued in his low voice. "I have some errands I need fulfilled."

"O-of course, sir." Yashamaru forced a smile, though his head whirled in senseless fear. He realized that this was the storm – the rage of his sister's husband – that everyone had been fearing –

It was finally erupting in full impact.

"But first, you'll need some supplies." The dangerous man hissed.

In a flash, Yashamaru felt hard, cold metal slam against his cheek and he fell off his seat, blood gashing from one side of his face. In front of him, a silver gun clunked down onto the carpeted floor.

A gun.

Yashamaru desperately thought through his pain. But the senator had not shot him – just hit him with it – So the gun was for?

"She's dead."

…

……

What?

"Your sister is dead. Or should I say," The man's voice became stony, "Your lover is dead."

Yashamaru heard the words uttered almost amusedly by the other man and in the next second, he was on his feet and clutching the senator by the neck. Yashamaru's eyes burned with killer intent but the trapped man didn't seem to be bothered at all…

"No, no. I didn't do it. Though that would have been fun." The senator answered and his smile widened graciously. "I had Gaara do it."

…

……

…Gaara?

Yashamaru felt his body slacken as the sudden energy that had riveted through his body escaped and the senator dropped back onto the carpet lightly. Dusting himself off and rearranging his collar, the senator bent down to pick up the gun and placed it in Yashamaru's palms.

"My wife was a mistake."

Yashamaru didn't answer.

"You are a mistake." The senator whispered darkly, his voice suddenly relenting to reveal the rage that was so evident inside, "And so is Gaara."

Yashamaru gripped the gun in his hand and trembled. He was listening. Despite himself, he was listening. And the senator knew he was listening…

"So, I want you to fix it." The senator's smile was empty and cold now. It was the most frightening smile in the world. "Because his yours. Correct your mistake. Kill Gaara."

…

"Kill your son because he killed his mother – because Gaara killed your sister."

…

"Kill your only child and then follow him. Follow him and your lover."

…

"You can do it, can't you, Yashamaru?"

…

"Say 'yes sir' - as you always do. Say it."

………

* * *

Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke.

Gaara's shaking, bloody hands dialed the familiar number quickly. Wrong! His fingers fumbled. He tried again but it was difficult. His mind was filled with images of blood – only blood – red, red, red.

All fucking red.

Sasuke – ! That was the only thing that Gaara had managed to recover in his memory 'cept blood. The only thing he could find inside him except thoughts of death was Sasuke's beautifully pale, beautifully white features. Not just blood. Not just red. White. Sasuke. Sasuke.

Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke.

The redhead brought the phone to his ears, every part of him aware of what everything meant now – what everything concluded to now –

Sasuke's color ring played in his ear.

_Cause I'm not a pawn for you to play in your fucking game  
I've got dignity and I dream that I want to change_

No, no, no! He'd pick up! Gaara wouldn't be left just listening to the song of an unanswered cell phone play. Cos Sasuke would save him. Only Sasuke could convince him that something beautiful, something else still existed in this fucked up life besides blood and death. Only Sasuke's warmth could reassure Gaara now – so, Sasuke, please!

Please, Sasuke. Please, Sasuke!

_The pressure, you're troubled and you let me down  
I'm not deaf and all I hear is your empty promises_

Gaara clutched the phone tightly, not hearing the familiar song. The metal and plastic of the cell phone bent in his iron, insane grip and he willed himself to release it a little before he destroyed the phone. Destroyed his contact with Sasuke…

But no! No! This would be different from those many times he'd called the dark-haired boy before and the Uchiha hadn't answered. Because this time, Gaara was on a lethal precipice and he goddamn _needed_ Sasuke badly – Sasuke would somehow know!

Sasuke would know that Gaara would die without him.

_Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?  
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?_

Gaara started to shudder unconsciously. He choked, gasping out as he drowned in heavy emotion, into the not listening phone: "Dammit! I fucking need you, Sasuke!"

Pick up! Gaara willed.

Please, pick up!

You are the only person I can hang on to now…

_I will forgive but I won't forget  
And I hope you know you've lost my respect  
_

Gaara could feel his heart beat.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

And nothing! There was fucking nothing!

But no – there was Sasuke – there was –

No one! No one there! No one picking up! Only blood. _Only blood…_

Thud. Thud. Thud.

_Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?  
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?_

_  
_Gaara felt his heart thudded dully as he realized that Sasuke couldn't – wouldn't – answer. Because Sasuke wasn't here. Because only Gaara was here – only Gaara and what he'd done existed…

Sasuke was a lie. Everything else was a lie.

_Everything else was a fucking lie!_

The cell phone dropped from the redhead's hands and the end of the color ring played. And the end of Sasuke and Gaara's friendship played.

_Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?  
Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love?_

* * *

Temari and Kankuro stood, with their wordless, red-haired brother in between them, gazing at the black coffin that held their mother. Polite tears dampened both Temari and Kankuro's face but even that courteous sign was missing on Gaara's face. Gaara's eyes were empty, were dead as he gazed at the corpse that used to be his mother.

Kankuro glanced at his younger brother and his eyes narrowed. He'd expected this. He'd expected death. His father wouldn't have it any other way. The older boy looked around at the extravagant hall where the gaudily sorrowful funeral was held.

_Death was the only truth in a maze of lies…_

Temari looked around at all the faces that'd come to 'honor' her mother. Senators, lawyers, judges, doctors – everyone on the top of the hierarchy of Japan's social pyramid was here. There – ! There was the prime minister, even, standing with his father. But one face was missing. It seemed strange, now.

_Where was Uchiha Sasuke?_

Temari glanced down at her redheaded brother, wondering if Gaara realized the absence of his best friend. No. He didn't. Gaara's eyes were dead. He was too dead to know of anything that was going on in a world of life…

That second, Gaara swayed a little and Kankuro instinctively supported his brother's back and held him upright. Gaara fidgeted, wanting to escape his uncomfortable position. Temari clutched his shoulder to restrain him. Didn't Gaara know? She thought bitterly. Didn't Gaara already know that this was the fate of the children of one of the most powerful political leader in Japan? They had to pretend even at their mother's funeral.

So, the three teenagers stood. Two shedding fake tears for their mother that no longer existed. And one dying, his soul dying, with his mother's body. And so the ceremony – almost in mock celebration of this very truth – continued.

Finally, when it came to a close, Temari and Kankuro saw Yashamaru near them. His face was void of tears and only Gaara's expression rivaled the beautiful man's evident pain. They were identical in that way. So much pain. So much beauty.

Yashamaru held out his hand. Gaara instinctively took it.

And father led son out of his mother's funeral…

* * *

Gaara sat patiently in the hotel room as Yashamaru paced before him. The redhead looked around at the elegant suite, not a trace of nervousness on the redhead's face. His father – or the person he'd thought for so long as his father – must have arranged this. To have Yashamaru kill him, Gaara figured.

Because Gaara was a bastard.

Gaara trained his lime-green eyes on Yashamaru as he loaded the silver gun and gritted his teeth. It didn't matter – dying. So it was good to get it over with.

"I am sorry for everything, Gaara." Yashamaru said, clicking the hoister shut after loading it with silver bullets. "But you'll have to go first."

Gaara nodded, looking off at nothing in particular.

"Don't worry though." Yashamaru smiled softly at the glorious features of the redheaded boy. He was so beautiful. Just like her. Because, he was hers. Gaara was his and hers…

"I'll follow you soon so we won't get lost." Yashamaru said firmly, willing all weakening emotions to stay at bay.

Gaara swallowed, one hand twitching his red hair. "When?"

"What is it?"

"When did you know I was yours, Yashamaru?"

The pretty featured man smile widened at the young boy. "Always."

There was silence. Then Gaara choked out the one question that had been eating away at his otherwise empty insides. "And – and – did you – did you – "

"Love you?" Yashamaru's gentle features almost contorted into a smirk at the question.

Gaara nodded, forlornly.

"I did."

_Did_. The meaning of the word rang so clearly in Gaara's mind and sapped up the sudden emotion that 'd leaked out. Gaara became emotionless once again.

"I'm ready." The redhead said stiffly.

Yashamaru nodded curtly. Gomen nasai. Gaara. Gomen nasai, my son. He imagined the bloody death that his sister must have suffered at the hands of her own flesh and blood and that picture gave the usually gentle man the courage to pull the trigger.

To shoot his own son…

…

……

_Bang_.

* * *

Author's Note: Cliffie again! Throws confetti while everyone looks at her murderously.

Anyway, I think I need one more chapter to wrap up Gaara's past… So please stick around for the conclusion. And much thanks for reading this far!


	18. Chapter 18

Author's Note: Here's the last part of Gaara's past trilogy. It was easier to write once I got started. Hope you enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Eighteen_

Gaara pulled the trigger again and again – fascinated that each pull of his fingers could tear skin and bone and blood – so much blood – from his uncle's body. No – not his uncle. His father's body. Yashamaru's body.

The redhead's mind was a jumble of incongruous thoughts – only interrupted by the loud banging of the gun. One minute, he was ready to die. He really wanted to die. And then – and then –

Gaara saw in his mind's eye Yashamaru pull the trigger again. And he saw – in that miraculously slow motion – the bullet move forth. It was as though the whole fucking world had slowed except for him. And as Gaara saw the bullet wiggle forth – come closer – closer and closer to draw –

Blood. But this time, it'd be his own blood. Gaara would die bleeding the same precious red liquid – the same beautiful, gorgeous, magnificent blood – as his mother – All over the white covers of the bed he was perched on. Red on white. So much blood. Spilling. So. Much. Blood.

And suddenly, Gaara was afraid. He was afraid of his own blood. Because he didn't want to die. He didn't want to spill the deliriously beautiful redness away from his body. No, no, no! Because Gaara had found something beautiful again! He'd found blood – blood was still beautiful. Death was ugly but blood was still beautiful. And Gaara wanted to keep seeing something so beautiful – wanted to find all that beauty inside death –

So not his blood – not his blood –

As soon as that sliver of will to live shot through the redhead's apt body, Gaara found himself shifting away enough to have the bullet bury itself in his shoulder – not a crucial hit but the pain was indescribable.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Gaara shrieked, trashing as his precious, precious blood splattered on to his hands. As soon as he felt the warmth of his own blood, Gaara lost touch with his sanity.

Wrestling Yashamaru. His father's tears. Insane screaming.

"_Die! Die! Die!"_

He didn't know whether they were Yashamaru's pleas or crazed words that'd escaped his own throat. Blood. The gun. Another bang! More blood. Lots of blood. Red. Red. Red.

And his father lying dead at his own feet.

His hand seemed to move on its own as he shot one bullet after another till his gun was empty. Fascinated, terrified, crazed that he could cause so much destruction. So much blood.

No, no, no! This wasn't his father's body – this wasn't Yashamaru's body – this was simply death. As simple as that. People bleed. People die. Yes, yes. That was it. Blood. That was everything. Everything was blood.

Red blood.

Gaara clutched his head and screamed at the shattered form of the man at his feet.

* * *

Six months after the death of Yashamaru, Gaara's legal father came to visit his soon to be fourteen-year-old son in Tokyo Mental Rehabilitation Center. He nodded shallowly at the guard by the door – the guard knew how important a man he was to let him in without bothering him for identification – and the senator stepped into the white halls. A nurse hurried to his side to politely lead him to the visiting room. 

Thirty minutes later, a redheaded boy in handcuffs were led in by two guards and made to stand before the visiting senator. He was dressed in a white hospital gown; his pale skin matching the crisp white fabric and clashed with the harsh gray of the cuffs. His eyes were blank – an unhindered lime green. How a boy so blessed with so much beauty – so magnificent even in a place so inglorious – could vibrate with a complete dangerous aura was an unanswerable question.

"I came to celebrate your birthday, Gaara." The senator said seriously, gesturing to the young boy to take a seat.

Gaara met his father's eyes, unshielded surprise flashing in his brilliant green eyes.

After a while, the redhead spoke snidely in a voice that wasn't accustomed to being used. "That's a first."

"Well, there's always a first time for everything."

Gaara took the seat and stared suspiciously at the amused man before him.

"For your birthday – which would be tomorrow, wouldn't it?" His father paused and continued only after seeing Gaara's confirming nod.

"You may come back home. The court case came out well. Your killing Yashamaru was completely in self-defense; the man was crazed at the loss of his sister. Your mother died because of improper medical proceedings – of which I have already 'received' legal 'compensations' from the culpable hospital. Your being in this ward is perfectly explainable; you saw too many things at too young, too innocent an age." The senator listed these consequences as though he was reading a list of groceries. "So you may come back home."

The redhead did not reply.

"You may come back home, my son."

At the senator's words 'my son' Gaara had the chain of the handcuffs pushed against the man's throat. Around them, the nurses screamed and the guards reached for their guns. Gaara tensed, calculating quickly how he could kill and escape but there was no need.

The senator roared, "Get back! Don't disturb us!"

No one moved, unsure of what to do.

"Leave us!"

The hospital staff could not deny the senator's order twice. And so, that was all it took for the waiting room to be cleared of all watching eyes.

But Gaara wasn't afraid of the excuse for a human in front of his eyes. The redhead tightened the chain against his father's throat.

"How am I your son?" Gaara demanded, glaring into his father's eyes. "Tell me before I kill you."

The senator had to laugh at that.

"How are you not my son?" He steadily met the redhead's snarl. "How could I not be the father of such a monster?"

Monster.

Monster.

Gaara dropped his arms, as though the word burned him, and his gorgeous green eyes filling with even prettier tears.

"Why did you kill her?" The redhead found himself asking, the tears overflowing. "Why did you let me kill her?"

The tears. The plea. Her. The three combined made his father's face crack and for a split second, Gaara could see the swirling anger and pain that contorted the seemingly unpermeable man's handsome features. But soon, the mask was back, and his father, after short, sharp breathes, answered in his characteristic confident tone.

"Because I love her."

Because I love her?

"You lie." Gaara hissed.

"No, my son." The senator explained, not letting go of his son's green gaze. "You can kill because you love. That's why you killed Yashamaru. You could kill him because you loved him."

Gaara loathed how his father's words seemed to make soothing sense, glazing the sharp wound in his left chest. But he couldn't deny that it made sense. How else could such fucked up things happen? How else – how else all that blood?

"And that is why you are my son. You equate death with love." The senator's lips curled back in mock disgust. "You are a ghastly monster that shouldn't exist. You kill because you love. You live because you bleed. We are the same, you and I."

Gaara and his father sat through few seconds of perfect silence. Those flitting seconds were all it took for Gaara's father to store away – in one nasty corner of his hidden heart – the crippled speck of guilt he felt for the deeds he'd committed. Those short seconds were all it took for Gaara to realize that he was already dead and had found life again, reined by a new rule. You kill because you love. You exist only in other's death.

He remembered his mother's blood. His father's blood. His own blood. That's right. Gaara was already dead. And his only obligation was to bring everyone he loved into this bath of red with him. Yes, yes. That would be his goal.

That was how he could find life in his death.

"Take me home, father." Gaara said, quietly, accepting his fate.

"But first, I have another present I want to give you." The senator offered to the redhead, extracting a small blade from his expensive overcoat. He explained, motioning his son to come closer.

"So you don't forget the meaning of blood."

_So you don't forget the new meaning of love._

* * *

Temari and Kankuro greeted the homecoming of their younger brother. Gaara looked exactly the same, though his forehead was bounded in bandages. Later, they found that the gauze covered a scar that shaped the character 'ai' though the redhead did not explain how he came to have it. 

In that way, Gaara was the same. Still stoic, still proud, still freakishly flawless. Gaara still excelled in academics and athletics – especially basketball. But, other than that, he wasn't the same. He hadn't outwardly changed – but there was nothing inside that was the same. Because Gaara had never felt so, so dangerous before…

But Temari and Kankuro knew to greet him as if nothing had happened. As if their mother hadn't died. As if Gaara hadn't lost his best friend. As if Gaara wasn't a murderer.

And so they lived that way after death.

* * *

"Tsumiko left a message this morning." 

Kankuro announced as he walked into their dining room. Temari looked up from slicing carrots for her snack salad. Kankuro snatched a section of carrot and gnawed on it, watching his sister's expression. The older blonde was having difficulty hiding her grin of delight.

"Glad that Gaara is finally making some human bonds, huh?" Kankuro guessed.

It annoyed Temari how intuitive Kankuro was. "Maybe."

Kankuro laughed out loud at his sister's bad acting. "Never think of a career in drama, Temari." He finished his carrot section and reached for another. Temari slapped his hand away. Frowning, Kankuro stole a tomato slice from the salad bowl.

"Well, I am." Kankuro said, decisively, finishing the tomato. "I'm really glad that my younger brother has a girlfriend that he can't get enough of. Maybe Gaara in love will stop vibrating 'kill, kill, kill' vibes."

Temari bit her lip at that. It was true that after – after all that'd happened – Gaara was – Well, even Temari was downright scared of him and she didn't scare easy. She remembered the incident at the park where Kankuro and Gaara were playing one on one, just a few weeks ago. Gaara had stopped the game to look with faint interest at a little boy romp around with his dog. It surprised Temari that Gaara cared; it was just your basic happy, lovey display of childish infatuation with his pet.

The redhead had suddenly gone off after that. Kankuro and Temari didn't let that bother them; they had learned quickly to get use to this 'new Gaara' who was opt to just wander off. So after finishing a round of ball, they were grabbing sesame noodles at a vender when their conversation was interrupted by a high-pitch scream.

Kankuro and Temari had a feeling that whatever it was, it had to do with Gaara. The two siblings raced towards the location scream. But even they were unprepared for the scene that greeted their eyes.

Gaara stood in the middle of a sandbox, his hand holding a fruit knife he'd taken from a nearby couple having a picnic. His feet was littered with bloody section of carcass – of pieces of the mutt that they'd seen the little boy play so joyfully with – They heard the screams of all the onlookers, heard the wail of the little boy and Gaara…

Laughing.

Temari felt a chill at the memory. She'd dropped the sesame-noodle bowl in her hand. She'd never been able to eat sesame-flavored noodles ever again after that – because somehow, somehow the snack always seemed to smell of beast blood.

Of course, it was just a stray dog. It didn't have an owner Gaara had even received kudos for it, illustrating a portion of the city newspaper. _Senator's Son Courageously Saves Child From Mad Dog_. Their father's doing.

But that incident had confirmed what Temari and Kankuro already had known. After everything, their youngest brother was crazy. His perfection was mauled by his bloodthirstiness. _Gaara was obsessed with the thirst to kill - to prove his morbid existence through other's death._

So it was a very good thing that Gaara seemed to take to Nagasawa Tsumiko.

Temari felt a wave of pure gratitude when she thought of the pretty teen idol. Tsumiko's sensual voice, her willowy figure, her incredibly long legs and her quickly rising popularity had caused one news reporter to describe the new teen sensation as the 'future of Japanese pop'. Temari would normally think very little of a cute pop star, but Tsumiko had brains to match her good looks. Not only that, her hard determined personality nicely paralleled her brother's stoniness.

And in the case of Gaara, who had never had any interest in girls for all fourteen years of his life, seem to make a very big exception for the sky-blue haired girl. The redhead didn't exactly play the part of the perfect boyfriend but Tsumiko's barely contained, delighted screams that Temari had one day accidentally heard coming from her younger brother's room one night signified to the older blonde girl that Tsumiko didn't have any complaints that Gaara didn't send flowers or candy.

So Temari was glad. She was glad that Tsumiko and Gaara were together. She hoped full-heartedly that their love would erase all the thoughts of death and blood that raged in her younger brother's mind.

At that moment, the mentioned redhead entered the room. His hair was damp from a recent shower. Kankuro nudged Temari before smirking at his younger brother.

"Your girlfriend left a message, Gaara. She seems to want you _every night_."

Temari punched Kankuro's shoulder for the implicit joke but Gaara simply answered, carelessly.

"I already received the message." After a pause, he continued. "I went to see her already."

Kankuro's eyebrow shot up. He and Temari shared a surprised look. Gaara was willing to talk to them? He was willing to talk about his date? Love must be making him act strangely…

Taking advantage of his unusual verboseness, Temari persisted, "Well? What'd she want?"

Gaara opened the refrigerator and withdrew a can of coke. He opened the can – making a fizzing sound – and took a gulp of the cold drink. After two more silent drinks, Gaara set the can down on the kitchen counter and pulled off a ring from his long slender finger. He tossed it onto the counter and the ring clinked against the marble tiles.

"She wanted to exchange couple rings." Gaara smirked.

Temari's face split into a huge grin as she took up the white-gold band. From its weight, she could instantly tell that it was really gold. The simple elegance, the unadorned magnificence of the ring matched Gaara's image. Temari had to hand it Tsumiko. She knew what she was doing…

"Well, did you give her a ring too?" Kankuro wanted to know. He was devouring Temari's salad, famished in his good mood; but Temari, generous in her own good mood, didn't mind.

After a short pause, Gaara nodded. A faint smile was tugging at the corners of his smooth lips. Temari held back an urge to cheer. Her brother seemed to have returned – the happy, conceited Gaara from before her mother's death was back! All her hope had come true through Tsumiko's love. Gaara was –

_Squish!_

Kankuro and Temari jumped as Gaara withdrew something from his pocket and tossed a package wrapped in a bloody handkerchief on to the counter with the sickening sound. The redhead called back as he exited the kitchen, coke in hand, as his older siblings leaned in to examine the small, bloody parcel.

"It didn't really fit her. It was too big."

Temari carefully nudged back the cloth and screamed at what she revealed. Kankuro dropped the salad bowl onto the ground and began to throw up everything he ate in the sink.

A reddened finger lay in the folds of the bloody silk, a slightly big-sized ring still encircling its slenderness.

* * *

The news of the death of pop idol Nagasawa Tsumiko illustrated the front page of all major newspapers. The story was that her house had burned when the ill-fated singer was still inside. Her body had turned to charcoal and too burnt to identify the source of her death. 

But there was no mystery to solve. It _seemed _to be simply an unfortunate conflagration.

* * *

Author's Note: Hope you liked the last chapter in Gaara's arc! Please tell me what you think! 


	19. Chapter 19

Author's Note: Hello everyone! This chapter will maybe be my longest yet. I figured that I owed it to everyone after veering off the present storyline to explain Gaara's past. So, let's return to the present Ultimate Uke Syndrome world for awhile and see what's happening.

Please enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Nineteen_

"Oi! Shikamaru!"

The dark pony-tailed boy jerked at the blonde's call. He had been drowning in his own contemplations and her voice had woken him. He looked at the blonde girl at his side amazed that she sat seemingly nonchalantly though she'd experienced all that shit she'd just told him.

"Oh good. You aren't asleep or something." Temari grumbled, looking at her palms. "I was gonna kill ya if you fell asleep while I was pouring out my family history…"

Shikamaru decided it was pointless to mention that there probably wasn't anyone anywhere who could fall asleep when someone was telling a story like the one Temari had told about her redheaded brother. Shikamaru watched the blonde look up at him and instantly look away when she saw that he was watching her.

"Hey." Shikamaru called out.

"What?" Temari snapped, suddenly defensive. She oddly felt vulnerable after having told someone something that she'd kept secret for so long. What? Did he find it disgusting? Did he find her and her family disgusting?

Well, fuck him. She didn't give a damn what he thought – she didn't give a fuck what anyone thought. It was his fucking idea to exchange hidden pasts and her will to agree to the barter. So why – why – why did she feel as if she'd told her story to some sort of arbitrator – Fuck him. Fuck –

Temari's angry thoughts were cut off as she realized that Shikamaru was leaning toward her, his hand stretched out. She flinched when that heavy hand began to awkwardly pat her shoulder. Temari blinked. What the hell – ? Didn't he understand? And wasn't he – he didn't –

And suddenly Temari felt all her anger melt away, all her layers stripping, all her barriers thin. For the first time, she didn't feel like someone who was capably carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. For the first time, she allowed herself to feel like someone who was caught up in a series of unfortunate events and stranded away – far away – unreachable –

Except for the hand patting her shoulder…

"I don't need your sympathy." Temari spat, but she didn't push his hand away.

"And I'm not giving you any." Shikamaru replied instantly.

Temari looked down at the dirty repair room floor and allowed herself a private smile at that. Had she been a normal girl, she might have cried. But no. She was Temari. The oldest child of one of the most powerful men in Japan. The older sister of a discerning Kankuro and a dangerous Gaara. She was made of tougher stuff than most any girls. But she allowed herself that smile, allowed herself to be comforted by a boy who she didn't even know that well, who didn't know her very well…

Temari believed Shikamaru for those exact reasons. He was the best judge to everything because he was detached, a third person far from the story. And his decision was this: He wasn't disgusted. He wasn't giving her his sympathy. He was simply accepting her story as something that was. No judgment. It'd just happened – shit happened. That was the way of the world.

And he was leaving it at that.

Leaving it, knowing that she could deal. Not happily, but firmly - yes, she could. The world would go on with its fucked up course - and, here they were still.

"Listen." Temari said finally, when he stopped patting her shoulder, "You still haven't told me about Uzumaki Naruto."

"I will." Shikamaru promised. "Let's stop and take a snack break now. I kinda need it."

"Fine. But don't think you can cheat me outta your side of the story." The blonde grumbled.

"I don't."

"Hmph." Temari frowned and gestured toward the food box. "Pass me the noodles. Don't give me the – "

Shikamaru tossed the sweet sauce noodles, his hand passing over the sesame flavored. "Is that good?"

"Hmm." Temari nodded, ripping open the package.

Shikamaru selected the black sauce noodles and also ripped open the package. As the dark-haired boy devoured the snack, he remembered Gaara's one on one game with Uchiha Sasuke. He felt his chest tighten when he recalled what Gaara had declared…

"Was it just Nagasawa Tsumiko?" He asked unceremoniously.

Temari looked up from her noodles. "No." She replied simply.

"Ah."

Silence except for the sound of chewing.

"Uzumaki Naruto might be his seventh."

Shikamaru instantly knew the significance of the word 'might'. So Temari suspected that Naruto might be a different case. The dark-haired boy thought of it and was fairly confident he could trust her surmise. He nodded and went back to eating.

Ah, so that's why she was telling her his story… She was giving him a warning while simultaneously paying to hear the story he'd tell about Naruto. Temari was interested in Naruto, Shikamaru realized, because the blonde was…

She was still hoping…

Shikamaru grinned into his noodles. Maybe she was more girly than she looked, ne? Definitely, she was full of surprises in several ways...

"Give me shrimp." Shikamaru gestured to the box at her side.

Temari gave him a sour look before tossing him the shrimp. "You know what they fry that shit in?"

"Monosodium glutamate, condensed molasses fermentation soluble, ascorbic acid, caprolactam…" Shikamaru listed off the top of his head. "And probably a whole bunch of other crap. But I don't let it bother me too much."

"You forgot potassium sorbate and l-lysine." Temari replied, tossing him a container of shrimp.

"Hmm." Shikamaru agreed, catching it in one hand. "But they might fry noodles in worse."

"But not enough to make them turn that freakish orange color." The blonde pointed out. "That orange is not the color of shrimp. It isn't the color of anything except maybe various deadly chemicals."

"I'm too lazy to live till a ripe old age." Shikamaru said, opening the package and taking a bite of shrimp.

Temari thought that over. She relented that he made a lot of sense. The blonde gestured to the dark-haired boy with her chopsticks.

"Give me some lethal sorbates and unhealthy acids too."

"Help yourself." Shikamaru offered her the box.

* * *

"Let me think!" 

"So what do we do?"

"We can't just – "

"LET ME THINK!" Ino hollered, interrupting Ten Ten nee-chan's and Sakura's ranting. They had spent the last two hours in this manner: The first ten minutes, they'd sobbed at their ill fate. The next ten minutes, they'd sobbed at their stupidity. The next minutes, they'd argued about whose fault it was. And the cycle repeated itself... They'd only gotten around to talking about what to do in the last five minutes.

Ino massaged her forehead.

Okay. So the situation was: they had that bitchy Sand manager and poor Shikamaru locked up in the old repair room. They couldn't tell anyone or that bitchy Sand manager's brother would smash their faces. Of course, he'd probably smash their faces when Temari told him after she escaped (or she'd do it herself) but a delay in having their faces smashed sounded good to Ino…

And on top of that, Sakura and Ino hadn't done anything to get Gaara and Naruto together. Shit.

…

……

………

But first things first… !

"Sakura, you get three metal cutters from your neighbor – let's get to work on the door as soon as possible." Ino said, wincing when she remembered that Sakura and she had not worked out that kink about going to the bathroom… Sakura mirrored her wince and Ten Ten put a frantic hand to her forehead.

"And after we get them out." The older girl snapped. "I want out! I can't believe I just did that to poor Shikamaru; I'm so guilty I'm nauseous!"

And as if to prove it, the dark-haired girl was swaying on her feet. Sakura's eyes grew wide. Ten Ten sempai was red in the face – as if she –

Ten Ten plopped down on to the dirt, fainted.

"Ten Ten nee-chan!"

The pink-haired girl bent to the older girl's side. Sakura felt her pale forehead, while Ino babbled incongruously. Finally, the pink-haired girl reported, "She has a fever!"

Ino groaned – in relief and vexation. Ten Ten nee-chan probably had stressed herself out – !

"Sakura, you get working on the door." Ino said, thinking quickly. "I'll take Ten Ten nee-chan to the dorm and join you as soon as possible."

"Right!"

With that, the two girls busied themselves with the task at hand.

* * *

"Temari?" 

"Hmm?"

The blonde looked up at Shikamaru, who was now blushing faintly. Temari blinked in puzzlement at the boy's obvious embarrassment and asked again.

"What is it?"

"I, um…" The dark-haired boy fidgeted, placing his eyes purposefully elsewhere. "I kinda, um, want to, you know, _go_."

Go? Go where?

…

……

Oh no...

"What do you want me to do about it!" A red-faced Temari hollered. She found her eyes – not on purpose – darting to the boy's… to the boy's… ahem… and felt her face burning at her accidental glance. Why did she just look there of all places after she'd fallen face first into it when they first got locked up? Gah – !

In her humiliation, the blonde glared at a far-off wall and muttered in a steely voice, "No way. Not in here."

"Of course not!" Shikamaru replied, exasperated and simultaneously incredibly embarrassed that she'd think he'd do such a thing. "I meant, let's get out."

Temari looked at the younger boy as if he was a dunce. "Like how?" The blonde demanded.

"I have a plan." Shikamaru said, standing up and dusting himself off.

Temari couldn't keep the skeptical tone out of her voice. "An idea?"

"Trust me."

To that Temari could only snort. "Fine. Do whatever."

"Hnn." The dark haired boy nodded. "But you have to help me."

"Okay." The blonde got to her feet too. "What do you want me to do?"

"Just a second."

Temari watched Shikamaru tap the wall, going around the room. The blonde's eyes narrowed in suspicion. This better not be some sort of weird ploy to get out of telling Naruto's story that he owed her. Because if it was –

"Move as many things as you can and sort of make a barrier in that corner." Shikamaru pointed.

The blonde nodded reluctantly. Well, she wouldn't let him get away with it. He was smart enough; he should know that…

Shikamaru stared at Temari in surprise, as the older girl started to push a heavy shelf toward the direction he indicated. He'd planned to do that himself with her help after he'd sat up the lanterns and shit. The dark-haired boy hadn't expected a girl to be strong enough to move such a huge ass shelf by herself… Shikamaru gave a low whistle of surprise as he started to detach the high-powered batteries from the fishing lanterns.

When she'd thought she'd created a decent enough barrier with the big shelves, Temari moved over to where Shikamaru was squatting. Her eyes widened with horror as she inspected his work.

"What the fuck – !" The blonde demanded. "Why'd you just ruin our supply of light!"

"Because we don't need 'em." The dark-haired boy returned, twisting some bendy steel material he'd wrenched off a lantern.

"Don't need 'em!" Temari yelled, jerking a hysterical finger at the weird tangle of batteries, broken light bulbs and wires that the younger boy had put together and had piled on top of their food supply mixed with dusty boxes against the wall. "What the hell is this mess! My noodles are all dusty and – "

Shikamaru suddenly slamming their turned on light bulb on to a thick piece of bent cardboard, interrupting her rant. The piece of thick paper instantly caught fire. Temari shrieked at the small flame.

"Put that – "

"DUCK!"

Shikamaru yelled, throwing the flame onto his complex contraption. Jerking a startled Temari with him, Shikamaru and the blonde girl dove behind the wall of shelves and boxes as everything exploded with a fantastic boom.

Temari's shriek joined the thunderous noise of destruction as the blonde girl desperately tried to shield her body from the impact. She didn't even realize that Shikamaru's arms were around her frame and that it was his chest her face was buried against till the terrific sound died away slowly. The dark-haired boy and the blonde stayed down for a while as the deafening roar stopped ringing in their ears long after the actual sound had faded away.

"Er…Shikamaru…" Temari mumbled into the boy's shirt. She was unintentionally inhaling his scent. He smelled like shrimp, noodles and another light fresh flagrance, which Temari figured was his scented soap. The blonde girl had to remind herself not to…not to sniff him – how perverted! – and tried to talk without kissing the fabric of his shirt.

"M-move. Shikamaru." Temari felt her face turn red. How immature was that! Keep it together, Temari girl. This boy was a freshman. And an arrogant freshman at that that you just randomly happened to be trapped in a room with – !

"I can't…" Came the wheezing reply.

"Why the hell not!" The blonde demanded.

"I think one of the fucking shelves fell over on top of us…" Shikamaru gasped, his voice strained. "Shit."

Temari frowned. But she didn't feel a thing! Which meant…

The blonde girl realized that the weight of the shelf must have fallen on the dark-haired boy since he was on top of her. Feeling very very faintly guilty, Temari racked her brain for what she could do. She pulled her arm out and reached out with her hands. When she pushed, the boxes at her sides budged. Maybe she could dig her way out first and help Shikamaru…

Temari wiggled, trying to shift out of the boy's grasp.

"Gawd – ! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YA DOING!" Shikamaru's usually calm voice was one octave higher. The blonde girl beneath him was unintentionally rubbing him where he fucking didn't need to be rubbed now. Temari realized this about the same time and gave an indignant – and very muffled to Shikamaru's ears – retort.

"I-it can't be helped. Be still!"

Wiggle, wiggle.

"STOP IT!" Shikamaru could feel his face heat up, despite the uncomfortable situation he was in.

"I'm trying to get out to help you Shikamaru!"

Rub. Rub.

Wiggle. Wiggle.

GAH – ! Shikamaru could almost feel his soul fleeing out of his mouth. This wasn't even in leagues with troublesome! Especially when he really needed to go! This was a cruel and unusual punishment! This was a test from kami-sama to see how long the dark-haired boy could hold together his self-control! This was – this was – gah! Keep your head together, Nara. Shikamaru told himself desperately. This was about escaping. Escaping. Not rubbing. _Not rubbing_. Of course not – !

But having an IQ of 200 didn't stop the boy's body from having a natural physical reaction to a buxom girl rubbing her whole body against his.

"DON'T GET BIG ON ME!" Temari cried, her face flaming and heating the front of Shikamaru's shirt as she felt something against her belly.

"I'M NOT FUCKING DOING IT ON PURPOSE!" Shikamaru snapped in self-defense.

"STILL STOP IT!" Temari protested, wiggling faster in want to escape.

"YOU STOP RUBBING _THERE_!"

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD I RUB _THERE_ ON PURPOSE!"

Eight minutes later, a flaming and coughing blonde girl emerged out of the pile of dusty cardboard boxes. Temari observed that – luckily – boxes had somewhat cushioned the fall of the shelf onto Shikamaru's back. She pushed the shelf off and dug out an equally red faced dark haired boy out of the rubbish.

They stood side by side, wordlessly, blushing for all they were worth.

"I… well, I… um… I… cough, cough." Shikamaru spoke and coughed, gesturing at the smashed wall on the opposite side of the repair room.

"Ah… um… cough, cough… ah…" Temari answered, understanding, and coughed.

The two carefully crawled out of the huge hole on the side of the repair room and breathed in the night air. It's freshness helped clear the dust that'd gathered in their lungs. It's coolness helped to soothe their burning faces.

* * *

Ino lugged Ten Ten's unconscious body towards the dorm room. The older girl felt heavy and too, too hot at the slim blonde's side. Ino bit her lower lip worriedly. Maybe Ten Ten nee-chan sould go to the hospital – 

That moment, Ino crashed into someone in the dark of the night. The blonde fell back and Ten Ten slid off her shoulder. They both crashed into the grass.

A flashlight shone in Ino's face.

"Yanamaka Ino?"

The blonde girl squinted in the sudden light. "Uzumaki Naruto?"

Ino sat up to see the crowd of Konoha boys who apparently were still searching for Shikamaru. Naruto was looking at her apologetically for slamming into her. Neji was glaring at her furiously for slamming into Naruto. Chouji was too busy calling out Shikamaru's name to acknowledge her existence.

"Is Ten Ten okay?" Lee asked, crouching by to examine the fallen girl at Ino's side.

"Dunno." Ino blurted, worriedly. "She's burning up!"

"Huh?" Naruto placed a hand on his sempai's forehead. Feeling the hotness, the blonde immediately hoisted the older girl up in his arms – with surprising strength for his small stature – and lifted her to his back.

"We should take her to the hospital." He suggested.

Neji greatly disliked the way that strands of Ten Ten dark hair were falling on to the white of Naruto's neck. Neji also greatly disliked the way that Ten Ten's breasts were pressed firmly against Naruto's back. And Neji also greatly disliked the way Ten Ten's legs were wrapped around Naruto's hips.

Ino bit her lip, reading Neji's thoughts, which clearly showed up on the longhaired boy's face. Ten Ten nee-chan would be glad that Neji sempai was finally noticing her body. Unfortunately, she'd be devastated if she found out in what way he was noticing her…

"Naruto!" Neji said sharply.

"Yes, Neji?" Naruto blinked, a little surprised at the older boy's abrupt tone.

"I – !" Neji deflated the emotion that arose in his voice and muttered. "I'll carry Ten Ten…"

"Okay…" Naruto frowned, wondering why Neji was getting so worked up about the matter. Wait! Could it be that…!

Naruto giggled, wiggling up next to the taller boy's arms. Neji jerked at the blonde's sudden touch.

"Ne-ji-ii-cha-an!" Naruto drawled.

"Wh-what…" Neji blushed, peering down at the blonde dobe whose eyes were sparkling in pure bliss as he looked up at the older boy. Could it be that Naruto had finally caught on to his feelings and was showing a reciprocating reaction?

"Neji really cares a lot about my piggy-backing Ten Ten sempai, huh?"

Neji's heart began to thump at the sudden turn of events. It couldn't be that Naruto figured out – could it? Neji swallowed self-consciously and said, almost defiantly, "Wh-what if I do?"

Naruto's giggle became louder. Neji felt his heartbeat magnify as the blonde wiggled even closer to him, peering up at him through silky blonde lashes. There was a coy grin on the dobe's feminine face.

"I can't believe that Neji liked Ten Ten this whole time and I didn't even catch on!"

Neji almost nodded empathically but realized just before he inclined his head. He lifted one aristocratic eyebrow incredulously. It wasn't possible that Naruto was that much of a dobe. But looking at the teasing smile still wide on the blonde's face, Neji had the sinking feeling that maybe he _was_ that much of a dobe.

"Here, take her." Naruto hooted – unknowing of all the exasperated looks he was getting from everyone else present. Neji reached out and, instead of taking the unconscious Ten Ten into his arms, began to unmercifully twist the blonde's cheeks – a punishment for being so dense.

"Ow – Ne-eh-ji-ii-!" Naruto tearfully rubbed his cheeks when Neji finally let go. "Yer mean!"

While all this was going on, Ten Ten had regained slight consciousness. Through her blinding headache, she'd somehow worked out that Naruto was going to give her to Neji to carry to the hospital. Groggily blissful at this plan, the dark-haired girl waited, feigning complete unconsciousness, to be transferred into her beloved's arms.

"Kiba – !" Naruto whined, flying toward the spiky-haired boy. "Neji's _mean_!"

"No way!" Kiba answered instantly – before Neji's pale eyes could bore holes into his flesh. He wisely jumped out of the way and Naruto landed face first into the dirt. The Hyuuga clucked his tongue and bent to pry Ten Ten off the fallen blonde. He instantly deposited the dark-haired girl onto an unsuspecting Lee's back and helped Naruto straighten up.

"Yer _meaner_!" Naruto pointed an accusing finger at an innocent Kiba and bawled into Neji's very willing arms. The Hyuuga boy had no problem with comforting the bawling blonde as Kiba sent the longhaired boy death glares.

Ino glanced toward Naruto, who was now hiccupping into Neji's shirt, and towards Ten Ten nee-chan, who was mistakenly rubbing her face into the back of Lee's neck ("Stop it, Ten Ten! Gah –! What's wrong with you today?"). The blonde girl wondered if she should correct nee-chan of her mistake but was interrupted by Chouji's loud holler.

"What about Shikamaru!" The plump boy demanded, his eyes red and furious. "We gotta find 'im!"

"Ah, um!" Ino coughed. "I saw him with, ah, um, the manager of the Sand team. They, er, seemed to be talking about something very important about, um, ah, basketball."

It was only a partial lie. The blonde girl supposed. After all, Shikamaru probably was talking to Temari – he couldn't possibly be talking to anyone else at the moment. And who knew that basketball would not appear in their conversation? It seemed like a likeable grounds for a conversation between the unlikely pair…

"With the manager of the Sand team?" Kiba blinked, his eyebrows raised in a blatantly disbelieving expression.

"That doesn't sound like Shikamaru." Chouji snorted, looking accusingly at Ino. "He wouldn't just go off like that without telling us."

"…" Shino silently agreed as Naruto, Neji and Lee firmly nodded.

Ino gritted her teeth. Stupid boys and their stupid loyalty for each other. Gah – !

"I dunno. It looked like something really _really_ important." Ino insisted, lying through her teeth. "Maybe something came up…"

Maybe something came up… What could possibly have come up that would make Shikamaru not alert them in advance about his absence? Unless, of course, it had to do with… Five pairs of eyes turned toward a certain, still-confused blonde dobe.

Come to think of it, Shino conceded, Ten Ten sempai seemed to have tried to trick Naruto into something and Shikamaru had covered for him. Perhaps, he'd figured out a sort of intricate ploy set up for Naruto and was investigating. If that were the case, Shikamaru would take a little longer to get back but was under no danger. Shino knew the dark-haired boy well enough to believe that if Shikamaru had done something on his own will – and was not forced into something – he'd take the best possible route.

"… …… ……… …"

Shino communicated his conclusion through a long silence. Ino stared at the taciturn boy with squinted eyes. But the Konoha team members knew him well enough to understand such complex silence and agreed with him. However, Chouji was a little reluctant to give up the search.

"Still we should look for him." The chubby boy fidgeted, seemingly have forgotten about potato chips all together – a great incident – in his worry for their team captain and his best friend.

"It's Shikamaru." Kiba reassured him, thumping his plump teammate on his back. "Not Naruto."

"Hey!" Naruto protested. Neji gave the blonde a soothing stroke but inwardly agreed with Kiba.

Chouji seemed to relent at that. If there were a competition on who held to most confidence in their leader, all the Konoha team members would have run closely for first place. But Chouji would have won in the end. That was the extent to how much the plump boy had faith in his pony-tailed friend.

"Fine…" Chouji answered albeit reluctantly, pulling out a big bag of pretzels from his jersey pocket (somehow). "Then we'll wait for Shikamaru at the dorm. But if he's not back before afternoon practice, we go look for him again."

The boys agreed while Ino flinched uncomfortably at the idea.

"Yosh. That's a plan." Lee said decisively. "Then I'll meet you back at the dorm after I drop Ten Ten off at the hospital."

"Do you want someone to come with you?" Naruto volunteered, his beautiful blue eyes filled with an innocent, helpful intent.

"Like Naruto and me?" Neji added, his gorgeous white eyes filled with a stony threat, daring the bowl-cut boy to refuse.

Lee sweat-dropped as Ino calculated again how miniscule a chance Ten Ten nee-chan had with the Hyuuga – maybe even smaller than her own chances with Sasuke-kun…

"No." Lee said dryly. "No, I, er, I'll just go by myself."

Ten Ten – still feverishly happy in her mistake – rubbed against Lee ("GAH!") and cooed.

* * *

Shikamaru painfully remembered the reason he had needed to set up an early escape as his body sent signals wracking through his body. He took one purposeful, hurried step away from Temari and the blonde instinctively gripped the dark-haired boy's shirtsleeve. The pony-tailed boy and the blonde both stared at the pale gripped hand in surprise – the boy in an alarmed surprise and the girl in a discomfited surprise. 

"What the – !"

"You can't bail on me." Temari hissed.

Shikamaru stared at the blushing blonde girl and wondered out loud. "Then how am I supposed to go?"

Temari thought quickly. She could guard the entrance of whichever bathroom Shikamaru used – but there was always probability of escape. If the boy could blast out of concrete walls, it'd be hardly a challenge for him to hop out a back window. And if she let Shikamaru go back to the dorm to use the restroom he could simply rejoin his teammates. In that case, it would be very awkward and difficult on her part to somehow separate him from them if he resisted and get out Naruto's story; especially if his teammates were also against it being told.

Which meant Temari had to take the boy elsewhere and stay with him till she had received her end of the deal.

"We can go to some place to get a drink or something."

Shikamaru simply answered her with a withering look and Temari realized that the only 'drinking' place open now would be bars and nightclubs. They could go to a 24-hour store and talk over a cup of ramen – but then, those places were infested with stupid, mushy couples whose sight alone might threaten Temari's short temper.

That came down to her final solution…

"We'll go to a hotel." Temari told Shikamaru. "I'll charge in my father's name."

"You're not serious?!" Shikamaru told the back of the blonde, who'd already started walking out of the field towards the city pulling his wrist determinedly. Gah – ! Here he was, full-bladdered, being dragged by a woman who was strong and stubborn as an ox and going to a hotel.

Troublesome.

To the max.

But Shikamaru couldn't be helplessly dragged by a woman – that was too embarrassing. Especially since the woman would be paying for the hotel. And so, trying to keep what was left of his otoko's pride, Shikamaru quickened his steps after Temari.

* * *

Author's Note: Kukuku… 

_Shikamaru and Temari glares pointedly._

_Shikamaru: What's so funny!_

_Temari: You wanna die early, author person?_

_Author: Sorry, sorry… I just, you know… kinda can see what's coming up (mainly because I'm writing it…)_

_Shikamaru and Temari: What?!_

_Author: Kuku – ! Maybe we can see soon baby Shikamarus and Temaris… (does a joyful dance)_

_Temari beats author to a pulp and stalks off huffing – her cheeks flaming. Shikamaru bends down towards crushed author and clucks his tongue._

_Shikamaru: Oi, oi. It's not good to make that kinda jokes at Temari._

_Author groans in pain…_

Anyway, hope you enjoyed our extra long chappie and will return to read Chapter Twenty. Wow… twenty chapters already… whoa.

Love you all for reading and sending me reviews – they all encourage me to keep writing. So, um, please keep reviewing too!


	20. Chapter 20

_Author: (singing) Sorry everyone for the long long wait!_

_Naruto: Why the hell is she singing?_

_Sakura: Maybe she's happy she's done writing the chapter?_

_Naruto: It took her fucking long enough._

_Author: (still singing) Sticks and stones may break my bones but words -_

_Naruto: Shut up and let people read you lazyass._

_Author: T o T_

Here's chapter twenty! Please enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty_

Temari lay on the hotel bed, looking up at the ornate ceiling. To be perfectly honest, she'd never been to a hotel with a boy before – apart from Kankuro and Gaara and her father on 'family trips' (occasions where it was required for the great senator's family to appear together for the public eye). And to be even more honest…

The blonde girl blushed for what felt like the millionth time that day. She'd probably never blushed this much in her whole life – much less one day.

Okay, so there was that guy who tried to do it to her on a pile of leaves outside a temple, when her class had gone on the class trip. The sticks digging into her pale back had made Temari so irritated that she'd kneed the idiot in the balls before he could put it in her. And there was that one guy who'd try to ravish her on the billiard table at his house. Which might have been sexy in itself – since the guy was rich enough to have billiard tables at his private home and his aggressiveness had been rather manly – but when the guy had stripped out of his pants Temari had smacked him on the broad side of the head with a billiard stick.

How dare he try to fuck her with equipment that was too small to be even considered proper equipment!

Then there was that once removed cousin of the prime minister who was an activist for some third party environmental group. Her father had wanted Temari to 'actively lobby' him in bed so that he could pass some advantageous bill in the diet. Temari – ever the obedient daughter – had laid down to service the man who was thrice her age and had let it get to a point where he was even a little bit inside her. It was her first time and everything, but she knew – or rather felt – that the politician was really, really so bad.

She didn't know what she'd done till she felt the flower vase in her hand come crashing down on the man's balding head. (Which later pleased her father, because he could threaten the man with 'rape' charges to force him to make the political decision that her father wanted him to make.)

So yes – Every sexual encounter that the hefty blonde girl had experienced in her eighteen years of life had led to her brutally knocking out her partner before he'd fucked her. Which made her still –

_A virgin._

Temari swallowed loudly, listening to the flushing of water coming from the bathroom where Shikamaru was finishing his business followed by sounds of the boy washing his hands.

_He_ hadn't felt small at all…

Oh no – ! What the fuck was she thinking – ! She had no physical interest whatsoever in that arrogant Konoha freshmen even if he smelled really nice and had wide shoulders and was very manly and capable to an extent he could work his way out of any situation – gah! Gah! GAH!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Wait, no. Not fuck! Not fuck! No fucking! None!

Shikamaru emerged out of the bathroom to see an enraged Temari who was obviously trying to knock herself out by slamming her forehead with a pillow. The dark haired boy frowned and wondered if some annoying room service boy had come to bother the blonde girl. Shikamaru remembered with a grimace what'd happened at the front counter.

"Ah, Temari-san." The receptionist's voice had dipped in to an unctuous tone when he'd confirmed through computer and identification that the haggard looking blonde before him was indeed the daughter of the greatest politician in the Sangjin. "Yes, we have an exquisite suite available for you and your…"

The receptionist had turned to the dark pony tailed boy, equally haggard, and had offered the young master (probably some son of a corporate king) a mawkish smile. "Your male friend to do… whatever it is you want to do in…"

The receptionist gave them both a wink that had made Shikamaru's jaw drop open in mock horror and Temari's hair stand on end.

"It's not like that!" Temari had roared.

"Do you want me to have some toys delivered up, Temari-san?" A knowing smile. "On the house."

"IT IS SO NOT LIKE THAT!" The blonde was dying of a heat rash from her furious blush.

"We have a nice set of chains imported from the Netherlands." The receptionist gave a confidential smile, enjoying watching the blonde girl squirm in her embarrassment. "They are lined with mink so that…"

Normally, Shikamaru would have just watched the banter between the disgusting receptionist and the furious blonde. It would be too troublesome to interfere. However, the call of nature was making the usually lazy boy extremely impatient and he slammed his wide palms on the counter and roared.

"GIVE HER THE FUCKING KEY CARD BEFORE I FUCKING BREAK YOUR NOSE."

…

……

The key card was politely, silently, and shakily given. Temari glanced at a seething Shikamaru, impressed despite herself. And the two headed up to their expensive room – complete with a view – where Shikamaru could finally, finally, finally (after holding it in _all_ this time) use the pot.

Shikamaru turned back to the Temari – who was still trying to strike herself unconscious with the pillow – and gestured.

"Oi! Oi!"

The blonde looked up at him with contemptuous eyes.

"It might be more efficient to use the lamp." Shikamaru pointed at the brass lamp at the bedside.

"Die!" Temari snapped sourly, letting the pillow fly toward the pony tailed boy's head.

"Whoa – hey – !" Shikamaru was just able to dodge as the pillow whizzed by his shoulder and shattered a picture frame hanging on the wall behind him. The boy's eyes grew wide at the force of a girl's toss. Damn – ! She had a right arm to match a baseball pitcher…

"Knock it off." Shikamaru said, tossing a cushion off a nearby armchair at Temari. "You could have taken my head off."

The dark pony tailed boy hadn't meant to strike the girl with cushion. Temari hadn't expected him to and hadn't budged. So the cushion bounced – though lightly – comically off Temari's head. Shikamaru couldn't help but crack a smile at how the cushion left one of the blonde's pigtails askew.

"Okay. That's it." Temari glared, hefting another pillow. "Just die!"

"Hey – wha – !"

Shikamaru dodged behind the armchair as the pillow whizzed over his head.

"Hold still so I can kill you – !"

Shikamaru desperately blocked another oncoming pillow with a fluffy cushion. Temari had to acknowledge that the boy had nice reflexes before taking up the lamp at her bedside – prepared to knock albeit handsome, but arrogant head off Shikamaru's square shoulders.

* * *

Sakura skidded to a stop in front of the old equipment repair room, lugging a huge cart full of equipment. Inner Sakura had to pump shit loads of adrenalin to get the strength to move the heavy cart all the way here from her neighborhood but – finally, finally – she was – 

She was –

Oh.

No.

Sakura's green eyes grew round with shock. One side of the repair room looked like it was blown away – as if a wall had crumpled down – but that couldn't be – that couldn't –

The pink-haired girl rubbed her eyes and looked again.

Oh.

No.

Sakura dropped the handle of the cart with a loud crash and ran forward to examine the conditions of the repair room. It was still dusty inside but she could make out – mistily – the toppled shelves, boxes and a strange wired, sparking contraption…

Sakura felt faint-headed. At least she couldn't see bodies – but what the fuck was going on? Ino, she had to tell Ino that, that the repair room had blown apart…

But the pink-haired girl never got the chance because she tittered on her feet and passed out, her eyes spinning.

* * *

Naruto looked up at the ceiling of his dorm room, unblinking in the dark. The blonde couldn't sleep – he was worried about Shikamaru. Naruto didn't let on, but he knew that Tsunade had asked Shikamaru – and all his other friends as well – to make sure that nothing happened to aggravate Naruto's condition. And since Shikamaru was the unofficial leader of their group and official captain of their team, the blonde knew that the pony-tailed boy felt particularly responsible in his job of taking care of Naruto. 

In taking care of him.

Naruto swallowed, his throat hurting and his chest burning. Sometimes he wished there was nothing to take care of. That he'd hurry up and die so that he could get everything fucking over with. It'd be the end of missing the solid friction of the basketball court. End of the stringent emptiness he felt when he watched his teammates play. End of longing for the feel of the bumpy orange ball in his tight grip –

Naruto rolled his hands into fists and the pain of his nails digging into his palms ripped his mind from his pathetic melancholies. Screw it – why was he getting depressed? He had his friends, didn't he? He finally, finally, finally had friends – the best friends a guy could ever have – so he should stop moping about it and get on with his goddamn life. C'mon, dobe, be strong. Be strong for your friends.

With that resolution blazing in his mind, Naruto rolled over on his side to call out to a certain longhaired boy resting at his side.

"Oi! Neji – !"

Instantly, there was a reply. The Hyuuga boy had sensed the blonde's uneasiness and thus, hadn't slept.

"Hnn, Naruto?"

"Wanna get some ice cream?" Naruto's whisper echoed pleasantly in the darkness.

"Ice cream?" Neji repeated incredulously.

"Sure!" Naruto answered gamely. "We'll sneak out for ice cream and sneak back. And our manager will never find out! Kukukuku…"

"Naruto." Neji sighed. "_You_ are our manager."

"Oh." Naruto blinked. "Oh…oh right…"

Neji was silent for a moment and Naruto wondered if Neji didn't feel like ice cream. But before the blonde could change his offer to hot chocolate, the Hyuuga asked quietly.

"Just the two of us?"

"Please." Naruto replied. The others were probably asleep.

The word was barely out of his mouth when Neji said, "Okay. Let's go."

The blonde beamed. Naruto happily began to make a mental list of all the ice cream flavors he knew as he crawled out of his blankets. The older boy, however, had slightly different thoughts…

Naruto shivering in the cold of night (forgetting once again that it was boiling summer). Naruto wiggling into Neji's arms. Naruto pointing to a certain type of hotel – which just happened to be nearby – saying they should 'warm up'. Neji giving (more like feigning) reluctant agreement. And then…! Naruto's sweaty skin against Neji's – Naruto moaning out the Hyuuga's name as Neji pulled the blonde's beautifully tan body forth to receive –

"Ne-ji-ii-!" Naruto hissed, zipping into his basketball jersey and motioning for the older boy to hurry. Neji flamed – and hugely glad that it was dark – silently changed out of his nightwear at a lightening quick speed – only feasible when it applied to a certain Hyuuga whose goal was a certain blonde boy.

Watching Neji pull on his jersey, Naruto smiled fondly. Sure, Naruto loved basketball. But Neji – Naruto loved Neji more. Cos Neji had taught Naruto what it felt like to have friends. More importantly, Neji had taught Naruto to have a precious person…

* * *

Ten Ten rubbed her face against the back of Lee's neck for the fifty-third time that night. 

"GAH – ! Ten Ten!" Lee hollered. "Would you just - !"

"Hmm…" Ten Ten crooned, rubbing her face against the back of Lee's neck for the fifty-fourth time that night.

Lee wondered if this kind of trial – lugging a delusional, half-crazed girl to the hospital in the dead of the night – were also part of the great experience of youth…

"So are ya gonna tell me the story or what?" Temari asked sourly. She sat on the bed of the now severely wrecked hotel room. Her temper had worn down when she couldn't find anything to throw.

Shikamaru plopped down on a nearby armchair, breathing a silent sigh of relief and glad that he didn't need to dodge for his life. He was glad that he learned to play basketball – quick reflexes was the one thing that'd saved him from the blonde woman's rage.

What was the deal with angry women anyway? How did their power suddenly increase tenfold? And when this particular blonde girl was angry – gah! She was even scarier than his own mother.

"Sure. Since that was part of the deal." The dark pony-tailed boy said, offhandedly. Where to start? There was so much to tell about Naruto…

Temari leaned closely, curiously. She wanted to know about the blonde boy – wanted to know what sort of boy this Uzumaki Naruto was. Wanted to know badly for Gaara… As, the blonde girl leaned forward, her eager ears heard…

"A-ah-ahhhh! Ahhhh! _Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_!"

"You are _so_ damn tight!"

"Gawd Shuichi, push harder. _HARDER_!"

"Unnnnn. Munnnnn."

"Harder! Harder!"

…

……

………

An awkward silence passed between Temari and Shikamaru as the noise of the _ahem ahem_ sounded faintly but distinctly from the neighboring room. Shikamaru's eyebrow twitched – talk about one hell of disturbing background music…

Temari's face felt like it was on fire – was this another rude reminder that she was in a goddamn love hotel with a very hot, nicely built, _big_ but too-smart-for-his-own-good guy and how she was still a goddamn virgin? It wasn't helping at all in her fraught effort to keep those two facts totally separate in her mind – ! Gah! Weren't these places suppose ta be built with soundproof walls?

(Author's Note: They are supposed to be built with soundproof walls. However, the hentai owner of this love hotel thought that sound leaking from one room to another would contribute to turning on his lodgers. Poor Temari-san. (Author notes all this as author tries very hard to keep a serious face…))

"C-continue." Temari urged, her voice too loud in her attempt to drown the alternate noise.

"Ah – well, um…" Shikamaru coughed. "Naruto – "

"GYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK ME HARDER!"

"_OH MY GAAWD! YOU ARE GREAT!_"

The sensual scream drowned out the rest of the dark haired boy's words and Temari, feeling too hot for comfort, felt her insides boil and boil _and boil_… till her patience snapped and shattered into a bazillion pieces.

The blonde girl surged up from her seat on the bed and stormed out of their hotel suite, spitting mad.

"Oi! Where ya going?" Shikamaru called, running after the blonde girl.

Temari didn't answer as she stomped toward the door of the neighboring hotel room. Bringing her fist back, she banged loudly on the glazed wooden door. The screams didn't stop. Temari slammed her fist again, so powerfully that the heavy oak door trembled and bucked.

Bam! Bam! BAM!

Finally, the screams died down. Temari continued pounding till the room door was inched open and a very annoyed couple peeked out.

"Would you please keep your sex noises down?"

Shikamaru winced as the blonde girl's voice broke under barely hidden, scarcely restrained rage.

"Huh!" The boy snorted – not believing what the blonde girl was asking him to do.

"What the fuck – " His girlfriend muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Listen – this is a _love hotel_. If you have problem with sex, get out. Geez!" The boy scoffed, not noticing the pulsing vein so evident on the blonde's forehead. He turned to close the door behind him as his girlfriend complained loudly, "They weren't exactly quiet when they were having their rough sex – it sounded like they were cannon balling their walls down…"

The next thing Shikamaru saw was Temari's fist going through the heavy oak door. Soon, there wasn't even a door that hid the barely clothed couple from one very, very angry and very, very, very scary blonde woman.

"You wanna be fucked harder?" Temari hissed. "I'll fucking show you what it means to be fucked harder."

That was the only other warning Temari gave before she attacked.

The unfortunate couple's screams could be heard all around the huge love hotel.

* * *

Shikamaru followed Temari back to their hotel room after the sirens of ambulances could only be heard faintly in the distance. He remembered vaguely the only other time he'd come with a girl to a love hotel. 

Middle school. Whole class. Camp. And Ino had somehow dragged him off in search of another middle school camp – consisting of, specifically, one Uchiha Sasuke – and had gotten them hopelessly lost. It'd suddenly rained, more exactly, poured. They'd somehow stumbled upon civilization – thanks to Shikamaru's knowledge of orienteering and not Ino's whining of how they were doomed to a painful death from freezing, hunger, fatigue, inflammation, drowning (in the rain), constipation – and the only place this 'civilization' consisted of was a collection of hut/shacks which insufficiently housed a bitter, aged farming community and a dingy love hotel with an electric sign that only sometimes lit up and sparked electricity in the downpour.

Ino had made a big deal of having to spend the night in the hotel – which was paid for with Shikamaru's money – but – contrary to her threats about staying up all night to guard her virginity from the dark pony-tailed boy – had fallen asleep almost instantly when they'd come into the room, spreading her body evenly in away that she took up the whole entire surface of the cramped bed and leaving no room – and no blanket – for Shikamaru.

Shikamaru had spent the night perched on a rickety chair wondering if he was not a boy – or less of a boy – cos he was spending the night in extreme close proximity with a snoring blonde girl in a love hotel and he felt that fucking her would be one of the last things he wanted to do in the world at that moment…

But the situation was very different today. For one, Temari had paid for the hotel room fee. For another…

Temari plopped down on the bed again and ordered, "Okay. Tell me about Naruto now, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru blinked at Temari and Temari – smug about the fact that she'd put the two noisy disturbances in traction – offered the boy a big grin.

…

…Ha…

So – a woman who could tie up a girl in a lacey bra and gag her with a thong while simultaneously jamming a vibrator down a struggling boy's throat could also smile – almost sweetly, almost innocently… Strange…

It _was_ different from that hotel experience with Ino. Cos this time, this time Shikamaru was very, very conscious of the fact that he was a boy and the prettily smiling blonde before him was a girl.

Shikamaru grinned back as he sat next to Temari on the grand bed. "Wanna order some shrimp?" The dark haired boy suggested. "So we can eat while I talk?"

"Un." Temari agreed readily, stretching back to reach for the phone on the bedside to call room service. "And noodles."

Shikamaru nodded and added. "Something to drink?"

"Beer?"

"Why not?"

* * *

Author's Note: Wow! Can you believe that we are on chapter twenty already? Thanx to everyone for sticking with me for this long! I hope you continue to read my work. Lol. I love you guys. I really do. 


	21. Chapter 21

Author's Note: Finally! Time to reveal Naruto's dark past. There've been several questions about why Naruto couldn't play basketball and, at last, here's the answer. This will be a longer arc than usual - but I hope you likey!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-one_

"Him." The little boy pointed. "Don't talk to him."

The little girl looked toward the direction of the boy's pointed finger. The orphanage playground was overcrowded, noisy. But the specified blonde boy sat alone, at the shaded corner of the yard. There were so many orphans – so many unfortunate children – but by far, the most unfortunate blatantly distinguished from the rest. He sat looking around the playground but his blue eyes reflected nothing. He sat hearing the ruckus but his ears were deaf to the clamor.

Because he was alone – the most alone.

The boy was beautiful. His soft blonde hair fell across his sugar brown forehead. His blue eyes were a gorgeous watery cerulean. He hugged his legs in his arms and his smooth, thin body made an artistic arc. And so the only thing that marred the boy's physical beauty was that scar of loneliness.

The blond was aware of his disfiguring flaw. The small boy somehow bore the weight of an adult horror – because children shouldn't be lonely. Because children age too frighteningly fast in loneliness.

The girl felt a wave of compassion. "Why not? He's very pretty."

"He's sick." A brown-haired boy, hearing their conversation, spoke up.

"Sick?"

"Yup." A girl in pigtails informed the obvious newcomer. She _must_ be new to the orphanage if she didn't know about Uzumaki Naruto. "He's really sick."

The little boy that'd told her not to talk to the blonde explained, "His got a per-o-moan problem."

The little girl's eyes widened. She was impressed with the little boy's mature vocabulary. "Per-o-moan?"

"Uh huh." The boy nodded, self-authoritatively.

"What does it mean?"

At that question, all three children answered eagerly.

"It means that Uzumaki Naruto coughs up blood sometimes – when no one did nuthing."

"He sometimes even wets the bed – like a baby!"

"He's so sick all the time – last time I got in trouble cos he fainted when I didn't even touch him. He just plopped over!"

"It means he's stupid. He's the last place in all the classes."

"I know! I know! He gets sub-tactions and add-it-shins confused!"

"He's so stupid!

"Like a girl even though he's a boy."

"Yup, he's just a freak."

"When I get near him, my stomach hurts."

"The teachers act funny 'round him – even they don't wanna touch him. 'Cept maybe that one teacher…"

"It means no one wants to adopt him – ever."

The last statement seemed to wrap everything and the three orphans finally fell silent, shuddering at the most horrible fate. No one wanting to adopt you. No one wanting you.

No one.

"And…" The little boy whispered to the little girl. "You might catch his sickness, if you get near him."

The little girl gasped, the sympathy she'd felt minutes prior evaporating in pungent fear.

"You might get sick like Uzumaki Naruto. You have to be careful." The pigtailed girl nodded empathically.

"Don't play with him." The brown-haired boy added.

"Never play with him."

"I won't." The little girl swallowed, determined. "I won't ever go near Uzumaki Naruto. Never ever."

* * *

Naruto threaded his fingers into the links of the chain fence, looking outside. Behind him, he could hear the other orphans play. But he was use to it – being left out of the noise. He was almost immune to other's joy. And he'd soon be immune to his own pain. Soon, he'd not be able to feel this pain that throbbed in his chest. 

He wondered bitterly if this pain was also a symptom of his illness.

The blonde stared at the empty streets outside the fence of the orphanage. What'd happen if he crawled over the fence? What'd happen if he ran away? Would anyone notice? Would anyone care?

Iruka-sensei would care. Only Iruka-sensei, the only teacher in the orphanage that acknowledged Naruto's existence. Iruka-sensei took Naruto out of the orphanage now and then to buy him miso-ramen, came to keep Naruto company when the blonde was lying in the nurse's office from one of his excessive pheromone induced spells of weakness and sometimes was the very image of parents that Naruto only dared dream about in his most private fantasies.

But it was just too blatant that everyone else would be glad if Naruto disappeared. Well, he'd be glad too. He'd be glad to escape from the unwelcoming stares, the pointing fingers, the whispers of 'don't go near him.'

So Naruto would go! Naruto sat up straight at the sudden idea – but it made so much sense, didn't it? Naruto would go and return only when he was cured of his illness. When he found something that would make everyone acknowledge his existence. When he did something that would make Iruka-sensei proud.

When he did something so spectacular, he would be allowed to join in on the other's play…

The last thought made Naruto's heart skip a beat. He'd do it! He'd do anything – !

Naruto linked his small, tan hand firmly through the fence chain and began to climb…

* * *

Naruto gasped, his hands on his knees. He'd gotten away! At first, climbing the chain fence wasn't too hard – but he'd sort of got his shirt caught when he was trying to climb over the top. It was then that some baka had hollered for a teacher. Naruto had to run like heck to escape but escape he did. 

The blonde allowed himself a grin of proud accomplishment. He was on his way to accomplishing his spectacular thing – whatever it was. The only problem was… Naruto frowned, looking around.

He was surrounded by huge houses – did one of 'em really belong to one person? – built majestically with tall windows, heavy doors and elegantly designed exterior. Gah - !

_Where the heck was he?_

That moment, he heard someone coming down the sidewalk toward him. Instinctively, Naruto dove into the nearest bush. A buxom girl, listening to her mp3, roller-bladed past. It never occurred to the blonde – being wary of all people – to ask for directions. Instead, Naruto decided to wait it out on the bush till the girl disappeared from sight.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

At first, Naruto mistook the sound as his heartbeat.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

No, the blonde frowned, not his heartbeat. It was a sound from outside – outside his body. But where? Naruto crawled through the thick bush till he located the source of the beating noise. A pale boy – his age – was bouncing an orange ball on cement floor.

Naruto watched, fascinated, by the other boy's movements.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

The big orange ball seemed to obey every motion of that slim white hand and bounced prettily, making an even prettier sound. Naruto's eyes took in every flinch the pale boy made and the change it initiated in the movement of the ball. And it was – singly – the most gratifying thing the blonde had ever seen. The bumpy orange ball, the gorgeous, pale boy and the spectacular dance that unfolded in front of his blue eyes – beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Something spectacular.

Naruto jerked in his crouching position in the bush. That – this was it! This was the most spectacular thing a person could do! This dance with the orange ball! And Naruto wanted to learn how. He wanted to learn to play with that orange ball.

The blonde burst from the bush, startling the pale boy.

"Who-who's there?" The pale boy demanded with sharp authority, turning quickly around to face the sudden intruder and dropping the basketball in his hurry. The orange ball bounced toward Naruto, rolling round the blonde's feet.

Naruto delighted in the texture of the ball as he took up a basketball for the first time in his life. He peered carefully at the small bumps, the etched black lines; felt the rubber, pressing his fingertips lightly against the bumpy face of the basketball; and weighed the firmness of the ball in his palms. The blonde put to memory all his observations – he wanted to know everything and anything that had to do with his something spectacular.

The pale boy glared at the strange blonde – who'd suddenly burst into his yard – disliking how his question went ignored.

"You! Who are you?" He demanded again, accosting the blonde.

Naruto – almost having forgotten the presence of the other boy in his examination of the basketball – looked up at the pale boy.

A blush instantly spread on the pale boy's cheeks as he met the blonde's blue eyes. He'd never seen anyone so pretty. The blonde's round eyes seemed to be filled with water – or maybe filled with the sky. The blueness peered out from under long, golden lashes – searching the pale boy's own eyes.

"Can you teach me to play?" The blonde broke the silence. His voice was trembling very slightly.

"What did you say?"

"Teach me to do what you did."

When he didn't answer right away, the blonde smiled cautiously. The pale boy's blush darkened at the simple loveliness of the curve of the blonde's lips.

"It's not easy." The pale boy returned, his way of consenting.

Naruto delighted as the pale boy led him to the center of the smooth cement floor. Possibly, it was the first time that another boy had agreed to let him play. Naruto bubbled happily, "It looks easy."

The pale boy stopped at the blonde's remark. Coming from anyone else, the pale boy would have been disgusted with such a conceited statement. Coming from the blonde, it simply sounded honest.

"Watch me first." The pale boy instructed. He took the basketball in his small hands and dribbled it gracefully. The blonde watched him intently - which pleased the pale boy for some reason. He gently passed the ball and the blonde caught it firmly in his palms. "Now you try."

The blonde swallowed once and then, after taking a resolute deep breath, began to imitate the pale boy's dribbling. The pale boy watched, amazed, at how the blonde mirrored his actions perfectly then – the rhythm of the dribbling was changing. The sound the dribbling basketball made against the cement was changing.

Naruto frowned in concentration. He wanted to do this perfectly. He pumped the orange ball against the cement and at first delighted in the fact that the ball returned faithfully to his palms.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Naruto bounced the ball up and down – up and down – like he'd seen the pale boy do. But – matte –

Thump. Thump. Thump.

If Naruto slowed his bouncing, he could change the rhythm he made against the cement! After several tries, Naruto found that he could alter the speed of his bouncing and simultaneously, create his own beat.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

There! He liked that beat better!

Thump. Thump. Thump.

It sounded like his heartbeat, this ball. It sounded like his own heart – which finally didn't throb with pain anymore…

The pale boy watched the blonde dribble a little jealously. How could the blonde be so perfect? So pretty and so naturally apt at basketball – the pale boy had had to practice several times to perfect his own dribbling. But that initiating stirring of envy was instantly mitigated by another smile – this one bright and beaming – from the blonde.

The pale boy's heart beat faster as another blush crept up on his cheek.

"Here, let me show you something el – "

But when the pale boy extended an arm to steal the ball away from the blonde, the blonde instinctively twisted out of reach. The pale boy's eyes grew round with surprise. Did the blonde just guard the ball? Move so speedily away while still dribbling? But that wasn't possible – not if it was the blonde's first time playing basketball like he said.

The pale boy reached for the ball again – this time more aggressively – and the blonde fluidly whirled out of reach, sending the pale boy a taunting grin. Accepting the blonde's challenge, the pale boy speeded for the ball.

* * *

"You'd do my master much honor if you were to take him under your magnificent wing, Jiraya-sama." 

The guardian bowed low toward the big, white-haired man sitting casually on the leather couch. The great Jiraya-sama – one of the greatest legends in basketball history – sat so close by! It wasn't often a Japanese man was known internationally for basketball. Jiraya-sama was definitely one of the leading fathers of that honor. And now, he'd turned to coaching – so that he could rear the futures of Japanese basketball. The guardian trembled from the mere physical proximity of such a great man.

Jiraya yawned, looking round at the interior of the great house – a house that was built to enhance the prominence of the renowned family that resided in it. He glanced back at the eager guardian and considered the offer. He'd heard stories of the boy this man before him was referring to as 'master' prior to his visit – he'd heard the boy was talented. Maybe it'd be good to see what the boy could do and whether the rumors were rooted in any truth. Even if a fraction of such a rumor proved true, the boy would be a profitable find.

Jiraya inclined his head. The guardian instantly leapt to his feet and led the white-haired man up to the second floor balcony, which had a clear view of the basketball courts in the backyard. The guardian took it upon himself to obsequiously bow every other minute along the way. Jiraya yawned again, tiredly.

"There! My master's practicing basketball now." The guardian pointed, when the two men walked out to the balcony.

Jiraya looked and saw the named pale boy. But what caught his eye and interest was not the pale boy but another blonde kid, dribbling the ball away from him. The pale boy's movements were polished and graceful; he reached out precisely to steal the ball away from the blonde. However, the blonde somehow kept the pale boy from touching the ball.

The blonde's movements contrasted with the pale boy in that they were rough – didn't seem like anyone had bothered to teach him any form – and blunt. But the speed! – the power! – the little boy's movements were incredible. The pale boy was built to play basketball – his body was big for his age. The blonde, on the other hand, seemed even runty for his age – not built to play basketball. But Jiraya marveled again as the blonde twisted out of the pale boy's reach once more.

The blonde didn't need to be built to play basketball – the blonde was basketball. The bouncing orange ball was just another gorgeous extension of the blonde's pretty, smooth body.

"Who's that boy?! He's not supposed to be here!" The guardian roared, hurrying off the balcony – which had a separate set of stairs for this very purpose – down to the basketball court.

As the guardian frantically left his side, Jiraya beamed out at the two little boys. It'd been good to come, after all. He'd found the talented pupil he was looking for.

The great white-haired man smiled widely as his eager eyes rested on the blonde once again.

* * *

The pale boy gasped, lying on the cement and holding the ball under his arm. He'd finally succeed in stealing the ball away. The blonde boy lay down on the cement next to him, propping his head on the pale boy's belly. The two boys rested in that manner for brief seconds, enjoying the comfort of repose after a long game and thinking very similar thoughts. 

The pale boy didn't have friends. He had many who were willing to be friends – but never willing to be friends with him for the sake of being friends. He knew many other boys who were willing to be friends – or who's parents were willing for them to be friends – with his family's power, his family's wealth, his family's prominence – but never with him. So, the pale didn't bother. Either way, the pale boy was too busy living up to the expectations that naturally came along with bearing his family name to try to make friends.

But this blonde boy was different. Very different. He'd just appeared out of nowhere and had still been very willing to play. No standards. No expectations. The blonde was an easy playmates. And the blonde's athletic grace was as magnificent as the blonde's gorgeous smile and charmed the pale boy completely.

Naruto decided that he liked how his head slowly rose and fell with the deep breathes of the pale boy. Naruto decided he liked very much playing with the orange ball and confirmed again that it was this very spectacular thing he wanted to do in life. And Naruto decided he really liked playing with his new friend.

Finally! The blonde could describe what he liked and not only what he disliked! And during the whole process, he'd completely forgotten the pain in his chest. It'd disappeared, that empty beating pain… Naruto smiled another rare genuine smile, a rare event all in the course of one day.

"Hey, hey!" Naruto pushed his body up.

The pale boy frowned at the loss of the sensation of the blonde's head against his shirt and also got up. "Hmm?"

"We should be friends." Naruto suggested.

The pale boy blinked solemnly. "Friends?"

"Yup!"

The pale boy looked away. Che. The blonde was too cute for his own good… The pale boy wondered if he'd be lobbied all the time by that too-kawaii-for-its-own-good smile. He decided he didn't really care.

"Sure." The pale boy thrust out a white hand to grasp the blonde's smaller one.

"What's your name?" The blonde asked.

"I'm – "

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

The pale boy's reply was drowned out in his guardian's hollering. Naruto turned, staring wide-eyed, at the adult who was rushing him. Instantly getting the impression that he was being chased, Naruto leaned up to peck the pale boy's cheek before whirling round to disappear through the bush.

"Master!" The guardian gasped. "Are you safe?"

The pale boy was still looking toward the bush where the blonde had disappeared, holding the essence of the blonde's light kiss against his cheek. He turned back slowly toward his guardian – his slowly thawing brain now calculating that this man had interrupted the beginning of his first real friendship.

"…"

"I couldn't hear what you said, master?" The guardian asked, wondering why his master's face was oddly shaded in shadows.

"You are fired." The pale boy snapped, glaring steely eyed at his guardian now.

…

……

The guardian felt his soul fly out of his mouth as he turned into a slab of rock. His master – his dear, dear master – couldn't be serious? Could he? But looking at the sparked stare from the pale boy, the guardian had a sinking feeling that he was. But – ! He'd done nothing wrong – he'd tried to protect him from a strange blonde kid – and what about Jiraya-sama? What about his work in persuading Jiraya-sama to take his master under his wing?

The guardian turned around to jerk a finger up toward the balcony. The pale boy followed the direction of his guardian's point and frowned in confusion. The guardian turned around rigidly and his jaw hit the floor in surprise. Jiraya-sama had disappeared!

The guardian and the pale boy could not have guessed but the great, white-haired man had gone – gone after a certain, spectacularly talented little blonde…

* * *

Author's Note: And there's the first part of Naruto's past. Look forward to more additions and as always – please leave me a note! 


	22. Chapter 22

Author's Note: Here's the second chapter in the story of Naruto's past. Naruto's arc will be much longer than Gaara's, I suspect, though I'm not sure how much longer. Well, Naru-chan is the main character, after all.

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-two_

Naruto paused to take a breath after having sprinted quite a while down the street. Ha, ha... was that loudly yelling guy still chasing him? The blonde looked back but didn't see anyone. Nope. Didn't seem like it. Gah, thank you kami-sama!

As his body slackened, the blonde ran a hand through his golden hair and frowned. Chewing on his lip, Naruto thought back to the pale boy.

Had he really just kissed him?

Yes, Naruto had.

Then, the question was… WHY?

Naruto'd never kissed anyone before – never remembered anyone kissing him before. The only times he'd ever seen kissing at all before at the orphanage were when someone else got adopted, since, of course, something like that would never happen to him. So… So why…?

But, for a second, that was what Naruto was sure that he felt for his pale playmate. That he felt something that must be like what you'd feel for parents, for sisters or brothers, for people you care about – and people who cared back. For people you love.

People you…

Love.

Naruto looked back the way he came, his breath coming out more heavily – but not from exercise. Perhaps he should go back. Perhaps he should risk being caught by the screaming man to explore that rare emotion he'd felt for the pale boy. But just as the blonde dobe was deeply leaning towards going back, a huge white-haired man came charging down the street at frightening speed toward him.

Hot red panic shot through the little blonde. His instincts took over, sending hot signals for the dobe to run away. Naruto obeyed and RAN. He whirled on his heels and sprinted away, wondering why – why, why, why? – a beefy white-haired man was chasing him.

* * *

"GYAAAHHHHH!"

Jiraya smiled as he saw the blonde kid hightail it down the street, screaming at the top his lungs. So – ! The little blonde was fast as well! Incredibly fast, actually – especially for someone so young. Jiraya let out a low whistle. Such potential…!

But of course, Jiraya would have to catch him first.

The white-haired man smiled. He hadn't been considered a legend in basketball – and now thought of as the best basketball sensei alive – for nothing.

* * *

Naruto turned around and blanched. GAH – THE WHITE HAIRED GUY WAS MOVING LIKE FREAKIN' LIGHTENING! Fear flushed the blonde's system with adrenalin and made his legs pump at twice the speed…

* * *

Jiraya's eyes grew wide. That little boy was moving even faster – Jiraya was even having trouble catching up! That kind of speed couldn't be mere potential – it was a gift ordained by the heavens! This little boy was destined to become a basketball god! Jiraya would make sure of that!

The white-haired man also doubled his speed…

* * *

An hour later, Jiraya held firmly onto the collar of the squirming blonde. The said blonde didn't like this – he didn't like this one bit.

"Let me go, you big, old, ugly hentai!" Naruto wailed flailing his arms wildly in attempt to escape.

Jiraya felt his heart be stabbed brutally by the blonde's accented words. Big, okay… But ugly? Hentai? _Old_?

The white-haired man's fist came crashing down on top of the blonde's head.

"Yer a big, MEAN, old, ugly hentai!" The blonde burst out, attracting attention from frightened passerby. Jiraya tried not to pay heed to a middle-aged woman telling her daughter to stay away from pedophiles. Instead, the white-haired man coughed and brought the wiggling blonde's face level with his own to address him.

"Look, you stupid kid. I have a proposition to – "

Jiraya didn't get to finish the sentence because at that moment, Naruto's foot flew up at amazing speed and nearly knocked his jaw off. Luckily, Jiraya blocked the kick just in time. Unlikely, he didn't think to block Naruto's punch that caught him straight in his left eye.

BAM!

* * *

Three hours later, Jiraya – with a blackened eye – opened the trunk of his porsche. He pulled out one bound, gagged and seething blonde dobe and hoisted the struggle bundle to his broad shoulders. He couldn't believe it'd taken him so goddamn long to "recapture" the blonde, get back to his car and drive back to his house. The white-haired man would have given up on the insolent blonde the moment the brat had tried to kick him in the face but had been forced to consider when he'd felt the impact of the blonde's punch.

Damn the little dobe – he had too powerful arms to let go to waste.

Naruto's eyes grew wide as the mean, ugly, hentai, old man carried him towards a huge, white dome-like building. Ohmigod! Was this place – one of those big, state hospitals? Gasp! Did that mean that Naruto would now be subject to… gulp… laboratory testing?

GARGH!

Jiraya ignored the suddenly more rapidly resisting blonde and punched in the complex number code that opened the door of his house. The white-haired man did not pause to take off his shoes and stalked down the hall toward the indoor basketball court at the center of his house (the reason for his house looking like a dome).

Naruto stopped struggling as he was carried inside the indoor gym. Because, the blonde was marveling at the most beautiful room he'd had ever seen. The slick, glossy wooden floor. The multicolored lines drawn across it. The bright lights. Strange structures supporting hoops close to the walls. And, in the corner, a huge chained cage filled with those very beautiful, bumpy orange balls.

Jiraya dropped the blonde dobe unceremoniously onto a nearby bench.

"Listen kid – because I'm gonna say this once – I'm not kidnapping you. I just want you to play basketball, easy?"

Naruto raised one eye cynically. He still had his doubts about this obviously mean and obviously hentai old guy… but the blonde liked this haven he was in. And what was that word he'd just used? Basketball, was that what he said? Definitely, there was the word 'ball' in the sentence… So did that mean…

Naruto would get to play with the bumpy orange ball…!

The dobe gave an avid, assertive nod of the head. On seeing this, Jiraya leaned down to pull off the gag. Leaving the ropes on for the moment, Jiraya asked, "For how long have you played basketball, kid?"

Naruto frowned in confusion.

"Basketball? What the hell is that?"

Jiraya balked.

From what he'd seen before, the blonde's movements had been rough – he'd thought that it probably hadn't be long since the dobe begin to play. But not knowing what basketball was altogether? Was this little blonde was trying to fool him for some reason? It couldn't be possible – there was no way – no way whatsoever – that today had been the blonde's first time playing ball. Because, then, he couldn't be – logically _couldn't be_ – so…

Fucking talented.

Incredulously frowning, Jiraya undid the ropes binding the dobe with a scoff. When the blonde was free, the white-haired man grabbed a nearby basketball and threw it towards the blonde's chest quickly. The blonde caught it effortlessly – and strongly – in his small hands.

Jiraya scoffed yet again. Yes. The blonde was obviously just bragging. That kind of ease in handling the basketball could not be of someone that was playing basketball for the first time.

"Kid." The great white-haired man ordered and Naruto looked up from staring dotingly at the ball in his palms. "I want you to take that ball and shoot it through that hoop over there." Jiraya jerked a thumb toward the nearest hoop.

Naruto blinked, looking where the hentai-old man was pointing. A hoop was set very far up – and was it big enough to fit the orange ball in the first place? Un, it looked like it… But Naruto figured he should be careful not to miss this shot cos if he tossed the ball up and it hit the rim, it might bounce out of Naruto's reach. Then hentai old man might put it away and not let Naruto play with it again.

And Naruto had stubbornly decided he was going to hang on to one of these orange balls and take it back to the orphanage – even if his life depended on it.

Naruto started to stalk over to the hoop with the basketball in his hand when he had an idea. Perhaps he should practice that bouncing thing now – that'd be fun… Okay, here goes…

First time? Jiraya thought again, watching the blonde dribble the basketball. But the dobe knew to dribble – knew to dribble well, very well… Jiraya mentally scoffed for the third time at the dobe's lie as he watched the blonde move fluidly. When he was at a fair distance from the hoop, the blonde darted forward quickly to throw his short stature in the air and deliver a clean shot that sent the basketball slicing neatly through the air.

Jiraya raised an eyebrow. Nice. Needs work, but still nice…

The ball went gracefully, cleanly, precisely through the hoop…

…

…………

…through the bottom, out the top. Bottom to top. Bottom to top. Bottom to top…!

IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!

Jiraya turned into a rock as Naruto – happy that he'd gotten the ball to go through the metal hoop – jump up to catch the basketball, which fell faithfully back into the dobe's outstretched arms, again. Naruto was too busy crooning compliments to the basketball that he didn't know to dodge the oncoming fist.

"That hurts!"

Naruto doubled over, clutching his head as a big bump emerged out of his blonde hair where the white-haired man had hit him.

Jiraya couldn't believe it. The baka hadn't been lying! This was his goddamn first time playing – first time watching, probably – basketball! How else could the dobe be as stupid as to shoot a basket in the wrong direction? Jiraya hadn't even _heard_ of that before…?

"Yer MEAN!" Naruto – not knowing what the problem was – exclaimed tearfully and pointed an angry, accusing finger at the older man.

"And yer stupid." Jiraya snapped, reaching to take the basketball from Naruto's arms.

Instantly, the blonde jerked the ball out of reach. Jiraya's eyes grew round. He had to hand it to the runty idiot. He had heck of a quick reflex system.

Too bad he was unbelievably thick to match his once-in-a-thousand-years, remarkable talent.

"I'll give it back, kid." The white haired man promised. "Lemme show you how you're supposed to shoot a basket first…"

But the blonde just clutched more tightly to the orange ball and glared, with puffed out cheeks, at Jiraya. Gah, stubborn kid…! But, it'd probably take even longer to get the ball away from him then to get a new one himself…

Jiraya grumblingly went to retrieve another basketball from the sidelines. The blonde viewed his movements suspiciously. But it was good he was watching. Jiraya could give the little dobe his first lesson.

Naruto stared, round eyed, as the hentai old man bounced the ball powerfully down the slick wooden floor. This was very different from how the pale boy had handled the ball. The pale boy had gracefully moved _with_ the ball. In contrast, the white-haired giant wasn't allowing the ball its own movements but instead aggressively slamming the orange ball off the wooden floor. Complete dominance. And total obedience – total obedience on the part of the orange ball...

So much power. Naruto licked his lips, unintentionally. So much goddamn _delicious power_…

Naruto swiveled his head around to continue to drink in the white-haired man's movements. The big man leapt up and smashed the orange ball against the board on the back of the hoop, making the whole structure shake from the vibrant force. The ball clanged through the metal hoop and bounced away.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Naruto's heartbeat.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Thump.

"See, kid." Jiraya turned around to take a macho pose and flash his one-man audience a superior grin. "That's how you make a…you make a…"

Jiraya trailed off, eyebrow twitching.

Naruto was no longer interested in the white-haired man. Instead, the blonde was already halfway across the basketball court. Turning to face the basket, Naruto closed his eyes and tried to picture what it was that the white-haired man had done to prevail and attain that ruthless control on orange ball. Because Naruto wanted to taste that complete dominance. Because Naruto wanted to earn the orange ball's total obedience.

Because Naruto wanted to play basketball.

When he'd replayed the image over and over in his mind, Naruto begin to dribble the ball and tune it to the rhythm the white-haired man had used.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

No, quicker that that.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Oops, too fast…

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Finally when the blonde was satisfied he'd gotten the beat about right, he started to race down the court, dribbling.

Jiraya watched, fascinated, as the little blonde somehow imitated his own movements. Was the dobe naturally pumping the basketball so close to the ground to gain maximum control? Naturally matching the bouncing of the ball to his own steps so he could move as one with the basketball? And naturally pausing at the perfect distance from the basket to deliver a well-calculated shot?

Because, it was almost scary if he was. Scary that nature had borne the blonde in this way. Scary that nature had played such a harsh favoritism.

Naruto leapt up, concentrating on hitting the board in the back of the hoop. But there was one flaw in the dobe's calculation: Naruto had forgotten that he was about two times smaller than the white-haired man. Without the added height, Naruto's neatly thrown ball hit off the backboard too low and bounced askew – not going through the basket.

While the basketball jumped away, Naruto glared after it. He was angry that he'd not succeeded in succumbing it to his will like the white-haired man had. He'd done something wrong. He knew he'd done something wrong. Naruto closed his eyes again and tried to compare his rhythm of the basketball to the white-haired man's and opened his eyes in rabid frustration when he couldn't think of what it was.

But Jiraya didn't think Naruto's failure was lamentable at all. Especially for a first time. This little dobe had potential – so much – too much – potential that it was hard to grasp. He was _born_ to play basketball.

_Destined to play basketball._

And, on top of everything else, this blonde had passed Jiraya's test – the test that the other much more highly trained boys, some from prominent sports families, in Japan had failed –

Jiraya badly wanted this little basketball tensai as his pupil.

"Oi!" Jiraya motioned to the dobe.

Naruto looked up disinterestedly at the gesturing white-haired man (because he wasn't playing basketball now). Jiraya inwardly boiled. Did the stupid dobe know whom he was being difficult with?

"Whatcha want now?" Naruto asked, eyebrows arched skeptically.

Jiraya asked, "What's your name, kid?"

"…"

"Well?"

Another pause, then finally, "Uzumaki Naruto."

Uzumaki Naruto? Funny name, Uzumaki Naruto. Almost familiar. Shrugging it off, Jiraya continued, "Well, Naruto, how would you like to stay here with me?"

……!!

The blonde scrunched up his face and he bawled – as loud as a bull moose – "No! Because yer old and mean and a hentai and…"

Another fist to the head silenced the blonde's ranting. A twitching Jiraya continued to talk to the wincing blonde.

"No, dobe. Stay here and learn to play basketball."

Naruto blinked. Eh?

Naruto pointed to the orange ball in his arms.

Jiraya nodded.

Naruto pointed to the wooden ground under his feet.

Jiraya nodded.

Naruto pointed to the white-haired man in front of him.

Jiraya, nearly quaking with impatience now, nodded stiffly again and added, "Of course, the board and meals would be free. You'd be learning from _the_ master because I'm the great… hey, what's wrong kid?"

The white-haired man swiveled around to stare more closely at the blonde by his side. Suddenly, Naruto's eyes had grown so wide that it nearly filled up half his face. His grip on the basketball had tightened to such a degree that his tan knuckles were pale.

Naruto tried to keep his body from trembling as he tried to make sense out of the white-haired man's words. Basketball. It meant this orange ball. He'd been aiming at being able to keep just one orange ball. But this man had sad he'd teach him to play. And… to stay here. He said free meals... And… Stay here. Stay here!

"Are ya gonna adopt me?" Naruto blurted.

Jiraya's jaw hit the ground as he was rendered speechless. What in the holy name of kami-sama? ADOPT! Who? Him? Him as in Jiraya? Bachelor extraordinaire? Adopt – adopt this blonde? But wait, adopt? That meant the blonde was an orphan? How? Why? But, matte again, himself? Jiraya? Adopt? Blonde? Orphan? Who? Blonde? Orphan? Jiraya? Adopt? Blonde? Orphan?

GAH!

But slowly, slowly, in the big, white-haired man's mind, the question: Blonde? stopped leading to the question: Orphan? Instead, Blonde? begin to link with the answer Tensai Basketball Player! and Jiraya calmed down a little.

Uzumaki Naruto had the most promising basketball potential Jiraya had ever seen. It wouldn't be very much out of the way to adopt the blonde since, if the blonde became his pupil, he'd live at the white-haired man's house anyway. But, that wasn't what was so strange. What was strange was that, if Jiraya took on the blonde not only as a pupil but adopt him as well…

That'd make him a…

A…

Father?

Jiraya swayed on his feet as the blood refused to rush to his head. He'd only bargained for the greatest basketball player Japan would ever see – not a son! Of course the answer was ABSOLUTELY, COMPLETELY, INDEFINITELY –

…

Naruto was hugging the basketball to his slim chest. The blonde was looking straight ahead, not blinking, with watery blue eyes. The dobe kept chewing on his lips, his face contorted into a defiant grimace as if anticipating Jiraya's stillborn refusal.

After all, Jiraya relented, nobody ever said that being a tensai made you immune to that tragic curse of loneliness…

Well then. Jiraya sighed. That was that.

"Uzumaki Naruto?"

The blonde peered up at the white haired man carefully and Jiraya gave the dobe a half-smirk.

"Are ya gonna train hard? Basketball?"

His answer was…

Naruto's blue eyes twinkled as he balled one hand into a small but powerful fist. "You can have faith in me!"

"Then that's my answer to your question as well." Jiraya said, offhandedly, and ran a hand through his white hair.

…

………?

"The answer to my question is basketball?" Naruto frowned in confusion.

Jiraya sighed inwardly. Figured. His new son was a complete dobe. A talented dobe, sure. But a COMPLETE, UNDENIABLE, TOTAL, SUPER dobe at the same time... The first thing he'd have to do was enroll the kid in an elementary school or something.

"Hey! Hey!" Naruto whined, not knowing the white-haired man's mental worries and pulling on Jiraya's sleeve. "What's the answer? Wait. Before that, what was my question again? I kinda forgot since you took so long to answer…"

Maybe the white-haired man would start believing in those dumb blonde jokes…

* * *

Author's Note: Things are looking up for Naruto (for now, kukukuku…) And, yes, I do a mean Orochimaru imitation - you have issues with this?

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. Please tell me what you think!


	23. Chapter 23

Author's Note: Hello everyone! Here we have chapter 23 - the third chapter in the Naruto past saga!!

_Naruto: (grumbling) Why the hell is she singing this time?_

_Sakura: Well, you know, this chapter is a lot longer than her usual chapters. Maybe we should just let her sing…_

_Naruto: Yeah well, she's not exactly a lark, now is she?_

_Author: It's my fic and I can sing if I want to oh yeah bay be!_

_Naruto: (vehement glare)_

_Author: Er. It's my fic and I don't have to sing if Naruto doesn't want me to?_

_Naruto: (appeased) Yoshi. Yoshi._

_Author: (sweatdrops)_

Hope you enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-three_

Iruka looked up at the great house in front of him. The pony-tailed teacher had made it a weekly routine, coming to Jiraya's house to visit Naruto ever since the blonde had been adopted almost five years ago. But he still couldn't really get over how big the house was. Of course, one would expect the great Jiraya-sama to be rich – but the dome like building seemed big for an apartment building, much less a single person home.

Iruka sincerely hoped Naruto would learn only basketball skills from the big, white-haired man and not his way of extravagant living.

The pony-tailed man pushed the doorbell and almost immediately, a (super well endowed) young woman in a (super tight) maid outfit (with a super short mini-skirt) opened the door (super slinkly) with a (super sexy) smile.

"Hello cutie!" The maid giggled, spewing 'lust for me' vibes everywhere. "Are you here to see Jiraya-sama?"

"…"

Iruka was rendered speechless. When had Jiraya got yet another maid? _Another_ thing Iruka sincerely hoped Naruto did not learn from the white-haired man – his 'free love' for women.

Just then, a booming voice could be heard from inside the house.

"Megumi, who is it?"

"Ah! Jiraya-sama, there's a super cute stranger here to see you!"

"A super cute stranger? A lingerie model? An idol babe? A desolate and lonely sex goddess or?" Jiraya's eager face quickly appeared at the door and immediately fell into a disappointed smile on seeing the pony-tailed young man.

"Just Iruka." Jiraya sighed, hanging his head.

"Good afternoon, Jiraya-sama." Iruka coughed reprovingly. "I'm here to see Naruto."

"Naruto's not home yet." Jiraya answered and waved for Megumi to go. She skipped away (super sexily). Jiraya stared after her with a drooling smile for a minute before inviting Iruka in, "But come in. I'm actually waiting for someone. You probably want to meet him too since he has to do with Naruto."

"Ah? Who?" Iruka asked, instantly interested – his favorite topic being a certain blonde dobe.

To that, Jiraya said, "I'm thinking putting Naruto under him."

"Under him? As in a coach?" Iruka asked, following Jiraya down the wide corridors.

"Yes." Jiraya confirmed. He turned into one of the sunny rooms of the house and Iruka followed him, listening intently. "He worked as a basketball scout as well. He's seen Naruto practice a couple times and he's watching Naruto play in his practice game as we speak. He's picky about who he coaches."

"Ah." Iruka answered, setting down in one of the cushiony chairs in the receiving parlor. The pony-tailed man knew that if a coach had enough freedom to be picky about who he coaches, it meant that he was skilled enough to be allowed to have plenty of offers to choose from.

"Of course, he's nowhere as good as I am." Jiraya said, smirking, "But Naruto needs more than one teacher. He's too young to have his style be limited to one person's. _And_ he has capacity for much, much more - if I don't say so myself."

Iruka allowed himself a smile. Jiraya sounded boastful – but it wasn't about his own skills the white-haired man was so flauntingly satisfied with. The way Jiraya's voice deepened and grew louder when talking about Naruto – Iruka knew that the great white-haired man was actually very proud of his adopted son. Even his house seemed to show off this fatherly pride. Iruka looked around at the walls of the receiving parlor, which were decorated with pictures of a pretty blonde – at different ages – winning medals, dribbling basketballs, and shooting hoops. Jiraya – despite his bad habits – had proved to be a decent father.

Iruka thought this with an ironic smile, remembering how very suspicious he'd been when he'd met the white-haired man for the first time.

* * *

"Absolutely not!" 

"Eh?" Jiraya blinked at the furious pony-tailed young man in front of him. "Huh?"

"I said no! You can _not_ adopt Naruto!" Iruka repeated again, glowering, and crossing his arms over his chest.

Jiraya's white brow furrowed. "Er, why not?"

"Because… _you_… you…" Iruka's eyebrow twitched.

"I…?"

Because you drive a gaudy car; because you wear expensive designer clothing; and because you were – for the past ten minutes – oogling the orphanage nurse. Iruka thought flatly and very, very sourly. He'd had experiences with these perverse people – everyone in the past that'd wanted to adopt Naruto was because they were into cute, girlish children to do really bad bad _BAD_ things to...

But Iruka did not recite his deep fears. Instead, he said the words that'd turned off all the other pedophilic people that'd wanted to adopt Naruto before.

"Naruto has a problem with his TCAR ligand; his pheromones are out of control." Iruka said, wincing a little for the blonde, "It means that your medical bills would maybe triple – quadruple – if you decided to adopt Uzumaki Naruto."

A short silence followed this remark. Iruka looked at the white-haired man, who's expression had become unreadable. The pony-tailed teacher glared.

Finally, Jiraya spoke.

"And?"

Eh?

Jiraya smirked at the young pony tailed man, who blinked. "And Naruto being ill makes a difference how…? Er, did I mention I'm pretty wealthy?"

Iruka blinked again. Could it? Could it be that just maybe… Just maybe, this time…

BAM!

Suddenly, a small crash was heard from behind, followed by the shattering of glass. The two older men turned round to glimpse a blonde boy dart away past the door before they heard angry yells of "UZUMAKI NARUTO! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

Lightening and thunder. Typical in this orphanage. Iruka sighed. So, Naruto was anxious. Probably, that was the reason why he'd tried to sneak in and listen to their conversation. Iruka drew in his mind's eye an image of Yoshio's adoption last month. He remembered Naruto standing to the farthest side of the crowd of orphans while Yoshio received his new parent's affectionate kisses.

Naruto's pretty face had been blank, his pink lips without the slightest curve. The little blonde stood stiffly, not moving –except his fist was trembling violently.

After all –

Was a six-year-old asking too much when he wanted someone – anyone – to love him?

"UZUMAKI NARUTO! GET BACK HERE AND CLEAN THIS MESS!"

"LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

The shrill screaming of the other orphanage teachers interrupted Iruka's thoughts. The pony-tailed man got to his feet to stop them from being too harsh with Naruto when –

"Is this how an orphanage is run? Terrorizing the kids?"

Jiraya's accented words instantly sliced into the vehement of the yelling voices. The other teachers mewed meekly, just now realizing their actions were being overheard from an outsider. Iruka stared at the seemingly indifferent man in front of him sip his tea as if he'd done nothing special. The young teacher looked on till his smooth face bloomed into a smile.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

It really was Naruto's turn to be loved.

* * *

Iruka was shaken from his memories by Jiraya's voice. 

"Hatake Kakashi!"

"Good afternoon everyone."

In the doorway of the receiving parlor, a tall lean man with silver hair stood next to a blushing maid (not Megumi). Iruka noticed that the man was leaning his weight slightly on one foot in a way that set his body at a certain angle. The silky outlines of his powerful body were displayed sensually – almost provocatively. Hatake Kakashi was a beautifully impressively built man and – what was the more dangerous about it was – he knew just how to use his body to impose this already potent fact.

The maid next to him couldn't help but notice this too. She blubbered as she asked Jiraya whether she should bring drinks and seemed utterly devastated when Jiraya answered, "Maybe later."

As the maid departed – sending backward glances at Kakashi, who sent her a wink that made her fly away "gyah!"-ing – Jiraya introduced Iruka to Kakashi.

"Umino Iruka. Hatake Kakashi."

Iruka nodded stiffly toward the silver-haired man. He saw Kakashi had a red scar – also slanted sensually – running across his left eye. Iruka had time to briefly wonder whether the man had an unfortunate accident when Kakashi suddenly broke out into a pheromone-producing smile.

"Pleasure is _all_ mine." Hatake Kakashi bowed fluidly, taking Iruka's hand in his. Iruka was initially shocked stiff and just recovered in time to pull his hand away before Kakashi kissed the back of it.

ARGH! What the hell? Was this guy some sort of hentai? As Iruka was trying to calm down his pounding heart – and stop his head from spinning – a grinning Kakashi – who really liked shy and awkward young men – turned with raised eyebrows to a twitching Jiraya.

"Cute, this one." Kakashi pointed at Iruka, smiled widely.

Jiraya sweatdropped.

"Er, Kakashi. Before you hit on my guests, I think you have something to report." Jiraya coughed, interrupting Kakashi and Iruka sharing a grin/glower, and motioned for them to focus on the matter at hand.

"So did you see my son's practice game?"

"Yes." Kakashi nodded.

"And…?" Jiraya prodded, excited despite himself.

Kakashi closed his eyes as he saw again, in his mind's eye, the beautiful blonde boy flash across the basketball court. He saw futile hands try to tear the basketball that was being pumped in the blonde's small hands but the boy didn't even seem to notice these oppositions. Kakashi remembered Naruto jump up to deliver a perfect shot from a distance – from an angle – that _should_ have been impossible. But, so obviously, nothing was impossible for this blonde when it had to do with dancing with the orange ball in his hands. Kakashi had realized that Naruto's shots never ever touched the rim of the hoop. All his shots were perfectly calculated and fell straight through, cleanly through.

Naruto made sure he made no maybes in his playing basketball.

Kakashi opened his eyes again and faced his eager audience. The cute young man – Iruka – had his anticipation etched in his sweet face. Jiraya's expression was more guarded, but the young silver-haired man noticed that the great basketball star's dark eyes were alight with expectation.

After another exaggerated pause, Kakashi spoke: "Japan has many promising basketball stars, especially of Naruto's age. There's a boy, one year Naruto's senior, who's in the first year of middle school. Hyuuga Neji."

Kakashi gave an offhanded wave of his long fingered hands, as if dismissing the evident weightiness of his words.

"Neji's style isn't beautiful but more simple, more direct. There're no wasted movements in his plays. Neji plays with the maximum efficiency. And, despite his being so young, there's no match for him in middle school leagues – except maybe Kimimaro or Rock Lee."

"Rock Lee?" Jiraya wondered out loud at the familiar name. "Isn't he Gai's boy?"

Kakashi nodded briefly.

"Rock Lee's fast – very fast. He flashes in and out of various plays and though his plays aren't complex nor intricate, the contending players can't catch up to Lee's pace to do anything to block him."

"Haa." Iruka marveled out loud, imagining what kind of speed such plays would require.

"Then there's Uchiha Sasuke. The same age as Naruto."

"Uchiha Sasuke?" Iruka blinked. "Uchiha would be…"

"Brother of Uchiha Itachi." Kakashi confirmed, his gray-black eyes suddenly sharp. "The Uchihas are traditionally talented basketball players – its athletic history's epitome obviously being Itachi. Sasuke isn't as promising as Itachi, but even showing a fraction of Itachi's talent is nothing to scoff at. Sasuke smoothly displays Uchiha's precise, silky form – the perfect form. His plays are magnificent, terrifically brilliant to see."

Kakashi paused to balance his head on his fist before going on with his narration.

"And last, but definitely not the least, there's Gaara."

"What about Gaara?" Iruka prodded, wanting to know quickly where the silver-haired man was going with his commentary by his listing of all these talented basketball players.

"Gaara's also Naruto's age." Kakashi said leisurely, pretending successfully to be unmindful of the other man's cute keenness. "Gaara's style can be summarized in one word: flawless. There's absolutely no flaw in Gaara's plays – none. He's incredibly strong yet he somehow commends his own forcefulness with natural grace. Gaara doesn't even seem to be exerting himself while delivering crushingly powerful yet seemingly elegant shots. That boy is dangerous."

A short silence followed in the room as everyone contemplated on what had just been said. Kakashi retained his indifferent expression. Jiraya seemed almost amused. But Iruka was wiggling in his seat. So, this meant Naruto was up against lots and lots of competition. And none of his rivals seemed to be people to be taken lightly… Iruka hoped that Naruto wouldn't get hurt in one of his games. And what about Naruto himself? What did Kakashi see in Naruto?

Anxiously, Iruka broke the silence to ask the question, "And what about Naruto's future in basketball?"

Kakashi smiled. This guy really was cute, wasn't he? His expressions revealed everything he was thinking. How could a man his own age be so goddamn sincere…?

"Kakashi!" Jiraya interrupted quickly, seeing Kakashi's expression almost glaze over to a half-closed eye leer. "Tell us about Naruto."

Kakashi coughed, returning to the subject of basketball and moving away from thoughts of doing naughty things to a certain shy, innocent young man. The white-haired man opened his mouth and said.

"Naruto does not excel at any one thing."

Iruka felt his heart plummet and start to drown in his riveting stomach.

"Hyuuga Neji has effective grace, Rock Lee absolute speed, Uchiha Sasuke the perfect basketball form and Gaara natural power – but this boy, this Uzumaki Naruto – "

Uzumaki Naruto?

" – may beat them all – in every aspects_There is no one that can win a game of basketball against Uzumaki Naruto. After a few more years, not even Uchiha Itachi._"

A complete silence reined in the receiving room once again, echoing with the shadow of the silver-haired man's words, till a very timid, very quiet voice trickled through the tranquility.

"There's no record whatsoever of Naruto's parents." Iruka whispered, not knowing that he was reciting his thoughts out loud, "The orphanage has nothing on it – I've searched ardently several times. And, well, I used to tell the orphanage children a legend about a local forest sprit - an omnipotent hero. And, funny as this sounds, maybe Naruto isn't human and the legacy of that very folklore. Funny... funny how that connection isn't funny... I almost, well, I almost can believe..."

Iruka bowed his head in deep contemplation. Kakashi and Jiraya had to smile at the young man's sincere supposition. Maybe. Just maybe. Naruto was meant to me omnipotent.

"Chi chi!"

Abruptly, a loud voice broke through the house – ringing the ears of all three men and reviving them from their somber meditations. An energetic blonde burst into the receiving room. Twelve years old Uzumaki Naruto – silky blonde hair dripping with sweat, shocking blue eyes alight with excitement and slim tan body hoisting a light backpack, slinging a heavy gym bag and hugging the ever-present orange ball – glared at his adopted father.

"Chi chi!" Naruto demanded. "How come we have another weird woman in our house?"

"Dobe! I can hire anyone I want." Jiraya retorted back as his son continued to give him a disproving look.

"Sure, 'specially if she's got nice thighs. Huh?!" Naruto stuck out his tongue, sourly. "I'm gonna tell Tsunade obaa-chan that you got another maid!"

Jiraya balked. "Why the HELL does that old hag have to know who works at my own GODDAMN house!"

"Ha! You said hag – you said old hag – !" Naruto cackled, pointing a delighted finger at the now writhing white-haired man crudely lamenting his slip of tongue. "Tsunade obaa-chan's gonna love that one."

Jiraya collected himself together and gritted his teeth in restrain. "What do you want?"

"Lots and lots of miso ramen for dinner." Naruto said promptly.

Jiraya balked again. "We had half a ton of miso yesterday for lunch!"

"Hello?" Naruto spoke into his cell phone – which had suddenly appeared in his hand. "Could I please get Dr. Tsunade?"

"MEGUMI! LOTS OF MISO RAMEN FOR DINNER!" Jiraya roared, frantically flapping his arms up and down and signaling for his son to stop.

"I love you chi chi." Naruto cheered, instantly hanging up his cell phone and blinking angelically at his father.

Jiraya's eyebrow twitched as he sat back in his seat, grumbling about how obedience just wasn't what it used to be.

"Hello Naruto." Iruka interjected – smiling at the bubbling blonde who was now doing a wiggly miso-ramen dance.

"Eh? Iruka-sensei?" Naruto blinked on seeing the pony-tailed man and stopped in mid-hip wiggle. "Hey – yer here too! Great! You wanna stay for dinner?"

Iruka smiled fondly. "Maybe."

"That'd be great!" Naruto grinned.

Iruka was staying for dinner? That gave a certain silver-haired man ideas…

"I'm hungry for miso ramen too." Kakashi stated firmly. "I think I'll also stay for dinner, Jiraya."

"Why are you inviting yourself to dinner?" Jiraya growled, eyebrow twitching.

"Who are you?" Naruto asked, frowning at Kakashi.

"A tensai basketball teacher." Kakashi said promptly without blinking an eye.

"Oh really? Nice to meet you, I am a tensai - period." Naruto drawled skeptically and turned to Jiraya with a puzzled look.

Jiraya nodded briefly. "He'll be your coach when you enter middle school, Naruto."

"Ha…" Naruto stared back at Kakashi suspiciously and saw the older man smile coyly back. Naruto suddenly felt his stomach flip-flop and grimaced. He hoped that his new teacher wasn't some sort of hentai trying to seduce him or something.

Iruka twitched unconsciously watching this exchange.

"If yer gonna be my new coach, I'll show you a new move I came up with while blocking a guy during our practice game." The little blonde announced. "Mitte mirou!"

Iruka watched with interest as Naruto bent in to low stance, his powerful legs poised. Iruka had played basketball when he was in high school and college – and had been a leading center forward – and knew that the form Naruto was seemingly simply holding his body in was actually very laudable. Iruka leaned forward, anticipating the superior blocking move that was sure to follow.

"See, if a guy comes up close to block me – " Naruto gestured with his hands, outlining a shape of an attacker, "I move my body like this – "

Naruto twisted deftly away and –

"Do this!"

– crooned out in a high pitch, sultry girlish voice "Ah – ah – YA. Un! Stoooop." and tilted his body away to display his very smooth, very silky, tan neck.

Jiraya reached for a nearby tissue to clog his nosebleed while Iruka's jaw hit the ground. The only one who seemed to be unaffected by the 'basketball blocking move' was Kakashi, who nodded seriously at Naruto and said slowly and seriously.

"You are more talented than I thought."

"Maybe you are a tensai basketball sensei after all, if you understand such a tensai move." Naruto cackled as Kakashi came to his side.

"But I see that you still have much to learn. For instance, that move – " Kakashi paused, looking dangerously at Naruto.

"Huh?"

"Should be done like this!"

Kakashi twisted deftly around and twisted his hips in union, moaning, "Ah – ah – nunn – "

Naruto stared intently. "Ho? I see…"

"And next, you'd sort of move like this and – " Kakashi started to lean in the other direction and was stopped by Iruka smacking the white-haired man to the ground, seething.

…

……

"I-Iruka-sensei?"

"What is it, Naruto?" Iruka replied, panting lightly from his effort.

"You should take up boxing." Naruto said slowly, wide-eyed. Jiraya nodded, thinking that Iruka was a natural Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde.

Iruka coughed embarrassedly and blushed a tan pink. But quickly recovering and turning back to his perfect father mode, he asked sweetly, over the fallen body of Kakashi, "Besides that, how was your day at school Naruto?"

"Aside from the making up the new move?" Naruto began, thinking back. "Well, I played point-guard in today's game and –"

"Anything other than basketball?" Iruka probed.

Naruto smiled happily. "We had dumplings for lunch. The sauce was hot and really sweet, so it was pretty good."

"Er…" Iruka sweatdropped. "What about school work? Your classes?"

Naruto blinked, a little confused at the question, and then, just now remembering, exclaimed, "Oh right! I got my report card today."

The blonde dobe unzipped his backpack and withdrew a pile of white letters and a basketball magazine. Not finding his report card though he pulled his backpack inside out – cookie crumbs spilling out – Naruto turned to rummage through his gym bag. He pulled out a pair of basketball shoes and a jersey before finally unearthing a crumpled sheet of paper.

"Here it is!" Naruto said, handing the paper over to Iruka – the only adult who seemed to be interested: Kakashi was busy examining the pile of white letters and Jiraya was looking with interest at the content of Naruto's gym bag.

Opening one envelope, Kakashi read out loud: "Dear Uzumaki Naruto. Marry me or I'll throw myself to the pits of hell. Sincerely Jun. P.S. I love you."

Naruto twitched, wrinkling his nose. "Ugh."

"These are all love letters." Kakashi observed giddily as he went through the pile.

"Don't read those. They are like spam mail." Naruto grumbled. "They are annoying and, what's worse, they're everywhere. They suck."

Kakashi giggled. "But they are all from boys…"

"Don't rub it in." Naruto growled, the silver-haired man's comment hitting where it hurt. The dobe tried to snatch the letters back.

"Huh! This is from a teacher!" Kakashi laughed amusedly, opening a blue envelope and reading out loud again, "Naruto: Meet me in the teachers' lounge so that I can bleep, bleep, bleep you in bleep, bleep, bleep ways while bleep, bleep, bleep – "

A maid, who'd appeared to vacuum the crumbs her young master had just spilled on the floor, swooned and fainted at the hentai things coming from the sexy, silver-haired man's mouth. A fiercely blushing Naruto managed to grab the letter back and stuff it into a nearby trashcan while Kakashi entertained himself by reading the other love letters.

"Oi, Naruto." Jiraya called out, diverting Naruto's attention away from the silver-haired man.

"What?" Naruto asked.

"I think it's about time you got a new pair of sneakers." The white-haire man said, examining Naruto's basketball shoes and pointing where the bottom of the shoe was scratched up roughly. "The soles are starting to wear on this one."

Naruto's blue eyes lit up to a sparkling cerulean. "When?"

"We'll go at the end of this week, after your doctor's appointment." Jiraya said after a short moment's thoughts.

"Yosh!" Naruto grinned and then frowned. To the side, Iruka was spewing out sand from his rock-turned mouth as he stared at the piece of paper in his hand. Another maid vacuumed the sand that fell to the floor as other maids carted of the maid that's fallen unconscious.

"Iruka? Are you alright?" Jiraya asked, frowning as well at the young man's odd behavior.

At Jiraya's voice, Iruka seemed to come to life. Rearing up, the pony-tailed man leapt over the vacuuming maid and straddled the armchair where the great white-haired man was resting. The pony-tailed young man pushed the report card furiously into Jiraya's face.

"LOOK AT THIS!" Iruka yelled, indignant. "THEY ARE ALL D'S!"

To that, Naruto pouted, "Not true! I have a C in history."

Iruka, hardly appeased, glared at the white-haired man as Jiraya blinked at the report card in his face. Kakashi appeared at his side to look over his shoulder as well. After a moment of skimming it, Jiraya shrugged.

"Good job, son. No failing grade this time?"

"NO FAILING GRADE?! THIS TIME?!" Iruka cried, hysteric.

"Well, if you have a F you can't be on the basketball team." Naruto announced happily, not caring at all that his class rank was 317/358. "So I studied hard this year. Enough so that school doesn't bother what is really important."

Kakashi patted the small blonde as if he was a well-behaved puppy while Jiraya turned back to leafing through Naruto's basketball magazine in search of basketball sneaker ads. Iruka's head spun, wondering if this was the way of professional athletes, and rethinking his supposition about Naruto being that omnipotent legend.

* * *

"Naruto!" Kakashi waved toward the cute little blonde. 

"Huh?" Naruto snapped his head up as his white-haired coach's gesture towards him. The blonde hurried to Kakashi's side.

"Look at that."

Kakashi said, opening the grand gym door of the Konoha Middle School's slick new gymnasium. The Konoha district emphasized athletic education programs though Konoha Middle and High School was hardly famous for basketball. But Jiraya had chosen Konoha as the school to train Naruto and Kakashi had heartily agreed with the wise choice on hearing the reason.

"Look, Naruto. Your new teammates."

Kakashi pointed inside the gymnasium where the Konoha basketball team was practicing. Or more – trying to practice. Kakashi raised an eyebrow as one of the first year students dribbled the basketball off his feet and the ball rolled away while the dribbler bounced up and down on one foot painfully.

"Heh…" Naruto winced at the poor display and frowned lightly. "Kakashi-sensei, is this really my – "

"KAKASHI!"

A booming voice interrupted Naruto's worried question. The little dobe's gawked in surprise as a man in a supremely tacky bowl cut and impossibly more tacky skintight gym suit ballet jumped out from somewhere and struck a macho centerfold pose. After him trotted a boy in the same bowl cut and same skintight gym suit. The boy peered at Naruto with round, interested eyes – bottom eyelashes fluttering.

Naruto balked, terrified, as the bowl-cut boy's cheeks flashed two red blush circles when the blonde met his gaze. What the…!

Behind them, the older men were facing off. Gai was in an exaggerated western movie pose while Kakashi had opened a strange book with a big X on the cover.

"Gai?" Kakashi peered at the other man disinterestedly over the top of the book.

The bowl cut man answered this careless greeting with an over dramatic yell: "SO – ! You have sought me out to engage in a fight of youth? You foolish man! But – YOSH! What will it be? Basketball – one on one? H.O.R.S.E.? Three-point shots? Come, come! I can beat you at any game!"

As the bowl-cut boy suddenly did a little cheerleader dance in the background: "Gai-sensei! Gai-sensei!", Kakashi just looked at his book again.

"Eh?" Kakashi flipping a page and digging his pinky into his left ear. "Gomen. I wasn't listening."

Gai's mouth fell open and sand poured out. The bowl cut boy fell onto his face in mid pom-pom shake. Quickly recovering, the bowl cut boy – who on closer inspection had really strange, fuzzy eyebrows – dusted himself off and flashed a toothy grin at Naruto.

Naruto suddenly felt a little nauseous and inched away.

"My name is Rock Lee!" The bowl cut boy winked at Naruto, closing their gap with one long, purposeful stride. "And you are…?"

"Er…" Naruto squinted, feeling a chill run up his spine at the suddenly unctuous atmosphere. The dobe could feel the butter drip off his own skin as the gym floor became suddenly slicker from the oil. Out on the basketball court, some players were slipping and colliding with each other because of the added greasiness. Naruto turned avidly to Kakashi-sensei for help but saw that he was doing a (lewd) wiggling dance while reading his book and not listening to Gai ranting about how Kakashi was not in tune with the attitudes of youth.

Obviously, the blonde was on his own.

"Uzumaki Naruto." Naruto replied queasily, turning back to fuzzy eyebrows.

"Yosh!" Fuzzy eyebrows slapped his fist into his palm. "Uzumaki Naruto - !"

"…" Naruto squinted back.

"Date with me!"

"Eh-eh! EH!" Naruto exclaimed, taken aback at the sudden confession. What the fuck?

"I will protect you with my life – !" Lee gave the confused dobe a thumbs-up sign, flashing another toothpaste grin. "Love is one of the most beautiful experiences of YOUTH! You won't regret it."

"W-what the hell!" The blonde cried, aghast. "Fuzzy eyebrows – I'm a b– "

"Is that a nickname of youthful love, my flower?" Lee asked, doing the circle blush thing again and turning sideways to blow Naruto a kiss.

"Wh-WHOA!" Naruto screeched as a heart zoomed toward his direction. Using his superior reflexes, Naruto leapt over the heart and managed to avoid the heart from touching him.

"Yer good." Lee acknowledged. "Then – how about this?"

Lee began to send an array of hearts in the blonde's direction. Naruto frantically dove to dodge all the oncoming blown kisses of affection when –

"Stop Lee!" A sharp voice ordered.

"Eh?"

Naruto and Lee (and the floating hearts) froze in midair at the demanding voice. Lee in the middle of blowing a kiss on his tip-toes and Naruto in the middle of a Matrix pose. Naruto twisted his neck around to see who was the owner of such a cool callous voice – forgetting that he was in a really bent back only Matrix possible position – and lost his balance as he fell with a crash into… into…

…not the hard gym floor but…

Naruto blinked up at a longhaired boy, who was glaring sharply down with large pearly white eyes at the dobe that's fallen into his lap. The older boy had been sitting, almost concealed by the bleachers, and leaning his back against the gymnasium wall. He'd been listening to his mp3; his earphones flashed under his glossy black hair that fell down his shoulders, which contrasted greatly with his milky white complexion.

Milky white complexion…

For a split second, Naruto had a strong sense of dejavu.

"Neji!"

Fuzzy eyebrows began. But he was sharply cut off by the named boy pulling off his earphones and staring, mildly annoyed, back at him. After a while, Neji scoffed.

"Don't raise things like this, Lee. They'll only bother your practicing."

Naruto frowned.

Raise things like this…? Things?

Did this guy mean _him_? Just as Naruto was about to yell out a comeback, the longhaired boy picked up the dobe's blonde head and neatly deposited it off his lap.

CRASH!

"Ouch!" Naruto screeched, clutching his head as a bump rose from where it'd slammed against the floor.

The longhaired boy smirked, getting elegantly to his feet. He briefly paused to dust himself off and wind his earphones around his mp3 to put away in his pocket.

"That's why girls shouldn't come on to the basketball court." The longhaired boy raised an eyebrow at a wincing Naruto. "They'll get hurt."

"Who are you calling a girl?" Naruto demanded furiously, getting to his feet.

"…"

The white-eyed boy didn't even bother to reply as he turned around to go, his longhair shining in the gymnasium lights.

"Matte – !" Naruto roared, disliking being ignored. "I'm not done talking to you… you… HIPPIE BOY!"

…

The longhaired boy stopped in his tracks as blue static crashed through the air. Dark black clouds started to gather – despite it being indoors – and all the other basketball players ran to hide from the indoor monsoon. Lee began to pray to the god of youth for deliverance as Gai – who'd stopped in his argument with Kakashi on hearing the taboo words escape the little blonde's mouth – groaned and massaged his temples.

Neji turned around rigidly, his white eyes flashing and his eyebrow twitching.

"Hucks." Naruto sweatdropped on seeing the older boy's very, very, very dangerous expression.

"…"

Neji didn't say anything at all as he walked back stiffly towards the blonde dobe. Naruto, recovering from his initial shock, defiantly held his ground. An anxious Lee dove in between the two boys frantically.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Way. Lee." Neji growled in a low tone and more static electricity burst in the air.

"Neji –" Lee smiled. "Naruto-san didn't mean what she – "

"No." Naruto snapped, cutting fuzzy eyebrows off. "Of course I meant it."

Neji glared steely eyed but Naruto met the death glare and said again, in an even more accented tone of voice.

"HIP-PIE BOY."

Lee wept at the blonde's brashness. But Naruto, not quite grasping the atmosphere, stuck out his tongue at the now radiating-purple-aura, longhaired boy.

"How. Do. You. Want. To. Die." Neji glared, his white eyes meeting the blonde's bright blue ones.

"How do you wanna apologize?" Naruto shot back.

But before the two boys could do anything, suddenly, Kakashi stepped between the them.

"Now, now." The silver-haired man said, holding up his long-fingered hands. "Let's settle this in a civilized way."

"Whatcha mean?" Naruto blinked.

"…" Neji eyed the white-haired man suspiciously.

"By a basketball game, of course." Kakashi said simply, grinning a devilish half-smile. What perfect timing! Here was a good chance to assert _the reason_.

The reason why Naruto must join the Konoha team…

* * *

Author's Note: 

_Sasuke: Oi, Gaara._

_Gaara: …hn?_

_Sasuke: We are not… in this chapter…_

_Gaara: Yeah._

_Sasuke: …_

_Gaara: (stares expectantly at author)_

_Sasuke: (follows the redhead's glare)_

_Author: (starts coughing nervously)_

_Neji: (suddenly popping out of nowhere and mumbling to self) Maybe this fic is a NejiNaru…_

_Gaara: Wha!_

_Sasuke: Shit!_

_Author: Ha…ha… Nice joke, N-Neji?_

_Gaara: (eyes narrow)_

_Sasuke: (hefts kunai)_

_Author: Ne…Neji!_

_Neji: (has already left after making remark.)_

_Author: (turns to face an angry duo) Ah…well… you know, if you kill me, I won't be able to write anymore…anymore… NARUTO SMUTS!_

_Gaara and Sasuke simultaneously freeze and author uses this chance to run the hell out of there._

Hope you liked this chapter! Tell me what you thought! Thanks so much!


	24. Chapter 24

Author's Note: Here's the fourth chapter in Naruto's past. I am really enjoying writing the Naru arc. Anyways, I hope you like chapter 24 too!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-four_

In the middle of the basketball court, the two boys faced each other. The blonde supported a confident, cocky grin, the longhaired boy a serious half-frown. Kakashi stepped in between the boys, adjusted his collar – taking his own sweet time – and finally cleared his throat.

"I'll explain the rules." Kakashi drawled out, then faded away to a side-tracked, "Not that there's a lot to explain."

From the side-lines, a tense Gai shrilled out, "Get on with it Kakashi!" This outcry was immediately followed by a tearful cry from a hysterically worried Lee. "Naruto-san! Please, be careful!"

Kakashi dug a pinky in his left ear – as if to clean it of the needless noise – and lifted his head to look at the two boys again. Taking a basketball, he passed the orange ball to Neji who firmly caught it in his hands. The silver-haired man motioned to Gai to pass him another ball; this, he passed along to Naruto.

"The object of the game is to keep dribbling your own ball." Kakashi explained, "And at the same time, try to steal the other person's basketball. The person who ends up dribbling two balls will win."

"Ho." Naruto grinned more widely. "Sounds like fun."

When Neji didn't say anything, Naruto urged, "Hey, hippie boy? Sounds like fun, doesn't it?"

Neji glared back at Naruto and without bothering to reply, started to dribble his ball.

"Well then, let's begin." Kakashi waved his hand loftily and strolled off the basketball court.

Naruto stared at Neji dribble, noticing that there was no glamour at all in how the longhaired boy pumped the basketball off the floor, yet – there was no frivolity either. No uncertainty. Neji, was it, commanded the ball with stark efficiency stripped of all superfluous movements. It meant it'd be all the more difficult to steal the ball away from Neji –

– and all the more easier at the same time

Naruto began to dribble slowly, to give Neji a chance to get use to his own rhythm like Naruto had gotten a preview of Neji's. After a few moments of the show, Naruto began to move slowly forward the longhaired boy, intimidating him to make the first move.

Neji glowered at the fact that a girl – a scrawny girl – had somehow mastered such a smooth, powerful – purposeful – dribble. Neji instantly calculated that he did not have superiority in strength and couldn't use that factor to his advantage. But there was one evident factor that Naruto didn't possess – couldn't possess –

Naruto's frame was too small – not built at all to play basketball. Talent could only cover up for so much that your body was destined to handle. Neji would teach a valuable lesson to the ignorant blonde. The way to win was obvious.

Push close and dominate!

Neji shot forward, dribbling lowly to maintain his maximum efficiency. In the next second, his chest was almost brushing the little blonde's. Neji snapped forth his free arm to steal Naruto's basketball and just as the Hyuuga expected, Naruto could only move his shorter arm away a limited distance. Neji could reach Naruto's basketball easily, his much longer arms shooting forward to relieve the bouncing basketball from the little blonde's hand.

With a quick dribble, Neji broke away triumphantly dribbling Naruto's basketball…

…

… only to realize that Naruto was still dribbling a basketball – Neji's basketball.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Naruto grinned at the surprised Hyuuga, leisurely pumping the traded basketball in his palm.

"Oi, Neji." Naruto called out, "Yer really good. You took me completely by surprise."

Neji stared back at the blonde, stunned, as Naruto continued to talk.

"I've had guys who've try to use my smaller stature to his advantage before but damn! I've never had my weakness attacked so directly." Naruto's curved lips smoothened out to a determined line. "No wonder chi chi wants me to play on this team."

From the sidelines, Kakashi gave an invisible smile. It was true; Jiraya had wanted Naruto to improve stimulated by Hyuuga Neji's clean plays. Though Naruto possessed immense talent, his body was much, much smaller than the average basketball player. Neji and Lee, one year older than Naruto, would be much bigger than the little blonde. Not only that, Hyuuga Neji's undecorated efficiency would serve the cruelest and thus the most potent practicing partner for Naruto…

On top of that…

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Naruto grinned suddenly at Neji while still powerfully dribbling the basketball, "Can I ask ya something, Neji?"

"…"

Neji glanced suspiciously at the blonde, his mind not fully concentrating on the other boy's words. He was replaying in his mind what'd just happened. He'd pressed his own body as close as possible to the blonde's as much as he could without making it a frontal tackle. And, instead of pulling away to guard his own ball, Naruto had pushed even closer to steal Neji's!

"Are ya listening to me?" Naruto asked, raising his eyebrows. Realizing the other boy's white eyes were on his basketball instead, Naruto smiled understanding. "'Pose we have to finish this first before we can talk, huh? Well then…"

Naruto started dribbling faster.

"It's my turn."

At the blonde's warning, Neji instinctively crouched lower to guard his basketball. Kakashi, Gai and Lee marveled from the sidelines at how Neji seemed to make maximum use of even his slightest movements. Neji was more than prepared to guard his basketball as Naruto rushed forward and –

Much to everyone's surprise snapped his wrist hard and released his own ball powerfully to the side – too far! – out of his own reach!

Neji's body reacted instantly to Naruto's mistake. He leaned powerfully to the side to intercept Naruto's loose ball. The slight tilt in the Hyuuga's protective stance was all that Naruto needed to shoot his arms beneath Neji's outstretched arms and relieve the bigger boy of his basketball.

SLAM!

The ball that Naruto had flung to the side slapped off the glossy wooden tile and – instead of going forward into Neji's close hand – reversed its direction and returned to Naruto's expectant right hand.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

The whole gymnasium full of stunned onlookers watched a small, cute blonde bounce two basketballs simultaneously.

Thump. Thump.

_Thump._

Game.

Set.

* * *

Neji met Naruto's eyes and understood his mistake. "You put a reverse spin on the ball so it'd bounce back to you." 

Naruto nodded happily, simply enjoying the fact that he had two basketballs now to play with rather than the fact that he'd won the basketball match against the Hyuuga Neji.

"And you faked losing control of your basketball to make an opening." Neji continued bitterly. "I should have known."

"Yup." Naruto replied cheerfully. "But see, that's not why I won."

Neji raised a surprised eyebrow at the little blonde.

Naruto grinned widely, ceasing to dribble and scooping up both basketballs to his chest. "I won because I trusted my basketball to come back to me. And that made it two against one. Me and my basketball against you."

"Stop making juvenile jokes." Neji snapped back, annoyed. "I'm serious about playing basketball, dobe!"

"But I am serious too, hippie." Naruto replied instantly.

"Then stop trying to make jokes about something as important as this." Neji replied coolly.

In response, Naruto swiftly returned one of his basketballs to the silently irate Hyuuga. Neji caught it effortlessly in his palms. The blonde smiled noticing easily the other boy's inconspicuous grace.

"I wanted to ask whether ya like to play basketball, Neji." Naruto asked. "Aren't ya doing what you love?"

Neji jerked up his head to face the little blonde at that remark. What was the little dobe implying? How could someone who wasn't even properly built to play basketball beat him and then dare to ask such fucked up questions?

But Naruto didn't flinch at the longhaired boy's glower and instead grinned widely. "Because you should be serious about liking basketball too, right?"

Bright blue eyes met icy white ones.

"Because you should be serious about liking basketball as much as playing basketball?"

_Because you should be serious about liking basketball as much as playing basketball._

That moment was the first time Neji thought of the difference between tensai skill and tensai heart. The first time he asked himself whether basketball was something he was simply destined to be good at or something he did because he enjoyed it – because he chose it. And…

…the first time that Hyuuga Neji sincerely recognized the beauty in a girl's smile.

* * *

"Naruto-san's so GOOD." Lee wept, clenching his fists as he entered the boy's locker room, followed by Neji. "Not only is she beautiful and talented, she has such wholesome and youthful outlook on life – I'm MOVED! YO-OOO- SH! I'm going to train even harder starting tomorrow!" 

The overly aroused lean boy punched a nearby locker and his emotional punch left a huge hole in the metal door. Many of the other boys on the basketball team quickly high-tailed it out of the locker room as Lee began a wild dance of youth in tribute to goddess-of-youth-reason-to-work-hard-inspirational-Uzumaki-Naruto while simultaneously changing out of his uniform.

Neji nimbly evaded Lee's out-of-control movements – used to it – as he stripped out of his basketball uniform top. The longhaired boy mentally consented that Uzumaki Naruto was indeed not the usual girl. It was a shame she'd have to play for Konoha girl's basketball team. There was no girl that'd be able to match Naruto's basketball skills… Though, if she were coming into Konoha middle school, it'd be interesting to play one-on-one with her in the future. Neji pulled out of his basketball shoes and socks thinking how very unusual it was for him to look forward to meeting a girl again. As the longhaired boy was about to pull out of his pants –

SLAM!

"Hey! Can I use this locker?"

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

"WHY'S A GIRL IN THE BOY'S LOCKER ROOM!"

"NARUTO-SAN! DON'T LOOK!"

The last remark was made by a hysterical Lee – who'd turned the color of an overly ripened tomato – as he dove behind a row of lockers to conceal his unclothed body. Neji was frozen in the middle of stripping out of his pants, as he stared up at Naruto setting her gym bag next to him.

"What's up with everyone?" Naruto wondered out loud, looking round at the hysterically excited (and very turned on) locker room full of guys. When she didn't get an answer, the little dobe shrugged and started to pull off her own basketball shorts.

"STOP!" The Hyuuga boy cried out, leaping forward to save Naruto from performing her strip show in front of a locker room full of barely clothed guys. Unfortunately, Neji'd been only halfway out of his own basketball trunks and the Hyuuga heir uncharacteristically tripped. Instead of pulling Naruto's pants back up, Neji –

– pulled them down before knocking the blonde down onto the locker room floor and sprawling over her.

"Oof!" Naruto groaned, not noticing that a stunned group of boys were watching this scene and that one very embarrassed Hyuuga heir had his face up against his leg. (Luckily, Lee had passed out long ago when Naruto'd started stripping.)

Neji hastily pushed his face off Naruto's thigh and – blushing for all he was worth – started to stutter an apology.

"S-so-so-"

And stopped.

Because when Neji had fallen, his left hand had accurately landed where Naruto's legs joined. And because, there was a… there was a… a… well, a BULGE there.

Girls didn't have bulges in their boxers, did they? They didn't have that kinda equipment down there, did they? Did they! Neji's reason had been fractured in his hysteria but there was no way he could miss what this crucial information implied.

Uzumaki Naruto... Bulge in boxers... ♂

"Oi, Neji." Naruto's voice broke into the Hyuuga's stunned state as the blonde shifted beneath the much bigger boy. "Couldya, er, couldya move yer hand? Cos, that feels kinda funny…"

Naruto's sheepish giggle, his slight wiggle and the fact that Neji's hand was _there_ provided the three extreme ingredients that caused the one Hyuuga Neji to do yet another something that he'd never ever done in his entire thirteen years of life…

Pass out with a bloody nose.

* * *

"Class three Maeda Hiroko." Taki announced. 

"Hmm…" Junichiro replied thoughtfully. "I thought Matsumoto Aoki in class one was prettier."

"What about you, Kiba? Who do you think is the prettiest girl at Konoha middle school?" Taki asked, nudging the boy sitting next to him.

Kiba shrugged. "Maybe class two Hirose Yumi?"

"Heh…" Junichiro drawled. "Didn't know you liked girls with short hair, Kiba."

"But one things obvious." Taki said glumly.

"What's that?" Kiba asked.

"That all the pretty girls are in class one, two, or three – not in class four." Taki replied, surveying his girl classmates who were gluttonously having lunch. "Middle school isn't turning out to be so hot."

Two seats away, Shikamaru listened to the other boys' conversation with mild interest. It was only lunch period on the first day of school and they were already grading girls? How tiresome. Shikamaru yawned. He couldn't care less either way. All he really wanted to do was join the basketball team when it was time to choose clubs and be able to play some games during his middle school year. Things like pretty girls were way WAY too bothersome.

"Shikamaru." Chouji, sitting next to Shikamaru, nudged his friend. "Wanna go get some ice cream?"

"Eh? Now?" Shikamaru asked. "There's only twenty minutes left in the lunch period. Plus, my mom gave me money to pick up groceries on the way back. Your mom's nice so she won't say anything if you use some money for junk food; but my mom's meticulous when it comes to those things. She'd know and get really scary."

"I could buy it for you." Chouji said right away.

"Nah, Chouji, I borrowed from ya last time and – "

The rest of Shikamaru's reply was interrupted by the front door of the classroom sliding open. Everyone stared as a blonde girl leaned her hand against the doorframe, panting. And, as if in slow motion to the eyes of the surprised class, the girl straightened up and flicked her golden hair out of her impossibly blue eyes. Dusting off her uniform – though no one noticed that moment that it was a boy's uniform – she stepped up to the podium in the front of the class.

"Oi! My name's Uzumaki Naruto. I thought school started tomorrow so I'm a little late but – Let's be friends!"

That said, the blonde offered her new classmates a smile that instantly sent half the boys in class running for tissues.

Taki, his nose damned with a tissue, shook a knocked-out Kiba, exclaiming loudly, "I changed my mind! Our class has the prettiest girl!" while Junichiro, both his nostrils stuffed with tissue, fell on his knees and sent a grateful prayer to kami-sama for spicing up his middle school life.

Chouji had, for once, forgotten eating all together as he stared opening and closing his mouth like goldfish at the pretty blonde and Shikamaru decided – uncharacteristically fervently – to reconsider his opinion about pretty girls.

Naruto, on the other hand, had ?'s floating around his head. He was confused at why his classmates were K.O.ed for no reason. Maybe lunch wasn't so good? Shrugging, he surveyed the classroom for an empty seat. On seeing his searching eyes, the male population of the classroom started clawing their own neighbors to move and make room for the blonde.

But Naruto looked over the blood and skin flying and noticed an empty seat next to a hugely taciturn boy sitting in the corner wearing sunglasses. Hitching up his backpack, the blonde made his way toward the empty seat. Pulling out the chair, Naruto asked the silent dark-haired boy, "Hey! Is this seat empty?"

In reply, the boy said, "…"

"Huh? I didn't hear ya."

"…"

Shikamaru, Chouji and Kiba – who knew Shino from elementary school – was about to tell the beautiful blonde that Shino usually never said two words in a period of a month till they realized there was something _strange_ about Shino's current silence.

"C'mon, is this seat taken?"

"…"

"Huh?"

"…"

"Oi? Are ya alright?"

"…"

"OI! OI!"

"…"

Kiba had always wondered how guys like Shino would respond if ever a girl managed to turn him on. Now, he had the answer.

Naruto bellowed toward the close three, hysteric.

"HELP ME YOU GUYS! HE JUST TURNED INTO A SLAB OF ROCK!"

* * *

Naruto grinned sheepishly at his new classmates over the table. School had ended early because ambulances were carting off the wounded in the recent 'battle' and the five boys – Naruto, Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru and Shino – had stopped at a local burger store to wait for Hyuuga Neji and Rock Lee. The five freshmen were sure candidates for the basketball team – all the other boys who might have tried out were possibly in traction at the moment – and Neji and Lee were the current captain and vice-captain of the team. 

"Sometimes, ya know, things like that just happen." Naruto shrugged. "I mean, it could happen to any guy right?"

Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru and Shino stared back at their new friend in mock shock.

"C'mon. It never happened to you? Huh?"

"…"

"And it wasn't that _bad_ – was it?"

"…"

"Maybe they were trying to be friendly?"

'Maybe they were trying to rape you.' The four boys thought at the same time, remembering tiredly the disaster that'd happened just an hour ago in the nurse's office.

* * *

When Shino had turned to a slab of rock, Naruto had surprised everyone by displaying humongous power – that did _not _match his delicate frame – and hoisting Shino's stony body over his head to speedily cart off to the nurse's office. Shikamaru, Chouji and Kiba had run after the two, thinking that this was not one of the moments to try the age-old technique of 'impress-the-girl-by-carrying-heavy-stuff-for-her.' 

The blonde dobe had immediately attracted stares as he raced down the halls – not only because the top two buttons had come undone on his shirt and revealed more of the blonde's tan neck than a person of average libido could see without getting powerful urges to molest the little dobe, but because he was also carrying a boy while hysterically screaming, "He's HARD! He's HARD as a ROCK! I have to do _something_!"

The male population of Konoha middle school (even including some teachers) didn't guess that it was Shino's body that had turned to stone but instead thought something _else _was _hard_ that'd excited the pretty blonde. That, and seeing three other boys follow Naruto and Shino, gave them enough reason to horde after the group in want to join the 'orgy'.

"Wait a minute! I'm hard too!"

"Me too! Me too!"

"Hey! Why aren't ya carrying me!"

"I bet I'm harder than he is!"

Kiba, Chouji and Shikamaru had looked over their shoulders to see the mass of horny guys groping out towards them and blanched.

By this time, Naruto had arrived at the nurse's office. Dropping Shino on the bed, Naruto had turned to the surprised nurse and had bawled frantically, "Do SOMETHING! He's really hard!"

But before the nurse could do anything, she was interrupted by Kiba, Chouji and Shikamaru darting inside – panting heavily – and slamming the office door.

"There's – " Kiba began.

"– a freakin' huge horde of guys – " Chouji interjected.

"– chasing us!" Shikamaru finished.

Then, there was no need for additional explanation because that moment, the named horde of boys busted through the nurse's office door and dove toward a startled Naruto…

BAM! SMACK! BOOM! SMASH!

…only to be knocked flat by a tearful Rock Lee who'd appeared out of what seemed like nowhere. (Actually, he'd been bawling about 'forbidden love' in one of the beds in the nurse's office.)

Lee whirled around to face Naruto – who had hair sticking out in odd angles – and suddenly gripped the blonde's small hands in his own.

"Even if you are a BOY, Naruto-san, and even if I never expected _the_ love relationship of my YOUTH to be a GAY one, I promised to protect you for the rest of my life and, even if you are a BOY, I'll keep that promise." Lee sobbed.

After a brief pause, the bowl-cut haired boy cried out, "Be my BOYfriend Naruto-san."

The repetition of the word 'boy' in Lee's confession echoed in the blank mind of the onlookers. Boy? Who? Naruto? Uzumaki Naruto? A boy?

A BOY!

After a long and stunned silence, the most unexpected person broke it.

"HE'S A BOY!"

Shino exclaimed, suddenly sitting up from the bed (and no, this is not a typo.)

Except for Kiba, Chouji and Shikamaru who were too shocked with the fact that Shino actually exclaimed something (on top of the fact that their first loves had turned out to be a boy), the nurse and the horny horde of guys cried collectively, "Naruto's a BOY!"

The named blonde looked around at the group with a skeptical eye and asked curiously. "Duh. Don't I look like one?"

In reply to that question, every person present furiously shook his (or her) head at the same time.

_Doridoridoridoridori…._

* * *

"It's a good thing that Rock Lee sempai was there to take care of it." Shikamaru muttered, sipping his coke and trying not to stare too blatantly at Naruto's neck. 

"…" Shino, who'd returned to normal (for him) – except for the fact that he got a little stonier whenever Naruto addressed him directly – agreed.

"He's probably still busy taking care of it." Kiba noted, thinking back to how Lee sempai had jump kicked the biology teacher while slamming his fist in the stomach of a sempai who was on the karate team and still had to worry about the ice-hockey team jumping him. There were A LOT of guys to take care of...

Kiba peered at the cute blonde in front of him, innocently gnawing on a Big Mac, and thought how the movie _Troy_ made heck of a lot more sense now.

It was Chouji – stopping in the middle of biting into a French fry – who summarized all four boys' curious thoughts.

"Oi. Naruto."

"Eh?" Naruto looked up from his burger, mayonnaise smeared on his right cheek but still somehow managing to look deliciously cute.

After a moment of fidgeting, Chouji continued to ask, "Is it, er, normal for, um… for guys to um…sorta…"

"Sorta?" The blonde prodded curiously.

"…sorta feel weird around ya?"

"NO!" Naruto snorted promptly. "It's not normal for guys to feel weird around me – whatever gave you that idea!"

Before any of the four boys could protest, a longhaired boy approached their table. The five freshmen looked up to see Hyuuga Neji looking down at them coolly.

"I just got a message that we were meeting here about the basketball team." The pale boy said curtly.

When Shikamaru gave the confirming nod, Neji pulled up a chair and sat down. After a moment of serious silence, he casually leaned over and without warning tugged savagely on Naruto's cheek for no reason whatsoever.

"OW!" Naruto cried when the Hyuuga released him. The blonde glared vehemently at the longhaired older boy. "What the heck was that for?"

Naruto was too busy complaining to a smirking Neji that he didn't see that his other soon-to-be-teammates had sand pouring from their mouths. Naruto was _completely wrong_ about his presence not having affect on guys.

Because...

…_Who'd have thought the suave and sophisticated Hyuuga Neji was the type to do something juvenile like picking on the girl – in this case, guy – he liked?_

* * *

Author's Note: Special Edition 

**At The Psychiatrist (Part One)**

_Psychiatrist pushes up horned her glasses and turns to the incredibly handsome group of three boys – namely one Hyuuga Neji, one Gaara of the Desert and one Uchiha Sasuke._

_Psychiatrist: Okay, so let's get this straight. You all want to molest the same guy?_

_Neji, Gaara, Sasuke: (nod, nod)_

_Psychiatrist: And you don't know have any idea how to solve this problem?_

_Neji, Gaara, Sasuke: (nod, nod)_

_Psychiatrist: thinks really hard then says hopefully Maybe you can share or take turns?_

_Neji, Gaara, Sasuke: (dori, dori)_

_Psychiatrist: (who's actually into GaaSasuNejiNaru) And why not?_

_Neji, Gaara, Sasuke: (points at Naruto picture and simultaneously cries "Mine!" and glares at one another vehemently)_

_Psychiatrist: Er, we, kinda have a problem..._


	25. Chapter 25

Author's Note:

_Author: (crankily) Read and enjoy baka reader who does not appreciate me and what I do for you enough. Kuso. (kicks random empty can of Pocari sweat)_

_Sakura: (stares at author) Whoa, is it her time of the month? Huh. Wonder how she keeps her Inner Self so well hidden most of the time._

_Naruto: You are the one to talk…_

_Author: (broods in corner chugging a thermo of black coffee)_

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-five_

Neji didn't even call out the blonde's name, but Naruto already knew. The small blonde darted beneath the obstructing arm of the opposing player and twisted around just in time to gracefully catch the basketball Neji threw trusting Naruto to receive it.

"Naruto!" Kiba cried out, his dark eyes flashing toward the game clock where two seconds had just elapsed to one precarious second.

'Too far!' Shikamaru mentally groaned, seeing that the blonde was still in the middle of the court. The scores were tied – they'd have to go into overtime and –

But Naruto had already launched himself into the air! The blonde twirled around and released the ball gracefully, almost leisurely, from his hands. The ball soared past outstretched hands of the guarding arms, rolling in the air in an elegant, elusive arch. It was as if the ball was riding an invisible slope as it tumbled through the heated atmosphere above the basketball player's heads. And the basketball perfectly smoothly – achingly gorgeously – as if by a millionth in one chance accident – fell through the hoop without brushing the rim.

The time was already at zero and Konoha had won.

But – instead of the usual cheering – the entire audience was held in a startled silence. Everyone simply stared at Naruto, who was smirking at his own shot and humbly feigning that his genius grace was a lucky coincidence. No – no coincidence. It couldn't be coincidence, could it? The impossible doesn't bloom by some random lucky coincidence! So such a play was feasible, wasn't it? Naruto really had made that shot?

What finally confirmed what'd just happened was one lean, longhaired boy walking purposely toward the slightly sweating blonde. The older boy stopped right in front of much smaller boy, eyeing him critically. As pale eyes met a blue gaze, slowly the rivaling tension faded as identical grins appeared on both boys' faces. When both the longhaired boy and the blonde were grinning like hyenas, Neji drew Naruto forward into an acknowledging embrace.

And on that cue, the gymnasium erupted into ear-shattering cheers…

42 to 39. Konoha.

* * *

(Author's Note: Parody is a blessed thing. Kukuku… For those of you who don't know, check out the beautiful work of Inoue Takehiko. You'll definitely benefit ALOT from the experience.)

* * *

"I can't believe we have that English composition paper due tomorrow!" Kiba howled, faking a punch at the wall of shoe lockers in frustration. "How come I didn't know about this till today?"

"She only assigned it last month." Chouji shrugged, shifting the weight of his backpack to another shoulder.

"Oi, oi." Shikamaru gestured at his teammates. "Let's not repeat that scenario in the teachers' office last semester. You know, the one where we all got to our knees and groveled to be allowed to stay on the basketball team though our grades were too hideous to be seen straight with the naked eye."

"Except you, Shikamaru... I heard you were the top of our grade." Chouji noted proudly, as if the achievement was his own. "How do you do that? You don't have much time to study for tests."

"I guess." Shikamaru shrugged.

"Oh, really?" Kiba drawled dryly. "Me too. Gee, I wonder where I went wrong?"

Shino silently agreed. Even the stoic boy had been reduced to wordlessly bowing in front of his speech teacher to reconsider his being given him a Z. Or what would have been a Z if scores converted directly into letter grades instead of stopping at F.

"It's all right, Kiba." Naruto grinned, putting both hands behind his head. "I'll just pour a little bit of my tensai skills into schoolwork and I'll best Shikamaru in no time."

"It's going to take a lot more than 'a little bit of tensai skill' to unearth your grades from the underworlds, Naruto." Kiba sniggered, pulling open his shoe locker.

"Hey?!" Naruto hollered.

Ignoring the frenzied blonde (because an overexcited Naruto wasn't out of the ordinary) Kiba turned to instead complain to Chouji, "My shoulder is killing me after yesterday's game. I think I'll ice it down when I get – hey!"

Kiba pulled out a prettily wrapped package and a red envelope from his shoe locker. Naruto peered over the brown-haired boy's shoulder to see the girl's name – Kira – hidden among the hearts riddled the front of the envelope. Before Naruto could comment, Chouji – who'd opened his shoe locker as well – cried out, "Someone left me a bag of heresy kisses!"

Naruto whirled around to see a silent Shino emotionlessly pull out a string of brightly colored fan mail from his shoe locker as Shikamaru turned his shoe inside out and paper hearts tumbled out. As if to explain the whole situation, a group of passing girls squealed out, "You guys were fantastic at the game yesterday! Good luck!"

As the four boys scratched their head awkwardly – unused to the attention – Naruto determinedly turned to face his own shoe locker. After a deep intake of breath to calm his pounding heart, the little blonde threw open his shoe locker door –

– to find it crammed pull of wrapped packages and envelopes.

"Yosh!" Naruto cried, eagerly pulling out the first letter. Ripping it open, he read, "It's really hard for me to come out of the closet like this, but – "

Naruto immediately crumpled the letter in his hands and turned to yank out another gift. When he tugged the ribbon free and lifted the lid, he found a tube of lube along with a winking image-cut of a middle-aged man.

Another letter: "I didn't realize I had homosexual tendencies till – "

Handcuffs presented from a member of the opposing _boy_'s basketball team they'd played yesterday night…

"Forbidden love is so much more sweeter when – "

A copy of Chicken Soup for Homosexual's Souls…

"If ever you find your ass unoccupied – "

Soon a wailing Naruto stuffed all his fan mail and fan gifts into a nearby trashcan while his other teammates felt a little sorry that the dobe had not received one gift from the member of the opposite sex. Just at that moment,

"Oi, Naruto."

A hysteric Naruto looked up to see an overly composed Neji, flocked by his hordes of female admirers, smirking at him with a bemused expression (what would have been blatant gloating had it not been presented upon the Hyuuga's calm features).

It was too much for a dobe to take.

Naruto turned his head toward the heavens and wailed, "Nandattebayo!"

* * *

"Okay, Uzumaki! You are gonna get yerself a girlfriend!" Naruto told his reflection in the mirror of the boy's bathroom the following day. "You can do it!!"

"I doubt it."

A disembodied voice came from one of the bathroom stalls, making the blonde jump. Naruto turned, fiercely blushing, as Neji stepped suavely out of the stalls (or as suave as it is possible to appear with the sound of flushing water) and gave Naruto a superior eye.

"Just curious, dobe. Who were you thinking about asking out?"

Naruto was surprised into answering honestly, "Matsumoto Aoki. She's one of the cutest girls in class and I thought that – "

The blonde's words were cut off by Neji pulling savagely on his ears.

"That hurts!" Naruto rubbed the side of his head and glared at the pale Hyuuga heir, who'd actually done it out of habit, blink in surprise at his own reflexes. Neji didn't know why, but whenever he was around the smaller boy, a small sadistic voice at the back of his mind seemed to urge, "Pick on Naruto. Pick on Naruto."

"Whatcha do that for?" Naruto hollered.

Neji shrugged – a truthful answer.

Naruto, his ears still red, glared and whirled around on his heels to march out the boy's bathroom door. Neji followed quickly, hoping he hadn't made the little dobe too mad or really hurt him – not that he cared, of course – when they both looked up to see Matsumoto Aoki sha-sha-shing down the halls in her short uniform skirt.

"Aoki-chan!" Naruto spoke up, rushing toward the cute, longhaired girl.

"Hello Naruto." Aoki smiled adorably, almost glancing through the blonde boy in front of her to wink coquettishly at Neji.

"Um, hey…" Naruto fidgeted. "I was wondering if ya wanted to go to Sleepy Sundaes for ice cream with – "

"Of course not." Aoki said promptly, cutting off the rest of Naruto's offer. "Ice cream makes a girl fat or didn't you know? So, no way."

With a last look in Neji's direction, Aoki left a disappointed Naruto behind as she continued to shake her hips as she walked away hoping that a certain Hyuuga was noticing her enticing figure (he wasn't).

* * *

"Your house?" Naruto looked up at Neji, surprised at the older boy's unexpected offer. The Hyuuga boy had suddenly materialized in front of his classroom after the last bell and then had blurted out his invitation. "You are inviting me to your house?"

"Yes." Neji replied, smoothly.

"What for?" Naruto asked, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.

"…m"

"Eh?" Naruto frowned. "Speak up, hippie boy, I can't hear you."

Neji barely showed any reaction to the nickname and muttered, "…cream."

"What?"

"To eat ice cream." Neji snapped, a blush, though faint, distinct against his pale cheeks. "You wanted to eat ice cream, didn't you?"

"…"

When Naruto's silence prolonged, a slightly ruffled Hyuuga demanded, "Well?"

"Just surprised." Naruto looked up to meet Neji's eye. "You never invited me to yer house before."

Before Neji could reply the awkward, innate question, Naruto broke the tension by grinning, "Yer not as cute as Aoki but I'll cut ya a break. 'Course I'll go."

At that moment, the two boys were interrupted by a loud clearing of the throat. Naruto turned back to see a fuming Matsumoto Aoki. Naruto eagerly called out a greeting, "Oi, Aoki!"

But instead of her usual flirtatious reply, the girl just glared steely eyed at the blonde boy, "Hmph! Don't act like you are close to me, Naruto!"

Her frown instantly melted into a simpering smile as she turned to the tall Hyuuga boy. "Neji-sempai?" Aoki opened her already big eyes wider. "I was hoping I could interview you for the um… school paper! Maybe tomorrow at the Sleepy Sundaes?"

The pale boy considered the girl in front of him for a moment, glancing at a hurt expression cross Naruto's face at the fact Aoki had said Sleepy Sundaes. Before Naruto could mention it, Neji spoke, each word emphasized.

"No way. Looking at you makes me fat - and by the way - don't act like you are close to me."

Aoki and Naruto were both taken aback by Neji's uncharacteristic mocking tone. The Hyuuga's glare sharpened and his voice dipped into his usual cool tremor again. "And who says you can call me Neji?"

Leaving the open-mouthed girl stinging in the blatant rejection, Neji turned to walk down the hallway, gesturing back, "Oi, Naruto. Let's go."

The small blonde, shaking out of his stunned state, hurried after the older boy reprimanding him for making Aoki feel bad. But Aoki's disappointed ears only picked up the fact that the annoying Uzumaki was squealing, "Neji" this and "Neji" that and even sometimes demeaning names like "hippie boy/baka/prick" but how Neji didn't say one word about not addressing him in that manner.

* * *

"It would have been better to fake it, ya know? That's what he should have done – sorta twisted around and out." Naruto told Neji animatedly, weaving his thin tan arms to follow a complicated curve. In reply, Neji raised one elegant dark eyebrow and snapped coolly, "Idiot! A fake would only work if the second man wasn't that close!"

The two boys were riding in Neji's personal vehicle, complete with a private chauffer whose main job was to drive Neji to and from school. On these almost daily drives, the chauffer had noticed a certain pattern to his young master's actions on the way home: First, the longhaired boy would gracefully slip onto the black leather seat and then sprawl his long legs comfortably enough to show that he was not tending to something important at the moment but not enough to suggest laxness in his demeanor. Next, the young Hyuuga would prop his head smoothly on his right palm and look sideways out the window – possibly brooding about difficult subjects like the fate of man. Out of habit, the driver would ask his employer about his day at school to which Neji-sama would reply with a curt, "Yes."

Whatever the yes meant.

But today – today was different. The chauffer had realized it when Neji-sama had brought the young lady. She was the first of Neji-sama's female acquaintances to ever set foot inside Neji-sama's car – only Lee-sama or other members of the basketball team rode with them now and then. The girl, who Neji-sama introduced to him as the dobe, was beautiful, yes, but the chauffer had been curious why his employer fancied a girl who was his polar opposite. Naruto-sama was noisy and obnoxious – unlike the pale, stoic, emotionless Hyuuga.

However, as the ride continued, the chauffeur's opinion of Naruto-sama elevated. Bright and brimming with life, Naruto-sama seemed to fill the somewhat empty Hyuuga of the two things he lacked – ardent hope and innocent trust. If Neji-sama was white, Naruto-sama was all the colors of the world but white. Naruto-sama drew passion on Neji-sama's blankness, shared with him the confidence, the love of life that Neji-sama had forgotten while living his life as the cast-aside heir of the Hyuuga Corporation.

"NE – JI – !" Naruto whined. "A lay-up in that situation would have ended up with one guy having the basketball embedded in his face!"

"Only if his aim is as bad as yours, dobe." Neji snorted.

The driver smiled. It was a rare event that Neji-sama seemed to enjoy conversation so much. And, looking into the rearview mirror, the chauffeur saw that Neji's position was that of total recline – no tension of being somehow watched. But that smile froze on the driver's face as he saw a very unexpected sight waiting for him as he turned the bend toward Neji-sama's house.

A long black Rolls Royce Phantom parked on the drive.

"One on one my ass, Neji! I'll screw you either way." Naruto huffed.

Neji's pale eyes grew wide at the unintentional double entendre and the pale boy was about to answer when –

"Neji-sama – there – "

It was unusual for his driver to ever interrupt him. Neji raised his head, instantly alert, and his furious white eyes reflected a familiar Rolls Royce Phantom.

Hinata-sama.

"Naruto!"

"Eh?" The blonde by his side asked, slightly confused at the suddenly stony expression on his friend's face. "What – hey! Cool car!" Naruto looked over Neji's shoulder at the parked black car and gave a low whistle. "Yours, Neji? Gah! Yer as bad as chi chi! That thing's gotta cost a lot."

"Naruto, I – " But Neji couldn't finish his words, not with Naruto pressing so near to get a better look at the Rolls Royce.

"Didya say something?" Naruto turned to face Neji again and now the two boys' faces were so close that Neji could see clearly the long length of Naruto's blonde lashes. The Hyuuga boy's heart started to play a drum concert.

Damnit! Why now? Why are you here_ now _of all times, Hinata-sama?

"Neji?"

Neji quickly cleared his throat. "Get off me, dobe. Let's go inside for ice cream."

At the mention of ice cream, Naruto beamed.

* * *

"Of course, Neji didn't bother to mention which of his refrigerators he kept his ice cream." Naruto muttered, trying to decide between which of the three refrigerators to search first for ice cream. Maids and butlers had offered to serve ice cream to Neji-sama's friend but Naruto had irately declined their offer when they had called him 'ojou-sama'.

Why was he always, always, always, always, always mistaken for a goddamn girl by _every_one he met? Gah – !

Naruto tackled the first refrigerator in search of ice cream as he cursed his own girly appearance. Maybe if he went around shirtless people would catch on? No. More like he'd be molested every time he turned around – damn pheromones.

After ten minutes of fruitless searching, the little dobe began to wonder where Neji was. The older boy had told Naruto that unexpected visitors had arrived and he would have to talk to them for a while. Naruto said, good-naturedly, that he didn't mind. Relieved, Neji had pointed Naruto in the direction of the kitchen and had said he'd join him as soon as possible. Then, he'd disappeared down one of the long corridors.

Must have been some important visitors to get the stoic Hyuuga all nervous. Probably something really formal. Naruto wrinkled his nose – he hated it when Jiraya had people like that over – and wandered over to the windows. He could see an outdoor basketball hoop from here. Lee had mentioned an indoor basketball court at Neji's house; this one must be a stray court built simply because there was excess room. It would probably be hard to see from any other window on the first floor of the house.

Naruto looked to see if there was a basketball anywhere he could use to practice while he killed time waiting for Neji when the blonde suddenly glimpsed a small girl in the middle of the court. The girl was in a simple white sundress and wide brim sunhat, the whiteness of her attire only accentuating her pale skin more. Her black hair was cropped short to reveal a long thin neck.

What had caught Naruto's interest was the nervous way she was darting glances all around while clutching a basketball tightly in her small hands. Naruto felt affiliation towards the shy girl, thinking about himself nearly seven years ago at the orphanage. Feeling uneasy - really out of place.

The girl, believing that no one was watching, slowly took a shaky breath. Then, she started running as quickly as she could towards the hoop. When she got close enough, she launched her thin, small body into the air – extending her arms as high as she could. But the small girl's ball didn't reach anywhere near the hoop and the girl pitched forward, loosing her grip on the basketball.

Naruto laughed out loud as he realized; that girl – that small girl – was trying to dunk the basketball! Naruto felt himself identifying even more with the girl. Slam-dunking was the one thing Naruto could not do yet – he was way too short. Most middle school boys didn't have the height for dunking but, unlike other middle school boys, the fact that he couldn't bothered Naruto greatly. Because Uzumaki Naruto did _not_ want to be left out of anything that had to do with basketball.

The blonde continued to watch with warm blue eyes as the small girl dusted off her white dress and tried again …

* * *

Hinata spat out a harsh breath, her hands on her knees. She'd already gotten her dress dirty – now her advisor would know for sure that she'd practiced basketball and definitely reprimand her. But – Hinata looked toward the blue sky with tired white eyes – she wanted to play. She wanted to play basketball!

She would keep her grades up – she would be careful to not get hurt – so, please, if – !

If only she could play…

Hinata sighed again. Of course, it was a lot to ask. Basketball was an aggressive sport. Not only that, it was Neji nii-san's sport. It would be yet another thing she'd failed to live up to and disappoint her father. Though she was in the top of most her classes, she did not compete at all with Neji nii-san's academic prominence. Neji nii-san had ranked first place in last year's national exams.

"Do you believe yourself worthy of inheriting the Hyuuga Corporation, Hinata?" Her father had asked sternly, after comparing her grade report with Hanabi's. Hinata had placed top in six of her classes, in the top five in nine and in seventeenth in computer science. Hanabi, on the other hand, was first place in all her classes.

"Father, I-so-so" Hinata had started when her father had sharply cut her off.

"A Hyuuga does not stutter." Hiashi turned to pat a pleased Hanabi on the head. "Perhaps Hanabi is better suited to inherit the Hyuuga Corporation – or better yet Neji. Neji seems to have inherited the gift of Hyuuga genius most fully."

Hinata swallowed, blinking back tears. "I-I tried hard, father."

"Which would make it worse, wouldn't it?" Hiashi said, coldly. "You tried hard and you can not attain better results."

Hinata bit back her sob.

Hiashi looked at his trembling daughter and sighed, "You are dismissed, Hinata. I expect better next time."

"Yes sir."

Hinata felt the strength go out of her arms as she thought of her conversation with her father. The small girl tried to dismiss the sad thoughts as she turned her pale eyes toward the basketball hoop again. She still had time to practice while her 'advisors' talked to Neji nii-san about company matters. This was often the case; Hinata – though one day all of the Hyuuga Corporation would come under her name due to the inheritance tradition of their clan – was left out of decision matters.

It could be because her father did not trust Hinata's judgment…

Shaking her head firmly to clear it of depressing thoughts, Hinata drew in a sharp breath. She'd do this! She would! Hinata started running toward the hoop, as fast as she could, to get enough momentum to throw her body upward –

– upward – upward – !

Hinata felt her body balance in the air as she jumped up as high as she could – and though her own kinetic energy had been used up she was still shooting up through the air – up – up – up – ! The hoop was in front of her eyes and the small black haired girl forced the basketball as hard as she could through the metal ring.

SLAM!

Hinata's eyes grew wide in surprised delight before she suddenly fell – no! she and someone else suddenly fell down to the cement with a crash.

"Ow – !" Naruto groaned, taking the impact of the fall.

The small, black haired girl was lying on top of him. Luckily, she seemed more surprised than hurt. The blonde looked up at the swinging net and the ball bouncing away and exclaimed, "Hey! We did it! Great!"

Hinata's face flamed as she realized that she was sprawled out in the lap of the cutest blonde boy she'd ever seen. The short, dark-haired girl's mind played back what'd happened. She'd taken a running jump and…and! This boy must have caught her at the epitome of her leap, lifting her up while jumping up himself to push her up farther. His jump and hers combined had resulted in the slam-dunk!

And her lying on top of him now…!

"I am so sorry!" Hinata struggled to get up, blushing furiously. "Ar-Are you hurt?"

"Nah." The blonde said, hoisting her up while simultaneously getting to his own feet.

Hinata couldn't help but notice that his completing both feats at the same time took startling physical aptness and balance. Her blush darkened as she realized her awe was evident on her face and she ducked her head quickly.

The blonde stopped her from looking down by pushing her chin up so that her eyes met his. Hinata's eyes grew wide at the beautiful blue of the boy's eyes. He had the prettiest eyes… Her heart started to thump louder.

"Hey! You have the same color eyes as Neji, huh?" Naruto released her face gently, grinning. "Are ya his sister?"

"N-no." Hinata's face burned. "C-cousin."

"Cousin, huh? What's yer name?"

"H-Hinata."

The blonde boy thrust out one hand and said, "Uzumaki Naruto."

"U-uzumaki-kun?" Hinata repeated the name hesitantly.

"Naruto is fine." The blonde told her.

"Na-Na-Uzumaki-kun?" Hinata's upbringing didn't allow her to call the boy by his first name on their first meeting. "You-you-"

"Huh?"

"Y-you are on Neji nii-san's… nii-san's… basketball team?" Hinata gulped, not believing she was as bold as to ask questions on their first meeting.

"Yeah." Naruto easily replied, "I'm – HUCK!"

"Wha – " Hinata took a step back at the boy's sudden outcry.

"You think I'm on Neji's team?" Naruto grabbed the smaller girl's shoulders. "Neji's _boy_'s basketball team?"

"Y-yes." Hinata said. Didn't he just say so – didn't he…? Wondering if she'd somehow offended him, Hinata was about to apologize again when Naruto persisted in his questioning.

"His team as in a basketball player? Not a manager?"

"Yes." Hinata repeated again.

"You think I'm a BOY?" Naruto demanded.

"Of course." Hinata said too firmly. Then she instantly brought her hands to her mouth. He wasn't a boy? Was that why he – she? – was insulted? But – Naruto-kun definitely seemed to be a boy and –

Suddenly, Hinata was in the blonde's embrace.

"Yes! Someone who finally realizes I'm a boy!" Naruto hugged the blushing smaller girl, ecstatic that someone recognized his gender despite his pheromones…

…and not knowing that Hinata's heartbeat had quickened to a speed that made the small girl realize…

…she had to be…

…in lo –

"OJOU-SAMA!"

"NARUTO!"

In the next instant, a furious advisor had ripped Naruto away from Hinata. Or it could have been a furious Neji had ripped Hinata away from Naruto. When Neji and the advisor realized the other was implicating physical harm to Naruto/Hinata by their steely grip, both reached out to pull Naruto/Hinata away from the other.

"Neji-sama, how dare you try to hurt Hinata-sama!" The advisor glared furiously at the Hyuuga boy – who was preoccupied with shooting daggers with his eyes at Hinata.

"I-I'm fine." Hinata blurted, darting fearful glances between Neji nii-san and her own advisor. "Neji nii-san didn't hurt me at all I – "

"A bruise! There!" The advisor roared at Neji, pointing at the darkening skin so clear on Hinata's white arm. "Where you carelessly grabbed her!"

"I suppose even the slightest scratch on the _heir_'s skin is sacrilegious." Neji said, his voice cool in icy anger. "And your plotting to reduce the sum of land inheritance I was left is perfectly legitimate. After all, those who work for the _heir_ can do no wrong."

Neji's hold on Naruto's arm strengthened as the pale boy said, with so much hidden potency in his voice, "Even when they are trying to take what's MINE."

"Do you demean the Hyuuga main family – "

"Pedophile."

Naruto's sudden comment dammed all conversation in an instant. The blonde was pointing an accusing finger at the advisor and saying, "Pedophile."

"I beg your pardon – !" The advisor started when Naruto shrugged and said, "Leggo of Hinata or yer gonna make another bruise on her."

At that, Hinata's advisor dropped her arm like a hot potato, swallowing the angry words he was going to direct at Neji.

"Plus, Hinata's tougher than she looks." Naruto's eyes darted toward the short girl mischievously. "She can slam-dunk basketballs and everything. Probably one of the only girls in all of Japan who can."

Hinata blushed, unused to compliments.

"Naruto – " Neji began, staring at Naruto. The blonde turned to grin his fox grin up at Neji.

"And yer really uptight. All this MINE stuff – man, you should learn to share." Naruto tugged on Neji's arm and the blonde's touch seemed to calm the irate Hyuuga. "Like ice cream? Share ice cream with me? Huh? Huh? Ne-ji-!"

"Fine." Neji said, emotionlessly, his cold voice contrasting with pinkish tint to his pale cheeks as he ruffled Naruto's blonde hair.

Hinata watched the exchange with round pale eyes. Naruto had just stopped what might otherwise have turned into a major main family vs. branch families argument…

The main family referred to the direct descendents of the founder of Hyuuga Corporation – those who had ever held the possibility of becoming the 'heir'. The inheritance rule of the Hyuuga clan gave all the claims of the corporation to the first child of the main family. The heir. Since Hiashi was yet head of the Hyuuga Corporation, Hinata's sister Hanabi was part of the main family because there was that cruel possibility that Hinata would die before claiming her inheritance. But as soon as Hinata inherited the title of the head of the Hyuuga Corporation and made her own family, her younger sister would lose her standing as a possible heir – and a lot of her power within in the company – since that possibility of becoming a heir would then be transferred to Hinata's children. Also, all of Hanabi's children would be considered members of the branch family and her children's children would be considered an even more distinct member of the branch family – with lower standing.

It was no wonder Hanabi had grown up delighting in Hinata's misfortunes…

This inheritance rule also guided how the Hyuuga Corporations divided its major departments – electronics, nuclear technology, cars, construction, apparel, etc. The main family headed all major departments, the branch family the sub-departments beneath them and an even further branch family smaller departments. For a branch family member, there was always a limit that they could never pass in the Hyuuga Corporation hierarchy. This limit was innate in their Hyuuga blood and existed since their birth.

To insure the branch families' loyalty to the main family, the branch family was to reap the benefits of land that the Hyuuga family owned throughout Japan – _only if they wanted to_. Of course, many Hyuuga branch families took the offer. Great wealth attainable so easily was a temptation few branch families withstood. The case was a little different with Neji nii-san. After Neji nii-san's father's assassination – due to a scandal in the Corporation rumored to have been caused by Hinata's father's mistakes – Neji nii-san and his mother had to live off the revenue from their allotted lands. Because Neji nii-san was not a distant branch family (whose allotted plots were smaller) this revenue added to quite a lot of money. However, because all lands were _actually the possession of the main family_, it meant Neji nii-san would be indebted to the main family and would need to offer his services to the Hyuuga Corporation for the rest of his life.

Which meant Neji nii-san would be forced to work beneath Hinata for as long as he lived…

For this, Neji nii-san always looked at Hinata with his gorgeous pale eyes full of hate – full of despise. His capacity was hindered by Hinata's very existence. And his gaze summarized all the invisible tension between the main family and branch families.

But somehow – somehow – Naruto-kun had stopped her advisor from feeding off that family tension; calmed Hinata's own panic at the what seemed like inevitable fight; and had made Neji nii-san's look of hatred disappear. Naruto-kun had done the impossible –

– just like when he had helped Hinata fly for a moment in delivering an what should have been impossible slam-dunk –

"Ojou-sama." Her advisor said, carefully, "We are late for your next appointment."

"…lone…" Hinata mumbled.

"What did you say, ojou-sama?" Hinata's advisor turned towards the small girl.

"L-leave Neji nii-san's land a-a-lone." Hinata said slowly, painfully. "P-please-."

"Ojou-sama!" The advisor cried. "You don't mean to say you believe Neji-sama when he tried to hurt you just – "

"Please." Hinata cut him off, bowing her head. "We-we won't bother Neji nii-san again?"

"Ojou-sama…" The advisor chewed his lip, knowing that being the object of the heir of Hyuuga Corporation's despair was a dangerous predicament. And going against a direct request would be fatal. Not knowing what to do, the advisor fidgeted, "…we…better leave."

As Hinata followed her advisor out towards the Rolls Royce phantom, Naruto shot the small girl a thumbs-up sign, calling out after her, "Practice basketball Hinata! We can play one-on-one next time, neh?"

To the advisor's horror, Hinata gave a happy nod, "Thank you."

In the car on the way to Hyuuga main estate, Hinata looked out the window thinking maybe she'd ask her father if she could play basketball and…

…and thinking that she liked Uzumaki Naruto, the boy who could make impossible things happen, in a way that she'd never liked anyone before.

* * *

Unlike Naruto – who was next to him joyfully digging into his dessert – Neji simply glared at his own melting banana split. In his mind's eye, the lean Hyuuga boy saw the delight flash in Hinata-sama's eyes as she gazed at Naruto. And it was only too obvious to the intuitive Hyuuga.

Hinata-sama liked Naruto!

Neji's grip on his spoon tightened. How dare she? How dare she want Naruto? Didn't she already have everything? Why did she want the one thing Neji wanted most now? How dare she covet what was so rightfully his?

Neji wouldn't give Naruto up – never! He wouldn't allow another thing precious to him be stolen from his grasp. His future. His father had worked hard to raise Neji without relying on the land inheritance money so that Neji would be free of the tyranny of the Hyuuga Corporation. But because of Hinata-sama's father's errors – Neji's father was dead – his future thus fated – his life prisoner – slave – to the Hyuuga curse of inheritance –

Hinata-sama had stolen Neji's future and he would NOT let her steal his love. He would not lose to Hinata-sama. He would not lose to Hinata-sama –

Neji grip on his spoon suddenly relaxed and the Hyuuga boy dropped the utensil.

Were his feelings for Naruto born out of his rivalry toward Hinata-sama and the main family? Wait – when had he thought he liked Naruto in that way? When? _When_?

Neji couldn't remember! He couldn't remember when he confessed to himself that he liked Naruto! But he had ominous inklings of suspicion that maybe it was when…

…when he'd seen Hinata's pale eyes look with wonder at Naruto.

Was Neji's life always going to be dictated by the Hyuuga curse? Did Neji's heart also work in accordance to Hinata-sama's actions? That was it? His feelings were also slave to the main family?

"Oi, Neji! Neji!"

Neji looked up to see Naruto holding a spoonful of vanilla ice cream in front of his face.

"You can't even hold a spoon properly!" Naruto teased. "So say 'ah' – I'll feed ya!"

Neji's heart skipped a beat at Naruto's pretty smile and he opened his mouth obediently. Naruto dumped in a spoonful of cool ice cream and grinned again before turning to steal bites of Neji's banana split.

And Neji knew he didn't want to lose that dobe's stupid fox grin. Neji didn't want to lose. Neji didn't want to lose to Hinata-sama.

**No.**

Neji suddenly got to his feet, making Naruto spill some ice cream. The Hyuuga boy turned and bolted from the dining room, with Naruto yelling questions after him. The pale boy was deaf because his ears were filled with his own inner self-loathing rants.

Neji had just thought of Naruto as something to lose and win - it was disgusting! It was as if he loved Naruto –

– only because Hinata-sama did.

* * *

Author's Note: Great, this is turning out to be not only Naruto's past chapters but Neji's past chapters. Ah, well - the important thing is all will be revealed, right?

So, leave a long review and wait patiently by your computer till my next update.

Wait, did I just type that in? (image of nice, polite author cracks as author tries hard to hold it together)

_Kiba: (snorts) No, no. It's better this way. Now people see what you are like when your Inner Self comes out._

_Author: (puts a finger to her lips) That's supposed to be a secret, baka!_


	26. Chapter 26

Author's Note:

_Author: (looks off into the distance and sips green tea, pausing only to flick strands of hair out of her eyes)_

_Naruto: Um..._

_Sakura: Not recovered yet, huh?_

_Naruto: Not yet._

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-six_

"Neji's been avoiding me." Naruto told Kiba, on their way home from school. The two boys wanted to grab some burgers at a fast food joint. Chouji had initially wanted to go, but in the end he'd decided to help Shikamaru with basketball captain duties instead.

"How so?" Kiba asked, looking sideways at blonde. Did Naruto – obnoxious, loud, brash Naruto – sound just a little bit forlorn right now?

"Dunno." Naruto wrinkled his tan nose and sighed.

Kiba's eyes grew wide. "Naruto? Are ya alright?"

"No." Naruto sniffled pitifully.

"Naruto?!"

"I'm hungry!" Naruto whined, leaping to catch Kiba in a bear hug and be comforted.

The blonde was served a sharp smack on the head as a growling Kiba – furious that he actually thought Naruto was depressed – huffed and moved on.

"That hurt! Kiba no baka!" Naruto glared, getting ready to tackle the other boy for the hit.

"Shut up, dobe!" Kiba taunted, egging on the soon-to-issue-wrestle.

"Get ready to eat cement, dog boy!" Naruto challenged. "I'm gonna – Neji?"

Kiba swiveled his head around to see the lean, dark haired sempai standing next to a delicate, gorgeous little girl with huge white eyes. Kiba's mouth dropped open as he stared at the girl's long white neck and her short bobbed black hair. Next to him, Naruto blinked in surprise.

"Hinata?"

Hinata flushed, delighted that Naruto-kun had remembered her name. She was glad she'd worked up the courage to ask Neji nii-san to take her to meet Naruto again after all. Usually, Hinata never asked anything of Neji nii-san because she knew that he couldn't refuse any of her requests.

"Go-good day, Na-Na-Uzumaki-kun." Hinata bowed.

"Hello!" Naruto greeted cheerfully, not noticing the other girl's embarrassment. "You know, you can really just call me Naruto."

Hinata looked at her feet, mumbling, "Na-na-"

"C'mon. C'mon." The blonde urged.

"Na-Naruto-kun!" Hinata managed, her face flaming at just having the more friendly term escape her lips.

"That's better." Naruto grinned. He jerked a thump at the blushing spiky haired brunette next to him. "Ah, this is Inuzuka Kiba. He's on the basketball team too. Kiba, this is Hyuuga Hinata. Neji's cousin."

Kiba bowed his head stiffly. Hinata hurried to reply his bow.

"Hey, hey!" Naruto started. "You two should join us for hamburgers!"

Kiba's ears perked up at the blonde words and he mentally thanked kami-sama for letting Naruto be born. And for letting a girl as cute as Hinata-san be born as well…

"Do you wanna go?" Naruto asked, his blue eyes bright at his ingenious idea. Maybe after sharing an afternoon snack, Neji would stop ignoring him at school!

Ever since he'd gone to the Hyuuga's house and the longhaired boy had suddenly disappeared – an event over a week ago – it'd been incredibly icy between the two boys. Not only had Neji not replied to all of Naruto's greetings at school, the older boy didn't even look at the blonde when they passed in the halls. The only time Neji seemed to know Naruto existed was during basketball practice – but even then the longhaired boy only acknowledged the blonde enough to pass the ball to him. Naruto knew Neji was silent by nature but not to the extent where he gave someone on the same team the silent treatment for this long…

Of course, Naruto had tried to confront the damn Hyuuga. But he seemed to disappear every time Naruto tried to corner him. Once, Naruto had thought he'd caught up with him for sure – he'd trailed the older boy to a dead end alley – but when he turned the corner – no Neji. The only place Neji could have possibly hidden was in the nearby dumpster but even Naruto didn't think the older boy would go that far too avoid him.

Hinata was drowning in thoughts of her own. She wanted to go with Naruto-kun, of course, but she'd only been allowed to be away from her advisors because she'd promised to stick close to Neji nii-san – and even then she had to promise to be back within an hour. But – this was her chance to maybe even have a conversation with Naruto-kun – ! Pushing to the back of her mind her fear of how she'd explain her delay to her advisor, Hinata nodded timidly.

"P-please."

"It's just right around the corner there and – Neji?" Naruto stopped as he realized the tall Hyuuga boy was starting to swiftly walk away.

"Wait up, Neji-baka!" Naruto started, leaping forth to grab the Hyuuga's arm.

Suddenly, the longhaired boy's feet propelled him forward at top speed – evading Naruto's grip.

"What the – Neji – !" Naruto hollered at the sparkling speck in the distance that was now Neji. "I'm not going to let you get away again!"

With that the blonde shot after the Hyuuga boy, leaving a shocked Kiba thinking that there maybe was some truth to Naruto's suspicions about Neji ignoring him and an equally shocked Hinata wondering how she'd explain _this_ situation to her advisor.

* * *

Inuzuka Kiba's Guide to Having a Successful Date with a Girl: 

Do not think forever about what to say and end up starting the conversation with "Hey, are your eyes really that strange color or are they contacts?" Reason: She will stutter and apologize for five minutes, thinking she offended you.

Do not tried to cover up your slip of the tongue with "Yer really shy, aren't ya?" Reason: She will stutter and apologize for an additional ten minutes for her previous stuttering and apologizing.

Do not overreact when some bakas (namely your classmates Junichiro and Taki) nearby accuse you of having a kawaii girlfriend and smack the living daylights out of them in unrestrained embarrassment. Reason: She will fuss over their (worthless) carcasses and soil her pretty hands.

Do not try to impress her by trying to buy her burger for her only to realize you don't have enough yen and was planning to borrow from Naruto and end up having her pay for everything you eat. Reason: She will giggle cutely and make you turn the color of a stop sign.

Do not try one unsuccessful conversation after another and finally end up chattering –without stop – about basketball. Reason: She will grow really quiet, probably because she's bored.

Do not answer her question of "Na-Naruto-kun is good at b-basketball?" by going on and on about all the cool moves you saw a certain dobe do. Reason: She will start to resemble a donut and become totally glazed.

Do not try to redeem your actions by saying, "But Naruto's kinda girly, isn't he?" Reason: She'll look at you with huge, white eyes that clearly say she doesn't agree with what you just said at all.

Do not try to redeem THAT by saying, "I mean, he's really cute for a boy isn't he?" and then laugh your head off in nervousness. Reason: She will blush and agree with you by saying "I think so too."

Do not hate yourself for making the girl you are trying to impress admit she finds your dobe friend attractive instead and then consuming six additional burgers to counter your stress. Reason: She will probably think you are a disgusting pig.

Do not yell out in surprise like a sissy when her bodyguards suddenly surround you and demand you to explain why you kidnapped their ojou-sama before they shoot your head off with artillery you only thought existed in science fiction movies. Reason: She will be forced to speak up, something you've noticed that she doesn't like to do, and have to defend you – thus making you not her knight-in-shining-armor but her yours.

Do not get jealous when she – before going off fearfully with her bodyguards – hands you a plastic bag filled with all sorts of burgers – that you hadn't realized she'd bought – and asking you to give it to Naruto-kun and Neji nii-san. Reason: She will think you are a mean jerk when you try to think up excuses why she doesn't have to take so much interest in Naruto-baka and her own cousin and you will end up doing what she says anyway because she's the cutest, nicest, sweetest, politest girl you have ever met and you wish she'll like you despite your being a complete baka on your first date with her.

* * *

Naruto tried to drill holes into a certain Hyuuga's head as he got up to bat, though it was hard to see the older boy way out in the left field (some random sempai who was the grandson of the chief director of their school had thrown a tantrum and had insisted on pitching at least for the third inning and Neji, who usually pitched, was moved to the left field). The blonde had chased Neji all over town yesterday till both had dropped flat on their backs in exhaustion. Even then, the Hyuuga boy had somehow summoned the adrenalin power to crawl away from Naruto's reach. 

There could be only one conclusion: Yes, Neji was avoiding him.

"Naruto! Ball!"

The blonde dobe smacked the baseball on instinct, sending the white ball souring away and started trotting toward first base. But that wasn't the important question was it? The crucial thing wasn't: 'Was Neji ignoring him?' What was more important was: '_Why_ was Neji ignoring him?"

"Go to second! Go to second!"

Naruto jogged to the second base, easily evading being tagged out though deep in his thoughts. So, another question would be: 'How was Naruto going to find out what he'd done wrong?' Naruto had thought Neji had acknowledged him – especially after their most recent game when they'd shared high-fives. It meant a lot to Naruto, being acknowledged by his teammates. The blonde hated it when he was secluded so utterly – it reminded him of the orphanage.

Gah! Why the fuck was Neji acting so strangely?

…

Could it be that he no longer wanted to be friends with Naruto?

Naruto jerked his head up to look towards Neji at that thought. Simultaneously, a great 'BAM' was heard. The blonde whipped his head back and forth, seeing that their school's star homerun slugger had just hit the ball and it was flying directly at the Hyuuga – who didn't even seem to realize it was coming!

And Naruto's body reacted on instinct.

The little blonde cried out when the ball slammed off his shoulder blades with a loud CRACK. The dobe felt faint headed by the pain but the fact that he was hurt meant he'd got between the baseball and Neji in time. Naruto smiled.

"NARUTO!"

And Naruto saw Neji's pale white eyes looking into his.

"I didn't fucking need your goddamn help! Why did you – " The Hyuuga boy roared, hysteric as he saw flashes of pain cross the dobe's face.

Naruto's head buzzed. Why was Neji so loud? Stupid Hyuuga. Baka Neji. Idiot prick. But at least hippie boy was talking to him now… That was good. That meant they could still be friends…

"S-shut up." The blonde choked out, clutching his broken shoulder. "I-I just veered a l-little off course, that's all… It had nothing to do with you at all…don't be so c-conceited, Hyuuga…"

With that, Naruto closed his eyes and fell unconscious, his right arm twisted at an angle that _shouldn't have been possible._

Neji's mind was white. Naruto was –

Naruto was –

"AAAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhHHHHHHH!"

The pale boy held the wounded blonde in his arms and screamed out in beastly panic.

* * *

"Naruto." 

When Neji cleared his throat, the blonde looked up from his conversation with a huge white-haired man – who Neji realized with a start was the great Jiraya-sama – and grinned cheerfully at his visitor.

"Oi! Neji!" Naruto almost picked up his right hand to wave. Jiraya stopped him, muttering, "Baka."

"Thanks so much chi chi." Naruto laughed sheepishly.

Chi chi? Neji blinked in evident surprise. The basketball legend Jiraya-sama was Naruto's father? How could that be? Then why was the dobe named Uzumaki Naruto? And why did he walk to and from school when he probably had enough yen to use as toilet paper? Why didn't he mention Jiraya at school or…?

"Didya bring me something, Neji?" Naruto called out, rescuing the Hyuuga's mind from drowning in a myriad of silent questions.

Awkwardly, Neji pushed forth a bouquet of flowers. He hadn't intended to buy flowers, but he'd forgotten to bring a gift because he was in such a hurry to arrive at the hospital as soon as Naruto was allowed to receive guests. The flower shop was right in front of the hospital and the longhaired boy had to hastily make do with this purchase.

"Charming." Jiraya snickered, making Neji's face flame. "Naruto, you have another suitor."

After Naruto laughed – at the expense of Neji's masculine pride – he hastily started to introduce Jiraya to Neji.

"Chi chi. This is – "

"Hyuuga Neji." Jiraya's smile broadened. "I know. Yes. I've seen him before in several sports magazines."

"Er, Neji. This is my father – "

"Jiraya-sama." Neji finished. "It is an honor to meet you. I've always wanted to." The Hyuuga boy bowed low.

"Well then," Naruto pouted childishly. "I'm useless, huh?"

Jiraya laughed and reached down to ruffle his son's blonde hair. "I'll go talk to Tsunade. Holler if your friend tries to molest you, Naruto. I'll come watch."

Jiraya received a hard thrown pillow to the back of the head – tossed by a swearing Naruto with his good left arm – while Neji tried to keep steam from rising from his cheeks.

After Jiraya left, an awkward silence filled the room. Naruto looked complacently cheerful, expecting Neji to say something. Neji, instead, reached for an empty flower vase on Naruto's bedside table and started filling it with water from the sink from the other side of the room from Naruto's bed.

Neji noticed that Naruto's hospital room was a wide suite, spacious and furnished with various commodities – more like a hotel room than a hospital room. Very lived in. Come to think of it, at the register table, the receptionist woman didn't even have to check the roster to inform Neji where Naruto's room was…

Careful to keep his back to the dobe while trying to think things out in his head, the Hyuuga boy said slowly, "How-how is your shoulder Naruto?"

"It's fine. The surgery went really well." Came the happy answer. "Tsunade obaa-chan says I have near miraculous healing power. I'll be back playing basketball in two weeks, possibly."

"That's good."

And more silence. Neji started to arrange the flowers in the vase.

Finally –

"Naruto. Sorry."

"For what?" was the instant reply.

Neji turned around to face the blissful blonde at that. "For – for this." Neji gestured around the hospital room. "For making you stay in the hospital."

Naruto's eyes grew wide in mild surprise.

"Eh?"

"I am really sorry." Neji jerked his head down contritely.

Silence.

Finally, Naruto laughed loudly.

"Oi, oi. Hippie boy. Why are ya sorry? Don't worry about it. I'm used to the hospital – I come here all the time so it's no big deal."

"All the time?" Neji repeated, only now looking straight into Naruto's clear blue eyes.

"Duh." Naruto went on, not noticing that Neji's face was getting stonier. "I got this little pheromone problem so I come here a lot for check ups. It's like a routine, ya know? So it really wasn't out of my way at all."

"Wasn't out of your way?"

"Tsunade obaa-chan says I was due for an extended check-up anyways. Maybe my getting hurt was just another reminder for that, ya know?" Naruto scratched his head sheepishly. "There's always something wrong with my system cos of the pheromone thing and it's really just natural that I am – "

The glass vase smashed against the sink as Neji threw it with all his might.

"BAKA!" The pale boy roared, his white eyes flashing as he whirled around to face the startled blonde again.

"What the – "

"SHUT UP DOBE!" Neji shrieked, his voice at an abnormal high pitch. "IT'S NOT NATURAL – DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY IT'S NATURAL!"

Naruto stared, wide-eyed, at the Hyuuga – who was suddenly filled with stringent, uncharacteristic emotion – standing before his bed. Neji's clutched fists were vibrating violently. A drop of blood slid down one white clenched hand – Neji must have cut it when he was throwing the glass vase.

"Neji, yer hand –"

"The hospital isn't where you belong, dobe? You get that?" Neji shouted, angry beyond reason. Angry because he knew so little about the blonde, had known nothing about his family, his illness – angry because of the complacency in Naruto's voice when he talked about the hospital – angry because Naruto really seemed strangely at home in this freaky room that reeked of chemical smells – and angry because Naruto's smile suddenly seemed like a lie.

"Don't get used to it because you are gonna get better! Your shoulder and your fucked up pheromone problem, both! So don't talk like that! Don't you goddamn talk like that, dobe!"

The winter sunlight cast into the room, ironic because it bounced off one pale, lean boy who was white hot in his rage and another tiny blonde boy – almost concealed in the folds of the big white hospital sheets. The blonde was trembling, trembling ever so slightly…

Naruto hissed, all the happiness, all the giggling optimism, gone from his voice.

"Why. Do. You. Care."

Neji's heart stopped at the cold words uttered in an even colder voice.

"Why. Do. You. Care."

* * *

Author's Note: There we go! Chapter twenty-six! Hope you enjoyed it . It's not going to be fun-and-games from here so… phew! I hope I can write this right. Below is a really short one-shot. Thought I owed it to people for staying in Naruto-arc for so long. Enjoy! And please, please review.

**Special Edition: At the Psychiatrist (Part Two)**

_Psychiatrist fiddles with a pencil before turning her gaze upon a super cute blonde dobe who is sprawl out on her couch._

_Psychiatrist: (pushing her horned glasses to the bride of her nose) I don't get the problem._

_Naruto: (bolts up to a sitting position) What?!_

_Psychiatrist: (honestly) I don't understand what the problem is. Really._

_Naruto: I just told ya!_

_Psychiatrist: (shrugs helplessly)_

_Naruto: (fuming) Okay, I'll tell it again! Listen carefully this time! (glares menacingly and when psychiatrist nods, continues) I was just walking down the street – minding my own business – when suddenly this black blur comes out of the bushes!_

_Psychiatrist: And…?_

_Naruto: And I didn't figure out it was bastard Sasuke till I was dressed in this skimpy racing girl get-up thingy – GAH! I swear, that guy's got problems! Is it some sort of fetish or something? Why'd he do something like that?_

_Psychiatrist: (tries to keep a straight face) Sasuke dressed you up like a racing girl?_

_Naruto: (nods fervently) And then, he started getting REALLY weird cos he got this LOOK._

_Psychiatrist: (curious) Look?_

_Naruto: It was scarier than the Sharingan, I swear. He had this – this – 'I'm gonna kill ya look!' His eyes were, like, half-closed and he had this freakish smile on his face._

_Psychiatrist: Er, are you sure that it wasn't just a horny smile?_

_Naruto: (ignoring her) Of course, I ran the hell out of there! But Sasuke was going into black blur mode again so I panicked. Luckily, I saw Neji just then so I tried to ask him for help –_

_Psychiatrist: (blinks) Tried?_

_Naruto: (flailing his arms around) But Sasuke bastard probably put some weird jutsu on me cos Neji took one look at me and pitched over backwards – spilling tons and tons of blood!_

_Psychiatrist: (realizing that Naruto must still have been in racing girl getup) Let me guess, from the nose?_

_Naruto: (taken aback) Do you know this jutsu?_

_Psychiatrist: (knowingly) Yes, let's just say we psychiatrists read up on 'jutsus'._

_Naruto: (gives her a strange look before continuing) And THEN while I was trying to revive Neji, I hear this husky voice behind me going "Uzumaki Naruto."_

_Psychiatrist: That must have been Gaara, right? He always says that._

_Naruto: (doridoridori) Not like that! This time, he was like (trying to immediate Gaara and drawing out huskily) U – ZOO – MA – AH – KI NA – AH – RU – OO – TO. I got these strange shivers down my back and when I turned around he… he had the same look as Sasuke!_

_Psychiatrist: I see..._

_Naruto: Of course, Sasuke bastard had to chooses that time to catch up. I was totally cornered!_

_Psychiatrist: (summing it up) But since you are obviously here, they didn't kill you._

_Naruto: (pauses in his hysterics) No… but… er… (blushes) They-they did ot-other s-stuff._

_Psychiatrist: (suddenly more interested) Other stuff?_

_Naruto: (getting redder) I-I'm not telling!_

_Psychiatrist: Ah, c'mon. I can't 'help' you if you are 'not telling'. Was it &($#$#? Or #&$#( with #(&$(#$? Or maybe #$(&(# while (&(#&$((&? (Psychiatrist has secretly read Icha Icha many many times)_

_Naruto: (completely crimson) That's sick! And they only did half of that stuff, you pervert!_

_Psychiatrist: (ears going pi-ku) Which half?_

_Naruto: (howling) That's not important! What's important is that I was molested by Sasuke and Gaara – and Neji too after he woke up!_

_Psychiatrist: (squints) So where's the problem?_

_Naruto: Where's the problem? Where's the PROBLEM? I was MOLESTED by THREE guys at ONCE!_

_Psychiatrist: And the three guys happened to be sex-on-legs Uchiha Sasuke, too-beautiful-to-be-real Hyuuga Neji and god-of-hotness Gaara of the Sand?_

_Naruto: Yes!_

_Psychiatrist:…_

_Naruto: (glad that she finally seemed to understand) So what should I do? Should I –_

_Psychiatrist: (explodes) SO HOW IS THIS A PROBLEM?_

_Naruto: (dies)_


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note:** Hello. (Bows deeply.) Why did I just bow, you ask? All part of my secret plan to shamelessly ask for reviews. Kukukukuku…

_Naruto: Sure, it's really secret now that you just told everyone what you were doing._

_Sakura: But because she's shamelessly asking, you people should review, neh?_

_Naruto: (frantically grabs a smiling Sakura) Yer brainwashed!_

_Author: (snaps her fingers) Kuso…_

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-seven_

"Why. Do. You. Care."

It was as if Neji was hearing everything that was said from afar. Naruto's voice was slicing into him, the chilly words wrapping around the Hyuuga's insides and making the pale boy suffocate in their icy fingered grip. Each word seemed to embed itself into his skin.

This was Naruto?

"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?" Naruto was roaring now, struggling to get up. The small blonde was thrashing to be free of his hospital bed that symbolized his weakness – his invalidity – his uncharacteristic helplessness – "Did you suddenly feel sorry for me, Hyuuga? Is that why yer here now, pretending to know every goddamn thing?"

"I – "

"What do you know, Hyuuga? What do you fucking know about my problem?"

Neji's mouth instinctively dropped open, but no reply came. When Neji couldn't answer, Naruto's lips twisted into a crude smile and his childlike face spat out the grossest accusations.

"Do you think I wanna be sick – huh? Do you think I damn _enjoy_ being some sort of freak of nature? You think if I just wish it'd go away, it will – just like that? You don't have a fucking clue!"

Neji's heart pounded loudly in his chest. He heard the small boy's hysteric questions but – why couldn't he answer? Why didn't he know? Why…

Why was this Naruto?

When the older boy remained dumb, Naruto painfully heaved himself up. Trembling from the effort, the blonde jerked a forceful finger towards the door.

"GET OUT!" Naruto shrilled. "GET OUT OF MY ROOM, HIPPIE BOY!"

Neji didn't even turn towards the door, searching Naruto's angry eyes frantically. The longhaired boy didn't understand – couldn't understand. How could so much pain spill from such a happy blue…?

"GO AWAY! GET OUT!"

And how had Neji ever been fooled into thinking that blue was indeed a happy color? Instead of the color of misery – instead of the color of grief –

The color of pain.

Naruto groped for something to throw at the Hyuuga boy and his finger gripped the fabric of his pillow. Neji barely felt the pillow bounce off his shoulder, barely heard Naruto yelled at him in rage as a resilient question echoed hollowly in his head.

_How had he not known_?

Naruto's arm was raised to deliver another pillow when Neji finally broke out of his spell. The Hyuuga was upon the blonde in an instant, grabbing the smaller boy's thin arm to restrain him.

Neji's voice came out in a thick croak.

"No."

"What?" Naruto asked, his angry voice dropping into a hoarse whisper of surprise.

"No." Neji said again, this time more firmly and looked straight into violent, wounded blue eyes, "I'm not going to get out. I'm not going to go anywhere!"

"You idiot." Naruto sputtered. "I'm not fucking asking you to get out! I'm ordering you to – "

"And I'm not going anywhere until you get better!" The Hyuuga boy insisted, interrupting the smaller boy's rant. His pale eyes flashed with stubborn, insane determination. "I'm not fucking leaving your side till you are out of this goddamn place!"

"Yer crazy!" Naruto cried, his fist curling with vehement, "Are ya hearing what yer saying? You have to go to school and go to basketball practice and – "

"Not if you are not there!" Neji yelled desperately, drowning out the rest of Naruto's protests.

_How_? How could he have been so stupid? How could he have not known? The acknowledgment that he was a tensai was clearly bullshit – Neji hadn't even known that this intense, suffocating insanity that was clawing his heart had nothing to do with Hinata-sama – had nothing to do with the Hyuuga Corporation –

And obviously had everything to do with this small blonde boy who didn't fit in at all with the hospital scenery around him.

"Get-Get away!" Naruto screeched. The blonde's blue eyes widened in alarm at the bigger boy pushing himself nearer and nearer, still not letting go of his arm. "I said g-go!"

"Think you'll get better." Neji pleaded thickly, his voice burdened with an unusual weight of emotion. "Think you'll get better, dobe."

The longhaired boy's husky voice brushed warmed breathes upon the feverish smaller boy's cheeks. Naruto was so close – so close – Neji had to make sure that Naruto wouldn't escape his words. The blonde had to hear him – Naruto _must_ understand –

"You have to play basketball, right? Naruto? Play basketball with your father and with all the guys on the team and…"

Naruto stirred irritably but didn't pull away. That was good; it meant he was still listening.

"Please, Naruto."

The Hyuuga's voice dropped to one of trembling desperation as he uttered his most delicate, most precious wish.

"Think you'll get better to play basketball with me."

A complete silence filled the room as one boy poured out his heart and another boy delayed his judgment of them. Naruto's blue eyes still remained cold, his expression twisted, his position guarded… But Neji held onto the blonde's arm, trying to convey to the smaller boy with his touch that someone was nearby, someone was willing to hold on, someone was…

Someone was willing to care.

A very short and long silence passed. Finally, Naruto closed his eyes – hiding the color of painful blue beneath blonde lashes – and tilted forward, exhausted. The blonde leaned his head against Neji's shoulders and breathed out a small, shaky sigh. And if Neji noticed that his shirt felt slightly damp, he didn't say a word as he collected the small dobe to his chest and held the trembling blonde tightly.

Hyuuga Neji had so very many hidden dreams –

Of somehow overcoming his blood limit – of protecting his mother from branch familiy discrimination – of proving his worth despite the Hyuuga curse – of being allowed to lead a life playing professional basketball –

But none of his desires compared to this moment of holding his most precious dream in his arms.

* * *

The shapely blonde woman pulled away from the scene she'd just witnessed from the doorway. She leaned against the doorframe, trying to catch her trembling breath. In one shaking hand, she clutched a medical file labeled with the name 'Uzumaki Naruto'. Her other palm was damp with blood – she must have been clutching her fists too tightly. 

No, she had to catch her breath. She had to inform Naruto as soon as possible. Yes, that was the professional thing to do. Naruto was her patient. She was his doctor. And a doctor had certain unbreakable responsibilities to her patient – whether or not those responsibilities consisted of ripping someone's world into shreds. Yes. Responsibilities. Of course.

The blonde woman sucked in a harsh breath and, instead of being filled with purpose, felt her strength evade her.

She couldn't tell him. Not now.

Maybe not ever.

As she made her way back towards her office, she collided with a gigantic white-haired man.

"Tsunade!" Jiraya exclaimed, after straightening up from the crash. "You checked up on Naruto alre – hey! What's wrong with your face?"

Tsunade glared up at the huge man, her sensual features scrunched up tightly to hold back brimming tears. "Baka! There's nothing wrong with – "

"Is it Naruto?" Jiraya asked, his voice instantly becoming deadpan.

"Y-yes." Tsunade whispered thickly. "I think… Well, I have reasons to suspect…"

The blonde woman paused again, very unlike her usual straightforwardness. Jiraya stared at the female doctor with solemn eyes. His childhood friend was considered the best doctor in all of Japan and he'd trust his son's life with no one else. And, if she thought it best then…

It was now or never.

The big man sighed and finished her sentence for her.

"It's time, huh?"

Tsunade nodded stiffly.

"I-I want to speak to that boy – that boy who's in Naruto's room now. And maybe all his other friends on the basketball team."

Jiraya's voice was tight as he replied.

"Of course."

* * *

"I'm glad you and Neji are finally back." Kiba remarked. At his side, Shino wordlessly agreed as he took a long sip of his fruit juice. 

"Gah – last game was a total fluke!" Shikamaru groaned, putting his hands behind his head and thinking of the pitiful score 27-41. "We got creamed cos both of you were missing from action; we had to run in _all_ the plays."

Chouji pumped his head up and down and noisily desiccated a sugar-sprinkled donut.

"But we had enough wins to make it to the national championship." Lee spoke up, pointing out the bright side of things. "And you look healthy now, Naruto-san."

The bowl cut boy smiled fondly at the blonde sitting in the seat next to the longhaired Hyuuga. Neji ruffled the hair of the grinning dobe at his side. The Konoha basketball team was crowded in a café – well known in the district for its illegally delicious cakes – to celebrate Naruto's release from the hospital.

Naruto snickered.

"I woulda been outta there even faster save some baka (glimpses to the side) kept trying to feed me poisonous porridge."

"Shut up." Neji said quietly, his cheeks growing pink. The other boys exchanged amused looks, trying to picture the elegant Hyuuga in a cooking apron making porridge. The longhaired boy cleared his throat and continued. "There's nothing wrong with my porridge."

"Then explain why chi chi mistook it for rotting glue!" Naruto snorted, triumphantly. "And one of the nurses went hysteric cos she thought I peed into the bo–OoooF!"

The rest of Naruto's words were cut off by Neji jamming a cupcake into the blonde's open mouth. Shikamaru, Shino, Kiba and Lee stopped chewing, the food having gone stale in their mouth in disgust at Naruto's unfinished description. Chouji nearly spit out his own cupcake, laughing. Neji shot the chubby boy a pale death glare and simultaneously patted the back of a choking Naruto.

When the noise had died down, Shino asked in a low voice, "But you will be at the next game, Naruto?"

"Duh." Naruto said happily, having recovered from almost choking to death. "I wouldn't miss the first game in the winter championships for the world! And my surgery's a good two days before that and Tsunade obaa-chan says it's not something you have to lie in bed forever to recover from."

At the word 'surgery', an awkward silence reigned.

* * *

Naruto couldn't know, but each boy on the Konoha team had been summoned to Dr. Tsunade's office the day before Naruto got out of the hospital. There, the blonde woman had explained to them about Naruto's unique condition. After waiting for them to recover from their initial shock, Tsunade went on to say that because of the uniqueness of Naruto's condition, she knew of no precedents to the pheromone disorder to rely on. But she'd notice through his constant checkups that the pheromone disorder – and thus, both the external and internal effects caused by it – seemed to mature as the blonde's body did. As Naruto grew older, the number of the flock of hormone driven pursuers would increase. 

All six boys stiffened in horror at the mere thought. Unfortunately that didn't seem to be the worse consequence – not by far –

"Naruto has incredible stamina – playing basketball together, I suppose you've already noticed – because not only does his body distribute pheromone to the max, it also produces excess quantities of other bodily chemicals – adrenaline, endocrine, serotonin, phenylethylamine... His body never gives him anything by halves – it wills all the things for him to grab, provides anything and everything he needs – and because of this overexertion…"

Tsunade's voice choked on the crucial words and the boys almost missed it. They didn't.

"Naruto's body is deteriorating fast…"

_Naruto's body is deteriorating fast…_

Deteriorating…

Fast…

Neji was the first to break the unpleasant silence.

"You lie." The pale boy hissed, starting to get up. "I don't know where Jiraya-sama found such a CRACKPOT doctor that doesn't know SHIT but I'm not going to believe – "

Lee and Shino had to pull back Neji – almost emitting an aura of white rage – whose usual calm voice was getting louder and louder with the each accented word. Dr. Tsunade didn't become angry in response. Instead, she looked pointedly at her hands – hiding the look of vulnerability that did not fit a woman so outwardly capable and strong.

"B-but somehow, l-lately," Tsunade swallowed and willed her voice to stay even despite her crashing emotions. "His pheromone level is residing. I don't know why – this hasn't ever happened before – but right now, his condition is more or less dormant."

Dormant.

Shikamaru was the first to decipher the inherent meaning: "So you think this is a good time to perform some sort of remedial surgery?"

Tsunade inclined her head and smiled crookedly. "Again, there is no precedent to this surgery but, well – it's now or never. I don't know when Naruto's body will grant such a precarious, precious opportunity. If all goes well, Naruto will be cured of the Uke Syndrome."

"So Naruto is getting better?" Neji said coolly, his pale eyes pointing into a glare. He'd been listening intently to the blonde woman's words despite his previous accusations. "He will get better if he performs this surgery?"

Instead of answering, Tsunade said in a distracted voice – almost like a self-meditation – "I've researched for so long on how to help him. I – I've spent almost seven years – days spent searching for a remedy, nights passed praying for some cure – thinking about that dobe's particular condition. I could write several hundred thesis on pheromones and ligands and body chemicals…"

Tsunade drifted off to a sharp whisper and finally faced Neji.

"This is the first time this surgery will be performed. If something goes wrong – if I fail – Naruto will die."

Lee swallowed, his throat having gone particularly dry. Kiba matched Shino's stony silence and Shikamaru leaned forward to rest his painful head on Chouji's slightly trembling shoulder. But Neji seemed unperturbed. The pale boy met the blonde woman's gaze and said, simply.

"So don't fail."

A wry smile twisted the Tsunade's face. "I'm not planning on it."

Quiet.

Then, finally…

"Please."

_"Please don't let my precious person die…"_

* * *

As the Konoha team shunned anxious memories from their mind, Neji firmly gripped Naruto's hand beneath the table. The pale Hyuuga boy knew from his experience at the hospital not to trust the blonde's happy-go-lucky voice. His pressing palm was an implicit question. Naruto squeezed back, signaling that he was fine, and turned to grant Neji a small smile. 

At that moment, everyone spotted six waiters lugging a huge chocolate cake (or a small mass-of-sugar mountain) on their shoulders in their direction.

"Is that ours?" Naruto exclaimed, feeling like he knew the meaning of love at first sight.

"Who else here could eat all that?" Kiba cracked, looking around the restaurant at the startled faces of the other customers. Some of the more weight-watching women had passed out at the sight of so many calories concentrated in one place. Chouji, on the other hand, had started doing a dance of tribute to the cake. Shino watched the chubby boy shake his hips with his usually restrained expression twitching.

"How did ya know I loved chocolate cake from this place?" Naruto crowed, stabbing the air with his fork in excitement.

"Because you remind us every time we pass this place." Shikamaru bored voice contrasted sharply with his wide grin.

"GAH! I LOVE YA GUYS!" Naruto declared – in a loud way that would have been cute save the drool forming a puddle on his place mat.

"I LOVE YOU TOO, NARUTO-SAN!" Lee cried, worked up by the cry of YOUTH, and leapt toward his beloved.

"Hug. Him. And. Die."

Obviously Neji.

* * *

"Chi chi." 

"What is it, Naruto?"

"Ya know – I um –"

"…"

"It's just…"

"Baka! Don't tell me yer nervous cos of some little surgery!"

"Heh, heh. Of course not."

"Good! Yer gonna get better soon, Naruto! Then I'll teach you some new basketball techniques. I've actually been saving them till you got older, but after the surgery sounds good."

"Will ya really?"

"Sure."

"Teach me! Teach me!"

"I'll teach you as soon as yer out of this place."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"…"

"…Naruto…"

"Please, chi chi."

"Yes, son?"

"I – um – I – I don't w-wanna die."

"WHO SAYS YER GONNA DIE? Yer not gonna die, dobe, so don't – "

"No, no! Listen. Listen! This is – i-it's important. I wanna say this before – before something happens – in case something happens…"

"…"

"Um, I, um – I don't want to die cos – cos – chi chi, I'm different now! Few years back, dying wouldn't have been a big deal, ya know? Dying wouldn't have been much different from living before you adopted me… Bu-But now! But now I have baka Kiba, always complaining about something or other, and Shino! Shino's always so quiet, but you get used to him and understand him. And, and Chouji – gah! That guy's really strange! But he's like Shikamaru – he's got a good heart. Lee too. Lee's always been really nice to me, ever since we've met. I have you and Tsunade baa-chan taking care of me… and… and Neji. Neji. I don't know why Neji cares, but he does, huh? He cares about me very much?"

"Of course he cares, son. Why would you ever think we don't care?"

"It's just that, chi chi! I have friends, now – I have friends and family who actually want me around and I can't – !"

"Naruto – "

"So I don't wanna die, chi chi! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I want to stay with everybody – everybody that I love! I want to live and do the things I love – play jokes with you and go visit Iruka-sensei and play basketball with you and Neji and everyone else and – I don't wanna die! Please don't let me die! I'm scared to die."

"Naruto."

"I'm not brave enough to face losing everything! I just can't go back to how I was before ya rescued me. I want to continue being Uzumaki Naruto and, I'm scared that it might be, ya know, cold and dark and… I'll be alone – all by myself – and – and…"

"It's okay, it's okay..."

"…"

"Don't cry."

"…"

"Son."

"…"

"I-I don't think you need that kind of bravery, Naruto. You'll never need that kinda bravery…"

"P-Please let me live. I want to live so much. So much."

"I know. We know."

_"I don't want to be alone."_

* * *

"No way!" Naruto laughed loudly into his cell phone, glancing outside the window of his hospital room to where the barren branches were now cleanly encased in the transparent white frost. The winter sunlight was dim and only shined off the glossy ice. "Of course yer going on ahead, Neji! I'm coming as soon as this little medical appointment is over, duh. Don't be such a stiff!" 

"I don't understand why I can't fly over with you, Naruto. Since yer gonna make it here in time for the game." Neji's voice sounded slightly peeved, even over the static of the phone. The older Hyuuga boy had unwillingly joined the rest of the Konoha team and was driving to the championship opening ceremony held in Hokkaido.

"The winter championships are a big-ass deal, hippie boy." Naruto lectured the other boy lightly. "That's why they're doing the opening ceremony in that new, shiny dome arena they just built in Hokkaido. You'll get ta see the winter festival while yer there for free cos yer a participant in the championship – gah – I'm so jealous!"

"Naruto…" Neji's voice shook, or it could have been the phone malfunctioning, "I'm not gonna play until you show up, dobe."

"N-Not that stupid thing again!" Naruto laughed so that tears gathered in his blue eyes.

"I'm serious." Neji said. "I'm not playing till you get here."

"Whatever, whatever. I heard ya the first time." Naruto teased. "Just remember to register me properly, baka."

"Of course." Neji snapped, offended that Naruto worried he wouldn't. "You are playing as soon as you show up so – " Neji's voice caught in his throat and he paused to clear it. "So – don't do something s-stupid like… being late. I'll kill you if you are even a little late."

Both boys knew the implicit meaning of what'd just been said too clearly.

"You know, Neji." Naruto said on an off-note. "You should play even if I'm… ya know… late."

"I AM NOT GONNA PLAY!"

"GAWD – JUST A SUGGESTION! DON'T YELL AT ME, MORON!"

"STOP ORDERING ME TO DO MEANINGLESS SHIT, THEN!"

"WHY ARE YA GETTING ANGRY AT ME? AREN'T YA SUPPOSED TA BE THE PRINCE OF COOL!"

"I – ! I – n-not when it has ta do with you…" Naruto could almost hear the Hyuuga blush. "J-just don't. Be late. Don't be late dobe, or I'll – I'll be – really – ! Really… pissed off…"

Naruto had to laugh again at the deflated threat.

"Ba – ka – Ne – ji – !"

"Dobe."

"Hippie boy."

"Runt."

"Prick."

"..."

"My victory?"

"Bishoujo."

"WHAT THE HELL! Take that one back! Back!" Naruto spurted, snapping up into a sitting position on his bed.

Neji gave a short victorious laugh then, "Naruto. Da – "

"What? I can't hear ya, Neji. Are you guys going through a tunnel or something?"

"No – I, just – H-hurry up, okay?"

"Don't worry about it." Naruto grinned into his cell phone while smoothing the white hospital sheets with trembling hands. The blonde's wide smile shook a little as he looked toward the icy, winter scenery outside his hospital bed but it instantly returned as his grip on his cell phone tightened. "I'm never going to leave you alone, Neji. I'm gonna annoy you for the rest of my life."

"Good." Came the instant reply, delivered in full Hyuuga curtness and firmness.

Neither of the two boys mentioned that 'the rest of Naruto's life' might not be long enough to carry out the threat.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" The pretty nurse smiled at her blonde patient. He was staring out the hospital window restlessly. The blonde seemed to be unaccustomed to staying still for long and was wiggling around in his bed. At the nurse's question, he snapped his head up and said tightly, "I'm fine." 

Ah – he was anxious. Of course he would be. Dr. Tsunade said she'd perform the surgery tomorrow. Feeling a great stirring of sympathy for the beautiful blonde, the nurse reached over to click on the TV set.

"Maybe there's something entertaining to watch." The nurse soothed, before turning to continue tidying up the room.

"Thanks." Naruto said and started to flip through the channels.

"_Lately, the weather has been dangerously unpredictable." _A newsperson's voice filled the hospital room. _"Especially in the northern areas, snow storms have made vehicle passage impossible and all roads have been closed."_

"You know," The nurse went on cheerfully, not hearing the remote control clatter to the hard floor over the sound of the television. "I had a niece who had to go through a big surgery. But afterwards, she got so much better and – "

"_A particular natural disaster has been reported on route 76 to Hokkaido. An unpredicted avalanche swept numerous vehicles off the road and thus resulted in several missing persons. Their status has not yet been confirmed, but it is highly likely that many did not, unfortunately, survive the snow onslaught – "_

"Naruto-kun?" The nurse spoke up, turning toward her patient. "Why don't we watch something more cheerful, like –"

The cleaning rag in the nurse's hand dropped to the floor as her shocked eyes reflected an empty hospital bed and the list of names of the missing persons flashing across the television screen. Among them were:

**Nara Shikamaru.**

**Akimichi Chouji.**

**Aburame Shino.**

**Inuzuka Kiba.**

**Rock Lee.**

* * *

Author's Note: Special Edition 

**At The Psychiatrist (Part Three)**

_Psychiatrist: I did it! (pats self on back) I have created the libido measuring machine. Ohohohohoho Yes, I AM a TENSAI (does a celebrating dance)_

_Everyone else: Um..._

_Psychiatrist: Now, to test it! (suddenly, eyes light up in evil glint) Uhuhuhuhu… Time to give my patients a call._

An hour later:

_Sasuke, Gaara and Neji appear in the psychiatrist's office. (They've been bribed that Naruto would show). Naruto also appears. (He's been bribed with miso ramen)._

_Psychiatrist: (after a quick and speedy explanation) So, after you guys help me test this thing, we can all go to lunch!_

_Sasuke/Gaara/Neji: (glares at the unappealing offer)_

_Naruto: (with a super cute grin) Lunch! Yosh!_

_Sasuke/Gaara/Neji: (appeased)_

_Psychiatrist: (glad of her own genius) Neji? Would you step up?_

_Neji: (elegantly scoffs but gets on scale)_

_Scale goes from purple (a level meaning sexual frigidness) to yellow (a very high level of sexual torridness)._

_Psychiatrist/Naruto: (amazed) Oooh!_

_Neji smirks and gets off scale, proud of himself. Gaara and Sasuke grumble incomprehensively._

_Psychiatrist: Your turn Gaara?_

_  
Gaara: (silently slithers forth and confidently steps onto scale)_

_Scale needle immediately snaps over to orange (an even higher level of sexual torridness)._

_Psychiatrist/Naruto: (awed) Aaaa._

_Gaara flashes a viciously victorious sneer at a disgruntled Neji and a ticked off Sasuke before stepping confidently off._

_Psychiatrist: Sasuke, your turn._

_Sasuke: (glares at psychiatrist before marching on to the scale)._

_Scale trembles for a minute before flashing to red – an incredibly high level of sexual torridness that suggests inhumane libido._

_Naruto/Psychiatrist: (shocked) Whoa!_

_Sasuke lifts an eyebrow at Gaara and Neji who have sand coming out of their mouths before stepping down._

_Psychiatrist: (recovering from shock) Well, t-then. That was an educational experience. Why don't we call it a break – ah, wait. What about you, Naruto?_

_Naruto: (blinks) Me?_

_Sasuke/Gaara/Neji: (all turn their heads toward the blonde, hugely interested)_

_Psychiatrist: Yeah, go ahead. Step up._

_Naruto: (blushes) Er, okay. I get miso after this, right?_

_Psychiatrist: Of course, of course._

_Naruto looks around nervously before hesitantly getting on the scale. The needle starts to move… away from purple… up to yellow… orange… past red… to… !_

_Psychiatrist: Gasp!_

_Sasuke/Gaara/Neji: Gasp!_

_Naruto: Double Gasp!_

_Psychiatrist: Holy mother of macarel!_

_Naruto: W-wait. This is a mistake! I can't possibly be so… so… (stops because he feels an evil aura and turns to see a lusty glint sparking in Sasuke/Gaara/Neji's eyes and becomes properly alarmed) St-top! I-I can explain!_

_Neji starts to strip out of his shirt as Gaara pulls out handcuffs from nowhere._

_Sasuke: (coming closer) You know, Naruto, all you needed to do was ASK._

_Naruto only has time to 'eep' before three libido-healthy guys jump him and screw him senseless._

_Psychiatrist: (taking out a notebook to jot notes and a tissue box for her pouring nosebleed) I knew I was a tensai!_

_Naruto: (in the background) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! Not there… ahhhhhh! Nui!_

By the way, next chapter is going to be the last chapter of the Naruto Arc, so if you want to give me your input before I write it please feel free to do so now.

Thank you for your inputs.


	28. Chapter 28

Author's Note: Have fun!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-eight_

"It's jammed tight." The brunette boy hissed, then cursed under his breath as his nail chipped against the unyielding metal. "Shit."

"Careful." Shino told him, looking out the window at the wall of white snow. "This won't budge easily."

"Kuso." Shikamaru cursed under his breath. He brought a leg back to deliver a shattering kick against the adamant door. The metal rattled but didn't budge against the strong pressure of the snow forced onto the tipped vehicle. Shikamaru closed his eyes against the frustrating situation, silently calculating the level of pressure he'd felt and various ways they might escape their ice prison.

Finally the brunette opened his eyes again slowly and said tightly, "No. I don't think we are going to get out of here anytime soon."

'And we have approximately six days before we suffocate to death.' Shikamaru added wordlessly, a pleading reminder to himself to quickly plan a way out, 'And four days before Chouji's concussion, if left untreated, becomes fatal.'

The Konoha team captain turned dark worried eyes on his chubby friend who lay shivering under a pile of clothes though his cheeks were red hot with fever. When the avalanche hit suddenly, the bus had crashed off the road and tumbled down the precipice. It'd plummeted, front first, into a thick blanket of snow. The impact had killed their bus driver instantly and had left Chouji, who was sitting in the very front, with a serious concussion. Lee had a broken arm and Kiba a sprained ankle from the fall.

Then snow – endless snow! – had buried them completely. The back part of the bus, jutting up to meet the falling snow, had been crushed in and the sides of the bus had crumpled inward as well. Their cell phones were useless under the mountain of ice and frost. They were completely trapped under the gargantuan mass of white snow.

Escape from such a situation seemed impossible.

Shikamaru's hands balled into fists. But even if it was impossible, he had to somehow make it possible. For Chouji. For everyone else on the team. He was the team captain. The team captain, goddamnit. He was responsible! And if anyone died, it would be his fault. _His_.

Shino laid a hand on Shikamaru's shoulder, as if to rescue the brunette from his own self-loathing by his touch. Shikamaru sighed and leaned his head against his teammate's shoulder for support. After a moment, the brunette turned his head stiffly. He stared bleary-eyed at Neji who was moving deftly to cover a fitfully sleeping Lee and feverish Kiba with clothes from his own duffel bag.

"O-oi."

Shikamaru's voice came out brokenly. He tried again.

"Oi, Hyuuga."

Neji turned to the brunette, his face expressionless save lifting an eyebrow in an implicit question.

"What are ya thinking about now? What are you thinking about now in the face of death?" Shikamaru asked, just to ask. The brunette was not calculating the degree of troublesomeness in his own inner complete weariness.

_What are you thinking about behind that expressionless mask?_

Neji replied instantly and simply.

"Naruto." The pale boy glanced coolly at his wristwatch. "By now, his surgery should have finished. He's all better now."

Shikamaru and Shino's lips cracked into a small smile at the older boy's words.

'You better be alive, dobe.' Shikamaru thought, closing his eyes and burying his face in Shino's shoulder. 'You better be alive, Naruto, so I can complain about this trip to you when I get back.'

When the brunette opened his eyes again, the first thing he saw was the limp and bloody body of the dead bus driver. The blatant sign of death wasn't a good omen.

* * *

"Tsunade-sama!" The nurse's piercing scream resounded down the hospital halls. "TSUNADE-SAMA!" 

"Azuka?" Tsunade frowned, coming down the hallway supporting a red-faced and clearly drunk Jiraya. "What's the mat –"

"TSUNADE-SAMA! NARUTO-KUN'S – NARUTO-KUN'S DISAPPEARED!" The nurse collapsed at the feet of the blonde doctor, sobs mixing with her desperate words. "On-one minute he was there and the next minute he – he – "

"What?" Tsunade dropped Jiraya's heavy arm and knelt down next to Azuka's crumpled form. "Naruto-kun's p-probably taking a – a walk around the hospital to stretch his legs or – "

Azuka shook her head, covering her tear stained face with trembling hands.

In seconds, Tsunade and Jiraya, though how the man managed to walk at all while so heavily intoxicated was a mystery, were racing down the halls to Naruto's room, pushing aside anyone that deterred their path.

Frozen in the doorway of the hospital room, Tsunade's wide chocolate eyes reflected the upturned white covers of the unoccupied bed and the frosty breeze from the open window blowing loose papers around and around the dismal and starkly empty room.

"T-Tsunade." Jiraya croaked, pointing at the blinking TV screen.

Tsunade looked and paled.

"He-he went – "

"He went to rescue his teammates." Jiraya's hoarsely spat out. "Naruto went to them."

Tsunade would have fainted had she the leisure of time to faint. Jiraya was by her side in the next moment, supporting the blonde woman up against him.

"Ji-Jiraya – He – Naruto – "

The weight of the cursed truth she'd kept denied for so long finally burst upon the woman's stale, stiff tongue. The sourness of her own words felt like acid in the frigid cavern of her mouth.

"Naruto will die."

* * *

"Hokkaido." The blonde demanded, getting into the taxi. "Route 76." 

"Are you crazy, kid?" The taxi driver asked, eyeing the skinny blonde girl in the rearview mirror. "Maybe I should drive you to the hospital – Route 76 is where they had them accidents and – "

A spray of yen hitting his face and falling into his lap cut off his words. The driver stared in shock at the sheer quantity of bills that exploded against him and up at the blonde again. The girl's blue eyes were hard and determined.

"ROUTE 76." The blonde said, in a voice that denied any questioning. "NOW."

If the taxi driver hadn't complied, the blonde looked as if she'd hijack the vehicle.

* * *

Snow covered everything outside the window that Naruto could see. White. So white. As the taxi raced down the highway, the proportion of the world swallowed by the blinding white grew and grew. 

He was traveling into nothingness – the worst sort of burial ground. Here, death would not be a stringent bloody pain nor a churning dark night but only –

Nothing.

And Naruto would be nothing as well, if he lost his friends to this tyranny of white.

As the blonde gripped his hands into fists in silent determination, suddenly, the brakes of the taxi skidded on the icy ground.

"This is as far as I'm allowed to go." The taxi driver told his blonde passenger fearfully. "There's a road block up ahead and – "

"Where are we?" Naruto asked, sitting up in his seat.

Knock, knock.

Someone was tapping against the window. The taxi driver rolled the window down to reveal the worried face of a young policewoman. "You can't go past here. It's too dangerous."

"What's going on?" The taxi driver asked.

"We've unearthed part of a high school bus." The policewoman explained, squinting sorrowfully. "By the look of things, the passengers should be dead – but we are not sure. We have to be certain before we concentrate our limited resources on excavating this area."

"I see." The taxi driver said, his brow corrugating, "But there is a way to rescue them if they live…?"

"We are trying crane some heavy equipment down there to pry the back of the bus off – it was jammed down hard by the avalanche – but because of the weather conditions, I don't think that would be possible within the week."

And Naruto was already pulling the door to the cab open.

"Miss! What are you doing?" The taxi driver hollered. "It's too cold outside – "

But Naruto was already out and running. The small blonde evaded the policewoman's reach, ducked under the roadblock and disappeared into the canvas of nothingness.

* * *

_Little boy, little boy._

_Do you need my power?_

_Little boy, do you need my power to protect those you love? But then, that's just an excuse to use my power to protect yourself from your loneliness? Ah! Greedy little boy! Greedy, greedy little boy – why don't you just ask? Ask!_

_Because, it's so easy for me to give you the power you seek. Too easy for me to give._

_As long as you pay death's price._

_And little boy, little boy._

* * *

"He's burning up!" Shikamaru hissed, laying his own freezing hand on Chouji's hot – too hot –forehead. "Damn! How can he be burning up when it's so fucking cold?" 

Wordlessly, Shino stripped out of his own jersey and, willing his body not to quake at the sudden onslaught of cold, handed the jacket over to his team captain. "Use this."

"…" Shikamaru stared at his teammate, who's revealed skin was tinged with blue. Shino met his gaze directly, his expression still and unchanging. After a short stare, Shikamaru immediately relieved Shino of his jersey and turned to the task of bundling Chouji up in yet another layer of thick cloth.

Denying the small part of him that doubted the existence of hope.

After bundling Chouji up more tightly, Shikamaru returned to the task of surveying their imprisonment. He'd ordered all his teammates to huddle together in one corner (away from the dead body) to preserve and collect each other's body heat. Precious, precious heat in the spartanly cold icebox.

Teeth chattering, Shikamaru hoisted himself up towards the back of the bus and pushed his body against it. The great pressure that'd weighed it down before had alleviated – which meant some of the snow had been cleared. It was too great an amount to have been cleared naturally – someone was looking for them! Luckily, someone had found them!

But Shikamaru knew that though they'd been unearthed, they were still far, far from being rescued. There was still the crumpled metal wall of the bus between them and escape into a white jungle of savage, unrelenting snow.

Shikamaru darted a glance back at his teammates again. All of them were passing in and out of consciousness. But Neji's white eyes, though open, were completely and utterly blank. Shikamaru paled.

"Shino!" Shikamaru jumped down from his position balanced on the seats to reach the back of the bus. "Slap Neji awake! Now!"

Instantly, Shino's bluish palms were leaving red handprints on the Hyuuga's white face. But Neji seemed oblivious to the pain. And Shikamaru realized that Neji's body was on the verge of shutting down – his friend was freezing to death.

"Neji! Neji!"

* * *

Naruto oddly didn't feel the coldness of the snow around him as he slid deftly down the steep banks of the mountain. Amongst the white, it was easy to spot the flashing lights of the rescue squad working tirelessly at the bottom of the precipice. And there a metallic structure of what the blonde guessed to be the remains of the Konoha bus. 

Naruto paused for the briefest second to close his eyes and do something he'd never done before – not even at the orphanage. He licked his parched, cold lips and prayed to every single god he could knew of.

Just a little bit more. Give me just a little more strength – to protect the people I love – to protect my friends – so I don't die – so I don't die while I'm still alive –

Please – please – please – I'll do anything. Everything. I'll give up everything.

Please, just a little bit more.

TBC

* * *

Author's Note: Okay, I lied about this being the last chappie. The next one is the last chapter in the Naruto Arc… (So, it is much, much longer than the Gaara arc – author mutters, as she simultaneously ducks an onslaught of hurled computer moniters) 

Review!


	29. Chapter 29

Author's Note: This is the last chapter in Naruto Arc (for real). After this, we'll move on with the UUS normally.

On another note, I kinda felt obliged to update just to let everyone know that I'm still here, still writing. The thing is, I just entered university and am taking hard courses to prove what an idiot I am... so I'm buried under academic projects and sexual tensions – er, I meant, homework. This means I won't update frequently, but I will update till I see the end of this story.

I love you, Rosesareblue.

P.S. Someone was asking me what the words in the italic would be – whether it's flashbacks or kyuubi talking or Naruto thinking. My answer is it is whatever you want it to be. I actually believe in deconstructionism, so… Just because I write the words doesn't mean I write the definitions. Have fun – neh?

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Twenty-nine_

Neji drifted between noisy consciousness and blissful unconsciousness. His mind felt like a thick quagmire he was being forced to wad through. In all this internal turmoil, only Tsunade's voice ripped through the painful tangles of his mind that was still hanging on:

_Naruto's body wills all the things he needs for him to just take_ –

* * *

"Holy shit! Is that a kid?"

"A girl! There's a girl!"

"Stop her! It's too dangerous!"

The rescue squad captain, a slim delicate young woman of twenty-five, stayed mute amidst all this excitement. Itsumono Yurina only stared at the small blonde take a running start to scramble up the side of the icy slope towards the buried bus. The bare skin of the girl's hands ripped against the sharp cold of the snow and left starkly crashing black-red splotches on the flawlessly clean white for a split second, before the spiraling snow erased all traces of them. It was a wonder such a great pain didn't hinder such a small girl's movements.

Yurina was the only survivor of the Itsumono clan, who used to reside in these very treacherous mountains. One harsh winter, the snow had buried all hint of her family that'd lived there for generations upon generations in one frightening night. Only one scared little girl, miraculously unharmed, was promptly found by rescuers a day after the catastrophe. After that terrible incident, her life had been devoted to the job of searching out those lost in the mountains she'd once called her home.

Consequently, Yurina believed strongly in faith. She believed potently in destiny. And miracles. Above everything else, Yurina believed in miracles.

But this scene now, this scene before her very eyes, stretched the limits of the word 'miracle'.

The blonde leapt onto one revealed side of the slick frozen bus and clawed her way upon the crumpled back that was more or less level with the ground so that it made a sort of platform. Furiously, the blonde leapt up and down, up and down, digging her heels against the metal so hard that the sound of her body ramming into the metal could be heard over the silent howl of the whirling snow.

_Wham! Wham! Wham!_

"Get out of there!"

"She's crazy!"

"It's too slippery to shinny down and get her!"

But Yurina still didn't join her co-workers in their panicked rush to 'rescue' the girl. Instead, Yurina's wide green eyes did not stray a centimeter and stayed locked on the unearthly blonde. What was the blonde doing? What was she doing?

Then –

_Slam!_

An echo! An echo! From inside the bus! Alive – ! The passengers were alive!

Now, Yurina got into action. Quickly clicking on her walkie-talkie, she shouted desperately, "Squad A! Squad D! Move all forces to sector E-796 as soon as possible. We need machinery! Machinery to – to – "

The walkie talkie in Yurina's hands slipped down into the cushion of snow but the squad leader didn't even notice.

Because now, now the blonde – Yurina's miracle beyond miracle – was pounding her slim arms and balled fists against the unyielding metal.

"She's completely out of it!"

"Get her down – quickly! – before she hurts herself!"

And Yurina ran – ran to stop the blonde who obviously didn't notice the thick blood pouring down her naked arms and dampening the shredded cloth of her thin jacket. All of a sudden, the blonde stopped as if only now heeding the cry of the onlookers. The blonde closed her eyes in silent prayer.

Yurina used this time to dart up on to the slope. But without the inhumane agility of the blonde, the young woman slid painfully down again. As Yurina was extracting picks from her emergency pouch to help her climb, the little blonde opened her eyes again.

And the blonde's eyes – which Yurina could have sworn were blue – were now the color of fire –

_A demon fire_.

With a beastly cry, the blonde rammed her reddened fist against the metal. The thick steel bent like plastic against the impossible force and now, now there was an opening for the blonde to wedge her hands in.

Yurina realized what the blonde was insanely trying to do. The little girl was trying to pry off the metal – metal that would normally need great machinery to move even slightly – that imprisoned the passengers on the bus. It was an inhumane power – a power only accessible if the body that carried it had sold its soul to the devil.

Her miracle was a monster.

* * *

– _his body provides anything and everything he might need – _

* * *

Naruto was trying to force an opening with sheer will – strength inhumane. The blonde closed his eyes against the pain of the metal cutting into the fleshy skin of his palms. Hang on, goddamnit, hang on! Or they will disappear. Your friends will disappear into this blank white – become white – nothing –

They'll become nothing. I'll become nothing. _We'll be nothing._

Hot panic made Naruto's trembling arms strengthen with renewed power. Hang on! Hang on! Lift! Lift it! Or they'll die – they'll die –

Chouji – Shikamaru –

Can't die. Can't die!

Shino – Lee – Kiba –

Don't go! Don't leave me alone! God, please don't let them die!

Neji –

Oh god, please! Please!

Neji –

Neji –

Tears sprung in Naruto's eyes and trickled down his hot cheeks. Please don't go. Please don't die. He'd rather die then let those he loved – the elusive love that Naruto had finally, finally captured – fade away and become –

**Nothing**

* * *

– _and because of this overexertion, Naruto –_

* * *

_Little boy, little boy. _

_You pray to the wrong god, for I'm the only one willing to bargain. After all, you are 'special'. Not like the dull, shapeless norms – too afraid to ask – too afraid to borrow my power –_

_Too afraid to die._

_Little boy, little boy. You amuse me, indeed. _

_And so… To embrace you in my unyielding arms… To steal the gorgeous laughter that delights those that love you… To suck on the 'special' blood that colors your cheeks…_

_To taste the mortal fragility that sculpts your beauty…_

_Oh, little boy, little boy –_

_That will be the price I ask._

* * *

– _Naruto's body is deteriorating fast._

_**Naruto will die.**_

* * *

"Naruto…" Neji breathed weakly, opening his pale eyes to see the blonde's blue eyes beaming at him. The Hyuuga dizzily reached out a shaking, pale hand to finger the tan, taut skin of Naruto's cheeks. Warm. So warm.

This Naruto was real. Naruto was here. Here by his side.

Here.

"When did you get here?" Neji asked, grinning with the last of the strength left in his body. He offhandedly noticed that he was upon a cot, warm blankets wrapped around his aching chest, in the middle of a tent. On the other side of him, Shino was sleeping peacefully.

"I told you I'd catch up, hippie boy." Naruto chided, extending a bandaged hand towards the older boy. "But yer in bad shape! I sent you ahead to register me, baka, not get lost in an avalanche."

Neji dizzily grasped Naruto's hand tightly – so real, so real, so real – and accepted the smaller boy's consoling touch. Despite the fact that he'd been facing death in his unconsciousness just a minute ago, the Hyuuga felt happier than he had ever felt in his life. Neji brought Naruto's wrapped hands to his lips and closed his eyes blissfully.

"So, yer surgery went well. Huh, Naruto?" Neji choked out, swimming in happy emotions. "Dr. Tsunade made you better!"

Neji felt, felt instead of saw because his eyes were closed, Naruto flinched.

_He flinched._

Neji's pale eyes flew open again as his heart started to thump at an unusual rhythm and his breath became uneven. The older boy, his lips still twisted into a smile, prodded again. "So there're no side-effects to the surgery, right? Except for the bandages and stuff, you are all cured?"

Please, oh god, please… Please, don't let what I'm fearing be true. God, please, god – if you are there, you can't possibly let this happen... Please…

"Yeah. Of course, I'm all better now."

Naruto grinned at the frozen Hyuuga. The blonde's smile was absolutely gorgeous. The corners of his pink mouth followed a smooth, delicate curve, almost radiating carefree, innocent happiness. Warmth that didn't reach Naruto's blue eyes.

And Neji knew. Naruto was lying. Naruto was lying!

"You didn't…" Neji hissed, wishing with all his heart that he'd died in the avalanche so that he could avoid this new, unrivaled pain, "Naruto, you didn't…"

"I got to go tell the nurses your up, Neji." Naruto averted his head sharply away from the bigger boy and stood. "They wanted me to alert them as soon as you showed sign of regaining – "

Naruto stopped and coughed into his bandaged hands. After a minute of coughing, Naruto lifted his hand again. Shiny, bright blood glistened opened the white bandages wrapped around the blonde's slim hands.

Neji's world came crashing down around him.

Naruto didn't notice his own blood and instead, went on in a forced jovial tone, "– as soon as you showed sign of regaining conscious – "

The blonde started coughing again, this time doubling over to clutch his sides. Instantly, Neji stumbled out of bed to catch the blonde before he fell against the cement floor. The pale boy screamed for help – any help – anyone – anything! – as blood burst from Naruto's nose and mouth.

The silently, trickling blood made a beautiful, wonderful pool of red on the harsh, hard floor.

* * *

Neji stared out the window of Tsunade's office. The scenery outside was resplendently beautiful, decorated in pure, delicate snow. God, he hated winter.

"Naruto's system is built to support the alarming amount of pheromone and body chemicals he creates and due to the strain it ages that much more quickly."

And why did this damned winter seem to drag on forever and ever? How come it was still so, so goddamn cold? God, he hated cold. He hated being alive and everything else that being alive meant. And, most of all, Neji hated kami-sama too.

"The reason behind his residing pheromone levels was detected to be because Naruto was confined to bed after his arm injury. It's been discovered that sports or physical activity for Uzumaki Naruto stimulates the speed at which his body produces his extra pheromones and his extra body chemicals."

Neji gripped the windowsill so hard that his knuckles became white. If God were doing his job, Neji would be happily dead and peacefully buried in the snow of Hokkaido Mountains while his blonde would be innocently playing basketball with his father.

"With the addition of excessive sports, his already unstable system will go wild. Light exercise is inevitable, of course. However, playing professional basketball – out of the question."

Neji had forsaken all his other dreams to wish instead for a single dream. So why couldn't his dream, his Naruto, be salvaged from any more pain? He'd given up everything, save wishing for his blonde's happiness. Wasn't Neji's everything enough of a price to pay? What more could he possibly give up?

"Already, Naruto's death was hastened twenty, thirty years. If he continues to play, it'd bring death nearer by fifty, sixty years – _if_ he's very lucky."

Yes, Neji hated winter! He especially cursed snow. Snow was the most treacherous lie – the worst kind of lie. Snow – in its nothingness – was jealous of everything else. Snow endeavored to damn everything it touched into nothingness as well. And it'd be so much more forgivable if it'd succeeded in destroying Neji the first time…

"If not…if not…"

Snow was everything his blonde was not. Snow was nothing. Naruto was everything. Neji's everything.

"A normal person lives, say, a hundred years. Then, Uzumaki Naruto may – no, will. Will die in his early twenties."

Neji pictured the world outside dyed with blood. Sacrifice. Yes, sacrifice. If enough sacrifices were made, would Naruto be okay again? If Neji stained his own pale hands with blood of a hundred dead – a thousand, a million – would Naruto become all right – become well? One conviction - just one – and Neji could – and would – do anything.

"The T-CAR Ligand serves as a restraint in the body's pheromone producing system. Unfortunately, due to the recent incident, all and any restraint that existed in Naruto's body was destroyed."

There had to be a way! When the snow melted away and with it, all the lies it symbolized disappeared, some sort of – sort of – POSSIBILITY had to turn up. Someway that Neji could grant Naruto his wish. Someway those bloody, bloody sacrifices might be exchanged for Naruto's much more valuable smile.

"Naruto doesn't have time to become a professional basketball player. Every practice he has will work to kill him. He'll die if he pursues his dream. The more vigorously he plays, the more closely his end will draw near to stop him."

Because Neji would be more than ready to kill for a single, sincere smile. Because Neji was in love. Because Neji loved Naruto.

"Another surgery at this point is out of the question. The last surgery planned – when his body was somewhat controlling his unstable body system – was risky. Now that his body is raging out of a control, another surgery would be a death sentence. There's not even a fraction of a percentage it'll prove successful."

Why was the world so fucked up anyway? Why didn't the world go the fucking way it fucking should? And suddenly, the Hyuuga was filled with an immense desire to shatter everything else in the world that dare be happy when his blonde was stripped of that blessed emotion.

"Not with our current medical ability. Not yet."

Neji slammed his fist against the window, shattering the glass. He flicked the blood from his shredded fist upon the cursed snow to color it red. The adulterated snow dripped off the branch of the tree. Tsunade moved quickly to the pale boy's side to dam his blood flowing from his new wound but Neji jerked his hand away. He wanted to feel pain. He NEEDED to feel pain to know that he was alive and wasn't already in hell. So Tsunade's hands dropped to her side. She opened her useless mouth and uttered the last, shameless words she'd prepared. Said them quietly to the pale boy, knowing they'd hurt him more than the cuts on his hand.

"As his doctor, I order Naruto to stop playing basketball."

Neji flinched.

"So he can live. Because Naruto deserves so much to live…"

* * *

Shikamaru felt a pang in his chest as he related the last of his memory to his startled blonde audience before him. His mouth felt sticky and hard to open, but once the words started to flow they slid easily off his tongue. And the brunette uttered each painful word, each painful syllable.

"And, I remember, in the hospital room. Naruto was sitting up in bed, waiting for us. He made it seem like nothing was wrong. He raised one arm and greeted us with a broken, 'Hey.' Then he smacked Jiraya in a friendly way, chiding him for looking so serious, before telling Neji to lighten up too. And then Hinata started to cry and Naruto's grin shook a little, but he managed to keep it in place.

"I remember thinking that there must not be a kami-sama anywhere. Because, if there was something like that, he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't let a guy lose everything he has like that. I remember Neji starting to tell him, tell Naruto he couldn't play basketball, but Naruto cut him off. He already knew, I think. Naruto grinned at us and said, 'Yeah, but it doesn't matter. Who cares if I don't live to a ripe old age anyway?'

"Lee started to cry then. Then Chouji. Because Naruto was looking at them. He was looking – and asking. He knew about his condition but he wanted us to say that it was okay for him to play. He said all sort of shit, like how we should be happy to get rid of him more quickly because he was an annoying dobe, how a tensai basketball player shouldn't lose his image by growing white hairs, how he didn't even feel sick and that it probably wasn't us bad as we thought, how he didn't mind dying and leaving us crybabies and crap.

"He asked Iruka, Tsunade, Hinata – then, I remember him looking at me. Naruto was looking at me and said, 'Shikamaru, c'mon. You think so too, huh?' And, I don't know, I don't know when I started crying. I shook my head and Naruto looked at Jiraya and said, 'Chi chi, you can be a bachelor again soon – no stupid kid to look after, huh? Chi chi?'

"And Jiraya couldn't answer. He couldn't speak. Just couldn't. The last person Naruto looked at was Neji. He said, 'Neji, please let me play basketball.' And Neji –

* * *

"Neji." Naruto choked on his words. "Neji, please."

And Neji didn't want to believe anything but the words of his blonde before his eyes. Naruto wasn't any different. Look. Look! He was still so very much the same! What disease? What ligand deprivation? What Uke Syndrome? His blonde was still so very perfect – there was nothing wrong with Naruto –

Nothing, nothing, nothing!

"Let me play basketball." Naruto whispered, his voice hollow in his plea. "Please, let me play with you."

"N – "

"Neji, I want to play." Naruto begged, two tears sliding down his cheeks. Quickly, Naruto jerked a hand across his cheeks and wiped them away. Forcing another shaky smile to linger on his lips, Naruto asked again. "Neji, I want to play basketball."

His blonde – his Naruto – was not sick. They were all wrong – everyone else was wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Now, Neji would grant his love's only desire – Naruto's wish to play basketball – because Naruto. Was. Not. Sick.

"Naruto – " Neji opened his mouth, but the words evaporated on his tongue.

His blonde was so beautiful. So very beautiful. And so real. Real. His blonde was alive.

Suddenly Naruto gasped sharply, clutching his sides. And in front of Neji's eyes flashed the awful memory of holding a weakly breathing Naruto – bathed in beautiful blood – against him and screaming, screaming, screaming. After a moment, Naruto straightened up again to give a strong, embarrassed laugh as if his pain was just an illusion. But Neji still saw the pain. Because he remembered the smell of blood and –

_The taste of death so close_.

And he couldn't deny it.

There was something hideously wrong with his perfect Naruto.

"Neji?" Naruto reached up, and cupped the pale boy's face in his thin hand. Neji's pale eyes saw the twenty so needles plugged deep into the blonde's tan flesh of his arm. Naruto wasn't as strong as he pretended to be – Naruto wasn't as strong as he lied he was…

"Neji? What's wrong? Why are ya crying?"

"…"

"Neji!" Naruto blurted, impatient now for the boy's answer, "Neji! I wanna play! Please, please, let me play! Gawd, you promised Neji? Remember!"

"…"

"Remember that time you were here last time? Re-remember? You have to remember! You said that I should get better to play basketball with you, right? Right? As soon as I'm out of this shit hole, I can play, right?"

"…"

"Nothing's changed! Don't cry! Don't cry cos nothing's different!" Naruto screamed, ripping his hand away from Neji as though the other boy's skin suddenly burned him. "I – "

"…I'm still part of the… the team, right?" Naruto whispered, brokenly. "Because – because, you'll let me play… right?"

_Please, please say yes –_

"No, Naruto."

Even to his own ears, Neji's voice sounded disgustingly callous and harshly stripped of emotion.

"No, Naruto. Don't play."

"Don't ever play."

* * *

"Everything kind of froze then. For a long while, the whole entire room was only sounds – sounds of people crying. And then, and then, Naruto – he opened his mouth and said, "I promise I'll never play basketball again."

"Just like that.

"I promise I'll never play basketball again."

Shikamaru closed his eye against the painful memory and sighed, tiredly.

"Naruto was grinning at us, just smiling and smiling, and –"

**Naruto had already died.**

* * *

Author's Note: And… we are done. Done. Wow. So, take a breather. Man, _I_ need a breather… and, possibly, a tissue.

Tell me what you think, alright? This is your last chance to lobby for some "interaction" before relationships start to get serious. And send Naruto some much needed love!


	30. Chapter 30

Author's Note: With this chapter, we are now officially back on normal UUS timeline (though it is a little hard for me to swing back into rhythm). I can now go on with what's happening to a high school freshman Naruto, teasing everyone with all the potential pairings.

_Author ducks an onslaught of shurikens (now pretty used to being attacked)_

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Thirty_

Birds were chirping.

Shikamaru groaned, his eyes flickering open. Gawd – was it morning already? But he didn't want to get up. He was way, way too comfortable and his mind was way, way too much like strawberry jello.

Shut up, baka birds. I'm not going to get up so you can stop with the morning song crap.

The brunette boy shifted his shoulders and settled down again into the covers. The slight and pleasantly warm weight on his bare chest moved and the pony-tailed boy, in his grogginess, didn't bother opening his eye to investigate what it was. Instead, Shikamaru dove into the arms of slumber once more.

* * *

Temari's eyes fluttered and she peeked out at the gentle morning light. Kuso – it couldn't really be morning! That was a lie! She was too tired for it to be morning. And besides, she was having a very nice sleep and didn't want to be disturbed.

Get that, baka birds? I don't want to be disturbed so stop with the chirping crap.

The blonde girl stretched her naked legs under the soft covers and snuggled her head against her pillow. Her pillow, in response, sighed in his sleep. In her grogginess, Temari didn't notice that her pillow had made a very human sound and rubbed her face against the soft skin. She closed her eyes to return to blissful sleep once more.

* * *

Lee stumbled out of the hospital, dark circles ringing his eyes. Tittering on his feet from lack of sleep (and lack of mental comfort since the night before), he stumbled on his way back to the dorm. Ten Ten walked sheepishly behind him.

"Sorry about that, Lee." The dark-haired girl muttered. "I, er, made you go out of your way, didn't I?'

Lee almost collided headfirst into a telephone pole. Ten Ten grabbed the boy's long, slender green-clad arm to stop him. Lee flinched at her touch.

"I, um, did I give you a hard time?" Ten Ten asked apologetically, letting him go. "I don't really remember what happened and – "

Lee just barely missed stepping into the rain gutter. Ten Ten jerked him back again and decided to just keep her hold on him. The pretty cheerleader could kind of guess that she'd probably done something embarrassing to mess with Lee's mind like this…

…but didn't come anywhere near guessing that she'd progressed to licking and nibbling on Lee's neck after rubbing her face against him five-hundred and twenty-six times…

As a curious Ten Ten and a harried Lee made there way past a huge hotel, an incredible scream shattered the morning tranquility. This was immediately followed by a too familiar voice loudly protesting, "TE-TEMARI! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT DRAWER?! PUT THAT – "

CRASH!

Lee revived out of his coma-state to exchanged wide-eyed stares with Ten Ten.

"Shikamaru!" They cried, simultaneously.

Racing into the prominent love hotel and pushing past the receptionist, who was kindly offering them condoms ("Wow. They must _really_ wanna do it."), Lee and Ten Ten made their way swiftly toward the noise of destruction.

Ten Ten wondered _how_ in the world Shikamaru could be here. Maybe she was schizophrenic and hallucinating – hopefully she was hallucinating what she thought had happened last night. But other matters were even more pressing than her mental stability – like protecting Shikamaru's virginity. Ten Ten pounded urgently on the door of the room where the sounds of breaking furniture were coming from.

"Shikamaru! Shikamaru!" The dark-haired girl shrilled. "Are ya all right?!"

"ARGH! DON'T –"

_SLAM!_

"Get out of the way." Lee ordered.

When Ten Ten had moved away from the door, Lee twirled around in a graceful circle to smash his foot through the thick wooden door. The lean boy then rammed his shoulder against the broken wood and the door fell open. Lee leapt into the room, followed immediately by an impressed Ten Ten.

"SHIKAMARU!"

…

And before Lee and Ten Ten's worried eyes, Shikamaru lay shirtless on the thick carpet of the destroyed hotel room. A blonde girl – wearing a very skimpy nightdress that revealed practically all of her thighs – was straddled upon his stomach, holding a whip over her head. They blinked in surprise at the sight of Lee and Ten Ten. Lee and Ten Ten blinked back.

Instantly, the worry and shock evaporated from Lee and Ten Ten's expressions and was replaced by a steaming blush of embarrassment.

"Wh-what is this?!" Ten Ten shrilled, covering her red face with her hands in mortification. "I-I didn't know you were a masochist, Shikamaru! I-I was w-worried for nothing!"

"This is what you call 'discussing important stuff about basketball'??" A teary-eyed Lee wailed, not wanting to believe what he was seeing. "Doesn't look like basketball to me! Ah! The traumas of YOUTH!!"

With a high-pitch wail, Lee – tears streaming down his face – charged out of the hotel room. Ten Ten raced after him, shouting, "Lee! Don't leave me alone with them!" The two raced past the receptionist, ignoring the bill he timidly held in his hand, screaming incoherently. ("The passionate ones always fade the fastest. Tsk tsk.")

Up in the hotel room, Shikamaru and Temari stared out of their broken door. They turned to each other and blinked in confusion. Only after a full minute had ticked by, did the turn of events register into their heads.

"WAIT! IT'S _SO _NOT LIKE THAT!"

"MISUNDERSTANDING! THIS IS A MISUNDERSTANDING!!"

* * *

Neji and Naruto made their way out of their dorm room to join the other boys at the field. Though neither of them said a word, they were both worried that Shikamaru hadn't shown up yet when there was only ten minutes left till afternoon practice. Chouji was near wilting with worry and Shino was even more sternly silent than usual (if that was possible).

Just then –

"WAaaaaaAHHHHHHHHH ! I TRUSTED you to keep yourself CLEAN of the EVIL TEMPTATIONS of YOUTH but – ! But – !!"

A sobbing Lee raced past them. Neji opened an umbrella (that he'd pulled out of nowhere) to protect Naruto from the sudden spray of water.

"Lee? Are ya – " Naruto stared after the bowl-cut boy, confused, when –

"LEE!! WAIT FOR ME!!"

A shrieking Ten Ten burst past them.

"Ten Ten sempai?" Naruto blinked after her. "Are you feeling better n – "

"I CAN EXPLAIN!!"

Shikamaru blasted past, half-naked. His bedraggled hair was out of his normal ponytail and loose upon his shoulders.

"Shika – !!"

"THERE'S A PERFECTLY DECENT EXPLANATION BEHIND THIS!!"

Temari, in a very sexy, very filmy nightdress, pounded after them, waving a twirling whip.

Neji slapped his pale hand over Naruto's wide eyes to protect the little blonde's innocent, virgin eyes from the not-so-pretty grown-up secrets of the world. But Shikamaru? Gawd, that was unexpected. Maybe this was a destined sign from kami-sama for Neji to sit down and have a talk with Naruto soon about the birds and the bees. The world was a dangerous place now a days – and so unpredictable. What if Neji didn't tell Naruto and Naruto learned it from Shikamaru?? Neji winced. That'd be… PERVERSE.

In the distance where Sand was practicing, came a huge uproar of –

"When did you come back?!"

"Wait! Whoa – Temari??"

"Holy shit! Why'd you keep _that _under a gym suit?"

The loud sound of a whip cracking followed promptly by a painful scream.

Neji moved his hand to cover Naruto's innocent, virgin ears. Yup. Shikamaru was way, way too kinky.

* * *

A red-faced Temari sat, wrapped in Kankuro's basketball jersey, next to a red-faced Shikamaru, with Chouji's jersey draped over his shoulders. Kankuro sat to his sister's left, glaring at Shikamaru and Chouji. Chouji sat to Shikamaru's right, glaring at Temari and Kankuro. A teary-eyed Lee was being comforted by a disturbed Ten Ten. Shino was successfully keeping the amusement out of his expressions. Kiba was not so successfully hiding his own amusement. And Neji sat with Naruto in one corner, a pair of rimless glasses on the high bridge of his nose, slapping his pointer over charts of the male and female anatomy and tirelessly going on about hoses, gardens, and the magic of planting seeds. Naruto was intently listening to the lecture, his blue eyes spinning in mystification.

Everyone that Shikamaru and Temari believed they owed an explanation to was crowded into a spare storage room. They were inside this cramped space to avoid the all-too-interested stares of the Sand team (who wanted to interview Shikamaru about how he'd laid their blonde, spit-fire manager and were now, actually, just outside the door pressing cupped ears against the wood). The group waited impatiently to hear Shikamaru and Temari 'clear up the misunderstanding' and assert that, indeed, 'they hated each other's guts' and 'had nothing to do with each other'. And, above everything else, why their being in a love hotel with a whip somehow involved was 'all a matter of freaky coincidence'.

"Er, so this is everybody?" Temari's eyes darted across the room.

As if to answer the question, the door of the storage room burst open (and a few Sand basketball players fell in). Gaara, after kicking aside the bodies that deterred his path, stepped casually into the room giving a recognizing nod toward his sister and brother.

"Gaara!"

"…" Silently, Gaara shut the door again and leaned against a wall of the storage room. The redhead spoke in a low, throaty voice. "Hurry. We are late for practice."

At the redhead's appearance, Naruto had instantly stiffened and a pink blush spread across his tan nose. His blue eyes darted everywhere except to meet Gaara's green gaze. Gaara's expressionless lips twitched for the briefest second into a smirk before the redhead looked straight ahead again. Shikamaru (and Neji) immediately noticed these small but obvious signs of acknowledgment and what they might mean. While Neji brooded jealously, Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at Temari. Temari nodded in agreement, to show that she'd seen.

"Okay…" Kankuro's suspicious eyes darted between his sister and Shikamaru. He frowned in evident dislike. Did they just share meaningful looks? Who was this weird guy that suddenly ran off with his sister, anyway??

While Kankuro seethed, putting a strong protective arm between Shikamaru and Temari, Chouji stared at his best friend and Temari. The chubby boy was munching worriedly on a chocolate chip cookie. Shikamaru and this blonde girl were obviously sharing some sort of secret. Temari, was it? Why did Shikamaru – as far as he made out from what a bawling Lee had told him – share not only secrets but also a hotel room with her?? Chouji thought Shikamaru hated love hotels ever since that incident with Ino…

Shikamaru massaged a migraine. Gah – how troublesome! It was troublesome to a degree that thinking about how troublesome the situation was troublesome! It looked like everyone suspected him of having some sort of romantic (shudder) relationship with Temari and the only way he'd clear it up would be by explaining parts of what'd lead to today's disastrous morning. Which meant – more talking! He'd talked enough yesterday night to wake the dead! Whatever happened to the masculine virtue of silence??

But now, Shikamaru groaned inwardly, wasn't the time for silence. Now was the time of clearing this fucked up misunderstanding. Okay, Nara, just get this over with. Think asexual, think aversion, think indifference –

_What part of last night was any of those things??_

After he'd told Naruto's story, Shikamaru had felt that his heart was stripped and was placed painfully raw in his hands. If Temari had prodded or poked questions, Shikamaru's heart might have burst in blood from too much repressed memory attacking it all at once. But Temari didn't ask. She didn't say a single word.

Instead, the blonde girl simply poured him some of the alcohol they'd ordered and the two gulped down sake wrapped in that masculine virtue of silence. They drank and drank and drank and drank – but it wasn't exactly getting wasted because there was a certain order to their drinking – as if the whole thing was some sort of ceremonial ritual.

They drank thinking about how shit inevitably happened. They drank thinking about how life managed to thread faith in the most precarious twists. They drank knowing that they were simply sacrifices to some great conspiracy from above and how it didn't really matter because that was just what living meant. Being hurt but continuing to stand till you couldn't stand anymore.

And it was okay, it really was okay, because they weren't alone in the pain of reality. Because there was that warm taste of thick alcohol coating their tongue. Because there was the even warmer presence of a silent companion at their side –

But how was any of this going to contribute to explaining why Shikamaru and Temari 'hated each other's guts' or 'had nothing to do with each other'?? How could this lead to getting to the conclusion that their being in a love hotel with a whip somehow involved was 'all a matter of freaky coincidence'?? Shikamaru fidgeted and after a long silence of twitching, said slowly.

"We, er, we got drunk…"

Temari flinched at the brunette's words. So, he remembered as much as she did. And she remembered clearly to their almost-friendly, almost-respecting-each-other drinking. But afterwards…

'Nice, Shikamaru.' Temari thought sarcastically. 'I get to explain the hard part.'

Temari's smooth brow furrowed in concentration. Only after their bodies had been maximally filled with liquid, only after all the sake had been drunken, only then did the effects of the alcohol hit all at once. For a minute, Temari had tittered on the peak of some sort of nirvana – had felt that she understood everything about how the earth went round and had sat glowing in that total wisdom. Then, in the next minute, her body was experiencing the effects of a massively heavy intoxication. Even now, though she'd had such a beautiful night's sleep, she felt her internal system strain in effort to keep her body functioning properly.

Temari remembered Shikamaru tittering to his feet. He'd somehow walked in a more or less straight line into the bathroom. After a while, he'd tittered back out drying his newly washed face on his t-shirt that he'd stripped out of. Temari had thought thickly that, for an arrogant freshman, he had a very well toned chest indeed. She recalled watching the brunette go to the bed, pull back the covers, crawl in and fall into a deep sleep.

In her drunkenness, Temari vaguely applauded the boy's sensibility. She tried to imitate him, but she'd had trouble getting to her feet. So she'd crawled into the bathroom instead. There, in one of the cupboards, she found a package labeled nightwear. Not even calculating what nightwear provided by a love-hotel meant in her faint-headedness, Temari had unsuspectingly pulled it on. After splashing water on her cheeks and gurgling toothpaste water, the blonde had crawled out of the bathroom again and slipped into the other side of the bed.

And slept. Temari had slept. Yes. That was what'd happened. But it wouldn't sound like she and Shikamaru had… (shudder) had… a thing for each other if she explained it in so many words. Temari decided to summarize.

"We, er, we passed out…"

Shikamaru winced at the blonde's half-truthful words. The brunette did sort of recall going to sleep. He remembered the getting into bed part anyway. He just didn't remember why he'd gotten in the same bed with Temari. Had he crawled into the bed that she was already in – argh!! Or the other way around, maybe?? Maybe they'd jumped in at the same time?? GAH – !!

But they'd been drunk! They'd never have done something like that if they'd been sober! Of course! Never!

Putting aside his disorganized thoughts, Shikamaru plowed bravely onward, "Then we woke up…"

He left out the part of how he'd had a fucking great night's sleep…

"… and we didn't know where the fuck we were…"

Temari left out the part of how she'd half-woken up before that but had been so comfortable that she'd not suspected that something was out of the ordinary…

"… and then Temari freaked out." Shikamaru concluded.

"Asshole!" Temari snapped, jerking around to glare at a smirking Shikamaru. "Don't put this all on me!"

"You are the one that threw the drawer!" Shikamaru insisted.

"I was just a little surprised! Experience like this is more traumatic for a girl, you jerk!" Temari blurted angrily, reddening.

"So I suppose your average, a little surprised girl usually starts attacking innocent people with whips??" Shikamaru snickered.

"The whip was in the drawer! It was just there!" Temari protested. "It was the closest thing I could reach to clobber you with, moron!"

"But it wasn't my fault that – "

Their argument was interrupted by Kankuro clearing his throat loudly.

"Okay, okay." The boy eyed them, his eyes suspicious triangles. "We get how the masochist/whip thing might have been a misunderstanding but…"

"WHY WERE YOU IN THE LOVE HOTEL IN THE FIRST PLACE??" Chouji blurted, asking the one crucial question.

"To use the bathroom." Temari and Shikamaru answered together, instantly.

…

The faces of everyone listening were indescribable.

* * *

A red-eyed Sakura pulled one cupped ear away from the wall of the storage room. An equally red-eyed Ino seemed to have a harder time snapping back into reality, as she – her ear still pressed against the storage room wall – muttered over and over again under her breath, "Shikamaru no baka! Traitor! Shikamaru no baka! Traitor! Shikamaru no baka! Traitor…!!"

Sakura tapped her rival's shoulder to remind her to pull it together. At the warm touch, Ino instantly turned toward her to plop her head into the pink-haired girl's lap and started snoring. Sakura full-heartedly sympathized.

Last night, Ino and she had not slept a single wink. After Ino had revived Sakura, who the blonde had discovered passed out in the dirt next to the blown up storage room, they'd went off on a mad search for Shikamaru, hoping that all his limbs were still intact. Their superego was gnawing on their guilty conscience, harassing them for not honestly telling the pony-tailed boy's worried teammates what had happened.

Finally, after a devastating, fruitless night, the two girls had wandered back to the dorm to throw themselves at the feet of the Konoha team and ask for their gracious forgiveness for what they'd done to their probably blown-to-pieces team captain. And in front of their blood-shot eyes, a shirtless Shikamaru and the blonde Sand manager brandishing a whip had rushed past. After an hour of bawling that kami-sama had decided to punish their actions by taking back their ability to correctly comprehend the world, Sakura had finally snapped out of it. Summoning all her reasoning powers, the pink-haired girl had suggested that they go investigate what they'd seen.

It'd led them to crouch in the back of the storage room and use glasses to listen to the conversation going on inside. From everything they sort of heard, they'd come to their hard wrought conclusion: Their first GaaNaru plan was totally, utterly, completely, wholly, MAGNIFICENTLY shot.

"Sakura-chan." Ino muttered wearily into her friend's lap.

"Yes?" Sakura replied, just as tiredly.

"I think we tried to attack the problem much to subtly." Ino lifted her head out of Sakura's lap and squinted red eyes at the pink-haired girl. "We were much too indirect."

"How so?" Sakura asked, reaching over to fix Ino's crooked GaaNaru badge.

"We should just have a straightforward 'talk' with Naruto." Ino said, strength creeping into her voice again as a new hope started to shine.

"How can we have a 'talk' with Naruto when he has a full-time body-guard?" Sakura wondered out loud.

"We'll just 'borrow' him for minute." Ino said, her eyes lighting up as an ingenious idea formed in her mind. "Neji sempai doesn't even have to know."

"Borrow Naruto?" The pink-haired girl blinked.

* * *

Naruto wrapped thin, tan arms around Shikamaru's neck and quipped into the brunette's neck.

"I'm so glad yer alright, Shikamaru!" Naruto rubbed his nose against Shikamaru's shoulder lovingly. "Even if yer a masochist, I love having ya around."

"Oi, oi." Shikamaru muttered, trying to pry Naruto off his neck. Goose bumps were rising on his skin at Naruto's touch despite himself. But his desperate fingers did nothing to loosen the little blonde's iron grip. "Gah! Yer so troublesome!"

"That's such a Shikamaru thing to say!" Naruto gushed, holding on fast. "I missed you so much!!"

"I was only gone for one night." Shikamaru said tiredly to the bundle hanging on his back.

Naruto blinked. "But it seems so much longer than that, somehow."

"Huh. You are right. It seems like several chapters went by or something." Shikamaru agreed, frowning. "Funny."

"Naruto." An accented, cool voice hissed, disturbing the blonde and the brunette's short contemplations about the passage of time. "Get. Off. Shika. Maru."

Shikamaru paled at the sight of Neji start to slowly seethe next to him. The Hyuuga's hand was twitching for want to manually pry his blonde's arms off Shikamaru and then ring the brunette boy's neck. Shikamaru, wanting to preserve his life, try to pull Naruto off him again.

But Naruto had different ideas…

"No way." Naruto whined, his clutch on Shikamaru's neck tightening. "If I let go, Shikamaru's going to go off to another love hotel with Temari and leave me a-lone-!"

"I'm NOT going to another love hotel – "

"Naruto, you are NOT alone – "

"Not! Getting! Off!"

The other members of the Konoha team started laughing at the loud argument of their three teammates. Shino, Kiba, Lee and Chouji had been walking behind the trio on their way to afternoon practice and watching the usual chaos with fond amusement. As Lee soothingly patted a ticked off Neji's arm, Chouji playfully slugged an annoyed Shikamaru's arm. Kiba reached up to ruffled Naruto's already messy, golden hair. The blonde was still on Shikamaru's back and Shino wordlessly picked Naruto up and off. Naruto instantly adhered himself to a surprised (and turning to stone) Shino's neck, setting off Neji again.

And everything was happily back to normal (or what was normal for these boys) in the Konoha team…

…for now, anyway.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanx for sticking with me for so long – can you believe that this is my thirtieth chapter? It's all because of all you lovely reader people. As always, please leave a note about what you thought about this chapter. You guys rock. Seriously. (Especially the ones that review, lol.)


	31. Chapter 31

Author's Note: I am sorry to all my fans for the lack of updates/responses. This chapter we have a little bit of a Naruto fest. Hope you enjoy and know that, whatever I'm doing, I love you guys for being here always. I do.

Hearts, Rosesareblue.

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME **

**by rosesareblue**

_Chapter Thirty-one_

"Okay, guys!" Naruto waved cheerfully at his teammates. "Let's call it a break!"

Kiba groaned, nearly melting into the ground. Gah – ! Stupid blonde dobe! How could he make such a kawaii smile while forcing them to follow such a grueling training schedule? The idiots on the Sand and Sound team thought they had it bad with their strict managers – bullshit! Did they know Konoha's pain?? Konoha's manager pushed them even more!!

Naruto didn't settle for sweat – he wanted BLOOD. The difference was just that Naruto looked absolutely innocent and completely gorgeous while being the spawn-of-the-devil…

As if to confirm his thoughts, Chouji passed out next to him, falling face first into the dirt.

"Hang in there, Chouji!" Naruto called out cutely, as if he wasn't the one that'd sentenced the chubby boy to run fifty-six laps in a squatting pose. "Take a short shower and I'll see you in the cafeteria, okay?"

In reply, the grinning blonde got a collective moan from his near-death teammates. Even Neji's usually cool exterior was nullified with the damp sweat that clung on his pale skin. Satisfied that practice had been a success, Naruto turned to a worried Hinata to give her instructions to read off today's stats to the Konoha team and then started busily organizing the training supplies.

* * *

Naruto happily whistled as he made his way toward the storage room. Today, he'd been a little soft on his teammates because today was Friday, the end of the week, and he knew everyone would be tired. Everyone deserved a treat in the prospect of the weekends, right?? But tomorrow… tomorrow…

Naruto's blue eyes lit up in a sadistic glint as he cackled at his already planned out training schedule.

But now, he'd put all this equipment away and get ready for dinner. Gah – !! He was so hungry! In fact, Naruto was so hungry that he could almost smell the sweet fragrance of miso ramen in the air… nnnmmmm… delicious….

Naruto entered the storage room, relishing even in the delusional scent of his favorite food. After he'd dreamily put all the equipment away, he exited the storage room and hurried toward the cafeteria. Turning the corner, the blonde nonplussed.

After a long moment of silence, Naruto rubbed his eyes and looked again. Nope, still there. The blonde repeated his actions but the splendid sight in front of his eyes didn't change. Gah! He MUST be hungry! Because he was having hallucinations! Hallucinations that looked like…

…a trail of…

STEAMING MISO RAMEN BOWLS!!

Naruto's heart started to thump at the truly glorious sight. Lotsa miso ramen. Lots and lots and lots of miso ramen… Naruto knelt down and timidly touched one of his hallucinations, hoping it wouldn't burst into fantasy bubbles.

But the bowl felt firm.

Naruto's eyes grew round. Could it be that it WASN'T A HALLUCINATION?? The miso ramen trail was FOR REAL?? There was only one way to know for sure!

Naruto reached for the pair of wooden chopsticks (conveniently set alongside the bowl of ramen) and dug in.

The taste was too wonderful for it to be a hallucination!!

One heckavu happy blonde gobbled his way down the miso ramen trail towards a dark room at the far end of one hard to find hallway. Slurping and chewing loudly, the blonde didn't even hear the shutting of the door behind him and the echoing click of a heavy lock…

* * *

Neji nodded distractedly at something Shino said to him and looked intently toward the cafeteria door. Naruto would be returning soon. Maybe he had some trouble with organizing the equipment, but even with that considered, he should be back in the next – at most – nine minutes. It wasn't like he could be (choke) with someone else or something because that potential someone else was having dinner in this very room…

"Hey, Neji." Chouji tapped the older boy, pausing in his furiously swallowing pieces of meat. "Did you see this?"

The Hyuuga boy turned with half-interest towards the chubby boy. Chouji extended an open sports magazine toward the pale boy. The rest of the Konoha team crowded in to have a look.

"It has an article about you." Chouji smiled in a friendly way in between bites. "It calls you a monster on the basketball court – says your basketball abilities are supernatural – not human –"

As Shikamaru gave the older boy an acknowledging pat on the back and Lee gave an impressed whistle, Neji gave a curt shake of the head.

"But that's not what a monster is." Neji said quietly.

"Huh?" Kiba asked, puzzled that a dangerous flicker was crossing Neji's pale eyes.

Neji's voice was cool and cutting as he answered. "A real monster's someone that isn't hindered by limits of time. A real monster's someone that appears suddenly and take away something you've worked for so long to attain."

When Neji looked up, he glared past the startled faces of his teammates to stare at the table where the Sand team was having their meal. His eyes focused on a certain redheaded boy, unperturbedly sipping his broth.

"A monster's someone that too easily steals away the one thing – the only thing – that you really want."

Suddenly, Gaara looked up to see Neji's furious white eyes boring into him. And, though it wouldn't be possible for the redhead to have heard the Hyuuga's words, Gaara set down his bowl and allowed his smooth lips to twitch into a victorious smile.

Because…

Gaara already knew Naruto loved him.

* * *

Naruto finished the last of his thirty-first bowl of miso ramen with a satisfied blench. Setting his wooden chopsticks down, Naruto stretched his arms in pure after-bliss of having consumed large quantities of his favorite food. Only afterwards did the blond realize he was in a dark room that he'd never been to before. Before he had a chance to ponder any longer, a cool voice behind him snapped.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

Naruto jumped and turned to see two dark figures. The blonde's brow furrowed in confusion. The two forms peeled away from the shadows and stood menacingly in front of the startled blonde.

Naruto's eyes opened wide in shock.

"Ino? Sakura-chan?? What are you doing here?"

"Did you enjoy your meal, Naruto?" Ino said, a cold smile on her lips.

"Er, yeah." Naruto blinked. "But why do ya look so creepy right now??"

Ino scoffed and nudged her pink-haired friend. Sakura also gave a twisted smile. "Because we have a proposal to make to you, Naruto."

"Yeah, yeah." The blonde answered, walking past them to click on the lights. "But we can do that with the lights on, can't we?"

"STOP DESTROYING THE MOOD, BAKA!" Ino complained, her fist coming down on Naruto's head.

"WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL IN THIS SCENE!!" Sakura whined, her fingers pinching Naruto's cheeks relentlessly.

Naruto sniffed, rubbing his sore red cheeks as a bump rose out of his blonde hair. "That hurts…"

Huffing, Ino and Sakura plopped down in two vacant chairs and gestured for the blonde to sit down as well. Naruto, still in pain, sat in front of the two angry, purposeful women.

"Look, Naruto." Ino began, putting all pretenses aside. "We want to talk to you about Gaara."

Neither Ino or Sakura missed Naruto suddenly twitch at the name. The girls shared triumphant glances at what that implied.

"W-what about Gaara?" Naruto asked haltingly, not meeting either girl's eyes.

"We'll help you make Gaara want you!" Sakura announced decisively.

Naruto almost fell out of his seat. Did Sakura-chan know how to read minds or something? Or did everyone catch on to his little secret?? Nui!! Struggling to keep his limited cool about him, the little dobe fidgeted, "Wh-why would I want that arrogant asshole, a-anyway?!"

The last of the blonde's words were almost said angrily. Ino's eyebrows shot up on her white forehead. No way! Did something already happen between Gaara and Naruto? Without the knowledge of GaaNaru fan club?? My, this was more than she could have hoped for…

"With a guy as good-looking as Gaara, if you don't hurry," Sakura lectured patiently, experience making her words wise, "You'll never get anywhere and end up coming up against more and more competition. I should know."

"Competition??" Naruto echoed. Obviously, the concept was something all together new to the dobe's mind.

"Right. If you don't get Gaara now, he'll go to another girl – or guy." Ino promptly explained to the small blonde.

"Who?" Naruto blinked, his eyes wide in surprised innocence.

"If you don't make it clear that you want Gaara, Gaara will go out with – with – " And Ino realized that she knew virtually nothing about Sand's sexy redhead. Well, no fear. This was why kami-sama created those white things called lies.

" – with me!" Ino finished dramatically, her elegant hands making meaningless arcs for effect.

"But Gaara doesn't know you exist." Naruto replied, seriously confused now.

Sakura laughed awkwardly to shield the sound of Ino's violently shattering self-pride.

"Just – with other girls, Naruto." Sakura insisted, patting a crushed Ino's back in a spot that was free of anime slugs of self-pity. "Gaara's popular, isn't he?"

Suddenly Naruto could picture too clearly the sight of several girls accosting Gaara on that day he'd rescued Sasuke from fangirls. Suddenly Naruto could see too vividly the long, skinny legs of the blonde girl sprawled under the hidden shades of shrubbery. Suddenly Naruto could conjure in his minds eye, Gaara's jersey covered with dirt…

…and how Gaara didn't seem to want Naruto the same way Naruto wanted Gaara…

At the blonde's silence, Ino's lips twisted into a confident smile. Yes, their plan was going perfectly…

"You should keep asking Gaara out, Naruto." Ino prodded.

"I dunno." Naruto looked skeptically at both girls, a little stricken at their bold suggestion. "How is that going to make Gaara want me if he doesn't want me in the first place??"

Ino bit down on her lip hard. That somehow made sense, almost. She suddenly felt strange, as though she'd heard something that applied very closely to her own life. The pretty blonde cheerleader fell into a (rare) silent state of confused contemplation. Luckily, Sakura came to her rescue as she stubbornly crossed her arms in front of her chest and snapped, "Look Naruto. How long have you been a girl?"

"Er…never." Naruto replied, his brows creasing. The pink-haired girl was asking him really easy questions now. The change was hard for him to get accustomed to.

"How long have Ino and I been girls?" Sakura demanded, her hands on her hips now.

"For your whole life!" Naruto replied instantly, smiling widely at the effortlessness in which he could respond.

Sakura almost choked as those impossibly blue eyes seemed to turn even bluer and lit up. Gah! He was gushing pheromone all over the place! She – even though she was a girl the last time she checked – was starting to feel like she wanted to protect the pure, innocent, chaste blonde – if he promised to pay her back a little later by stripping out of those uncomfortable clothes and maybe…

Sakura ripped at her pink hair, startling an unsuspecting Naruto. GARGH! What was she thinking?! Keep it together, Sakura-chan! Inner Sakura urged. This is for the WALKING SEX Uchiha Sasuke! Pull this through and you will be rewarded with a sexual fantasy passionately delivered by the amazing dark-haired sex king (yeah right). Not only that, _that_ sexual fantasy would allow her to be the one gasping 'more, more, harder, harder'. Not dreaming of putting it through a blonde BOY with equipment she didn't even HAVE.

This time it was Ino who rescued her near-hysterical rival. Feeling that she could almost sympathize with why Sakura was now slamming her wide forehead against the wall, Ino grimaced. The little dobe in front of her was really a threat – wasn't he? Ino knew from experience at Konoha High how much the little blonde could interrupt any girl's innocent love life and romantic fantasy. Like that one time: Naruto hadn't even GODDAMN RUN for Miss Konoha last semester. So why the FUCK was he crowned FIRST PLACE with TWICE the number of votes she – a spitfire in bed, sexy even in a burlap bag and dripping with feminine charm – was only selected for SECOND PLACE??

Trying to smother her personal hatred for the blonde, Ino reminded herself that _that_ was _exactly why_ Sakura and she had to succeed hooking the blonde with the very, very hot – but really scary – redheaded guy from Sand. With Uzumaki Naruto out of the pool of contestants, her own chance with Uchiha Sasuke would probably triple – maybe even quadruple!

Forcing herself not to think how pathetic her plan had just sounded, Ino twitched her lips in a smile as she explained patiently. "Naruto-chan, it's important to _show_ the guy you like how _much_ you like them…"

Naruto's brow furrowed. "…why are you calling me Naruto-chan??"

"I'll call you anything I goddamn want to, dobe!" Ino roared. She brought out a calendar from behind her back (using the conjuring skills she'd learned from Ten Ten nee-chan) and pushed it into Naruto's face. "Look at what's happening tomorrow."

Naruto blinked, staring at the circled and starred date with surprise. "What day is – "

"Konoha Fire Festival – doi! Only just the biggest festival in our district!" Ino shrilled, wondering how the blonde's stupidity could continuously impress her.

Naruto sighed, fidgeting in want to get up. "What does this have to do with making Gaara want me?"

Ino grinned evilly. "Just watch."

With that, the blonde girl and Sakura – who had somehow recovered from her frenzy – turned around to put on hastily made wigs. Ino pulled a short blonde scraggly wig upon her head and her eyes grew twice the size as she feigned cuteness. Sakura was having a harder time, struggling with black and red make up. In the end, she ended up with what looked like two black eyes and a bloody gash on the left side of her forehead, but she successfully managed to pull on her red wig.

Quickly, the pink-haired girl moved into place. Taking a basketball in her arms and balancing it against her hip, she looked far off into distance with an intent glare that might have worked for effect had she not looked like she'd just come out of a catfight.

Ino turned and hissed to Naruto, just in case the blonde idiot couldn't figure it out, "Okay, Naruto. Watch me – as you – come onto Sakura – as Gaara."

Sexily slithering up to Sakura/Gaara, Ino/Naruto glanced shyly at her feet as she said in an adorable voice, thrilling with girlish embarrassment, "Ah…G-Gaara-kun…"

Sakura/Gaara turned her intent gaze at Ino/Naruto, who fidgeted uncomfortably under the power of the scary glare.

"I-I was wondering…G-Gaara-kun… whether y-you wanted to c-come to the Konoha Fire Festival with me." Ino/Naruto looked cutely up at Sakura/Gaara, fluttering long lashes hopefully.

Sakura/Gaara continued to stare dangerously at Ino/Naruto. Ino/Naruto sweat-dropped in magnifying fear at the deadly look.

"I-I'll come back l-later, G-Gaara-kun…" Ino/Naruto finally squeaked.

Sakura/Gaara smirked and looked off into the distance again. As Ino/Naruto dejectedly crept away from the sullen other – her/his heart beating rapidly in terror at the cold gaze – she/he stopped dead in her/his tracks at the sudden realization of how their skit had gone terribly wrong.

"SAKURA!!" Ino whined, whirling around to face her rival and pulling off her wig in frustration. "That's not it!!"

Sakura seemed to wake up from her dark and deep spell and she stuck out her tongue sheepishly at the other furious girl.

"Oops! I was just getting into my role…"

"UGH!" Ino groaned as Naruto, in the background, sighed forlornly at the sight of his represented self get harshly rejected by his represented crush. "You IDIOT! You were SUPPOSED to say 'Of course, my sexy little blonde! You are so GODDAMN CUTE!' CAN'T YOU GET THAT STRAIGHT?! IT'S SO FREAKIN' EASY!"

"Don't call me an IDIOT!" Sakura roared, a vein popping up on her wide forehead. "Why would I FUCKING ever think you were goddamn CUTE, Ino-pig?!"

"Why can't you memorize your freakin' lines even though you have such a FREAKIN' LARGE forehead??" Ino screamed back.

"But I would never go out with you anyway, Ino-pig!" Sakura yelled. "Not unless all the guys in the world – including the corpses – were wiped off the planet and there weren't any farm animals left!!"

"Well, I would never ask you out, forehead-girl!" Ino quipped, sorely insulted.

Both screaming girls didn't see a slightly depressed Naruto quietly exit the room as they continued to badmouth each other.

* * *

Sasuke dribbled the ball in his hands slowly. A single light bulb assisted the setting sun in lighting the Uchiha's silent, lonely play. The black haired boy twirled around smoothly and delivered a graceful free throw shot – too easy.

Too fucking easy that it was meaningless.

Sasuke sighed darkly, closing his eyes briefly. He was brooding. Brooding about a certain usuratonkachi that was causing him to experience mixed feelings and a certain past boyfriend that was sending him mixed signals. And underlying all this frustration – there was –

_Itachi_.

The next shot Sasuke made didn't even hit the backboard and instead bounced away into the bushes. The dark haired boy ran a frustrated hand through his hair. Fuck. Now he'd have to go ball searching in shrubbery. Perfect.

But much to Sasuke's surprise, his lost basketball rolled out of the leaves and hit against his feet.

What the –

His silky white brow creasing in confusion, Sasuke picked up his ball and peered over the brush. His surprised black eyes met embarrassed blue ones of a little blonde crouched in the tall grass.

"Naruto!"

"Heh, heh." Naruto laughed sheepishly, as if he'd been caught doing something wrong. "Nice weather out, huh, Sasuke?"

Without bothering to answer, Sasuke asked, puzzled at the blonde's presence, "What are you doing here, dobe?" Hadn't he seen Konoha turn in already after their evening practice? Why was Naruto out alone without Hyuuga Neji?

At the pale boy's blunt question, a faint blush appeared on Naruto's cheeks. "I-it wasn't as if I was watching you play, so-so there!!"

Sasuke blinked. Naruto was watching him play? Why??

Naruto hurriedly got to his feet, dusting off the grass and dirt that clung to his clothes. It was evident that Naruto'd been there for a while – maybe as long as Sasuke himself had been out shooting hoops. Curiosity getting the better of him, the Uchiha raised one dark eyebrow and subtly prodded, "Jealous, dobe?"

Naruto's head whipped around, his blue eyes alight at the slight provocation. "Of what? Your stupid basketball abilities? Ha!"

Sasuke twirled the orange ball smoothly on his hand. Seeing that Naruto's angry eyes were still glued on the ball in his hands, the Uchiha smirked. Promptly, the pale boy turned to wander away from the seething blonde.

"Hey, wait!" Naruto blurted. "I'm not done talking to you – WAIT!"

The blonde leapt aptly over the bushes and shot after Sasuke, who was already back on the basketball court. The Uchiha twisted easily out of Naruto's outstretched hand and gracefully started to dribble the basketball. When Naruto just stared at him, Sasuke quietly taunted, "What's wrong, dobe? I thought you were so 'superior'."

Naruto's blue eyes were shining with a sudden raw pain. "I-I can't play." The little blonde choked out. "I can't play basketball, Sasuke."

"Who says I was going to play basketball with you, usuratonkachi?" The Uchiha scoffed, still dribbling the ball easily in his hands. "You can't even steal the ball away from me – so why would I play _basketball_ with you? You aren't even in the same league, dobe."

"Shut up." Naruto snapped. The pain in his eyes was now quickly replaced by a determined glare. He now understood the type of challenge.

In reply, Sasuke only dribbled the basketball more fluidly, more silkily. Naruto needed no other invitation to attack. The small blonde darted forward with the agile grace of an athlete.

Soon, the sun had completely set and only the single light bulb was shining on the two boys playing keep away on a deserted basketball court. The pale boy's movements were polished and graceful, the basketball bouncing precisely against his hand. A look of steely concentration was evident in his black eyes – it took every single trick he'd mastered these twelve years to keep the ball away from the eager little blonde. The blonde's movements contrasted with the pale boy in that they were bold and more aggressive. And what he lacked in the dark-haired boy's size, he made up in speed.

But there was one thing completely identical about Naruto and Sasuke.

Smooth, innocent smiles tugged on the corners of both their lips.

* * *

Author's Note:

_Author: Leave me a review, readers – after all, I work hard to write this stuff… (author's eyes become dangerous slits )_

_Sakura: (nervously to Naruto) S-She's in a mood!_

_Naruto: (pales) Gah! I always end up getting the butt of her plot devices when she's like this… (starts to tremble)_

_Sakura: (mutters) The poor fate of the main character._


	32. Chapter 32

Author's Note: In the previous chapter… there was (some) SasuNaru. (I can almost here the "finally!" uttered in a totally exasperated tone by some of my readers.) Hope you enjoy this chapter!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**By Rosesareblue (because I rock… oh yea oh yea)**

_Chapter Thirty-two_

Sasuke gasped, lying down on the cement. Naruto lay down on the ground next to him, propping his head on the bigger boy's smooth belly. In his small hands, the blonde clutched the basketball that he'd finally managed to steal away from the Uchiha. As the two boys lay peacefully, Sasuke liked the softness of Naruto's golden hair, sparkling even in the dim light, brushing against his abdomen and Naruto liked how his head slowly rose and fell with Sasuke's deep breathes.

Everything was so simple. Effortless. And so painlessly perfect.

After a long silence of listening to the other breathe, Naruto finally spoke up, "Sasuke??"

The raven-haired boy didn't reply, but laid a hand on Naruto's blonde hair to signify that he was listening. Naruto paused for a minute, then blurted.

"Are…are we friends?"

Sasuke blinked in surprise at the unexpected question.

"Friends?"

"Yeah." Naruto's voice seemed to come from far, far away. "Are we friends?"

Sasuke felt a blush start to form on his cheeks for no reason he could decipher. Gah, must be those stupid pheromones again! Damn the u-uk-u-the disease that Naruto had!!

Hurriedly, before his warped mind could think of unnecessary details (like whether Naruto wanted to get 'friendlier', heh heh heh), the Uchiha snapped curtly, "Maybe. Why do you ask?"

Even Naruto's loud voice was unsure as he answered; each word taking a great deal of time to form in the dobe's mouth. It was as if the blonde was measuring the truth of each syllable before delivering it.

Finally, Naruto whispered, "Cos…you remind me of someone I used to know…"

Silence.

"You remind me of a friend I use to have." Naruto finished.

Another silence found the two boys as both boys became lost in very similar thoughts. Then, it was Sasuke who broke the silence first this time.

"Sure." Sasuke reached over to ruffle the blonde's head on his stomach. "Sure, Naruto."

The blonde grinned up at the night sky and closed his eyes.

* * *

Sasuke walked slightly ahead of Naruto, but the two boys' bodies were moving more or less parallel to each other's. If someone saw the raven-haired boy and the blonde that moment, it would have been undeniable that they were walking to somewhere together. Especially because the feminine blonde sometimes lagged behind the longer-legged boy and said black-haired boy would pause, slightly annoyed, till the blonde caught up with him. Or, the blonde would skip ahead of the pale boy and then turn around to chide him for being too slow. In which case, the black-haired boy would pause, slightly annoyed, before quickening his pace with a quietly muttered, 'usuratonkachi'.

In fact, the observation that these two boys were going somewhere together would have been quite correct. Sasuke and Naruto had, in fact, decided to get something to drink at a nearby twenty-four-hour convenience store before returning to the dorm. After all, one can't sleep when adrenaline is flooding the system.

"So what were you doing in the bushes, Naruto?" Sasuke asked, after a while of walking.

"Just." The blonde fidgeted, suddenly not able to look the raven-haired boy in the eye. "Just, ya know, walking by."

"In the bushes?" Sasuke's husky voice was tinted with a slightly amused note.

Naruto blushed and scratched his head awkwardly. "I was… thinking! Yup! Thinking. About, er, about things and I, then I, er, saw you, and I was kinda watching you play cos, ya know, you aren't that bad at basketball and…"

Naruto swallowed. Did he really have to spell it out that he thought the bastard's moves were a teensy-weensy bit worth watching? Did he?? The blonde would rather die than admit it, but Sasuke's basketball form was the definition of perfection in his mind.

Sasuke snickered at the blonde's fumbled words and the fact that the little dobe was glaring a hole in the cement before him. "You were thinking, dobe?"

"Hey! I think sometimes!" Naruto protested, jerking his head up to glare at Sasuke.

"Only sometimes." The Uchiha chuckled throatily.

"I – that – what I meant was – it – " Naruto's cheeks reddened and the little blonde muttered hotly, "Shut up, Uchiha."

Sasuke inwardly awarded himself a point in his mini-war with Naruto. After a moment of self-satisfaction, the raven-haired boy wondered out loud, a little off-handedly, "What was the rare occasion that made you think, usuratonkachi?"

Naruto stayed stubbornly silent. It was then that Sasuke decided to use his newly acquired trump card. Scooting closer to the little dobe, the taller boy said silkily, smoothly, "I thought we were friends, dobe?"

Nervously, Naruto swallowed.

Sensing another victory nearby, Sasuke licked his lips in anticipation and hissed, "Don't friends tell each other things?"

It was true that Sasuke wasn't really sure what was on the agenda for 'friends'. But the stoic boy figured 'talking' might be part of the whole deal. After all, some people didn't have anything better to do then go through that one elongated process of talking, didn't they? Where one of them talked and the other one pretended to listen for a while before answering? Ah, conversation! That was what it was called! Of course…

By his side, the little blonde mumbled something.

Sasuke asked, "What?"

"…" The blonde squirmed.

"I can't hear, Naruto." Sasuke grinned sadistically, enjoying being the cause of the cute blonde's discomfort, especially because Naruto looked so adorable blushing for all he was worth. The raven-haired boy would rather die than admit it, but Naruto was the definition of pretty in his mind.

Sasuke turned back to the blonde at his side, raising a dark elegant eyebrow expectantly.

Finally, Naruto blurted it out.

"I was thinking about asking Gaara out!"

Sasuke suddenly wished he'd not asked in the first place. Damn talking! Damn conversation! His good mood evaporated as his previous haggard thoughts returned, full force. Naruto was thinking about asking Gaara out? Sasuke's Gaara? Naruto?? Sasuke reeled back as if Naruto's words had cut him, but Naruto didn't seem to notice Sasuke's abrupt pain.

"You-you don't think I'm s-sick, do you?" Naruto asked worriedly. "C-cos, Gaara's, ah, you know, Gaara's a guy and I'm a guy and that's..."

"There's nothing wrong with that." Sasuke said instantly. "Guys can like other guys."

"Huh." Naruto started to smile up at Sasuke, but his lips quickly bent in a concerned frown at the stringent look on the raven-haired boy's usually emotionless face. "Oi! Sasuke? You okay?"

"Of course, usuratonkachi." The stoic boy said in a steely voice only got after a long practice – a voice that denied any damn pain, challenged any fucking emotion, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because…" Naruto stood up on tiptoes so that his face was a breath away from the taller boy's. "Because, Sasuke…"

"Wh-what are you doing?" Sasuke hissed.

His whole body was now aware of the fact that Naruto was so close that the blonde's hot breath danced on Sasuke's own cool face. The stoic boy knew well that this sort of proximity should be uncomfortable. Strangely, though, Sasuke liked Naruto being close. Because – not only was Naruto beautiful – but Naruto was…

Naruto was…

* * *

(For all those who are confused with where this scene is taken from... it's a flashback from before Gaara and Naruto arcs when Naruto, Sasuke, and Gaara were being hot in the gym. Kay?)

The moonlight slipped on the glossy wooden floors of the basketball court and shone off glossy red locks. Gaara was leaning his head down toward the tender flesh of the sleeping blonde's neck. The redhead's pink tongue darted out to catch the droplets of blood that trickled down Naruto's shoulder. And then –

Sasuke took Naruto in his arms. Now, it was Sasuke's mouth that traced the trail of red – Sasuke's tongue that tasted the potency of Naruto's blood. The Uchiha pressed his lips heavily on the little blonde's and, as if in reply, Naruto stirred in the bigger boy's arms to reply the kiss. Dreamily, Naruto pushed his own moist lips firmly against Sasuke's while his tan fingers clung tightly to the bigger boy's shirt – don't go, don't go, don't go –

_The desperation of the blonde's lips tasted even sweeter than the redness of his blood…_

Initially, Gaara had been pleased that he'd managed to turn on the usually stoic Uchiha. But as it became evident that it wasn't only Sasuke kissing a sleeping Naruto but Sasuke kissing a very well responding Naruto, the redhead's faint smile disappeared.

"Uchiha." Gaara hissed quietly. "Let him go."

At that, Sasuke paused kissing Naruto for a second to look up at the redhead. Unfocused dark eyes met angry green ones. As realization dawned, Sasuke's lips twisted into a smirk.

"You know, Gaara." The raven-haired boy said slowly, his voice cold and steely. "Naruto may be a better kisser than you are."

Gaara's green eyes narrowed.

"Yea." Sasuke sneered. "In fact, I'm positive. Naruto _is_ a better kisser than you are."

"Let. Him. Go."

The redhead spat dangerously.

Sasuke calmly shook his head as his arms around the blonde tightened possessively.

"It _has_ been a long time, Gaara. And because it's only right for old acquaintances to catch-up, I'll give you a new piece of information." Sasuke's hand slid to push Naruto's head closer to him. The blonde mumbled and buried his lips against Sasuke's neck. Taking comfort in the little dobe's warmth and proximity, the raven-haired boy said calmly. "I never did tell you who I liked, after all."

Anyone else would have missed it. But Sasuke wasn't anyone else. And the Uchiha had known Gaara for a long time.

Gaara _flinched_.

In that moment, Gaara would have struck Sasuke. Or Sasuke might have hit Gaara. Neither event happened, because…

…when Sasuke'd hugged Naruto closer to him…

The blonde sleepily leaned up to kiss the raven-haired boy lightly upon the cheek. Then Naruto mumbled and buried his lips against Sasuke's neck again, falling into a deep sleep once more. Gaara didn't hear what Naruto had said but the Uchiha did and it caused his pale face to turn beet red.

"G'night, Suke-chan…"

* * *

Sasuke tensed once more and, relying on all those experienced years of shooting death beams out of his black eyes, glared in dark vehement at the blonde – desperately hoping that Naruto would mistake his faint blush as an angry flush.

"Get. Away. Dobe." Sasuke hissed and the iciness of his sensual voice would have frozen the blood of any normal person.

But Naruto wasn't a normal person.

"Nuh-uh." Naruto was almost licking his lips at being able to be the cause of the bigger boy's discomfort. The blonde said in an uncharacteristically silky voice. "Cos, now I see what's going on."

"W-wha-" Sasuke lifted a hand to push Naruto away and stilled. That moment, their position was more than _suggestive_. The pale boy could literally feel Naruto's long blonde lashes flutter – such was their proximity – and his raised hand rested squarely on Naruto's smooth chest.

A blaring warning signal erupted in Sasuke's head as his brain went into an emergency meeting. His body (especially his ahem) was voting on screwing the blonde senseless – it was his own fault for being so damn close – and his conscience was desperately trying to remind him of a certain redhead in his past while his brain was concentrating on what he could feel through Naruto's thin shirt…

Just as the meeting was coming to a close (screw him senseless passing by an overwhelming majority) Naruto spoke up, a predatory grin on his face.

"Why didn't you tell me you were _constipated_??"

…

……

Sasuke decided that he'd never had a sexual desire punctured so fucking quickly before.

The raven-haired boy aggressively pushed Naruto away causing the blonde to fall on to the cement with a crash.

"THAT REALLY HURTS!!" Naruto complained to Sasuke's back. "BASTARD!"

Sasuke continued to walk away, ignoring Naruto call him all the curse words he knew (and some that he didn't know). One pale hand firmly dammed the blood flow coming from his nose. But the raven-haired boy had to hand it to Naruto: only _one_ blonde idiot could look cute even while saying the word 'constipated'.

* * *

The moment they stepped into the convenience store, Sasuke realized they'd made a mistake. The place was crammed with couples: a boy and a girl sharing a cup ramen as if the cheap snack was the most romantic thing in the world; a boy and a girl stupidly giggling about an ugly cell phone chain; a boy and a girl holding hands while licking dripping Popsicles…

In short, the convenience store served as a burial grounds in which couples trampled the pride of singles and buried them with their over-exaggerated flaunting of love.

"Why's this place so crowded?" Naruto exclaimed, leaning against Sasuke to let yet another pair of simpering idiots pass.

"Let's hurry up and get something to eat so we can leave." Sasuke replied briskly, slouching so that the nearby girls wouldn't get a good look at his face. (By the looks of how loud and obnoxious they were, they obviously had fan girl potential…)

(BTW, I can insult fan girls because I am a certified Loud and Obnoxious Breed of Fan Girl® - thank ye! Thank ye!)

"Neh… Sasuke, want to get these super-sized rice balls?" Naruto asked, grabbing five off the shelf before Sasuke could answer.

The raven-haired boy shrugged, "Get the spicy octopus one."

"Way ahead of you." The blonde replied, already juggling three more spicy octopus rice balls in his hands and hopping towards the counter.

"Careful!" Sasuke snapped, grabbing Naruto's arm before he went crashing into a shelf and making him lose grip on two rice balls in the process.

Quick as lightening, Naruto arms were reaching around Sasuke's waist to catch the falling snacks. And, because the dobe had been leaning forward to make his spectacular catch, his face hit against the fabric of Sasuke's shirt. To summarize, Naruto was hugging Sasuke (and umpteen rice balls at the same time).

Watching the two, the guy at the counter burst into a round of applause.

"Great catch, ma'am!" He lauded as Sasuke – half-annoyed, half-blushing – straightened up a sheepish Naruto and spun the short dobe around so that he was properly facing the counter.

"Here, let me add up the prices for you." The counter guy offered, blabbering on as he beeped away on the cashier. "You are lucky, sir, that your girlfriend's so fit – finding a girl whose pretty and athletic is like finding a needle in a haystack these days… But then, your girlfriend is abnormally pretty, sir. Uh, that'll be six-hundred yen. And, may I say ma'am, you two look really great together? The sexy guy/beautiful girl image really works for you two – and I'd know since there're a lot of couples who come here to – "

Naruto – who'd been twitching angrily till that very second with a very annoyed Sasuke standing behind him – finally recovered enough to scream, "HELLO! I'M A FUCKING GUY!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? HAH?!

"Er, ma'am – I mean, sir – I just _assumed_ that you two were a couple because – "

"SHOULD I WEAR A FUCKING NAMETAG THAT PROCLAIMS THAT YES, I OWN A DICK?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??"

"Because you bought all these rice balls and I thought you knew they – "

"AND IF YOU CALL ME A GIRL AGAIN, I'LL MAKE _YOU_ A GIRL BY CASTRATION – GOT THAT?!" Naruto finished, huffing and puffing.

"Ah…" The counter guy sweat-dropped. "So that would be twenty-hundred yen."

Naruto blinked. "Eh?"

"I thought it was only six-hundred yen." Sasuke put in.

The counter guy furiously shook his head, scared that the chibi blonde would start screaming again.

"Oh no no no no no! T-that's on couple discount, see. And since I wouldn't DREAM of mistaking you two as a couple, I'm charging you the normal price, because, here I stress, you two are obviously two GUYS. Yes."

While the counter guy had been ranting, Sasuke and Naruto had both dragged out all the change in their pockets. Coming up with a grand total of six hundred and fifty yen, they quickly shared an implicit decision.

In sync, Sasuke and Naruto declared, "We are a couple."

"All mushy mushy and crap." Sasuke put in.

"It's like we're practically married." Naruto nodded.

"B-but, I thought, um…" The counter guy darted a fearful glance at the blonde. "I thought you were a guy."

"Guys can like other guys!" Naruto exclaimed, hotly.

One of the guys standing behind the two in line drooled as he got a good look at Naruto's slightly irate face. Ignoring his girlfriend completely, he tripped over to the blonde, drooling, "You know, when you say it it's so convincing!"

"Nakatsu!"

Sasuke's hand, smooshing the guy's face, stopped him in mid-leap towards Naruto.

Nakatsu's girlfriend, getting a good look at Sasuke's face, seemed suddenly less jealous.

"You know," She quipped, helpfully. "I'm actually single!"

"Nanami!" Nakatsu yelled, bleeding on the ground.

Naruto and Sasuke, used to the fuss, easily ignored the unwanted fan-worship and got their rice balls from the harried counter guy at couple discount.

* * *

Author's Note: Please, please review. Matta ne.


	33. Chapter 33

Author's Note: I'm sorry I haven't updated in such a long, looong time. Ultimate Uke (aka UUS) is my first fic and, though I intend to finish it, I've been out of touch with it for so long that it gets harder to write as time goes by… but because there are still so many UUS fans out there interested (and, more importantly, going out of their way to let me know they are interested, whether by review or email), I will keep the chapters coming. So! Please be patient with me and keep on reviewing – they help, they really do.

That said, in the between times, please do check out my latest fic One-Shot-Naruko (or the new chapter of Dead Last) and leave a word – I will love you for it forever, I swear. And, also, link to some amazing fanarts from my profile page. Especially the newest one for Give You Back. If anyone's a fan of Amoto – a definite must see. It's a little ecchi, but very, very, very beautiful.

Write me, Rosesareblue

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**By Rosesareblue (finally!)**

The story so far (because it really has been a while): Three competitive high schools end up at the same basketball training camp for two weeks – Sound (led by Uchiha Sasuke of the perfect form), Sand (led by powerhouse Gaara), and Konoha (led by graceful Hyuuga Neji and superfast Rock Lee). All that testosterone proves problematic because Konoha's manager is the one and only Uzumaki Naruto, who suffers from a rare ligand disease otherwise known as the Ultimate Uke Syndrome. Not only does the UUS make Naruto's the most desired piece of ass around, it prohibits the incredibly talented blond from playing his beloved game. If his basketball worries weren't enough, Naruto – oblivious of the long-time-protective-love of Neji and the growing-love-hate-interest of Sasuke – falls for the psychopathic Gaara, who has a sadistic (check: homicidal) history when it comes to dating. While Temari, Shikamaru, Neji, and the rest of the Konoha team worry for the wayward blond, Sasuke and Naruto share a moment that reminds them both of a treasured past…

_Chapter Thirty-three_

Tokyo was a hostile city for singles – which, technically, both boys were. But, said another way, Tokyo was a very, very friendly city for couples – which, seriously, was just begging to be taken advantage of. It was Sasuke's idea first, accidental as it were. His fourth onigiri contained free coupons to a local arcade – check, free coupons for _couples _to a local arcade. And because Sasuke and Naruto both, for reasons they themselves couldn't explain or care to explain, didn't want to head back to the boarding house quite yet… they hit the town. All that was needed was Sasuke's slapping a hand over Naruto's mouth when the dobe started his "I'm a boy!" speech and both got in without much suspicion, everyone too ready to accept the explanation, "A guy that pretty would of course date a girl that pretty and vice a versa." Insert rant about the horrors of our superficial society here.

The only game they played there was a basketball simulation… one that they didn't take lightly at all. The Uchiha heir was gritting his teeth the whole while, his black eyes aflame; the blond manager seemed to have a personal vendetta against the joystick, screaming out moves like "SUPER FIRE JUMP CRASH SHOOOOOT" and "DANCING DRAGON LIGHTNING PASS OF DEEAAATH" as he slapped his palm against the buttons. When at last they had exhausted the game and tied at a high score to end all high scores, which they saved under SasuNaru (because Naruto lost at rock-paper-scissors), the boys found themselves being awarded a giant teddy bear and a free round of purikura.

In the alleyway behind the arcade, Sasuke (illegally) sold the giant teddy bear to a high school boy who desperately wanted to impress his girlfriend but sucked at crane games. Meanwhile, Naruto (illegally) sold the blurred purikura pictures in which Sasuke's face and his own were both covered with doo doo icons (arcade games weren't the only time the two could be competitive, apparently) to otakus… because otakus by nature are inclined to pay a lot of money for otherwise worthless shit.

With a thick wad of cash in their pockets, the raven-haired boy and the blond abused the couple discount for all night karaoke, alcoholic beverages and condoms included of course. Neither of them sang at all though, taking advantage of the free drinks part of the package to get as trashed as possible – thanks to Naruto's fake ID (which, to be fair, Jiraya made for him in his infinite fatherly wisdom: "I'd rather you get it over the counter than under the table, son"). So, Sasuke drank because he has a shit life and is emo, thanks. Then, Naruto drank more to outdo Sasuke because, come on, he has a pretty shit life too. Then, Sasuke drank even more to outdo Naruto because he's competitive and a jackass. Then, Naruto drank possibly his weight's worth to outdo Sasuke because he's also competitive and… well, you get the picture.

It wasn't until both were wasted enough to feel randomly friendly/hardcore/I-don't-give-a-fuck that either begin to attempt conversation at all.

"Hey, hey, heeey!" slurred Naruto, who by this time had, for no reason at all, taken off all articles of clothing except his necklace and boxers. Reaching over to poke Sasuke's shoulder, missing, and jabbing his cheek instead, the blond drawled. "Let's play a game. Yeah, yeah, let's play a gaaame so I can beat your inferior ass like alwaaays."

Sasuke didn't respond till he'd downed another shot of bourbon. Then, smirking so widely it could have almost been a smile, sneered, "Fine. If you want me to kick your sorry ass, usuratonkachi. Strip poker."

Naruto bobbed his head furiously in a great show of enthusiasm and stopped only when he felt his world start to spin. "Wa-wait! That's not fair! Teme! You still have all your clothes on!"

The raven-haired boy shrugged a shoulder, "You did that all on your own, dobe."

"NUH-UH!" Naruto pouted, hands-on-hips. "YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME WITH THESE TAKE-OFF-YOUR-CLOTHES EYES. YOU WERE, YOU WERE!"

"I was not." Sasuke muttered, reaching for some more excuse to be turning a shade darker – only a shade mind you.

"YOU JUST WANT TO SEE ME NAKED!" Naruto hollered, standing up to dance just because.

"…" Sasuke decided not to speak, since Naruto was just going ahead and shaking his cute rear in what must be the idiot's improvised you-just-want-to-see-me-naked-dance. As if. Seriously.

"Fine, fine." Sasuke grumbled, still a little pinkish around the cheeks from the, um, alcohol. "What do you want to play, Naruto?"

"BASKETBALL! Wait, no, but I can't, I – I." For a second, the blond looked utterly and absolutely disoriented – frozen in mid-hip-roll with the saddest expression etched on those summer-colored features. Then, just as quickly, Naruto was roaring, "Let's tell each other one deepdarkdeepdarkdeepdeepdeepdarkdarkdark secret 'cause we won't remember tomorrow anyway. HUZZAH! SEISHUN!!11!!!"

Slamming his slim, tan hand on the counter so that all the empty and full glasses crowding the table rattled and clinked, Naruto downed the remainder of his gin-and-tonic and belched. But, much to the blond's surprise, the Uchiha gave the slightest inclination of his head.

"Fine." Sasuke smiled, it really was a smile this time, slyly, "You go first, usuratonkachi. Then I'll go. After which, of course, it'll be your turn. Taking turns is only fair, right?"

Naruto nodded solemnly, still a little taken aback that that Uchiha had agreed so readily. "Right, right. It's only fair. Me, you, me. Don't back out now, bastard."

"Oh, I won't… idiot."

That said, there was silence. A vast, awkward, churning silence during which both boys realized that they were a lot more sober than either was willing to let on and appreciated the full weight of what they were committing to. Then the goofy grin and the cool glare reappeared and the Uchiha was asking:

"Why can't you play, dobe?"

Naruto's goofy grin spread and he barked out a laugh, "Basketball? Because I can't. Next, it's your turn – "

"Why not?" The Uchiha interrupted, his voice quiet but firm. "Who knows? You could be decent."

For once, it was the blond who refused to answer.

"Sure, you are tiny but your reflexes are all right." The raven-haired boy went on, admiring the near panic that seemed to be taking over the other boy. "You could be a point guard or something. A team as shitty as Konoha could get all the help they – "

"THEY ARE NOT SHITTY!" Naruto roared.

"So," Sasuke snapped, unperturbed. "Why don't you play with them then, usuratonkachi?"

It was a long time before the blond answered. But he did answer. Because, maybe, just maybe, he'd solicited the game so he could finally tell his childhood friend that, "Because I promised them I wouldn't. Because I, I am sick with this, uh, medical condition and they – they don't want me to die."

And Sasuke understood immediately. They didn't, Naruto had said. They.

The raven-haired boy closed his eyes, waiting for Naruto to ask the question he'd known from the beginning was on his companion's mind. When it came, Sasuke was glad that it was the blond who was asking – because, with Jiraya for an adopted father, of course the dobe knew everything about the dirty Uchiha history. Naruto was doing him almost a favor in asking.

"Oi, Sasuke. Tell me about Itachi."

* * *

"NARUTO! NARUTO!" The long haired boy bellowed upon entering their dorm room, dashing around to poke the beds, look beneath, search the closets…

"Calm down, Neji." Kiba quipped, and realizing that he'd dove to cover Hinata's ears, embarrassedly removed his hands from around the blushing girl's head. "Maybe he's taking a midnight walk."

"Yosh! Or a youthful sprint?!" Lee suggested.

"He can't!" Neji snapped, his temper so thin with the kitsune's absence. "He can't do that! Naruto will die if he does!"

At that, the whole Konoha team cringed – with the exception of Shikamaru.

"Hyuuga, we know. And we care too, all right?" Sighing, the brunet massaged his temple – wishing that a certain blonde girl were here if only for the company of someone who knew as many ugly secrets as he did. "Listen, we can wait for another half hour and if Naruto's still missing we can – "

"Sand."

"What?" Chouji blinked. "What about the Sand?"

"Naruto might be with them." Neji answered, distractedly. "Naruto might be with…"

"…" Shino glanced from the white-eyed boy to said boy's cousin, who bit her lower lip guiltily. Kiba noticed too and awkwardly patted the girl's small shoulders, earning, to his delight, her faint smile.

"This is so troublesome." Shikamaru muttered, stretching. "Fine, fine. If you are worried Naruto's with the Sand team, I'll give Temari a call and – "

"Temari?" Shino murmured, while Kiba started snickering.

"You have her number?" was Chouji's especially accusing question.

If Shikamaru lost his cool, he didn't show it (much). "O-of c-course. I might, you know, have to discuss basketball stuff with her."

"Basketball stuff." Lee's eyes narrowed. "Unfortunately, I know exactly what that means."

"What does it mean?" Hinata blinked her large eyes innocently.

Lee coughed disapprovingly, making even an aloof Shikamaru's ears flame. "Unfortunately, Hyuuga-san, it is inappropriate for decent youths of our age to discuss basketball stuff in the way our team captain does."

As the Hyuuga heir's pretty eyes turned in shock at a coughing Shikamaru, Neji snapped, "Fine. Call whomever. Just – find him. Please."

When Shikamaru flipped his cell out of his pocket, to everyone's surprise, it started to ring before he opened it. Warily, the Konoha captain answered it. "Hello?"

"Shikamaru?" came the familiar female voice. "It's Temari."

"Hey! I was just going to – "

"Gaara's missing."

At her frank words, the brunet's mind started racing – thinking a million thoughts a minute.

"Are you listening?" Temari scolded. "Gaara's missing."

"I heard you the first time." Shikamaru replied, curtly adding, "Naruto too."

* * *

"What don't you already know, usuratonkachi?" The Uchiha spoke softly, his voice dangerous. "Or can't you read well enough yet to skim the tabloids?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "This is supposed to be a telling game, not a reading one. Baaaka."

"Hnn." With a scoff, Sasuke averted his flashing red eyes – threatening to betray that he cared at all. Finally, he said, "Itachi took a shitload of steroids during his entire basketball career and it finally caught up with him. End of story."

"What the fuck!" The blond surged up from his seat, his pretty face contorted in anger. "You promised to tell me a secret."

"What do you think I'm doing?" The raven-haired boy said dully. "Why else would I be talking to you right now?"

"That's not a secret!" The manager glared. "That's just a lie! Itachi didn't take steroids – except that one time. I never ever believe that bullshit coverup story."

For a split second, the Uchiha faltered. "Who… who told you that?"

"No one needs to tell me what I can see for myself." Naruto snapped heatedly. "Uchiha Itachi was pure. Purely talented, purely a genius at game strategy, purely loved what he did. My pops would never have respected him so much if he didn't. And neither would I."

"You are just an idiot – "

"Even an idiot can feel the difference between what's true and what's not." The blond interrupted curtly, much to Sasuke's surprise. "So don't fuck with me, Uchiha. Tell me why Itachi did it. That steroid scandal. Taking so much it broke him. Why? He didn't need to, so why?"

Sasuke let out a slow sigh. Seething. He was seething because the dobe trusted so easily what he himself wished he didn't know.

"Of course he didn't need to. No, not that bastard." The raven-haired boy spat, after a long silence. "The other members of the Japanese team, on the other hand, that was a different story. During the last Olympics, the whole team was used as guinea pigs. A new type of drug, not traceable. My ass. Maybe not during a blood test, but it was a matter of time before one of them got caught injecting, especially when they had all those journalists, domestic and foreign, breathing down their necks… Jiraya too. He'd already figured out that Orochimaru was the supplier – "

Naruto's eyes went wide. "Orochimaru? Then why did Itachi – ?"

The Uchiha shifted in his seat, his hand passing over the beer and grabbing a glass of water. Clutching it in his lap, the raven-haired boy said lifelessly, "Orochimaru might have been the supplier, but my father was the distributor."

The ice cubes clinked against the glass in his grip.

"Itachi knew that the entire business was going to be exposed if the investigation continued. So he let himself be the media's scapegoat. Took the entire blunt of the scandal himself so that the other cowardly motherfuckers on the team could pretend like they've always protected the honor of Japanese basketball. And that night, he single-handedly destroyed the Uchiha name."

There was loud crack as the glass in Sasuke's hold broke with those cold words. Naruto silently looked on as blood trickled freely from the Uchiha's pale hand. Nonchalantly, the raven-haired boy plucked a tissue and wiped away the thick, red, glaring blood.

"So that's it. Itachi's finished, artificially alive in some backwood hospital. The Uchiha fortune is gone in lawsuits. And my parents couldn't live with the shame and committed suicide few days later." The Uchiha finished, in a soft voice that rang loudly. "But you already knew all that from the tabloids, huh, dobe?"

…

"Oh, and one more thing."

…

"Everyday, I wake up wanting to kill him. That traitor. But then, you wouldn't understand the depth of my hatred, usuratonkachi. Losing everything at once. You wouldn't understand."

At that, Naruto flinched. In one swift motion, the blond had a wad of tissues in his hand and was blotting out the blood from Sasuke's hand with a manager's expertise.

"This is a stupid game, dobe." The Uchiha scoffed quietly. "It messed up my hand."

"Teme. You did that all on your own." The kitsune grumbled, easily ripping strips from his shirt and using it as a bandage. "Don't be a baby. The cuts aren't very deep. You'll be okay in a day or two."

"Hnn."

"You are right about one thing though…" Naruto whispered. "About my not understanding your hatred, at least."

The blond held the raven-haired boy's hand firmly in his, while he bond up the wound and continued to speak.

"I can't help looking up to Itachi even more, now that I know. He's the real reason why anyone in Japan can play basketball and still dream of fighting on an international stage. Really, it's because of him, you can play basketball now …"

_I think you are the reason why he did it, Sasuke…_

* * *

A/N: And that's chapter thirty-three! Please, please leave a review – a comment, complaint, suggestion, speculation, or just a hello! C'mon, if you've read all the way to chapter thirty-three, we are already like this (makes the finger sign thingy). Nod, nod.

Oh, and some of you've noticed but: I had a really crack-y chapter 33 up for a brief period of time way back when (and got rid of it soon after, because I realized that's not the direction I wanted the story to go at all). This may be why fanfiction will tell you you've already reviewed this chapter (if so, please know how deeply, deeply I heart you... trying to review not only once but twice...!! bawls and blows nose in tissue). Please log out and review under your pen name (I remember all my reviewers so I'll know you've been by and stalk- ahem, ahem, think politely of you) or review under another chapter. Again, I am so thankful to have your support and will keep the chapters coming!

* * *

As for that deleted scene, please read it here as an** OMAKE: Behind the Scenes with the UUS cast (Alternate Universe Version)**. Huzzah!

After the trip to the psychiatrist, Sasuke and Naruto go to the blond's dome-like house and...

"MEGUMI? HIKARI? LING?" Naruto bellowed. "I'M HOME~"

The reaction was instantaneous. A stampede of small feet echoed through the corridors as busty maids bursts into the front hall to sweep their beloved master into their arms and suffocate him in their cleavages.

"Natto-sama, you liar! You promised you'd write every week once you got to camp!"

"You said you would send me pictures of Neji-sama~ what happened to those~"

"You are so thin, Natto-sama! Don't tell me they didn't feed you eight square meals?!"

"Do you want to sleep in my bed? I can warm you up! Give you a massage!"

"MEGUMI! IF ANY SLEEPING IS TO BE DONE WITH NATTO-SAMA, IT'S ME – ALRIGHT?! HE'S MY BABY SISTER!"

"You wish, Ling, Natto-sama is _my _baby sis… well, hello there! And who are you?"

Finally, the eager maids spotted an irked Sasuke glaring at them. Dropping a rumpled Naruto, the women turned on him with sparks emanating from their slitted eyes.

"Very handsome. Very handsome indeed."

"Ooooh. Look at his muscled arms – so white and smoooooooth."

"He has to be handsome or he won't look good with Natto-sama."

"Who is he? Your boyfriend, Natto-sama?"

To Sasuke's immense surprise, Naruto nodded curtly. "Right – this is Uchiha Sasuke, my boyfriend. So don't lay a finger on him."

His words were met with earsplitting squeals.

"But Natto-sama broke our hearts last time by saying he'd never let Neji-sama screw him senseless."

"I told you there would be yaoi if you worked here, didn't I? Didn't I?"

"Uchiha Sasuke as in the famous basketball star?!"

"CAN WE FILM YOU IN BED WITH HIM SO WE CAN SELL THE TAPE ON E-BAY?!"

"Um... NO." Grabbing Sasuke's hand, Naruto pulled him into the maze like hallways. "Just leave us alone tonight, okay? Ah, I, it's my first time with a boy so I'm embarrassed and do not want to be disturbed. This is an order!"

And leaving the maids mooning, Naruto insistently dragged Sasuke away.

"Sorry about that." Naruto scratched his head, when the two had washed up quickly and had his bedroom door closed firmly behind them. "If I don't say that, Megumi and them, they'd never stop. They, um, they are like older sisters, you know?"

Sasuke gave the dobe a pointed look, before resuming his looking around Naruto's room again. Maybe because the usuratonkachi kept the room bolted shut, it was the only part of the house that was messy. But, to be fair, the mess had a certain cozy order to it – basketball shit took up three corners of the room and the other shit took up the remaining corner; pants and shoes were all stuffed in the walk-in closet, which had strange things like sausages hung on the hangers, and shirts were all stuffed under the bed; every inch of the wall was adorned with pictures of the beautiful blond and his friends and family.

Scratching himself awkwardly as his new friend seemed to drink in his room and read all private thoughts that might be floating around in it, Naruto hurried to kick two trophies and several sports magazines off his bed.

"You have to stay in here if you want to avoid interrogation." The dobe babbled on. "And it's not like I have two beds and I'm, ah, not looking forward to sleeping next to you either or – or – oh, and the bed is really big so, er, shit! This is so awkward after all the stuff Megumi and the others said but… I – "

"Stop talking." Sasuke smirked. "It's fine."

And as if to prevent the dobe from talking again, Sasuke quickly tugged his shirt off over his head and, leaving it folded neatly on top of a pile of Naruto's abandoned school books, stalked over to lie down on the bed. Plopping his head on the pillow, Sasuke scolded, "I feel like I'm lying on a bed of potato chips."

"It's probably popcorn." Naruto spoke up helpfully, grinning wonderfully cutely.

"Whatever." Sasuke muttered and rolled over on his back before the usuratonkachi may realize just how much he liked that smile.

Soon, the room was silent save the even breathings of the Uchiha – his smooth chest rising and falling softly, his dark hair scattered on top of Naruto's pillow. Smiling fondly, Naruto jumped over his roller skates and walked around his marble collection. Stripping out of his own shirt, the blond looked down at his friend. Today, he'd met someone who made him feel as special as Neji had done; someone who seemed to understand his pain like Jiraya; someone who'd given him something to look forward to like Gaara. 'Cept – all those amazing things, was rolled into one incredible boy who Naruto'd thought he'd never meet again.

And you learn something new each day…

Grinning, Naruto laid down on his bed that smelled refreshingly like cheese and butter and closed his eyes…

…only to snap them open again. Thinking of Gaara had brought back all the queasiness that the cheerleader's skit had done. Should Naruto make a move? Sasuke had said he should, but… And Gaara, what did he think of Naruto in the first place. So, the redhead probably knew Naruto was the lost and found person. That he was (hopefully) a good kisser. But that was different from being boyfriend material.

Gaara, Gaara, Gaara…

"Gaara."

Naruto blinked. He was thinking of the Sand player so much that it almost sounded like the name had been said aloud. Gah! Get a grip, Uzumaki. The pheromones are suppose to make you girly – not a total girl.

"…Gaara."

This time he was sure he heard it. Naruto swiveled around in bed to face a murmuring Sasuke. A memory of the one on one between Gaara and Sasuke flashed in the blond's mind – intimate, powerful, angry… could it be that the two had something going on between them?

"Gaara, I…"

"You what, Sasuke?" Naruto whispered, dread of actually finding that his friend and his crush had a relationship squeezing his tummy. "What about Gaara?"

"I want…"

"You want?" Naruto squeaked. "You want… what?!"

"Gaara, I want…"

"Sasuke!"

"…you…"

"I want you?!" Naruto hissed, sharply, as his inner self started screaming 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO' theatrically.

"…you to stay away from Naruto…"

"Eh?"

"Stay away, Gaara, Naruto… Naruto…"

His fears denied quite suddenly, Naruto sank back down on his side of the bed – so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he missed the rather lewd look that spread over Sasuke's stoic face with his own name. Huh. Well that was overreacting on his part, since the Uchiha was just being nice to Naruto…

At that moment, the sleeping Sasuke just got a lot nicer.

"Er, Suke-chan?" Naruto asked his dozing companion who had some really touchie-feelie sleeping habits. "Er, why are your hands there?"

Of course, Suke-chan couldn't answer in his sleep-walking (more like sleep-acting) state. Also, sleep having stolen his self control and his being returned to an instinctive state, there was nothing getting in the way of a very horny Uchiha and a pheromone-blasting Uzumaki. So, the rest of Naruto's complaints were equally futile:

"Er, your hands don't belong there… ow! Hey! Pull on your own!"

"Ohmigod! Give me those back! Give my boxers back RIGHT NOW!"

"WAKE UP YOU BAKA! WAKE UP RIGHT NOW!"

"AAAaaaaaagh! The wrong part of you is waking up! SASUKE, FOR GOD'S SAKE, OPEN YOUR EYES!!!"

"Don't stick your finger there! Why are you sticking your finger there?!"

"YOU ARE SUCH A PERVERT! WORSE THAN POPS! WORSE THAN THREE POPS!"

"I SAID NOT TO STICK YOUR FING- OW, OW, OW!! Take it out! TAKE IT OUT NOW!"

"MEGUMI HEEEEEEEEEELP!!" (Megumi, though she and her friends had cups to Naruto's door, couldn't get in of course – because Naruto had bolted them out… which was such a pity because Hikari had her digital camera on film mode.)

"AT LEAST USE THE LUBRICANT! IT'S IN THE BEDSIDE DRAWER! SASUKE!! LISTEN TO ME! USE THE FUCKING LUBE!!!"

"Do your teammates ever tell you you have the crappiest sleeping habits! Even Neji, whose is also horrendous, has only ever kissed me in his – holy cow! PUT THAT BACK! THAT IS HUGE!!"

"I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO KNOCK YOU OUT! UGH! Hey, hey, hey! Why are you – YOU SM FANATIC! UNTIE ME AT ONCE!!"

"Ow, I tell you it hurts – it hurts, baka!! It – whoa, what the hell was that?!"

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEJJJJJJJJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIIII HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

"AAAAaaaaaAAAAHHH!! UUuuuUUUnngh! Slow! Down! AAAAAAAAaaa!!!"

"Sasuke, Sasuke – ohmigod, Sasuke! Wake – SasukeSasukeSasuke – up!!"

"Aaaaaaaaannngh… okay, okay – see, you're okay now, right? Okay? We don't – freaking A – how does your thing do that? Dude, are you on via – GAAAAAAAHH!!"

…and, much to the maids' delight, the torture continued throughout the night.

* * *

A/N: And that's the end of the side story. In the next chapter, Naruto will tell Sasuke why he likes Gaara and there might be (maybe, maybe) a confrontation with Neji – so please, stay tuned. And let me know your interest!!


	34. Chapter 34

In the last chapter: Naruto and Sasuke played a drunken game of exchanging secrets – Naruto telling why he can't play b-ball and Sasuke telling about the Itachi scandal. The Uchiha, having tricked the kitsune, still has one question left…

Author's note: Sorry for the long absence and lack of updates. I was not in the states but studying abroad. I'll be better about adding chapters, so look out for updates to _Dead Last_ and _Give You Back_ as well!

**THE ULTIMATE UKE SYNDROME**

**By Rosesareblue (fangirl shitte kuuudasai, muhahaha)**

_Chapter Thirty-four_

"On a scale of one to ten, how drunk would you say you are, dobe?" Sasuke asked, putting his feet on the table and simultaneously crushing the karaoke remote. Some numbers were put in accidentally, and an old Morning Musume song started playing.

"Um, twelve," Naruto slurred, getting to his feet as the title "Love Machine" flashed on screen. "Drunk enough to admit that I know the words to this song and I's gonna SING IT BABY!"

And he did. He got up and sang, complete with the idol group's dance moves:

"あんたにゃもったいない(フーフー)

(Loosely translated: On you, it's completely wasted (fu fu))

あたしゃ本当NICE BODY

(Because I~~~ have a really NICE BODY)

自分で言う位

(I'm saying it myself 'cause…)

タダじゃない！じゃない！

(It's not for free! Not at all!)

熱けりゃ冷ませばいい（フーフー）

(If it's too hot, you should cool down (fu fu))

淋しけりゃEVERYBODY

(Because it's lonely for EVERYBODY)

誰にもわからない（fu-fu-）

(No one knows (fu fu))

恋愛っていつ火がつくのか

(When their romance will catch fire)

DYNAMITE恋はDYNAMITE

(DYNAMITE. Love is DYNAMITE!)"

That's as far as Naruto got because Sasuke, with an athlete's reflexes, ripped the cord of the karaoke machine out of the wall with a crackle of electricity.

"All right," the Uchiha heir snapped, glowering at the blond who eeped. "We are going home now."

"Eh!" Naruto groaned. "You are just pissed because my NICE BODY is wasted on yoooouuu. DYNAMITE!"

"Shut up and help me finish off the rest of this beer. You were slacking the last couple minutes, just 'cause you spouted some sappy crap about your life," Sasuke sneered, but his eyes were smiling.

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto staggered back to the dorm, both erupting into cynical snickers at the smallest provocations (like streetlights changing, cars honking, etc). Finally, when they reached the camp grounds, the two hung around the bordering fence – just barely supporting each other's body weight.

"So, dobe, last question."

"What are you talking about?" Naruto slurred.

"The game we were playing," the Uchiha pressed. "It's your turn to tell me a secret."

The blond muttered grouchily, but waited for Sasuke to ask.

The brunet, for his part, seemed to be rousing from his stupor, at least enough to be careful in his phrasing, "Gaara of the Sand. You… you like him?"

The answer was instantaneous. Naruto blotched crimson, sputtering. "What-what-what?"

Sasuke smirked, but he was clenching his fists where the kitsune couldn't see. "Why?"

Naruto swallowed thickly. "Um, well, he's good at basketball…? Shit, I sound like total girl. I mean, there's that but also… I have a feeling about him."

"You have a feeling?" Sasuke repeated, incredulously.

"Yeah, like he needs me. And I need him." Naruto froze when he realized Sasuke was cracking up. "Hey, stop laughing!"

"Watched too many chick flicks, usuratonkachi?" the Uchiha sneered. "You don't know one thing about Gaara. He's the wrong guy for romance."

"Who said anything about romance?" the blonde snapped back. "I'm talking about something else, it's like Gaara's aura is – oh forget it. I don't have to explain anymore of this to you. I answered the question, right?"

Sasuke was still chuckling softly.

"Hey!" Naruto pouted. "We made it to first base, y'know. Gaara and me."

The Uchiha was unfazed. "First base, huh? What's that for you, dobe? Meeting each other's eyes and getting a… feeling?"

"Screw you. I made out with him."

"Like hell you did," Sasuke leaned back against the fence and adjusted Naruto's body slouching against him. They were close enough that the brunet couldn't tell whether the alcohol he was smelling was from his own breath or the kitsune's. Naruto was glaring up at him reproachfully, his cheeks flushed.

"What do you know about kissing?" Sasuke asked, looking at Naruto's pink lips almost touching his shirt collar. "I bet you've never kissed anyone in your life."

The dobe was drunk enough to admit, "I had a dream of kissing you once, so don't act all too superior."

"Interesting? When was that?"

Naruto looked away. "There was this one time when I fell asleep in the gym, and I had this whack dream of kissing you okay?"

"That wasn't a kiss, idiot, that was just a peck on the cheek – " Sasuke stopped in mid-sentence, flaming in having showed too much concern. "Anyway, that wasn't a kiss."

"Haaa…?" Naruto was smiling like a cat now. He poked the taller boy's chest. "What, you're becoming conscious of me just because we faked we were dating today? Who's the girl, Uchiha?"

"Who's the one with crappy sleeping habits where they make out with random passersby?" Sasuke demanded. "Stop with the goofy grin."

"No." Naruto stuck out his tongue. "Besides, I thought my kissing you was just a peck on the cheek and no big deal

It was probably because the dobe had dared show his tongue that the Uchiha lowered his head slightly. Due to their proximity it was enough for their noses to collide, their breathes to mix.

"This," Sasuke whispered, "is a kiss…"

One step closer, and their lips met. Sasuke linked his hands through the chain fence as he pushed Naruto against it. Their kiss tasted strong and bitter, like all the alcohol, like all those secrets they'd just shared, like their curious friendship. Still Naruto's lips were soft, soft, and so was his tongue when the Uchiha pushed his own into the cavern of the blonde's mouth. A shiver went through Sasuke's entire body, and he couldn't tell whether he was being overtaken by the effects of beer, Naruto's pheromone, his own emotions – relief from having confessed his family's dark history, jealousy towards Gaara or Naruto, anger, guilt, tenderness, maybe even…

Naruto withdrew and Sasuke _knew_. He knew what he felt for the dobe that was now grinning at him impishly.

"That's a kiss, huh?" Naruto murmured, encircling Sasuke's head with his slender arms. "It's not worth all the hype…"

"Teme," the Uchiha growled. "Don't fuck with me."

"Shouldn't that come after more kissing...?" Naruto whispered, and pushed his head up so that his lips met Sasuke's again.

Both boys slowly sank into the grass, kissing.

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto woke up approximately around dawn, out on the fields under the candy colored sky. Both had matching headaches, and found themselves without an article of clothing.

"At least you don't have a shirt on," Sasuke complained, hopping into his jeans. "Think about how I feel, waking up on grass without _pants_. Fuck, my legs itch."

Naruto snickered. "I was smart enough to fall asleep on your chest so I'm fine-is this a kiss mark? Shit, it is! I'll kill you, jerk."

"We should be glad we weren't discovered and kicked off our teams for underage drinking." Sasuke muttered, rotating his shoulder.

"Are pigs flying? Why's the Uchiha looking on the bright side?" Naruto wiggled into his shirt. "Hey, you think drunk kissing is also banned in the student manual?"

The boys glanced at each other at that, and smirked.

"I'm going to get a shower in before morning practice." Sasuke started jogging towards his dorm, half-turning to call, "What about you, dobe?"

"I'll see you in a minute, then," Naruto said, grinning.

* * *

Neji was the first to spot Naruto's approach, from his spot on the dorm steps where he'd spent a sleepless night. Yesterday, Shikamaru and Chouji had went off with Temari, saying they'd call if needed. The others had gone to sleep after that, Kiba saying that there was only a problem if Naruto didn't show up by morning practice.

And here was Naruto, in plenty of time for morning practice. Only Neji had gotten so needlessly riled up, actually lost his cool. Why? Because Naruto had once risked his life, his basketball career for the Konoha team? No, the answer was from before that. Way before that. Since the day they'd met.

So today, this moment, Neji was going to come clean.

"Hey you." Naruto waved, spotting his friend and speeding up to meet him. "You're up early. I was a dumbass last night and got trashed. Are the others up? I'm going to take a quick shower… Neji? Is something wrong?"

Naruto's yellow hair was bright, even in the faint morning light. Wherever Naruto was, it was bright, warm, real. The dark haired boy swallowed thickly. Then –

"I love you, Naruto."

The kitsune froze, staring at the pale boy in front of him. Then, Naruto forced out a loud laugh and said with cute nonchalance.

"I love you too, Neji."

Neji shook his head furiously, determined – desperate – to get the point across now. In his panic, the stoic boy was rambling, actually rambling, "No, Naruto. It's not the same thing."

This time the tremor in his voice was undeniable.

"I love you, Naruto. I – I love you in the way – in the way I won't mind devoting my life – my everything – my – "

Neji bit down hard on his lip to stop himself from babbling anymore, because Naruto's shock was turning, melting, into one of quiet – what was that emotion? What was it? That moment, Neji choked. That was, that expression was –

"I know, Neji." Naruto looked at his feet. "I know you love me."

What was he saying? Neji didn't understand what Naruto was saying. And why was that expression still on Naruto's face? Didn't Naruto understand? Neji was giving Naruot his heart to accept, to trample, to do anything the blonde wanted to with it so why – why the fuck did Naruto look, so, so…

Guilty?

"Too much, Neji." Naruto's lips were moving. "You love me too much."

…_what?_

And suddenly, Naruto was in Neji's arms. The Hyuuga felt a wave of delight. Neji embraced the blonde close, his confusion at Naruto's answer easily distracted by the immediate heat from the smaller boy. Neji's racing heart quickened to almost a loud hum, so fast that the individual beats were lost, especially in contrast to…

Neji stiffened, his world shattering around his ears. Naruto's heart was keeping a constant, almost serene, beat. So that was it. That was what Naruto felt…

The blonde's voice found Neji again in his darkness.

"Sorry. I'm really sorry." Naruto leaned his forehead against the taller boy's chest. "I tried. I knew, so I tried."

And..?

"I can't catch up to you, Neji."

The slim shoulders quaked in a sigh.

"Hey, I wouldn't mind devoting everything I have to you either but – I still love you too little."

Naruto's last words rang in Neji's ears. Neji let the other's embrace sustain him before he found his voice again. He stroked Naruto's bright hair and said, perfectly coolly now, "You shouldn't _have_ to try, dobe."

"You are right," Naruto murmured. "It's not the same thing."

* * *

Waiting for Sasuke in front of the Sound dormitory was Sabaku no Gaara. The Uchiha slowed his jog, his black eyes meeting the redhead's piercing green glare, and asked knowing the answer, "Why are you here?"

Gaara tossed his head, the gorgeous smile on his face not reaching his eyes. "Where were you all night? I was looking for you."

And Sasuke replied, matter-of-factly, "I was with Naruto."

The brunet blocked the other's punch just in time, else it'd have knocked out a couple teeth.

"I already made it clear to everyone in this fucking camp not to mess with Naruto because he's mine." Gaara's voice was calm, though both boys were now locked hand to hand, trying to push each other back. "I especially made it clear to you, Uchiha."

"As it turns out," Sasuke sneered back, his grip tightening, "the dobe and I might be friends. And, speaking from experience, I can't let a friend of mine date a psychopath like you_._"

"What do you know about friendship?" Gaara hissed. "You are the one that let ours run dry – you think your life's fucked up, Uchiha? You think you're lonely? You don't have any clue what it means to be lonely!"

For a split second, Gaara had the upper hand – and that was enough for him to kick Sasuke in the stomach and send him flying back.

"You are a mistake I made once," Gaara said. "One I'm going to correct before Naruto."

Before the redhead could attack the Uchiha once more, Temari was in between the boys. Shikamaru, Chouji, and Kankuro ran up to join them.

"STOP IT, STOP IT!" she cried. "No more of this… this crazy stuff. Please, Gaara, you are going to get us all kicked out of the tournament – "

"I am only going to say this once, Temari," her brother snapped. "Move."

Sasuke got to his feet too. "Get out of the way, manager. I can deal with this myself."

"No, Gaara, stop – gyaaaa!"

Three things happened almost simultaneously: Sasuke and Gaara lunged at each other; Shikamaru blocked a punch that would have hit Temari in the back of the head; and there was a sickening crunch as Shikamaru's shooting hand bent back in a way that shouldn't be possible. The Konoha player fell to his knees clutching a broken hand.

* * *

A/N: That's the end of chapter 34. All comments, complaints, suggestions, and speculations are welcome, especially since we are nearing the end of this story (canya believe it?)! I suspect maybe 1, 2 chapters more, so if you want your inputs heard before then, please review!


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